Why do they act as lead? Do I feel sorry for them and try to understand? If they can "change", show a better future?
Life difficult temper. At least should - it is reported, many religions and ideologies. It is believed that a person experiencing some problems, develops, obtains the necessary knowledge and become "better." However, there are people who become fixated on their experiences: they are constantly unhappy, miserable and sad, they have everything in life is bad, and even if it is good - it's just a misunderstanding and would be even worse.
How to deal with people like that? Why do they act as lead? Do I feel sorry for them and try to understand? If they can "change", show a better future?
I want to share with you the behaviors of individuals, seen as a result of communication and therapy:
1. Manipulation in order to obtain confirmation - "bad»
How often do you meet people who came to the friendly meeting, and it turned into a black strip hopeless? A friend (girlfriend) first reluctantly, then with increasing amplitude of emotions, said (a) that "there is no escape." And it went from meeting to meeting. At some point, you start to think that something is wrong. All suggestions and solutions to the problem, people do not try, just say "no." "You do not understand," "Yes, I tried to like", "it does not help" - phrases like cycling, attract, and you catch yourself on a desire to escape far away. Often this idea is "read" on your face and the source says, "Oh, how I tortured you (a), I'm sorry, I did not want to (a)" - and then wakes up feeling guilty for his "unworthy" of thought.
Why is this happening?
This friend (girlfriend), often unconsciously, receive attention and resolution to inactivity. Since consciousness is at all in some moment of solitude man begins to realize that he just does not do anything with my life, and that the solution requires too much effort.
After talking with you, and received confirmation that "still bad", "friend" can safely go home and without remorse to live on in their scenario. Along the way, the narrator "leaked" to you all the accumulated negative, "recharged" with energy and quite reasonably can live on.
2. Manipulation with the aim of self-affirmation
Familiar (th) meets you and asks about life. At some point you will tell about his success, achievement or something positive happened in my life. And then there is the phrase, "you see how you're lucky", "see how you are helping," "see what your husband (wife, friend, father)", "lucky you, you have a house (job, car, house etc.)". You start to feel guilty. For what? Why? As a result of these conversations it is frightening to share their lives and begin to involuntarily recall what you have is bad, so as not to stand out.
Why is this happening?
Again, often unconsciously, a person tries to show you that your victories and achievements - undeserved. In this way, he asserts his "I", supports the theory of "global injustice" and disclaims any responsibility for the privacy and the position of it.
3. The manipulator called "bad»
Such a person is very intellectually gifted, she openly positioning itself as a victim, and, moreover, would be offended to be treated with respect thereto. Often, in the conversation, the person reacts to any observations or requests of the phrase "I'll bad (th) that you want from me?". In respect of such partner can say "to me it does not work, I'm spoiled (a)," "You see, now you're hurt (eh), I told (a)", "I'd better be one (one), no can fall in love with this (th) I "," I'm not normal (th) ", etc. And you immediately try to dissuade the man: "No, no, you just underestimated nedolyubili", etc., your partner just had a "fool (a fool)," and I can understand you ».
Why is this happening?
This person often has positioned itself as a victim of unrequited love, circumstances, bad relations between parents. He openly claims to be sorry, aggressively reacts to a frank sympathy, yet constantly reiterated that "poor". Thus it receives a confirmation of its uniqueness, features, and, again, does not assume full responsibility for the relationship. After all, he once said that he was bad! What to take with him? You are to blame. Sami contacted. You've been warned. And in a sense he is right, he really has warned.
How to deal with people like that?
The last case shows very good games in the so-called Triangle Karpman - model of interaction between people. According to this theory, communication passes through distributed roles: Rescuer - the persecutor - the victim. If you are dealing with a "victim", it means that you take on the role of "rescuer" and society life, the circumstances become "persecutor».
To resolve the situation, it is important to recognize their role and be willing to get out of this game. Model Triangle is dangerous because the rescuer often becomes the persecutor, the victim rescuer, persecutor victim ID So, if the person in front of you a victim - somewhere he pursuer, but somewhere lifeguard, and he has all the resources to solve the problem. Your "spasatelskaya" attitude often makes you a victim of the same person as a result of manipulation you lose your confidence, power or respect.
If you are ready to stop playing these games, then the answer to your question:
Why do I need this person?
what I get from this communication?
I wish I could talk to this person?
as far as possible to implement this communication differently?
ready (but) I spend its forces to address the other person? - Why do I need to listen to his story?
Important in this communication - is honesty with oneself. Only to admit their desires "rescuer" (for example), it is possible to remove the role and free themselves from the script.
Do I have to break off relations with this man? And if it is a close relative or partner? Then it is important to understand that you are not responsible for the life of another, if it is not your child is under 18 years old. Each person has their own life problems and you do not have the right to decide its stead, even if you think you know better solution.
If you can not give up on dialogue, then ask the other person direct questions:
how can I help you - specifically?
you're ready to himself (a) to do?
Remember, our lives - it is our choice, and we, and we alone bear the responsibility for it.