603
How Tatar traveled to America
Aye, Mathur. That married the child in the United States, riding tudyt the wedding. Gave my woodpecker Green Card, but first things first. Here the whole story - Broken Santa Barbara.
With parents daughter we were familiar with the school, children up to six years together tumbled. And then they decided to rejoin the land of ancestors, but apparently lured the plane, and instead of Israel arrived in Philadelphia. They've got the citizenship of all things. And now 18 years later my mother decided to bring dochu in Russia, sightseeing, so to speak. And we went to visit. After that maman dochu not seen for four days: my suicide her round ass on the car - and four days ONET house did not appear. In hysterical mama "what they are doing ???". "Damn, - answer so thoroughly. - Damn, I say! In Chelyabinsk, many museums, until all bypass ... And this is not counting the opening days of exhibitions and ... ».
In short dove returned, I would even say, exhausted. In, say, Comrade mother, I ask zazyrit: museums buffets do not have, therefore emaciated. The children somehow try to lie down all the time, their legs somehow badly kept. In general, the left ONET docha in thought, mother in anger.
Continued under the cut ...
And here in the NG-2013 devulya again coming to us from Omeriki like "Russ loved with all my heart ..." Mamani eynaya in anger and grief, she dochu raised in American standards, and thought that her husband will be very positive Aboriginal. Children rented an apartment, and I had them ten days have not seen - there were only steal food from the refrigerator.
And ten days later I sat in the kitchen, and so mysteriously: "We, father, married to ...". My wife is in shock. Tell her then: a fool, you, too, believe that they are all the time exclusively to ski and skate?
And I, as a human being thorough, began to mock. Lyuboff - sacred, and where will live, than bread and eggs to earn. They - they say, of course, YuEsEy there a country of equal opportunities. Looking ahead: the past six months in this country they money to stay helmet, something not yet fused opportunities ... But in any case, was delighted. Son dump, and I get his room. And game console, and a bicycle. As said - the way it came out, even dumbbells, electric guitar and snowboarding perepalo me.
In general, the son flew to America in August, and November 10 Pechkin postman brings e-mail: "Dad, Mom, no money, but we're getting married on November 30, former address, kiss, Lelik." We had to urgently do a visa to a potential enemy. Fly to New York nine o'clock! And no we have not met, because they do not have to have been there now. Well, even the Tatars in America did not disappear: with the help of a compass, American spoken and such a mother in two languages made it to Pennsylvania Station and sat down on the steam train to Philadelphia. Despite the fact that I had with him was: a small suitcase - two pcs., Suitcase afigenny - two pcs., The wife prostrate - one piece. Wife of prostration once, however, come out. I said, from childhood dream in New York hot dog to eat! Bring down, I say, Your Excellency: here Seventh Street, and here the eighth. Money pass! Phone surrender!
Left and returned ten minutes later ... Uzhos, says fears something which, odne blacks around and do not look kindly. I have not become a hot dog, ispuzhalsya helluva lot. Had a hot dog godit to Washington. There in the first stall in a row from the White House with sausage bun seven dollars! 210 rubles! The capital, you know ...
Yeah, well, the first thing we went to Philadelphia shopitsya! I brought the suit, and baretki forgotten. The stores are not shoes for men, and two minutes mat Soviet "Red Skorokhod" - model opposite to what they have for sale. But I found all the same shop where more or less decent model. Son daughter, joined by his wife left in a restaurant to discuss the celebration.
The shop is good, prices soul. And here I was, in broad daylight, in the cradle of democracy swoops whole gang alternatively copulating. Two of the seller, and the third in the background box drags attention lulls. Affectionate such mannered, active. I instinctively sucked ass and sternly say so: "Come on, comrades, rear-wheel drive, arrange my boots, so the wedding was not shameful." Al Momento say, and bring alternative system boots "I am the most beautiful transvestite».
I am with them forty minutes struggled remeasure two cubic meter boxes, but eventually bought for $ 150, which is our blood 4500. We have such below 17 tyrov I have not seen.
I packed everything poulybalis, type another go. In the game of cards tama play, seeds chewed ... so I side-side and released. Went outside nervenno smoke. Called his own, save, say, a folder! Come, I tell them, and the girl-bride and says: what are you, old fool, do not look at the signs?
