Where does the passive aggression and what to do

Samurai without a sword like a samurai sword. Only without the sword. (Anecdote)
What is passive aggression? I met her in the life of almost every (and some of them regularly, and it throws on the other). However, the phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture is very, very rare. Often you can hear something like: "She has a bad temper," or "He - energy vampire: like anything bad does not, and after talking with him you feel very bad." People usually do not know that no esoteric things here at anything, and no vampires are not to blame. Just the person that is so difficult, in fact, regularly deals with you passive-aggressively.

Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in socially acceptable form, with the attacker apparently does not go beyond social norms.

(When I was looking for material for the article, suddenly I realized exactly where you can find many passive-aggressive reactions on the forums, where the daughter-in-law to complain and I gained a number of examples in the "svekruha-ru" LiveJournal community.). So examples:

At Christmas-in-law gave me a box with a jar of jam. When I opened the gift, she said that the jam - for all guests, not only for me, but it needs a box back.

During the wedding photo shoot in-law turned to the photographer with a request to make a family photo - four of them without me. I was ready to just kiss this small, bald man, when he said: "Excuse me, ma'am, but your family already includes not only four. The bride must be present in every picture! »

My mother-in-one for my birthday gave me a Bible, a necklace with a cross and a cookbook "How to cook pork chops." The postcard (Jesus) was written that she hoped that I changed my mind and it will be able to save me. I mentioned that a Jew? I kept telling her all 7 years of marriage, they do not plan to change religion. Her husband told her that she no longer worried about the gifts, if you can not help but cycles on religion. He added that he loves me and thinking about moving to Judaism! It is nothing like that planned, but would poke her nose in it.

On each Christmas-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box, we "discover" that the glass is broken. In-law each time shows surprise and takes the box to refer to the store and exchanged. The following year, I get the same gift.

Mother in law loves to give gifts with a view to embroil grandchildren between them. Last year, [...] she gave the children $ 35 and stated that the two older should get 12, and the youngest - 11. All three looked at her as if she had gone mad, and we certainly do not let it happen.

The family of my ex-husband to exchange gifts at Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and climbed out of the skin, to buy all the gifts. In response to receiving very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, Bank of candy M & amp; M at all. This upset the children, since all children receive at their own gifts, and our - Bank family of chocolates. Once each grandson got a really good gift, and our - on booklet valued at 89 cents. It was the last time that we went there.

husband's stepmother came to us while we were out, and stole the flowers in pots standing on my porch. Then he said, I did it because we gave them nothing on their wedding anniversary. The color of these I did not get back. By the way, we she never gave nothing to the anniversary.

It was hard to even choose specific examples of a variety of stories: judging by the complaints of women-in-law is very resourceful to poison the life in-law. They intervene in the case of a young family ( "I am your good wish!"), Give gifts to the point of insulting (and pretend that nothing does not mean), extorted from her son and daughter-specific actions (thanks for a cheap trinket or to those be sure to ALWAYS go on vacation there and the way her father would say) .... And the classic: to break into the room of young, whenever possible, even in the middle of the night ( "I have there are things in the closet," or "I just Blankets will correct them - sleep like a dove!"). At the same time evident that the bride (and sons) are not very pleased interventions unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people are quite feel that with them came aggressively impose their unwelcome company, broke into the personal boundaries.

It was in these cases manifested aggression? Undoubtedly. Daughter-in all the stories cited were outraged, although reacted differently (not all began to bring before the scandal).

whether aggression was expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: this aggressor never becomes socially acceptable boundaries. After all the relatives to give gifts? Well-law quite make it socially. Ah, the gift came bad - well, not all gifts successful. But from a pure heart, accompanying the "mother board." (In fact, unwelcome - but also socially acceptable, because it is accepted that the older woman gave good advice inexperienced and younger)

. That is, due to the fact that social norms have been seriously violated, to find fault with the passive aggressor is difficult. But a victim-the victim understands how to cost it! The victim does not rejoice and it is not very easy to persuade: "Never mind, do not worry." She felt in his address quite a full-fledged aggression: its (or children) put below the other, accessed with an older woman like a fool with a minor, or by distributing wealth, ostentatiously deprived status. That she is - aggression, only expressed in passive form

. How to learn the passive aggression?
Oh, when your address somebody will show a passive aggressive, you will notice it immediately. Did you previously did not know the term, but you will feel the painful injection. Passive aggressor is usually not rude, it does not go to an open confrontation. Do not raise your voice and begins to scandals itself - but around the conflicts erupt often. For some reason, many and want to be rude, yell at it any innocent person. And even after a brief dialogue with the soul wants to take - so unpleasant and becomes hard, so bad mood

. Such people often do know that a lot around them "enemies" or just a bad, malicious individuals. Passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate mistreatment of themselves and then complain to anyone who would listen (and who does not "send" in response).

