Where does passive-aggression and what to do with it

Samurai without a sword is like a samurai sword. Only without the sword. (joke)What is passive aggression? Met her in the life of almost everyone (and some who regularly throws it, and others). However, the phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rare. Often you can hear something like: "she has a bad temper" or "He is an energy vampire: it seems nothing, and after talking with him I feel very bad." People usually do not know that no esoteric stuff here at anything, and no vampires are to blame. Just one person so hard, in fact, regularly does you passive-aggressive.

Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in socially acceptable form, the aggressor outwardly, not beyond the social norms.

(When I was looking for material for an article, suddenly realizing exactly where you can find many passive-aggressive reactions on the forums where the daughter-in-law complain about mother in laws. And I scored a number of examples in the LJ-community "swagruha-ru"). So, examples:

Christmas mother in law gave me a box with a jar of jam. When I opened the gift, she said jam for all guests, not just for me, and the box she needs back.

During the wedding photo shoot, the mother-in-law asked the photographer to take a family photo of four people without me. I was just ready to kiss this little, bald man, when he said: "I'm Sorry, Madam, but your family already includes not only four. The bride should be present in every photo!"
 

My mother in law one for his birthday gave me a Bible, a necklace with a cross and a cookbook "How to cook pork chops." On the postcard (with Jesus) it was written that she hoped that I changed my mind and she will be able to save me. Did I mention Jewish? I just told her all 7 years of our marriage that they did NOT plan to change religion. Her husband said that she was more worried about the gift, if not it may not cycle in religion. He added that he loves me and is considering conversion to Judaism! He has no plans, but wanted to poke her in the nose.

Every Christmas the mother in law gives me a broken candle. When I open the box, we "discover" that the glass is broken. Mother-in-law every time showing surprise and takes the box to take to the store and exchange it. The next year I get the same gift.

Mother-in-law likes to give gifts in order to embroil grandchildren between them. In the past year[...] she gave the kids $ 35 and stated that the two older should get at 12 and the youngest 11. All three looked at her like she was crazy, and we will not let this happen.

The family of my ex-husband exchanged gifts for Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and climbed out of the skin to buy all the gifts. I got very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, the Bank of candy M&M at all. It was upsetting the children, because all children received their own gift, and our jar of candy per family. Once each grandchild received a really good gift, and our little book worth 89 cents. It was the last time that we went there.

Stepmother of her husband came to us while we were away, and stole flowers in pots standing on my porch. Then he said that he did it because we didn't get them a gift on their wedding anniversary. These colors I never got back. By the way, we never gave nothing for our anniversary.

It was hard to choose specific examples from the many stories: judging by the complaints of women, mother-in-law is extremely creative in how to poison the lives of daughters-in-law. They interfere in the Affairs of the young family ("I wish you well!"), give gifts on the brink of offensive (and pretend that nothing had in mind), extort son and daughter-in-law certain actions (thanks for the cheap trinket or to those always, always went on vacation there and as her father).... Well and classics: to break into the room of the young at every opportunity, even in the middle of the night ("I've got stuff in the closet" or "I only blanket they will correct – sleep like two lovebirds!"). Much that daughters (and sons) not a very happy intervention, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people feel that they have been aggressively imposed on them uninvited society, broke into personal boundaries.

Whether in these cases manifested aggression? No doubt. Daughter-in-law in all the stories cited were outraged, although they react differently (don't all people bring to the scandal).

Expressed aggression openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: the aggressor never crossed socially acceptable boundaries. After all, the relatives decided to give gifts? Well, mother-in-law is quite social it will. Ah, the gift didn't work out – well, not all gifts are successful. But from a pure heart, accompanying "the parent Council". (Actually, uninvited – but also socially acceptable; it is quite customary for the older woman gave good advice to the inexperienced and younger).

That is, due to the fact that social norms are grossly violated was not to find fault with the passive aggressor difficult. But the victim, the victim understands how it happened! The victim is not happy and its not very easy to persuade: "never mind, do not worry." She felt at the address a full-fledged aggression: its (or children) put below others, treating a grown woman like a young fool, or distributing wealth, ostentatiously deprived status. This is it – aggression is only expressed in the passive form.

