How to get out of TOXIC relationships

Usually these stories happen with girls 17-20 years, but the key here is not age, butlack of experience and low self-esteem. If you feel that you begin to put the relationship above yourself, then love has brought you in a trap. Here is the experience and advice of women who managed to step out of the gloom.

Blogger Marina Kharitonova thinks the book "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer need to be mandatory to advise you to read the Schoolgirls, "And to explain that if you meet someone like Edward, immediately run the other way, despite the beauty and expensive car".

According to statistics, every third woman at least once in life goes through a toxic relationship – aggressive partner with a vast conceit gradually destroys our self-confidence. Marina survived such an experience at the age of 19: "there was no one who could explain what was happening, she remembers. Only later, working as a volunteer at the shelter for women survivors of violence, I understand what you're facing". Below, Marina paints a portrait of the victim and the aggressor in the relationship of Bella and Edward from "Twilight."


"Bella is a seventeen year old schoolgirl, lives with her father, but they almost do not communicate. Parents divorced when she was little and before moving to her father at the age of 17 Bella only got to see him during the summer holidays. "One of the best qualities of my father Charlie unobtrusive," says about him Bella.

The girl's mother – kind and loving, but pathologically disorganized, infantile woman the daughter had to look after daughter.

The bell itself is terribly complex. It looks attractive and is popular among young people, but itself is not considered beautiful. In school it seems that all look at her, she always embarrassed and worried. She considers herself ordinary, cowardly, clumsy and boring.

Such insecure, inexperienced, will receive less attention of parents (due to parental immaturity, selfishness, or lack of maternal/paternal love) girls looking for a victims of violent men wanting to control the woman. This Is Edward.

The aggressor

He immediately starts a relationship with Bella on his own terms — first, roughly dumps her, and then saves the life of and showering with attention and compliments, talking about how she's special, extraordinary and better than all the other girls in the world in the last hundred years. Rude girl forgives, and revels in attention — why, because she considers herself unworthy.

Almost immediately relations is set too serious a tone. Bella is his fate. Now he's with her forever. They have not just a high school romance, and serious.This is typical behavior of aggressors — such men confess their love on the first or second date, say they have never experienced anything like it. Inexperienced women swallow the bait too quick recognition of their not alarming.

Edward behaves with Bella, as the owner often ignores her wishes and tells her what to do. Sometimes he even picks her up and carries wherever considered necessary. It is characteristic of men-"supervisors" — she says she's not hungry, and he told her what to eat. At the end of the first book he's taking her to prom, she didn't want to go dressed in clothes and shoes that make her uncomfortable.

Beloved follows the girl everywhere, watching her, even at night climbs into her room to watch her sleep. However, Belle was flattered by all this. And it is also typically the inexperience many people perceive unhealthy controlling behavior how strong the love and attention.

At the same time, Edward is in no hurry to dispel the girls complexes about her helplessness. He insists that she needed care that she always find problems and will really hurt yourself. All this served as a "concern". Main expression in relation to the Bella smile. He mocks her when she's angry, when embarrassed, when he's angry.

Edward definitely has a problem with aggression — he clenches his fists, growls, grits his teeth, threatening to kill those or other "bad" people. So often he says he can kill the very Bella because he is a dangerous vampire. Warns that they don't need to be together, that he's a bad guy, and generally whether he is a decent man — he had to go away from her forever. So he keeps her in constant fear — a favorite cause physical pain or kill, or worse, will leave forever!

Despite all this, Bella sees their relationship as ineffable happiness and undeserved good fortune. She considers Edward to be a God or, at least, an angel. His "angelic" beauty is mentioned in almost every sentence. She apologizes to him, though to apologize, as a rule, not for that. Apologizes that "provokes" — classics such relations. Moreover, she regrets it: "I was sincerely concerned his suffering. Even now, when he admitted his desire to kill me"...

What eventually lead to such relationships if the does not get? For his name, — early marriage, pregnancy and care in an isolated cult.Most of the women in the novel with the aggressor has to pay the years of pain and shattered self-confidence".

"Go on Prime Minister and promised to die without me"

Russian model Anna Shcherbinina has experienced a toxic relationship in reality. Speaking in an interview with the magazine "7 days" about her affair with his son Alain Delona actor Anthony Delon, she admitted that his desire to control and possessiveness is manifested immediately and bordered on insanity:

The first thing Anthony did when we started living together, my freedom. I had to report all their movements, calls and meetings. That I have to work, he didn't want to hear! According to Delon Jr., the woman should belong to him completely...Distrust and jealousy day by day saps our love. It got to the point of absurdity: at some point Anthony told me not to walk the dog because I was afraid that while walking I can meet someone.

Another characteristic of male supervisors – immaturity. "Anthony in his forty-eight often acts like he's eight — Anna remembers. — No, he's independent, he pays the bills, he cooks, cleans the house better than any cleaners. But he, as a child from my mother, requires continuous attention. The roots of this addiction in his childhood".

Selfish to the extreme, such a person is able prudent to hit them where it hurts and not hesitate to throw in a moment of danger. When Anna broke his leg and was in the hospital, Anthony several times went to the hospital. "He came in a particularly bad mood...we had a fight. And then he said very hurtful words, saying that it is unknown whether I will ever walk normally or remain crippled for life. "You're going down, so get in there and further! Happy travels!" — Anthony finished his speech and slammed the door. He never appeared. Thus ended our romantic tale.

