I will never talk like that to their children Bashny.Net

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The site publishes emotional article by a psychotherapist, a specialist on healthy eating and mom Olga Karczewski, which explains why it is so important to be respectful to your children and love them with unconditional love. Insights Olga someone may seem too categorical, but a very large share of truth in them.

Yesterday in the subway sat on the bench waiting for the train with mom and son 6 years. Mom wearily and monotonously tukala it with the frequency of the strobe the village disco. Ordinary so tukala, without much anger, it was evident that the way they have always. It was like this:

Mom, my stomach hurts...

— And who is to blame? I told you not to eat so much. You generally do not know the steps, out you as inflated. I ate as much as expected, and you? Why did you overeat? Look at your pants. All dirty like a pig. I have these pants just yesterday, washed, and again necessary. Get up, the train came. And things your who will take uncle Fyodor? Always everywhere leave...

The boy turned around, grabbed her bag and dejectedly went to the car. My gut sank. For two reasons. First, me as a baby spoke that way. Secondly, when I'm very tired or depressed, I also do it with my son.

I wanted to sit next to the boy, Pat his belly, hugged her, to say something like: "don't listen to her, you're right, you're just a child. It is normal that you don't know when to stop eating, you still are not Mature enough brain you to be able to control yourself, it should deal with your mother. It's okay to stain clothes. You're a child, also a boy. You have from head to toe to look like a miner. And for my things you can't always keep track of your age, the more that thing by midnight, you're very tired." And add something like "kitty, Bunny, my good" — as I call his son in moments of tenderness.

But I got in the other side of the car, closed my eyes and felt that now someone will cry. In my head there was mother's voice, Televisi me at every step. To the pain (naturally painfully) familiar "hands of W...", "who you're going to need", "what will you become".

I grew up and learned to defend themselves. I was never allowed to talk to me like that. To learn how to do it, it took me more than one year of psychotherapy. The restoration of the destroyed before the Foundation of the boundaries. Reconstruction reinitiating self-esteem. The adoption itself. But the voices in my head are still with me. Costs a bit more than normal, depleted, and broken record begins to play the familiar texts.

I have the mother herself, living in another part of the world, between me and mom to almost 8 thousand kilometers. We rarely see each other and rarely even talk on the phone. On the phone she had already learned to keep my concerns about my female, human and professional qualities to yourself. She even learned to write in the SMS "I love you"! Although a couple of years ago, even after watching the programme with my participation (I was involved as a consultant on nutrition) on the First channel (in the coordinate system of my mom's the space), she asked me: "When you yourself get a real job?".

But if you try to spend more than a day together physically, images from childhood come to life. Because the mother in her childhood was treated several times worse. She gives me 2% solution of the fact that her mother, my brutal grandma gave her.

All childhood I repeated the mantra: "Om, I will never speak to his children like that", but when I'm annoyed, de-energized and the control is weakened, though, I hear from my mouth is screaming at my child very similar texts with a surprisingly authentic tone of the family.

I absolutely do not blame the mother that she talked about 30 years ago and what she didn't say — "favorite girl", "my home", "my good". I already have experienced the hard way how much we are influenced by firmware in early childhood. These programs are not so easy to cancel. Not so easy to install new over the old. It only remains for me to sympathize with her. As well as her mother, which, as it is easy to assume, in the childhood was even worse. And if you look further into the family history, it's the devil himself would break a leg and run, whimpering, for the rest. Dispossession, famine, war, enemies of the people — that's all.

I just love them all, crippled, lived as best they could, my ancestors, whose torch I have I pass on. I just struggled to love his son to this terrible relay is interrupted.

To apologize after the breakdowns (which, fortunately, is not so frequent), to explain why this happens. 10 times a day to reassure them of unconditional love. 50 times a day to hug. To do positive messages. To be responsible as an adult for the child, so he learned also to answer someone else when they grow up. I'm doing everything I can.

Do everything to voices in his head told him that he has the right to life. Have the right to love just because he was born. He didn't need neither be earned. He's by nature a handsome, smart and talented (all true) that he has a big heart and he will grow a real man. He now manifests himself as a real man always opens doors for me, takes my weight, I this is not taught.

And the more I try to do all this, the weaker voices in my head. Yes, they still have, and perhaps always will be. But I have not always listen to them, as well as the noise of cars driving past outside the window. Get used to everything. I less trying to earn the love and its right to exist and more are just yourself.

I understand that this is not just my story. Our people historically conditioned low self-esteem. And while it will not change — will not change anything. There will be no fair elections, and clean streets. And instead will war with their neighbors, stealing, lying, drunkenness and degradation.

I have no answer to the question of what to do with it. How to help people to get rid of the voices in their heads talking to them that they were pigs, adult mares, fat cow. Voice, this is telling them to go get drunk to turn down the volume. Or go to snap at their children. Or to hate anyone.

In my coordinate system, each starts with yourself. Appealed for help to the professionals, meditating, praying, yoga — in short, he does what helps him. Trying to love their children and their parents — imperfect, annoying. When learns to do this, begin to train on neighbors, colleagues at work, bystanders. When you start to deal with them, the desire to remake others becomes significantly less.

When we start ourselves — ourselves — indeed to respect, then we all will be and fair elections, and clean streets.

via www.adme.ru/zhizn-semya/ya-nikogda-ne-budu-tak-razgovarivat-so-svoimi-detmi-1106010/