How to recognize passive aggression?About when in your address someone will show passive aggression, you will immediately notice it. Perhaps you did not know before this term, but a painful twinge you will feel. The passive aggressor is usually not rude, does not go to open confrontation. Increases voice and no picks scandals himself – but he situations of conflict often erupt. Reason many and I want to be rude, to yell at this innocent man. And even after a short communication with that want to unburden himself – so frustrating and hard it becomes, so a bad mood.

Such people often know, that around them are many "detractors" or just bad, evil people. Passive-aggressive strategy is to endure ill-treatment with them, and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who does not "send" in response).

Passive-aggressive does not require anything – they complain and blame; they are not asking – they allude casually (so much so that then has nothing to complain about). They are never to blame for their troubles – well, at least, do not believe in it. Necessarily to blame others, bad luck, bad education system, "everything in this country is so constituted," etc. (by the Way: one of the most effective methods of psychotherapy is a gradual summing of the person with passive-aggressive behavior in the sense of how he, his actions affect the reactions of others. In fact, most often it turns out that this is not a man surrounded by malicious blunt scum and normal people do not happy, get a dose of passive aggression. But before that, usually walk is not easy, and "psychologically treat" people without their direct request – also, incidentally, a form of mild aggression, so please don't attempt any "re-educate" the best of intentions, right?).

Here is a short list of the manifestations of passive aggression:

Not talking directly about their desires and needs (silently implying or expecting that others will understand them without words). Never say openly what they like and what not – you should always guess. About such talk: "it will not please";

Don't start the first scandal, although often it is provoked;

In severe cases, can even stir up a "guerilla war" up against someone nedobrozhilateley – to gossip, to intrigue against unsuspecting "offender";

Often break commitments: make promises and then not fulfilling, sabotage, masterfully stalling. Here's what passive-aggressive was against and didn't want to do what I agreed with him, but to say "no" could not. So I said "Yes" and simply did nothing. Yes, and not immediately going;

Often late: it is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where is not immediately wanted;

Promised often save in the long term under various pretexts. Perform reluctant, poor and at the last moment. Oh, by the way, the fashion nowadays, procrastination can also be a form of passive aggression.

Often unproductive, use the so-called "Italian strike" — that is, like and do, and the result is still present. This is another way to indirectly say, "I don't like it, I don't want to do it!", without coming into open conflict;

By the way, passive-aggressive personalities often the reputation of being unreliable, which cannot be relied upon – because of the above features;

Gossip, complain about others (for the eyes) offense. Often troubled and unhappy that others behave badly, the world is unfair, the state is wrong, stupid bosses, work, horrible load and do not appreciate, etc. the Cause of their troubles see outside with their own actions does not bind. Blame others for unreasonable demands for the injustice to them of power, because their efforts are not appreciated (especially love the back to blame and to pour scorn on the heads of any rank);

Critical and sarcastic. Reach great heights in the ability of one toxic word "lower" person and devalue his achievements or good intentions. Actively criticize and virtually praise – because it allows another "to the power", learn about what you like or don't like passive aggressive;

Skillfully evade direct discussion of problems. "Punish" with silence. Stubbornly not explain what hurt, but non-verbal make it clear that the offense is strong and redeem her will be difficult. Encourage the interlocutor to Express dissatisfaction and first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it launched not passive-aggressive, then he is not guilty, and the opponent);

During the open debate passive-aggressively goes to the person, reminiscent of old, finds a way to blame the opponent and to the last he tries to shift the blame to others;

Under the guise of concern behave as if the other person is an invalid, stupid, inferior, etc. (classic example is when the daughter ends up cleaning the apartment and finds mother-in-law crawls with a rag, wiping freshly washed floor. To the astonished questions of the young woman's mother-in-law lovingly said: "Oh, darling, never mind, we just have made sure the house was clean." Naturally, after such manifestations of passive aggressive sister-in-law quietly furious, but polite tone and show "care" to be rude is not accepted – well, then in the evening the young family would be a scandal).

Where it comes from? The origins of passive aggressionalmost all the features of the personality, passive aggression from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one parent (or both) was unpredictable and powerful, he finds it difficult to Express their needs, wishes and outrage. From this, there is an underlying sense of danger, a strong alarm.