And then look at them? Painted shoes - hence, a shoe, I do not nakolesh! She: "Oh, I do not mean that! You see, on street signs painted RAINBOW! And on the front door, too, with a rainbow sticker? So, on this avenue live and trade gays ».
Zashib answer! That's what I think, why they have such a charming and cute shoes, and why they gave me during the fitting everybody wants to do a foot massage, and would have done - if I had not toes curled, like a scratched their heads and not actively trying. Then he went to the general store for normal and ukupil himself a bow tie.
Part 2
Aye! Wedding day finally upheld - kids registered outdoors invented. All were greatly excited and notably propotel, for 35 - it is still 35 degrees and no less. Got into a limousine and a tavern, therefore. I testyushkoy menu discuss what we drink, so what drink. About food I did not strain even for pre googled that they eat crackers free zavsegda there! And if something happens, "Garcon! I've inadvertently vase with dry bread on the table wiped ... asks to restore the balance ».
Come celebrate. Twilight, people as litter for bath and all entirely foreign tourists. Led us to a table for six people, almost like us, only devices to edricheskoy mother - some wine glasses five pieces, not including drinks. Bread is already, mustard, though, no.
Runs waiter (to each guest, and, running up to men - boys, the ladies - women). I vanities menu thickness kilograms in three and so intimately asks: "What would you like to overclock and appetite?". Our, I think, man, and he continues: "Mineral gas without gas ... ..". Well, I gathered all the will in a fist - the same wedding! - And it without an accent "vodka say pliz us on 250 gram ... to start and appetite." Crumpled Choi is, I think, may be poorly understood. Well, again, in perfect English: "Vodka !!! Van realize Battle. " By your eyes that he understood - but indifferent mug, type finger poke sir, what kind. Well, I'm so important to open the Talmud, and there are not all in Russian, and bukofki such fine-fine, and I left the house glasses, wedding though. That to me at the wedding glasses considered?
Well, I'm a savvy, know that all the most expensive first goes to the client immediately ofigel, and then prices have not reacted. Pointed a finger at random in the middle of the list, drag, I say, that this here. A local intimate way: «with rock?» No talking, know rock! net drag! Damn It !!! Yes, bring a bottle already ... And then I remembered. "Grey Goose" says the bartender? Aye, responsible, well, thank God ...
Look, back comes with a tray. Tray as a football field, but the bottle is not visible. Probably, in the bosom hid such as surpryz newlyweds. Suitable. And then glass ... No, not so. Wine glasses. Naperstochek. Cap for ... I will not say that, but all the women he is. And it is exactly one ounce! And as we all should be aware of the economics school course for girls, is 1/16 ounce American pint or 29 573 531 ml. Well 0 573 531 grams they do not exactly dolili, therefore, 29 ml. And smiling all the porcelain mouth.
So, I say sternly, bottle drag! And guests, parallel, explains that at the wedding drink "Ouen shotu" I can not. For this is a Tatar custom. Very strictly abide by our customs, or hush ygyz! Well here testyushka joined, now says the issue razrulit, and then you focus your terrified him to drive. And with a nice Jewish accent says: "Be so kind as to bring at once unopened bottle of vodka" Grey Goose ". And this alien worker catering schemitsya and refuses: "State law! Have no right! This - Anderle! ».
Find out: 1 current drinking shotu at a time on the snout! Battle from the bar can not take! Wine can be, but to put on the table ... not! Can be on side table only. Two shots on the snout is also impossible! That is, in turn, bring me 5 pieces, while I hold it in his cheek. But I have the same folk custom! I'm starting to feel the infringement of the rights and even some discrimination!
Manager rushed dining room, with him some pepper in the main suit. Omit sorrowful 10 minutes, until they told me all the laws of beverage consumption ihnem wonderful staff, I was already in the ninth minute dawned on how to circumvent them. We were at a table of six, therefore, immediately you can order six shots, 6 of 30 - just to relieve stress. Talking penguins hot merci for excursion into the law-and order thimbles for the entire table, plus one empty glass for viskarya. Bring stakashek and middle of the table put - such as a flower vase from my buttonhole. Flower I quietly under the table dropped in a glass of all six shots and poured rubles gained at last. Exhaled. Speak perfect English: "Milchelovek, go for the addition once for all, only without the lectures about the law and about the dangers of alcohol».
