Amazing article by Sergei Fedorov about life on a short leash, or as men depend on women
When my mother was smiling, no matter how good it was her face, it makes much better and everything around seemed veselelo. If in difficult moments of life, though I could see a glimpse of that smile, I would not know what a mountain.
Leo Tolstoy. Childhood. Adolescence. Youth
In our culture, the word "addiction" is painted very negatively. That ... and psychologically unhealthy relationship in which disrupt the natural exchange of energy, but a lot of demands and grievances.
I want to look at this phenomenon more neutral, we are all one way or another depend on something so far. From the air, the food, the employer or the state of nature - otherwise we will not survive.
Dependency - is a situation where we ourselves, without help or external resources can not cope. Experience secure dependency, in my opinion, is the ability to easily get help, to care. Believe that you have the right to it just because you're there.
During early childhood, the child must be safe according to experience, but in fact often goes quite differently ...
Childhood. "Daddy can, Dad could be anyone, only my mother, but my mother can not be!»
I, like many Soviet children, was taken after the birth of the "dirty" mom and placed for several days in a sterile isolator. It was the May holidays, and three days later I got the experience of dependence. A mother in her 19 years, experience stagnation and mastitis with temperature - and the experience of inattention to his slogan "doctors know best».
(By the way, in our family, two older children, including me, did not give my mother for three days. And we were both nervous as a child slept disgusting. And the younger of two already permitted to put my mother on the stomach, allowed to taste first drops of colostrum valuable - they are much quieter and more sleeping at night.)
Further more: Dr. Spock with his ideas of dissociation of the mother and child, "off" biologically planted care program, your child's feelings. And as a result of this approach - not cry cry, will not help. The experience of helplessness and horror, I suppose.
My three-month future wife, young parents are left alone at home and go to the movies. As much screaming, shut the door to the room and the kitchen, so as not to interfere. "Pokrichit and calm down." I mean, despair, tired and fall asleep on the bed nervous impotence. Good experience "safe" based.
I remember how I, a ten-year, trying to get a piece of care and attention. I was a senior, at the time I already had two younger brothers, my mother was twitching, money, time and energy are sorely lacking. I am now a grown man and father of many children, now I understand the head, why she kept herself well, but then I painfully hoarse wanted to be a small, defenseless, helpless, to feel the warmth of the undivided intended only to me. But in our family since three years I became an adult - born brother. And I could attract attention just right, "adult" actions.
Once I painted a beautiful picture on a piece of old wallpaper pastel crayon. Crayons crumbled in his hands and soiled his pants. The picture was a great sun and two bright yellow chick with big eyes. I seemed very beautiful picture! I called my mother went into the room behind her and led to the kitchen, where there was an easel with my drawing. This is for you, mom is the best! Pay attention to me, hug, admire!
Weary nod. Lessons You did? Bring blog.
A Blog deuce. Rage, shouting: "And you draw me another chick!" I think she tore the drawing and threw. Burning resentment and shame. "I'm not that, this is not necessary." Again painful lump in the breast again, alone again ...
I think that such a strong reaction - and I remember clearly and painfully this case so far - because of recurrence of the situation, "I cast, I do not need anyone." And the terror acts as a catalyst, repeatedly reinforcing pain and turning an ordinary life in an episode of mental trauma.
Adolescence. "Madness of the brave we sing a song!»
I do not know what happens to girls and boys, as far as I know myself and other men who tend to rebel. Attempts to get attention and love useful deeds and achievements are often fiasco: for the good and praise routine stop, and all the time to win the Olympic Games and have leading roles in the theater is not obtained. But all sorts of wrong things cause a reaction! Yes, swearing, yes, shame, yes wine, but a concentrated response, how much energy and only me!
So begins kontrzavisimosti stage, which takes place under the slogan "That'll knock his eye - is the son of a mother curve!" This is a weird state when you apparently do not seem to pay attention to anybody, but inwardly extremely sensitive listening, what's going on in the first all - with significant adults. You learn to recognize the mood of steps to anticipate the next action. I still do not know how to turn off the attention from the outside, I can still hear what all my family, scattered around the apartment. And put on headphones to watch a movie or listen to music downright scary - suddenly I miss something important. Or dangerous. Suspense and preparedness - that is a typical condition of the house. I'm very tired of it. I had to run, to give yourself a break.