If a child is punished for expressing anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve their goals in a roundabout way, but disagreement and anger don't Express outwardly, to Express his passive ways.

For example, on one of the forums when discussing passive-aggressive behavior participant said: "Oh, in my family all is well! We have been dangerous to resent and something not just to demand, and make mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, to punish... I Remember, even to get the tape recorder on New year's, I didn't ask the parents, and had built a complicated schema is: how hints, roundabout to ensure that they guessed...". In fact, such a child grows up in an environment where open resistance is impossible (due to economic, physical dependence on parents), and usually possessed masterly skills of "guerrilla warfare".

Passive-aggressive are sure that the world is a dangerous place to open up and trust people – our own peril. And if other people find out what scares you, Angers or particularly desirable, they also gain control of you. Game with control – another person's passive aggression. To demand or ask something from the other means to be substituted, to show their weakness, dependence. This means that what you want people can play (and the world, the ideas of passive-aggressive, hostile, and deal with it fatal). Therefore open to want something or from something directly to give up means to give up control over their lives in the wrong hands. Therefore, the passive-aggressive desires are not directly expressed, and on any foreign please answer "Yes", then brood, get angry inside and do not, pleading forgetfulness and the fact that "not yet".

By the way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: that girls are more likely to suppress the manifestations of stubbornness, energy and anger. So many women grow up convinced that if they are "correct, truly feminine" (gentle, always nice, neapolitani), they will "come back." And if you are not, then you're doing something wrong, for example much blatantly demand; a loving man he must himself guess and please the woman he loves; and her work gradually to bring it to the desired idea. Not out to put another person in the head with their desires, then – suffer in silence, as a partisan, and favorite let listen: "guess yourself", "well, do not understand", "if you loved me, you would know" and "whatever you want". Yes, it's covert struggle for power and control; if you openly say, "Make me so-and-so, I want this," you can hear and direct refusal ("Not now, I don't have time"), and even, get what you want, make sure that the happiness it brought. And what, then, who demanded – and he himself is to blame? No, it's better to hint, to obtain (or not obtain) the desired and, if satisfaction is not, then all the blame on the one who incorrectly read thoughts.

Now numerous courses of "How to become a feminine woman" often provoke and support the trainees in their development of a passive-aggressive personality. Courses with the model name "become coveted over the weekend" teach a woman, well, not take initiative – you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything you have in your life right happened by itself. After all, when a strong and active man sees feminine woman suffering, not to obtain something important, he'll understand and he'll do anything for you, you can get and give! But to do something: to require, to achieve, to abandon the unnecessary, to ask and to take care of themselves — it is impossible in any case. Well, it's unladylike! So either suffer it wasn't brought up, or to twist others arms: hints, gradually build up to its idea, "to create conditions". In General, passive aggression, as it is.

What do you do if you met the passive-aggressive type in its path?First, you should know that passive-aggressive person provokes the other, but the conflict doesn't start. Do not succumb to provocations – your "emotions" will not help clarify the relationship, but only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Allot the soul somewhere else and complain to friends and family, but don't make passive-aggressive such a gift, don't show "bad" and "scandalous". Do not trust the passive-aggressive secrets and information that can bring you harm if disclosed.

What are their names what is happening and their feelings. Don't blame other, just say, "When is so-and-so, I usually upset." For example: "When you go to all the Department for lunch and forget to call me, I'm sad." No need to accuse ("you on purpose!"), no need to generalize ("you always!"). Tell us about your feelings as you began to feel sad and bad. He passive-aggressive as fire is afraid to be accused of others ' ills, and others should know that for you it is not "nothing happened", but something upsetting.

Don't expect a man you will understand and re-educated (even if you tell him this article). Most likely, this in itself is not going to happen. Passive-aggressive personality usually does not come to psychotherapy due to the fact that with them something not so: they usually complain about others (which, of course, to blame) or other psychological problems (e.g. depression), or they are forced to be close, which it is intolerable coexistence.

Author: Elizabeth Pavlova

published

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

 

Source: psyholog-in-web.ru/2014/10/05/passivnaya-agressya2/