«Dad! I love the girl, she loves me not. What am I to do?". And I know that I answered the king of England? "What, son? Suffer!"Grigory Gorin "kin IV»
Incomplete relationships is what we take with us from the past into the present and carry into the future.
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Incomplete relationships is a process that is necessary to live, making conclusions and taking the full range of their feelings.
What hinders this process? Why you need to live your feelings? And what psychologists call high-quality end of the relationship?
In Gestalt therapy is the concept of "contact". Each satisfied need has complete contact (complete situation). The easiest way to explain it in everyday example.
You are hungry and go to the refrigerator (phase contact – precontact), open it and choose to eat. Let's say you chose the salad, took it and ate it (phase contact). After that, you feel a sense of satisfaction and saturation (postcontact). For you this situation will be fully completed.
If, for example, went to the refrigerator and decided not to eat, or eat a salad because we eat, this situation can also be called completed, so you do not experience hunger and your need was eventually satisfied. Any action will be considered complete if it is not emotional.
In between two people, all is the same. But rarely fully goes through all the stages in a relationship and lives the end of the relationship. Feelings (anger, guilt, resentment, hatred), which require termination shall remain with the person, is suppressed, and then transferred to other relationships, especially if the person entered into other relationships with the purpose of evasion of the last.
Having unresolved emotions, he gets stuck on a high emotional level, and spends this enormous amount of energy. And emotions anywhere it does not disappear and continue to destroy people from the inside.To feel more comfortable, he "invents" the protective mechanisms against the negative emotions of your past.
Give a real example.
The young man broke up after 5 years relationship with a girl. Though there was a lot of talk about the fact that they break up, after breaking up, the young man's pain left and he began myself every day to "revive", saying that "I'm fine". When I talked to this man, he told me that almost believed that he had all "passed" in relation to his beloved. But the reality may be far from the case. Denial of feelings, positive thinking, switching to external activity in life, other relationships not very effective, as any of these options, people do not get the experience of living relationships and their feelings in them.
A woman, 38 years, divorced her husband six months ago and supports a relationship with him, keeping them in physical proximity which is even more emotionally reinforces their Union. Such relationships ex-spouses negate the possibility of a new relationship, as, not "letting go" entirely one relationship, it is impossible to build more. We cannot live a double life where on the one hand, we have past relationships with their offense, and with another – a new relationship. For a new need to have free space.
There are times when the person abruptly leaves the relationship (whether this occurs through his fault or through the fault of the partner), and he has no time to understand what is happening. Thus, the gap is a work in progress situation and the same incomplete sense in it. The gap people avoid farewells and explanations, and this further complicates the completion of the situation.
What to do with unlived feelings? The first thing you need to do – to be aware of them. Make, not shoving them in yourself. Without denial, condemnation.To live this sense of loss that was in my life.
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Find a way out of these feelings, write a letter to the former partner, keep a diary, talk with loved ones, seek help from a psychologist. Do not seek as soon as possible to have a relationship with another person, do not look at him "the Savior" from your troubles and pain. Give yourself as much time as you need to end the relationship. You cannot help but get faster to end the relationship, or give yourself only 2 weeks to complete them.
At first we talked about the three phases of the relationship that is important to go through each person. There is a fourth phase of relations, call it INSIGHTS. This phase can also be called quality end of the relationship. If your life has unfinished relationship with someone, you can do this useful exercise.
In order to analyze your past relationship, you will need to answer questions:
What caused emotions?
How did this affect my life?
What price I paid for this relationship?
What I didn't tell them, did not?
What I would finish or finish, but that does not matter to me?
What kind of partner I was in this relationship?
What did you expect from the other that he invested in these relationships?
What kind of relationship in the future I need, and what is unacceptable to me?
I'm thankful to my former partner?
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Answering questions related to the partner, the person absorbs valuable experience that will help him not to commit the mistakes of the past in the future in other ways. This experience may subsequently affect his relationship with another partner on his perception of the other person. A profound summing up may lead to a new perspective on what happened and a detailed understanding of the relationship. Good luck to you on your way to mindfulness and the quality of the endings! published