About protecting themselves... conflict
"I'm afraid of conflict... I avoid them. I find it easier to give in, to smooth out the corners. Not to notice me directed aggression. To turn the conversation to another topic. To laugh it off. Anything, just not a conflict."
Why are we so afraid of conflict, at times positions, honest look at things and relationships?Because of our deep experience out of fear of the consequences we faced when we tried to voice their concerns and defend themselves.
A child once in your life trying to insist on – for example, does not want to wear this jacket, or do not want to give the toy to his brother, or kiss someone else's lady... Or he directly declares: "I want", "I don't want to." Or, protesting, screaming, crying and outputs something like: "Mom is bad". This emotional response is direct and negative. The parent is very, very difficult to deal with it. Especially if he is overwhelmed with shame and guilt. He wants this negative thread to stop, to block. And he wants to feel like a good parent. So as not to experience shame and guilt.The more robust parent, the more space the child's rights.
The more he is injured and full of holes, the less the child is allowed to have its limits and rights.When adults are afraid of conflict, they usually say:
Each person unfolds a negative scenario, which he received in his children's experience... and heard the parent's judgment and counsel:
- "I'm afraid that someone will be displeased with me";
- "I expect I will be the victim, no one will care about my interests";
- "What is the use in conflict, if all will remain, and the relationship sours?"
- "I'm accused of selfishness, and I'll feel guilty"...
Overall, the child learns the message:"You have boundaries and the right to defend them, not convenient to me. If you insist, I will deny you, humiliate, punish or hurt in any other way. You'll get praise, or I'll leave you alone if you're convenient to me."
- "Angry is a very bad girl";
- "I will not talk with such evil children";
- "Such greedy and selfish I don't need";
- "Nobody asks what you want, do what you're told";
- "Gonna yell, will pass to the orphanage (will give to a policeman)";
- "Yes, who are you to open your mouth".
A person who has endured multiple destruction their borders, recognizes the scenario: "Defending their rights, interests, and conflict in General as dangerous — it leads to unbearable consequences."It remains to adapt, but the price is high -you have to betray yourself, denying themselves protection.
Is safer to play along with my infantile parent "good boy" or "good girl" and use different protection (flight of fantasy) in order to minimize the damage. People get used to the fact that to break the boundaries is natural, and ceases to react with anger...it
Comes down to the fact that he is a substitute for natural response forced roles, not realizing and not realizing that they are doing other people... in some cases getting even masochistic satisfaction or considering the invasion of a form of friendship and care.On this basis, we:
Instead of a natural reaction to protect itself tightly fastened demonstration of loyalty.
- rush to rescue your friend in need for the thousandth time;
- allow familiar and unfamiliar to give their advice, give us a rating and generally interfere in our lives;
- korima and scold myself for the fact that someone felt the inconvenience and displeasure from some of our operations;
- sacrifice ourselves for something "more significant" than some of our interests....
And invariably the result is that we feel the longing, the emptiness, the frustration and the pain of samopredatelstva.
Another fatal consequence of the tragedy is that, abandoning the idea of defending yourself, life will look for the other person, system, idea, which is to protect him.
It will serve them as well as served as parents, ignoring their rights and allowing them to violate your boundaries with one purpose – to obtain this protection, of which he was deprived. Alas! This is another illusion, which, with the loss of another hope, adds its contribution to the total amount of pain and frustration.
A woman cannot turn off the mobile phone even at the reception — it actively solicits the world need for its participation.
"How can you stand that?" — I ask."What feeling at you arises when the person calls you for the fifth time with a trivial question?"
-"I feel angry," she says — but quickly suppressed"
-"What's the point? Nothing will change".
"I seem to constantly choose between the "I'm feeling bad or very bad", — says another woman.
"I feel that my boundaries are violated when you assess my appearance or manner of dress... Who should care? But I'm so scared to say that this is my personal matter that I prefer to get involved in this humiliating discussion, and even make excuses...In the end, I avoided conflict, but a horrible feeling of betrayal itself causes depression".
"I insist on their right to do as they please, but still the parent "selfish!" puts me in a strong feeling of guilt. I begin to doubt themselves and their decisions, I want to give them up, or at least to apologize for what I'm doing for myself."
"I am very afraid of his anger... I think it is destructive. And therefore I do not venture to show it, because others may have suffered from it."
What we currently allow in your life are precisely the rights that could ensure us parents. To provide a number of your own maturity and love. If the resource to sustain us, different from their perceptions, was microscopic, therefore, we dedicate ourselves to microscopic law
. Many people live with this all my life, especially not thinking about the fact that from NOW on NOBODY is EMPOWERED to SET the SIZE AND NUMBER of THESE RIGHTS.
To exercise their right in full, you must confront your childish fear of conflict, someone else's discontent, someone's rejection
. Dive into your awful, to lose someone, and with someone "Dating". Confrontation with another person or your own children's Outlook on life is meeting, the meeting with reality, with real feelings...where you allow yourself to be real, not invented, not "made" for the sake of someone.
People often wonder what the consequences of this conflict are quite different, not as bad as it seemed. Some people can not agree, someone is surprised to learn that you don't like something, someone thinks. Conflict sometimes leads to the rupture of relations, but more often revise them. After this revision are those who are able to withstand, and leave those who he is in fear and nepovolena.
In the end, it is not what you have going on with other people. The most important thing is what you have going on with him. You are the defenders themselves, and no more need to earn someone's forgiveness. You no longer betray yourself.
Author: Veronica Brown
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©