Well here zazudela wife. "It's a shame as what people will say that think" ... And what will they think? Firstly, in Russian, they do not know how to think, secondly, each at ease and picks us - zero attention, and in the third DAPOFIG me, I was the first and last time!
After the second call I myself finally came. After 12 shots and the people around so sweet and cute waiter even began, while the waitresses immediately breasts grew up - well, at least now marry. Devour would think narezochka meat or salad with mayanezikom. I climb further into the wonderful books menu, please remember that I am without my glasses! Schuryus on the letters and much sweat: the names of dishes in French, translated into local, no pictures, no prices, treats, as you wish! Would picture as a shoe, I would immediately dotumkal.
I say to the test: "What to order? I want meat! ". And he scoffed, see also the vodka came to a head: "Take your phone, there is a ZOOM mode." Well, I'm a little on the topic porifmoval loops and interpreter, again dawned. Steak, I say, I wish. Chaldean I started to list what they have steaks, I'm hearing only "New York" caught. That's it and drag, say we Tatars chmzovskie at home and order it just always still remember my grandfather, steak "New York" and cracked every Sunday, feed the horses, hay mow and steaks currently requires.
Thought already otmazatsya, but no. Asked what Rare: Rara? medium? ful? Instinctively understand that the medium - is a cross between the two edges, and the test is still kicking: a pier, take the seven-medium. That is, almost psychic. After 30 minutes bring BLYUDISCHE !, though bring 4 people at once! One is a plate, the other - a basket of bread, and the third - a bunch of textiles, so I do not oblyapalsya fourth directs. Well, my Chaldean winks, three types of call I did deign again 6 shots debit? Why not, then?
Well, steak, I tell you, worthy - both in size and in the organoleptic! That's just when I started to cut out of it, as of cock zarublennoy, flooded. And then the dough into ambition rushed - I said that he had asked, I asked seven-medium, and that you brought? Well, what to take from it, too nashotilsya ... While he roared, I quickly chewed all the meat. If anything, I think it will replace, but here even sing a little bit. Nope, did not change ... I was told that the meat is normal. Medium Rare. I understand that the light prozharka, ie pap - when put on the battery, and after 5 minutes on the table dragged ...
And then - apofigey. When all is eaten, the cake tasted leftovers in lunch boxes packed, bring us the bill. I even started to sober up and opened his eyes. Without glasses see that such denzhischi ... Yes it is the annual budget of the village! Translate dollars into rubles, rubles in wages, salaries in food and inevitably sober. And that's just the bill for zhrachku! And my adorable bar with a check bears, long - one and a half meters. One shot in the restaurant 19.90 local money! And no bonuses!
And so I felt sorry for the money, well, just like a guard. But, nevertheless, hold style! Card sweaty hands clench, and his face is trying to portray, "So what? This is something the bill? ". And supposedly all such thinking, if I do not order two basins, one with black caviar, and the other with champagne - a mouth rinse, to fish in the mouth does not stink ... I try as best I can, because the Russian do not surrender, once went to a booze. Cut the last cucumber and all that.
And then testyushka, Allah forbid him good health, says "We have a tradition spot that for a wedding dinner to pay the bride's father." Well of course, I immediately rushed to kiss it does not, the weather a couple of minutes, everything was so solidly. And once I had the eloquence, such looseness Barsky, threw his legs. Thought even shotik order. But his wife said that the number I now limit your alcohol can fill the car, and the price - at the same time the car and buy. So went home.
And here at home I really looked. Decoction of sausages, egg peeling, the child was nychka - a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of Hennessey, see, for guests ashore. And with a light heart I finished this pagan ritual. And the ladies drank a bottle of wine, and the children did not drink - because nefig, they still do my children!
So along with the economic downturn and the lynching of blacks in omerige still many unknown, but extremely pleasant traditions!
By the way, a hangover from Bourbon brandy does not compare with the Russian ... whether I'm at home I drink is not so artistic, roofing felt there bodyazhit they have not yet learned. In short all survived. But 20 American money for a dose - I continue to believe that it is extremely inhumane!