Passive-aggressive does not require - they complain and reproach; they do not ask - they hint chance (so much so that then can not complain). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they do not believe in it. Be sure to blame others, bad luck, bad education system, "everyone in this country is so constructed," etc. (By the way: one of the most effective methods of psychotherapy is a human gradual settlement with passive-aggressive behavior to the realization that he himself, his actions affect the reactions of others In fact, most often it turns out that this is not a man is surrounded by ill-intentioned obtuse scum as well. ordinary, normal people pochemu-to not happy, get a dose of passive aggression. But this is usually not easy to reach, and "psychologically treat" people without their direct request - also, incidentally, a form of mild aggression, so please do not try anyone " reeducate "the best of intentions, good?).

Here is a brief list of the manifestations of passive aggression:

They do not speak directly about their desires and needs (hint or silently expect that others will understand them without words). Never say openly what they like and what does not - you should always guess. Such people, 'it will not please »;

Do not conceive the first scandal, although it often provoke;

In severe cases, may even stir up a "guerrilla war" against anyone ill - gossip, intrigue against unsuspecting "offender»;

Often violate obligations: just promise, then do not perform, sabotage, masterly shirk. All that matters is that the passive-aggressive was originally against it, and wanted to do something that agreed with him, but to say "no" could not. Therefore, he said "yes" and simply did nothing. And once I was not going;

Often late: it is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where just did not want to;

Promised often put off for a long period under various pretexts. Perform reluctantly poorly and at the last moment. Oh, and now fashionable procrastination - can also be a form of passive aggression;

Most unproductive use of so-called "Italian strike" - that is, like and do, and the result is still not present. This is another way to indirectly say, "I do not like, I do not want to do that!", While not entering into open conflict;

By the way, passive-aggressive personalities often unreliable reputation of people, which can not be relied upon - because of the above features;

Gossip, complain about the other (for the eyes), offended. Often dissatisfied and indignant that others behave badly, the world is unfair, the state arranged properly, the authorities senseless on the awful load and do not appreciate, etc. The cause of their troubles can see outside, can not connect to their own actions. Blamed others for unreasonable demands of injustice to them power, because their efforts are not appreciated (especially love behind pour scorn and blame the authorities of any rank);

Critical and sarcastic. Achieve greater heights in the ability to be poisonous word "drop" of man and to devalue his achievement or good intentions. Actively criticized and virtually no praise - because it will allow another "get a grip" to learn that like or dislike passive-aggressive;

Masterly are moving away from direct discussions of problems. "Punish" silence. Stubbornly do not explain what offended, but nonverbally suggest that a strong offense and atone for it will not be easy. Provoke the interlocutor to express discontent and the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it is not launched passive-aggressive, so it is not to blame, and the opponent);

During the open debate passive-aggressive personality passes on, he remembers the old, is what to blame the opponent and until recently trying to shift the blame on others;

Under the guise behave like other people - disabled, stupid, inferior, etc. . (A classic example - is when the daughter finishes cleaning the apartment and discovers that the mother-in-crawls with a rag, wiping freshly washed floor surprisingly questions of a young woman-law carefully said: "Oh, my child, never mind, just taken from us, to the house was clean "Naturally, after such manifestations of passive aggression daughter quietly falls into a rage, but a polite tone and a sham" care "rude not accepted -. well, then in the evening the young family would be a scandal)

. Where did this come from? The origins of passive aggression
Like almost all the features of the person, passive aggression - from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one parent (or both) have been unpredictable and power, it is difficult to express their demands, wishes, indignation. From this there is an underlying sense of danger, severe anxiety.