For the first time being home — leg still were killing me, but I began to go for the night, I burst into tears. I have never felt such resentment and emptiness at the same time. I didn't have work because of the injury I couldn't do it. I didn't have friends — Anthony, almost all dispersed by his jealousy. But more than anything at that moment, I needed the support of a loved one. I needed Anthony, and he betrayed me — in the same way as his betrayed father. The circle is closed. Some days I wanted him to call, but soon lost hope...

...After the New year rang Delon — warned that I will be over to pick some of his things. Apparently, he saw my pictures in the society pages, because what he said struck me sentence: "you see! I told you that you're a liar. Go on premieres, and promised to die without me".

This is the gist of it. Women should not exist without it. And even more — so frankly to enjoy life. When he arrived, he offered to talk and took me to a fancy restaurant, where I listened to a lot of beautiful words — that without me it's hard for him to breathe, his heart cry...

But no, I don't get back. I knew that sincere humility lurk all the same demons: resentment of father, jealousy of my work. I knew that all end badly. And I finally got dreams, new goals in life."

Out of the gloom

New York-based journalist and blogger Sadie Doyle (Sady Doyle), a survivor of toxic relationships, I developed a few rules that will help you out, if you feel that your relationship with a loved one you destroy.

1. Learn the term "Gas lamp"

In a healthy relationship no one is in control. If you try to control how you behave, think and feel about yourself is not loveing.

Controlling the behavior of a partner may be obvious and take extreme forms: for example, it ensures how much you spend, specifies you how to dress, requires that you stopped seeing family or friends. Threatening punishment in case of disobedience. If there is something on this list, it means that you are subjected to violence – we must move as quickly as possible, the only way it can be stopped.

If you hurt open – you can leave. But if you lie, falsify the facts, intentionally misrepresenting your words – difficult to understand what's going on. Partner gradually destroys our ability to think and act sensibly, playing on the guilt.This kind of manipulation has received in psychology called "gas lamp", in honor of the Hollywood Thriller with Ingrid Bergman where the husband tried to make wife believe she is crazy.

Manipulator is constantly changing the rules of the game or creates a situation in which it is impossible to win – you need to perform the opposite task, and you will be punished, if you do not do one or the other.

Outdoor scenario: "You're lazy, so you have to sit over textbooks at home. And you think I don't care, so I want you to answer the phone when I call to you during your home exercises".

Hidden scenario: "I want my girl had good taste, so never wear a skirt that I don't like. But if you have good taste, you don't even need to ask, what kind of petticoat I like". Whatever you do, you lose.

"Gas lamp", like rust, erodes our sense of reality, destroys self-esteem and reduces us to the depressed, full of fears and hatred of the hysterical personality. And then the partner declares that treats you bad because you are hysterical or crazy.

2. Don't blame yourself

When we realize that we were treated poorly, the first reaction is usually confusion, confusion and anxiety. We spend hours analyze the words and behavior of a loved one, trying to figure out why he did it?

"In fact, the reason is only one, says Sadie Doyle. – Your kindness and generosity. Poor people do not fall into a toxic relationship. On the contrary, they happen to good people – your generosity is used against you".

Those who are ill-treating you, saying you deserve it, because selfish, caring enough or too demanding. In fact, people enter into relationships with controlling or aggressive linostema not because they lack empathy, forgiveness or patience. On the contrary, they have too much empathy, forgiveness and patience. You are so friendly that see the good in your partner, even when no one else sees. He has learned that you will tolerate things that others in your place would not tolerate.

3. Don't go up the escalator

"You can't force this person to be honest with you, honest, fair — warns Sadie Doyle. – I repeat: you can't make him treat you decently. And you don't even need to try. All you have to do is respect yourself and believe that you are good, fair and credible personality. I know it's not easy — she had lost her way several times. But the most profound ones I linked, just as trying to force someone who has behaved toward me dishonest, to treat me well."

The truth is that such relations are not called "toxic". We get sick because of them. And the longer we continue the novel, forgive or try to make our partners aware of the consequences of his or her behavior – the more sick and feel worse.

It is very difficult to respond sensibly inside unhealthy relationships. If someone is constantly distorts your words and accusing you, over time you begin to think that the manipulation of facts and allegations — the way to win an argument.

If someone wants to prove that you are cowardly or weak, he or she will do and say things that will bring balance to any sane person the partner I want to see you wounded and lost peace of mind. And then you will be the one fueling the conflict. In rage you scream terrible things, you will cry all day to do meanness to revenge and completely lose yourself – all because you thought there was some way to force this man to be fair.

But it is not even "I'm sorry" you from such a person will not wait. All you can do is to believe in the following:

4. You have no power over me

In the American film "Labyrinth" young Sarah falls in love with hero David Bowie — who wouldn't be? Hero David Bowie is obviously not indifferent to Sarah. Because of this love Sarah falls into a very confusing and dangerous maze. Puzzles, monsters, horror and in the midst of all this is David Bowie and says, "I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, I will be your slave." Here are the major words that every toxic partner feeds his victim.

"Labyrinth" is a very instructive film — says Sadie Doyle. Because in the end it turns out that to fear, to love and to do according to the dictates of love, Sarah does not. She doesn't even need to find a way out of the maze. All you have to do is look him in the eye and say one thing. Before you say it, Sarah says a lot of phrases: how much he made her worry and that she was incredibly strong ("through the dangers and trials without an account I fought and fought their way here", "my strength of spirit is as strong as yours, and my Kingdom is as great").

But all this is just a waste of time, while Sarah says the only thing that matters: "You have no power over me". She just needed to say these words, and realize that it's true. And then the maze is falling apart, and she goes home.

You will also get home. You are already there: you are in control of your life. All you need to remember that. And the picture in my head will begin to clear up". published


P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©



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