Proof: Good news
To be continued ...
Source:
With parents daughter we were familiar with the school, children up to six years together tumbled. And then they decided to rejoin the land of ancestors, but apparently lured the plane, and instead of Israel arrived in Philadelphia. They've got the citizenship of all things. And now 18 years later my mother decided to bring dochu in Russia, sightseeing, so to speak. And we went to visit. After that maman dochu not seen for four days: my suicide her round ass on the car - and four days ONET house did not appear. In hysterical mama "what they are doing ???". "Damn, - answer so thoroughly. - Damn, I say! In Chelyabinsk, many museums, until all bypass ... And this is not counting the opening days of exhibitions and ... ».
In short dove returned, I would even say, exhausted. In, say, Comrade mother, I ask zazyrit: museums buffets do not have, therefore emaciated. The children somehow try to lie down all the time, their legs somehow badly kept. In general, the left ONET docha in thought, mother in anger.
Continued under the cut ...
And here in the NG-2013 devulya again coming to us from Omeriki like "Russ loved with all my heart ..." Mamani eynaya in anger and grief, she dochu raised in American standards, and thought that her husband will be very positive Aboriginal. Children rented an apartment, and I had them ten days have not seen - there were only steal food from the refrigerator.
And ten days later I sat in the kitchen, and so mysteriously: "We, father, married to ...". My wife is in shock. Tell her then: a fool, you, too, believe that they are all the time exclusively to ski and skate?
And I, as a human being thorough, began to mock. Lyuboff - sacred, and where will live, than bread and eggs to earn. They - they say, of course, YuEsEy there a country of equal opportunities. Looking ahead: the past six months in this country they money to stay helmet, something not yet fused opportunities ... But in any case, was delighted. Son dump, and I get his room. And game console, and a bicycle. As said - the way it came out, even dumbbells, electric guitar and snowboarding perepalo me.
In general, the son flew to America in August, and November 10 Pechkin postman brings e-mail: "Dad, Mom, no money, but we're getting married on November 30, former address, kiss, Lelik." We had to urgently do a visa to a potential enemy. Fly to New York nine o'clock! And no we have not met, because they do not have to have been there now. Well, even the Tatars in America did not disappear: with the help of a compass, American spoken and such a mother in two languages made it to Pennsylvania Station and sat down on the steam train to Philadelphia. Despite the fact that I had with him was: a small suitcase - two pcs., Suitcase afigenny - two pcs., The wife prostrate - one piece. Wife of prostration once, however, come out. I said, from childhood dream in New York hot dog to eat! Bring down, I say, Your Excellency: here Seventh Street, and here the eighth. Money pass! Phone surrender!
Left and returned ten minutes later ... Uzhos, says fears something which, odne blacks around and do not look kindly. I have not become a hot dog, ispuzhalsya helluva lot. Had a hot dog godit to Washington. There in the first stall in a row from the White House with sausage bun seven dollars! 210 rubles! The capital, you know ...
Yeah, well, the first thing we went to Philadelphia shopitsya! I brought the suit, and baretki forgotten. The stores are not shoes for men, and two minutes mat Soviet "Red Skorokhod" - model opposite to what they have for sale. But I found all the same shop where more or less decent model. Son daughter, joined by his wife left in a restaurant to discuss the celebration.
The shop is good, prices soul. And here I was, in broad daylight, in the cradle of democracy swoops whole gang alternatively copulating. Two of the seller, and the third in the background box drags attention lulls. Affectionate such mannered, active. I instinctively sucked ass and sternly say so: "Come on, comrades, rear-wheel drive, arrange my boots, so the wedding was not shameful." Al Momento say, and bring alternative system boots "I am the most beautiful transvestite».
I am with them forty minutes struggled remeasure two cubic meter boxes, but eventually bought for $ 150, which is our blood 4500. We have such below 17 tyrov I have not seen.
I packed everything poulybalis, type another go. In the game of cards tama play, seeds chewed ... so I side-side and released. Went outside nervenno smoke. Called his own, save, say, a folder! Come, I tell them, and the girl-bride and says: what are you, old fool, do not look at the signs?