If the child is being punished for acts of anger or aggressiveness, he learns how to pursue their goals in a roundabout way, and disagreement and anger is not expressed outwardly, and be his passive ways.

For example, on one of the forums in the discussion of passive-aggressive behavior of a participant said, "Oh, my family was all just so! We had dangerously angry and something not just demand, but also to ask - Mom and Dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish ... I remember, even to get a tape recorder for the New Year, I did not ask their parents, and build complex circuits: how hints roundabout to ensure that they guessed it .... " In fact, a child grows up in an environment where it is impossible to open resistance (due to the economic, physical dependence on parents), and is usually learned the skills of a virtuoso "guerrilla war».

Passive-aggressive confident that the world - a dangerous place that disclosed it and trust the people - our own peril. And if others know what scares you, angry or especially desirable, they also gain control over you. Game controls - another subsistence passive aggression. To demand or ask something from another - is framed, to show their weakness and dependence. This means that your desires people can play (and the world, according to the ideas of passive-aggressive, hostile and combat deadly). Therefore openly want something or from something directly to give - is to give control of your life in someone else's hands. Therefore, passive-aggressive their desires are not directly expressed, and any request to meet someone else's "yes", then the brood, angry within yourself and do not do, pleading forgetfulness and that "did not have time».

Incidentally, I note that the cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality types: namely girls often suppress manifestations in stubbornness, energy and anger. Therefore, many women grow confident that if they are "correct, truly feminine" (delicate, always nice, nenaporistymi), be sure to "come and bring everything" to him. And time does not carry, then you're doing something wrong, such as many brazen requirest; loving man must guess and please the woman he loves; and her work - gradually bring it to the desired idea. Do not go out to put the other person at the head of his desires, then - to suffer in silence, as a partisan, a favorite even listens to "guess myself", "well, do not understand", "if you loved me, you would know" and "do as you want. " Yes, it's covert struggle for power and control in the game; if openly say, "Make me tak-to and tak-to, I want it", you can hear and outright refusal ( "Not now, I have no time"), and even to give the desired, make sure that it is not happiness avail. And what, then, who demanded - and he himself is to blame? No, better to hint, to receive (or not receive) desired and if satisfaction is not, then all the blame on the person who correctly read its thoughts.

Multiple-day courses "How to become a feminine woman" often provoke and support the development of trainees in their passive-aggressive personality. The courses with the model name "become coveted over the weekend," teach that a woman can not, well, not take initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, inviting, and everything in your life will self correct. After all, when a strong and active man sees that a feminine woman is suffering, unable to get anything desired, it certainly will understand and he will do everything for you, will produce and present! And do something itself: demand, seek, abandon unnecessary, pray and take care of themselves - it is impossible in any case. Well, it's unfeminine! So either suffer, that did not bring or wriggle around hands hinted subtly leads to the idea of ​​its "create conditions". In general, passive aggression, as it is.

What do you do if you met a passive-aggressive type in its path?
Firstly, it is necessary to know that the passive-aggressive person provokes the other, but the conflict is not zateet. Do not give in to provocations - your "explosion of emotions" does not help to clarify the relationship, but only give you a rowdy reputation in the eyes of others. Taps soul somewhere else, complain to friends and family, but do not do passive-aggressive such a gift, do not exert yourself as "bad" and "scandalous". Do not trust the passive-aggressive their secrets and information that could bring you harm if disclosed.

Call a spade what is happening and their feelings. Do not blame others, just say: "When there is so-and-so, I used to get upset." For example: "When you go over the department to dinner and forget to call me, I am sad." No need to blame ( "you on purpose!"), Do not generalize ( "you always!"). Tell us about your feelings, how you feel sad and bad. The very passive-aggressive as the fire is afraid of being accused of another's troubles, and others should know that you are not "nothing happened", but something distressing.

Do not expect that such a person will understand you and reeducate (even if you retell this story to him). Most likely, this in itself is not going to happen. Пассивно-агрессивные личности обычно не приходят на психотерапию из-за того, что с ними что-то не так: обычно они жалуются на плохих окружающих (которые, несомненно, во всем виноваты), или на иные психологические проблемы (например, на депрессию), или же их заставляют явиться близкие, которым невыносимо совместное существование.

Автор: Елизавета Павлова