In adulthood escaping often mask rational arguments: work, sports, hobbies, "doing business in taverns and baths." I have nothing against these activities. Moreover, love. But I know for myself that this is often all ways to "escape" to not be at home. There is good news - after several years of psychotherapy becomes easier. The house becomes warmer and more comfortable, anxiety is reduced, you can even have fun.
Kontrzavisimosti only superficially different from addiction. In fact, this relationship with the "minus" - do the opposite. It seems to me quite clear that in this case the person exactly also depends on the state of opinion and significant other. It is common to so many men, because similar in outward appearance to the image of freedom, which we translates society. And freedom and ostentatious force - the main features of masculinity.
And often behind this screen ostentatious independence hiding little resentful, sniffling and rub the tears of resentment boy about five years old. And for the greater persuasiveness repeats like a mantra: "And I do not hurt, chicken happy!" This unfortunate young man exiled deep inside, with the confiscation and incommunicado. For it is intolerable to live it all over again ... Only antics are becoming a flourish and reckless! Mom, pay attention to me. Mom! ..
Youth. "Freedom for parrots!»
Finally, the time comes when the boy is old enough young men and can throw in the face of my mother: "I want to - go away!". This occurs most often with admission to the institute. Burden leaning freedom excites and frightens. Do not fight with anyone, nowhere else to get what lacked in childhood. A gestalt is not closed!
I dealt with this by enrolling at MSU on Mekhmat - my father's department. Said dad cried when I entered. I did not see. It is "to be proud».
And yet, from the excess of emotion in the MSU Student theater workshops. To place the coil of the senses, which languished inside. This "all noticed».
But all this is not it! All advances are impaired attention of others that at first so pleased gradually requires more attention. Torquay stops. Because it is not! It's like trying to eat all the time when you want to cuddle. Because it needs a "good mother" - which would embrace, listen, understand, calm. And perhaps, then a young man chooses a clear path - to get married! And even in his family everything will be fine!
Psychologists say with one voice that we choose a partner that is very similar to the parent ... not necessarily externally. But on some important (even painful) performance. I call it for myself: my cockroaches looking friendly in a foreign head. And if you are - a lot of emotions! His!
At age 19, I got married. In former classmate - I had time to study the nature, cockroaches approved. Love was mad, emotion - a flurry. They began dating in May and got married in October. She was still 18.
We still live together, I believe - very well live. I am happy that life has developed since. A good, full life. But now is not about that.
A few years ago the life routine and the feeling of being unbearable gravity, when the usual ways of meeting their needs longer to bear fruit, have led us to a dead end depressing. And then, separately, to psychotherapists. It was a turning point in our personal and common life.
We always talked a lot. Perhaps that is why had lived together for many years. And now we have become more honest and verbalize what is not accepted and unpleasant: about the power in the family, about mistrust about the expectations about the mutual dissatisfaction ...
I always thought I was very selfless. I generally do not need from others. From his wife, too. It turned out that this is not true. An honest conversation with them led me to this discovery.
From his wife I need attention. I'm so demanding that it is obliged to provide it to me for my desire any.
From his wife I need approval. Approval of all my ideas, initiatives and projects. The approval of my actions. This is similar to what is called a full and non-judgmental acceptance. They say that it is only possible between the mother and the unconscious and totally dependent baby, say up to a year or two. It should not be angry, criticize. And even just ignore not allowed.
The wife should share the responsibility with me. Without its approval I took up the case. And if you happened Feil, it was not so bad. After all, it is approved, then do not be cursing.
I expect that his wife would be a "good mother." One that was not. See another living person, who just for some reason decided to live near - the daunting task.
Mom, I brought you chicken!
So which affects the "strong and free" man? Such threatening and demanding? I think this is a very simple thing: recognition / rejection, approval / criticism, condescension / cold ... Easy half-turn of the head, slightly contemptuous grimace enough enthusiastic reaction - all of which can be a trigger, a catalyst for the whole storm. Needless to say, that the injured person can uglyadet painful almost everywhere? And apparently so calm and confident people are knocking on the table by hand. Or raises his hand. Or turn away contemptuously. Or he said with icy politeness devastating. Depending on what I learned from my parents ...
A silent or says he's single, "Mama, I noticed my mother hold me, Mom! I brought you a chicken - the best that I have. Mom! »
Gestalt therapist, business coach,
IT expert, CEO integrator.
Education: Moscow State University (faculty), and the Moscow Gestalt Institute.
Married 19 years, has three children.