The art of conflict resolution: make the right decisions for you!

Instead of swearing – informing. Instead of violence – forcing an Ideal state when people live on the same wavelength, it is desirable, possible, but rare. In reality, the inevitable clash of interests of the people, inconsistency, mismatch between expectations and what happens in reality, and the occurrence of spontaneous reactions to all this. Here not to do without debug relations.





The WILD FORM of giving feedback the key to effective debugging of the relationship is feedback. In everyday life, feedback is often served in a form that is exacerbating the problems, not resolving them.

Examples of the forms statements, complicating the relationship are evaluation and recommendations. Assessment – this is a story about who, what is man: a pig, a goat, etc. variations of the specific qualifications of individuals we all know well. Recommendations are statements such as: "Do that." This is often the offer to go away, "shut up" etc. Very often these two types of statements are used in conjunction. In fact, it is abuse.

The speaker think is the best way to debug a relationship. He immediately shares with others the results of their analytical work about the behaviour of another person and gives the gist: "You should do this, and you will have happiness".

"Smarter sponsorship" does not work

It would seem that the one to whom such a speech, would open him to rejoice in truth, to thank for the sponsor's intellectual and work.

But the first thing that defends people, is self-esteem and autonomy, ipodcontent.

Apparently in human nature to analyze the situation and to make decisions, but if you do it for him, he perceives it as a threat. That's why the answer can go "symmetric" statements. It's rarely something good.





Of course, being silent in a situation of disagreement, also out of the question. Silencing the problem exacerbates it. We need to talk. But how, in what style, in what form?

You need to share information for analysis, not the analysis need to be informed!

Inform a story about yourself, not about other. About their condition, about their desires, about their feelings. They need to know the other. This should help him in changing his behavior. "When you do that, I hate. I would like to here what".

Informing can be extended up to exchange fantasies, not only of thoughts, feelings, wishes, hopes. All this should be embodied in the so call "I"statements. Ie statements in the first person and solely about themselves and not about the other.

In normal, the submitted partner in communication and information should help him to debug their behavior. If not, what to do in this case? To continue the feedback until the end.

I don't care about your desires, says the partner in communication.

And when you say it, I done did bad. And I'm starting to look at serious subjects, and I think not to whack you with a frying pan?

In case of failure in case of failure to Snicket. Should not kill the person who committed the error or offense.

Non-equilibrium SELECTION IN such cases can help the provision of non-equilibrium choices. It will be a way to force a person to reckon with the interests of other people.

What compulsion is different from violence? When forcing the man given the choice when violence is not. When violence is at once maimed or fired from their jobs or evicted from apartments.

What choice is subject to coercion?

 It with the troublemaker is something like this.
"Your behavior creates problems of another person or group. About it you were gently informed. Change has not come. This causes even more tension. You have a choice, either to take note of what you have heard, and to make changes in their behavior, or to ignore the information, but then to face the consequences of your choices. If you spit in the team, it will clear itself, if the collective spits on you, you'll drown..."

When violence was simply repression, without talking.

Four degrees of intimidation

It turns out that in encouraging changes in awareness we can distinguish several degrees of effect:

Informing the first degree: a quiet story about impressions and wishes.

Informing the second degree: the story of the disappointments and grievances and the continuing impressions and desires. It's more like "otbivku", "setting view". Added emotions.

Informing third degree: a story about the impending decisions. This genre closer to the "party meeting". Offer to think seriously about their behavior and to draw conclusions. Take the help of a senior friend (can be counselor, therapist or other mentor) who "bail".

Informing the fourth degree: offer to sit on a chair near the exit door and to decide: either the behavior changes or comes goodbye.

In General, this serial Dating "stream of consciousness" with the demands of reality, with the level of stress caused by inappropriate behavior of its members. It's all chance, not fit into the system, the person to respond to the queries of the system and, thus, to keep in a relationship.

To LEAVE the RIGHT DECISIONS FOR HIM If he does not respond after sequential information, it is time to make decisions.

Solutions:

• to accept, as is (to stop waiting for the desired behavior of object of influence, to start to do things for him, to achieve the desired result by other means);
• strengthen the educational impact, while no change or no run;
• released back home, to seek solutions to their problems with another employee, partner or alone.

After the decision to move to implement it. This is "the principle of a broken record".

Pay attention to the fact that there are scale effects. Given time the other person (and yourself) to solve the problem. We are not talking about that or just accept the situation as it is or you can just be sure to "punish the offender".Sudden movements, decisions are required in extreme situations, but should not be your entire life to equate to the extreme.

I am reminded of a story:
Remember my College lecturer on surgery. His name was Lazarev. He showed his work. It was delicate work to restore burned or crushed tissues. In one case it was about the restoration of the brush of a man who in the forest rested his hand on his gun and it's gun went off. You can imagine what happened to palm. In General, the palm is a complicated device with lots of bones connected to each other by joints. Only metatarsals – 5. Alexander, I do not remember already as a middle name, "gathered" that hand, and the man managed it to work. Worked Lazarev "slow". It might seem that he was "tinkering" with the transplanted pieces of skin, etc. he said the following: "We're not in the field, not a war, thank God. You can work the way it should". In the meantime, he worked with the damaged tissue, he actually "breathed" life into them your direct contact. From his hands, I'm sure, passed on the healing, supportive energy to the tissues, which he restored. Because they get accustomed to that he was with them "tinkering".

And in everyday life, we desire to pass from a state of race war to the peaceful arrangement of life... And, most importantly, to give time to ourselves and to others to change. Not a bad affliction, but not to worry excessively. Rely on the healing effect of feedback and leave the right decisions for themselves. published

 

Author: Andrei Ermoshin

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: www.moscom-psy.com/psychotherapy/regulacija_otnoshenij.php