How to calculate that the mother-in-law gaslighter, and build a system of protection against it

Gaslighting in relationships A form of psychological pressure, during which the aggressor forces the victim to doubt himself and his attitude. With inappropriate jokes, comments, accusations and even intimidation, he does everything to make a person feel guilty. Often this leads to nervous breakdowns and more serious consequences.



Gaslighting can occur in any situation. For example, at work, during school or in relationships with relatives. A vivid example of this is the communication of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The heroine of today’s history has become a real victim of a gaslighter. Editorial "Site" He will try to dig deeper into the subject and tell you, How to protect yourself from the attack of the aggressor.

My mother-in-law disliked me from the first minutes of our acquaintance. I remember that meeting in great detail. We came to visit Irina Alekseevna: in the hallway, she glanced at me and threw her sharp “drake” right in my face. And then she handed her son slippers and went to the kitchen.

On the table was a cake and already brewed tea poured into cups. I sat down timidly and waited for some sign from my husband (then a young man). Pasha said in a cheerful voice, “Well, let’s start with the cake!” Irina Alekseevna remained silent and began to defiantly save her tea. I took a sip and I guess I curled a little.



Irina Alekseevna said, “Oh, do you drink tea without sugar?” Wow! And I gave you 2 spoons, what a pity. I was silent, but there was a storm inside me. It was as if all normal people drank sweet tea. I'm the only one showing off!

Then we started talking about me. It became known that I dropped out of university and constantly work. Of course, my future mother-in-law did not like this: I wonder how you want to raise a child so uneducated? But wait a minute, you probably don't think about the baby because you're always working? ?



At that moment I couldn’t stand it and went to the toilet. It was hard to hold back tears, but it was even harder not to think about Irina Alekseevna’s words. What if she's really right? Maybe I should finish college. Does everyone learn how I am worse?

From the past to the present, my mother-in-law will often remember how I behaved at the first meeting. “What do I even expect from you? You showed your incoherence the day we met. My mother would call you a hamster! – sounded another claim against me.

In her eyes, I always do everything wrong. What’s more, she likes to point out that I never graduated. Irina Alekseevna believes that the root of all troubles is me. When her husband was fired from his job in the midst of the pandemic, she came to our house in black. She sat down at the table and said, “This wouldn’t have happened if my boy hadn’t married you!”



Such situations happened regularly. Of course, I shared my feelings with my husband. He was on my side, but he didn't want to ruin my relationship with my mother. And when she found out that I had even said one crooked word about her, the circus immediately began. “Pavlusha, just Anechka is very sensitive, takes everything to heart,” said my mother-in-law to my husband in a tender voice.

At some point, I realized that I could not cope without the help of a specialist. It's just that I'm so closed in that I actually feel like I'm going crazy. At the first reception, the psychologist heard the term “gaslighting”, and the mother-in-law was officially dubbed a gaslighter or aggressor.



Gradually, I began to realize that Irina Alekseevna was obsessed with manipulation and the desire to control everything. And I was just a victim to her. The sessions of the psychologist and communication with my husband helped me learn to protect myself and to fight back. And I caught it in time! What would happen if we had kids? It's scary to think...

I am sure that you managed to catch the main message of gaslighting: Dominate, conquer, humiliate.. This is a powerful tool that allows the aggressor to subjugate a person. The more pressure he puts on the victim, the sooner he begins to doubt himself and his reality.



How do I find the gaslighter? He likes to openly humiliate, blame and deny the feelings and doubts of his victim. The abuser hides information that may be inconvenient, unprofitable for him. Such a person lies, distorts facts, rewrites history. In addition, he can isolate his victim so that no one else can support him.

First, check all the information and believe only the facts. It'll help you. Be confident and not doubt yourself.. Second, keep your head down and always give yourself time to think. The abusive makes you nervous and lose your head. It's about self-control.



Say out loud that you won’t let anyone hurt you. Gaslighters get lost when things get out of their control. Tell the offender that you understand what is happening. It will also discourage the abuser. If there is any dispute with a person, it is better to back off. This will help avoid misunderstandings.

Have you ever encountered such a thing as gaslighting? Perhaps now you will be able to recognize him in communication with some people. We would be very grateful if you would share your experience with us. We'll see you in the comments!