And then look at them? Painted shoes - hence, a shoe, I do not nakolesh! She: "Oh, I do not mean that! You see, on street signs painted RAINBOW! And on the front door, too, with a rainbow sticker? So, on this avenue live and trade gays ».
Zashib answer! That's what I think, why they have such a charming and cute shoes, and why they gave me during the fitting everybody wants to do a foot massage, and would have done - if I had not toes curled, like a scratched their heads and not actively trying. Then he went to the general store for normal and ukupil himself a bow tie.
Part 2
Aye! Wedding day finally upheld - kids registered outdoors invented. All were greatly excited and notably propotel, for 35 - it is still 35 degrees and no less. Got into a limousine and a tavern, therefore. I testyushkoy menu discuss what we drink, so what drink. About food I did not strain even for pre googled that they eat crackers free zavsegda there! And if something happens, "Garcon! I've inadvertently vase with dry bread on the table wiped ... asks to restore the balance ».
Come celebrate. Twilight, people as litter for bath and all entirely foreign tourists. Led us to a table for six people, almost like us, only devices to edricheskoy mother - some wine glasses five pieces, not including drinks. Bread is already, mustard, though, no.
Runs waiter (to each guest, and, running up to men - boys, the ladies - women). I vanities menu thickness kilograms in three and so intimately asks: "What would you like to overclock and appetite?". Our, I think, man, and he continues: "Mineral gas without gas ... ..". Well, I gathered all the will in a fist - the same wedding! - And it without an accent "vodka say pliz us on 250 gram ... to start and appetite." Crumpled Choi is, I think, may be poorly understood. Well, again, in perfect English: "Vodka !!! Van realize Battle. " By your eyes that he understood - but indifferent mug, type finger poke sir, what kind. Well, I'm so important to open the Talmud, and there are not all in Russian, and bukofki such fine-fine, and I left the house glasses, wedding though. That to me at the wedding glasses considered?
Well, I'm a savvy, know that all the most expensive first goes to the client immediately ofigel, and then prices have not reacted. Pointed a finger at random in the middle of the list, drag, I say, that this here. A local intimate way: «with rock?» No talking, know rock! net drag! Damn It !!! Yes, bring a bottle already ... And then I remembered. "Grey Goose" says the bartender? Aye, responsible, well, thank God ...
Look, back comes with a tray. Tray as a football field, but the bottle is not visible. Probably, in the bosom hid such as surpryz newlyweds. Suitable. And then glass ... No, not so. Wine glasses. Naperstochek. Cap for ... I will not say that, but all the women he is. And it is exactly one ounce! And as we all should be aware of the economics school course for girls, is 1/16 ounce American pint or 29 573 531 ml. Well 0 573 531 grams they do not exactly dolili, therefore, 29 ml. And smiling all the porcelain mouth.
So, I say sternly, bottle drag! And guests, parallel, explains that at the wedding drink "Ouen shotu" I can not. For this is a Tatar custom. Very strictly abide by our customs, or hush ygyz! Well here testyushka joined, now says the issue razrulit, and then you focus your terrified him to drive. And with a nice Jewish accent says: "Be so kind as to bring at once unopened bottle of vodka" Grey Goose ". And this alien worker catering schemitsya and refuses: "State law! Have no right! This - Anderle! ».
Find out: 1 current drinking shotu at a time on the snout! Battle from the bar can not take! Wine can be, but to put on the table ... not! Can be on side table only. Two shots on the snout is also impossible! That is, in turn, bring me 5 pieces, while I hold it in his cheek. But I have the same folk custom! I'm starting to feel the infringement of the rights and even some discrimination!
Manager rushed dining room, with him some pepper in the main suit. Omit sorrowful 10 minutes, until they told me all the laws of beverage consumption ihnem wonderful staff, I was already in the ninth minute dawned on how to circumvent them. We were at a table of six, therefore, immediately you can order six shots, 6 of 30 - just to relieve stress. Talking penguins hot merci for excursion into the law-and order thimbles for the entire table, plus one empty glass for viskarya. Bring stakashek and middle of the table put - such as a flower vase from my buttonhole. Flower I quietly under the table dropped in a glass of all six shots and poured rubles gained at last. Exhaled. Speak perfect English: "Milchelovek, go for the addition once for all, only without the lectures about the law and about the dangers of alcohol».
