When travmatik "thawed" in therapy,
when retreating its protection in the first place, idealization of parental figures and of his childhood, when he finally begins to understand that what happened is not the result of his badness and guilt, and consequently nematocera of dealing with it, he experiences grief
The same mount from which he was hiding, which it was difficult for him to admit that psychologically, he is an orphan
Nothing to change, the new child does not provide, and the resulting injuries in the past — in fact shape his present life, and out of them by an effort of will is impossible.
At the same time travmatik begins to clearly identify the "hungry" needs – responsible, caring, strong adult strong parent, on which one could rely.
Being in constant search of such figures, based on their "antiradicalism" criteria, he certainly finds her – and begins to idealize.
This was found people may, for example, to show their feelings, in contrast to the emotionally closed parents who feelings concealed, or he listens, or seems decisive, responsible – again, unlike the parents, etc.
Most often, this figure becomes the new partner, but not only. To idealiziruete can head, senior staff members or friends, doctors, other officials.
Unknowingly endowed with "adulthood" expected desirable behavior with respect to travmatik, namely – patience, empathy, responsibility for their actions and feelings, the ability to clarify problems in the relationship, not falling in protection.So, quietly wrapping the internal needs outward on the other person.
Alas, disappointment is inevitable.
Despite the idealized expectation of "maturity", very soon, as soon as the difficulties encountered, real people – lovers, officials, the various authorities are ... ordinary travmatiki. Which have their own vulnerabilities that hide behind defenses, I'm afraid to be genuine, or can not stand the light, open questions, and often simply do not get it: what is this area called "partnerships"?
Real people (who, unlike us — not in therapy) is lost or even scared: how to interact with the expression of feelings and open presentation of another person's own needs?How to find the place beside him – to claim their rights and boundaries?
After all, many "ordinary" people are afraid to even speak on their own behalf, not able to say "I", or consider natural for us to clarify the "showdown" that should be avoided?
From travmatika begins a new streak of disappointments. Those whom he "gave" the maturity and responsibility too are scared, not older children.
Where can we find someone on whom you can rely?
After the nth number of attempts to find yourself an adult figure (usually 3-5 years of therapy), survived a series of painful disappointments, frustration, relieving the pain of ritrama travmatik slowly but surely come to the liberating conclusion: he is more Mature than many of those around him
Is he able to stay in the relationship, even if they have difficulty from the category of "once again hit the injured," he is aware your protection, relies on openness in relationships. He is able to clarify ambiguities, the shadow side of relationships. And he can take responsibility for their feelings and actions.
Gradually it leaves the longing for the adult figure, the partner that will take part of his burden. Comes the realization: I am a worthy partner.
I take care of myself, help and support. And will be able to support me a suitable partner.
After a while fades away the usual idealization of other people, travmatik more sees a real, real, not perfect women and men — with all their "weaknesses" and strengths. And does not collapse from this.
Based on acceptance of oneself, podlaczenia travmatik chooses his partner with whom he would like to develop a relationship.published
Author: Veronica Brown
Also interesting: One of the main lessons that you must pass Steve Rother: There is only one kind of relationship is you with you
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©