On the life under the slogan "I must!"

Once the radio I listened to the debate on the topic: "From what you would like to protect their children?". It was the theme of drug addiction, alcoholism, television, computer games and other things. And I was driving in the car and thought that I want to protect their children from life in debt. In terms of life under the slogan "I must!". All we had in the community as the child has just been born, and it has to impose a list of all my life. Must sleep in the regime, it is that you should eat and when necessary, emptied on schedule, to respect their elders, be diligent and diligent in their studies, interested in what adults deem it necessary, and so on and so forth ...

At that time I went to visit was upset maniacal desire to push his mother child in the framework of rules which on closer inspection turned out to be so controversial that the child was in them at all nevpihuem em>. And I realized that the anxiety of the child can be removed only by changing the mother's eyes on him. How then will not have to worry if you are wrong all the time, some not so at any time mom can change your mind and stop to take care of you. The fear of being poor and rejected - the second after the fear of death. How to change the look of a child, without changing the look?

And here I thought that into debt put their children to the parents, who themselves sit in it on most ears and placing yourself a list of things "to do real parents." Although a parent - this is only one manifestation of the individual subsistence. Such motivation of such people can be seen in different directions their lives. And I began to sincerely sympathize with such people as a sense of duty always comes with a great sense of guilt for failing ideal stumble and fear of making a mistake and a huge disappointment and resentment because not living their lives and do not get a decent reward and evaluation. This is a constant area of ​​anxiety and suffering. I still remember very well how this was chosen.

This is a typical image of the victim - a man cut off from their own needs for the sake of ephemeral ideal "should be so." When a person does what he wants, it always brings energy at the stage of ideas, and he gave something to the world, because he has a lot, and so it is not necessary. And it is - disinterested. When a person comes out of the picture "should", he gives what he needs (their desires and their comfort) in debt to another. And always take three skins from the debtor.

The victim - this is not some sort of phlegmatic person, always nagging about life. No. Victims often very energetic. They have a sense of life - to live for the sake of someone or something. And in the "end of the tunnel" is the reward - the image of an ideal future. From this great idea Victims draw their energy. And, if something or someone is threatening this great idea, it is something or someone becomes an enemy, and the victims are very militant, pounding sticks of unruly in her ideal world.

Take the time to recognize the picture I described in some of the environment. "The greatest enemy is hiding where you least going to look for him." Each of us is a victim. As someone more, someone less. In our society, it is a very sweet way. This right, as simple plantings from birth. If you do not sacrifice your comfort and desires - you are an egoist. A selfish to be "bad", it is condemned. So do what you must, and you all will. Ideals are painted in each direction - the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter ...

By the way, the "perfect daughter." The seminar "What we cling to our mother," I saw how hard it turns thinking in partnership with her mother. There is a familiar setting, "the mother must" where the mother as a living person does not exist. Partnership does not mean "equal" and not in the sense of "we're friends against someone," but in the sense of "from each - according to his ability, to each - according to his needs." Yes, the idea of ​​communism in every single family.

The fact that the partnership model is laid in early childhood. The same dependence that may be comfortable, and then all participants try this symbiosis to strengthen and develop, and can be uncomfortable, and then people start to subconsciously destroy this symbiosis. I write and speak about it a lot. Comfortable dependence - this is when the needs of each member covered. Accordingly, uncomfortable - when chronically covered.

But the victim, she just lives that pushes their needs in favor of something and someone, and this feels great, important, and most importantly, the "good" and "right". It makes itself. Do you understand? The circumstances - is its justification. Our mother glaring example.

They sacrificed their lives, put himself into debt, although this one does not ask, and now show the account for the unlived life. And at the above seminar, I saw how our inner child refuses to see his mother, who lives in the sense of duty, a living person. We act as pure consumers. That, in principle, it is not surprising. Mother sticking behavior "should", unwittingly makes to think so, and children. We are adopting this model of motherhood, implementing it on their own children. Entering their motherhood, we think that now, too, "have».

I, like a parrot, keep telling about looking at the child as a partner who is very interested that his mother was fine. The love of the mother is written in our genes. Well, not love, but love exactly.

Moreover, a child wants everything to live in peace and harmony. He is ready to be integrated into adult life, if it is, this life is. But it's like peas against the wall when a woman has a division - or life for the sake of the child, and then she "must" (the list is long), or a life of their own needs. And it is not aligned. Do not have taught us this. The child is seen as a pure consumer, which only requires and demands and gives nothing in return. No wonder we are so tired children. But child-partner - this is beyond fiction. It is especially difficult to show mothers with babies.

With babies adopted or to sacrifice themselves, or "butt" - someone who. Working in partnership "master / slave" is built on complete trust. Lead is, is driven. The child wants to follow her mother if it takes into account the needs and characteristics. Bodanie with a child occurs when a mother does not see the child a partner, and begins to think long: "I have to" and "you must».

You know, when I was in the workshops in the analysis of what is a "supportive environment", I ask the question: "Count how many you have such people around?" 9 out of 10 do not include their children in their "own". Why is that? Because children are not supported in our thinking. Children - is a great sacrifice. The mother must!

And then we wonder that in adolescence they do not perceive us as a people from their area of ​​concern, which need support. They do not understand that we are tired, frustrated, mistakes that we go weak and vulnerable. What we have to sometimes make the tea. They have a partnership in tandem "master / slave" is built on the principle of leading - Sacrifice, which "should", a kind of biorobot who has all the time "presents the bills" and that it is necessary to resist, and the slave - the consumer, the little despot, pulling the blanket to myself. And then we ask ourselves why our children do not want to grow up? Who wants to be in such a "partnership" leading.

So, going back to the beginning ... I would love to protect children from the debt trap. I want them to be congratulated me in old age birthday, because they like to please me, not because they have to do it.

I want them to communicate with those with whom they want to chat, and doing what they bring not only money, but also joy.

I want their wives to receive flowers because they want to take care of them, and not because it should give flowers to their wives on holidays.

And most importantly, i want at every moment of their lives, they knew what they were doing all this for the sake of someone or something, but for ourselves. Because they want it. The Freedom.

Then their lives will be filled with so much that they do not have to fill the void inside of alcohol, drug and other excipients illusory life. And it needs to live itself. Otherwise, how can I teach them this?

Author: Elizabeth Kolobov
Photos in the preview: Abigail Keenan





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