Well here zazudela wife. "It's a shame as what people will say that think" ... And what will they think? Firstly, in Russian, they do not know how to think, secondly, each at ease and picks us - zero attention, and in the third DAPOFIG me, I was the first and last time!
After the second call I myself finally came. After 12 shots and the people around so sweet and cute waiter even began, while the waitresses immediately breasts grew up - well, at least now marry. Devour would think narezochka meat or salad with mayanezikom. I climb further into the wonderful books menu, please remember that I am without my glasses! Schuryus on the letters and much sweat: the names of dishes in French, translated into local, no pictures, no prices, treats, as you wish! Would picture as a shoe, I would immediately dotumkal.
I say to the test: "What to order? I want meat! ". And he scoffed, see also the vodka came to a head: "Take your phone, there is a ZOOM mode." Well, I'm a little on the topic porifmoval loops and interpreter, again dawned. Steak, I say, I wish. Chaldean I started to list what they have steaks, I'm hearing only "New York" caught. That's it and drag, say we Tatars chmzovskie at home and order it just always still remember my grandfather, steak "New York" and cracked every Sunday, feed the horses, hay mow and steaks currently requires.
Thought already otmazatsya, but no. Asked what Rare: Rara? medium? ful? Instinctively understand that the medium - is a cross between the two edges, and the test is still kicking: a pier, take the seven-medium. That is, almost psychic. After 30 minutes bring BLYUDISCHE !, though bring 4 people at once! One is a plate, the other - a basket of bread, and the third - a bunch of textiles, so I do not oblyapalsya fourth directs. Well, my Chaldean winks, three types of call I did deign again 6 shots debit? Why not, then?
Well, steak, I tell you, worthy - both in size and in the organoleptic! That's just when I started to cut out of it, as of cock zarublennoy, flooded. And then the dough into ambition rushed - I said that he had asked, I asked seven-medium, and that you brought? Well, what to take from it, too nashotilsya ... While he roared, I quickly chewed all the meat. If anything, I think it will replace, but here even sing a little bit. Nope, did not change ... I was told that the meat is normal. Medium Rare. I understand that the light prozharka, ie pap - when put on the battery, and after 5 minutes on the table dragged ...
And then - apofigey. When all is eaten, the cake tasted leftovers in lunch boxes packed, bring us the bill. I even started to sober up and opened his eyes. Without glasses see that such denzhischi ... Yes it is the annual budget of the village! Translate dollars into rubles, rubles in wages, salaries in food and inevitably sober. And that's just the bill for zhrachku! And my adorable bar with a check bears, long - one and a half meters. One shot in the restaurant 19.90 local money! And no bonuses!
And so I felt sorry for the money, well, just like a guard. But, nevertheless, hold style! Card sweaty hands clench, and his face is trying to portray, "So what? This is something the bill? ". And supposedly all such thinking, if I do not order two basins, one with black caviar, and the other with champagne - a mouth rinse, to fish in the mouth does not stink ... I try as best I can, because the Russian do not surrender, once went to a booze. Cut the last cucumber and all that.
And then testyushka, Allah forbid him good health, says "We have a tradition spot that for a wedding dinner to pay the bride's father." Well of course, I immediately rushed to kiss it does not, the weather a couple of minutes, everything was so solidly. And once I had the eloquence, such looseness Barsky, threw his legs. Thought even shotik order. But his wife said that the number I now limit your alcohol can fill the car, and the price - at the same time the car and buy. So went home.
And here at home I really looked. Decoction of sausages, egg peeling, the child was nychka - a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of Hennessey, see, for guests ashore. And with a light heart I finished this pagan ritual. And the ladies drank a bottle of wine, and the children did not drink - because nefig, they still do my children!
So along with the economic downturn and the lynching of blacks in omerige still many unknown, but extremely pleasant traditions!
By the way, a hangover from Bourbon brandy does not compare with the Russian ... whether I'm at home I drink is not so artistic, roofing felt there bodyazhit they have not yet learned. In short all survived. But 20 American money for a dose - I continue to believe that it is extremely inhumane!
Proof: Good news
To be continued ...
Source:
