Andrei Maximov: When parents become enemies to their children

From the author: Sometimes life jokes. It just puts you were not at arm's length, and only a few phrases from the confidential talk with those whose books have long been standing on a shelf in the ground, near a row. Pages in notes, in free field - questions, sometimes - bookmarks. And here you sit with a bunch of thoughts, doubt, robeesh, and then collect a week's worth of pride, do breath and carefully choosing his words - hello ...

Probably, largely due to the fact that Andrei Markovich Maksimov he took for his life more than three thousand interviews, our conversation was very dense, rich meanings. What to learn from children how to help yourself and a loved one, what a brain hygiene, how to find his vocation. Deep conversation.


- Andrej Markovic, as it turned out, that a journalist and TV presenter became psihofilosofom? This fact did not happen suddenly?

- It came from the people. I began to consult, because people began to come to me. Not because I announced, "Now I can." This happened even now more than ten years ago. I gave a lecture at Moscow University.

I was approached by a student and asked to speak to her mother, because they conflict. This is an important moment for me, because I first wish to say: "Girl, I told you about the interview, where does your relationship with your mother?". We talked with my mother, I was able to help her mother told her friend. And away we go.

To me people began to come and ask questions - how to be with his wife, child and so on. I realized that they need in these conversations. I realized that I have very little knowledge on this subject. And then I almost stopped reading fiction with very few exceptions. He began to educate ourselves, what really helped me a great psychologist of Latvia Dmitry Litsov.

People come to me and believe me, and we are conducting a very serious talk, but that in any case is not medicine, it psihofilosofiya. This discussion of the problems that they have, and the opportunity to try to adjust their attitude to the problems to themselves to themselves and to life. I have no advertising, only word of mouth, and the fact that it works, is that I, at least to some extent, help people.

- In the "psihofilosofiya" word concluded two huge reservoir of theory and practice. What is the value of this combination?

- Let's start I will explain what, in my opinion, psihofilosofiya differs from other psychological systems, which is somewhere around 200. First. Psihofilosofiya not cure, that is, it does not deal with people who are sick, and those who are entangled in themselves and in their lives. Second.

Psychology is designed for you to help other people, or themselves as different, detached. I assume that all people, 100%, are psychological counselors. Because all of us come to the problems related to children, personal life, and so on.

We give advice on the basis of a purely personal experience, that, first of all, is wrong, because the Lord - Master Piece, and every person He creates for individual patterns. What is right for you, does not fit me, because we are different people.

Second, we often share a negative experience. For example, people who could not raise a child, they know how to do it, and give advice on the matter. In order to understand another person, you should try to understand his psyche and his philosophy, so called "psihofilosofiya».

- Name one of your recent books - "Parents as enemies" - it sounds provocative. For what reason and in what situations true statement that parents become enemies to their children?

- The name appeared in connection with the fact that to me for advice they come more often, have problems with their children. Such people are the lion's share of all the others. These are people who want to improve the relationship with the children. These people are convinced that they love their children, but, in fact, often are their enemies. Most of all, this is manifested in the fact that parents do not see the child in person. When a parent thinks that he knows everything about the child. When a parent takes a child for all the most important decisions since the beginning of his life and to God knows what age, all for the child decide.

One of the main principles psihofilosofskogo education: a child - it's a joy. In his worries about his parents Chad, alas, often forget about it. The second principle: the child - a personality. Parents, unfortunately, often do not realize that the people in three years, five years - a person who has their suffering, their joys

. When girls take away the candy, she is going through exactly the same as Anna Karenina, when he thinks that it does not like Vronsky. They have exactly the same subjective pain. From the point of view of an adult, a girl suffering - this is nonsense. But from the point of view of the girl, she suffers for real. Children have their own suffering, his own life experience. About all of this brilliantly written Korczak.

In any child have to see a man. There is a wonderful phrase of a French philosopher: "It is very difficult to get used to the idea that a child is born the mother." And this is so. Any child when he is born, he regenerates his parents. Communicating with children - this interchange

. This is not a story, when I'm on top something freaking her child. My just written the book "Children as a mirror" is dedicated to the youngest son, Andrew, who taught me so much and continues to do so. I very much understand, thanks to him. It is necessary for children to learn, not only to teach. Because children - it is very interesting people who are different from us. With his worldview, with its views.

- And what children can and should learn

? - So we can not say. What can we learn from an adult? One child - one, the other - the other. When I read the lecture "How not to be an enemy to your child," I go into the audience, there twenty, forty, a hundred people. Each does his job. I always say: "would sit in your place children, they would have all made friends, quarreled, make friends»

. We should learn from the children, for example, how to communicate with each other. Or the fact that we must naturally always look at life. I cite a remarkable phrase, when my mother comes to his son and says, "Nobody loves me," and the son asks, "Mom, are you all said?". This is very important, they are logical, and this must be learned. Children have a very clear view of when a person becomes not completely clear view, it is said that he grew up.

- Did you meet such tough criticism on his approach

? -. Of course

- Probably from academia

? - Academic science I do not notice, fortunately. On the part of teachers. Sometimes my teacher support, sometimes ... In February, one of the world's largest scientific psychological journal Applied Psychology and Psychotherapy, published in Canada, published my article about psihofilosofiyu in English. This is a very important moment for me, I never published in the scientific journals, do not have any titles, I am not a candidate, not a doctor, and so I sent this article, and I was invited to cooperate.

< br> - Earlier this year, there was an information network that you run the AUTHOR'S STUDIO "Psihofilosofiya as a method of building a harmonious world of personality»

. - I would like to see the principles of psihofilosofii seized as many people as possible. My dream is to teach the basics of it in school, because - I repeat - each person is another psychological consultant. And I am very grateful to the Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis, who turned to me with a proposal to open a shop.

- In the workshop we will focus, in particular, and on the health of the brain. Who is, in your opinion, is necessary?

- Brain Health is necessary for all. Because man has been more or less hygiene of the soul (reading books, going to church, theater), is actively engaged in body hygiene (fitness, and so on) and are not engaged in hygiene brain.

Wonderful French explorer Doll put a very interesting question, anyone who runs we thought, or thought - us? That is, we think, what we want or what they think? This is a very important issue, because the vast majority of people think about what I think, and as a result there are serious problems. We will try in this workshop to learn how to manage your thoughts. This does not mean that I can teach people to think. I can try to help a person organize the thoughts that his head.

People who come to the studio, they are, on the one hand, will help those who turn to him for advice, and on the other hand - they can help themselves if they can treat yourself as another person. This, too, we learn - how to pull away from him, to try to treat yourself as another

. And, of course, we paid much attention to psihofilosofskomu communication. What it is? Yes, it's just such a communication when a person comes to you not in order to just get worn out and have a good time, and with some urgent problems or problems and you try to help him.

- We assume that not everyone will be able to get in the studio, if only because of the distance. Are there any recommendations that you can do yourself?

- There is a very important practice, which is very helpful not only to organize the brain, but also to make the right decisions more consciously. This is a conversation with yourself out loud. Why out loud? Because people think at 800 words per minute, and says with a speed of 120 words per minute.

This feature, for example, allows you to listen to me at the same time, look to your questions, and you can hear everything that I say. Because what I say at a rate of 120, and you think at 800, 700, respectively, the remaining words that you are ahead of me in my mind, you can do anything. This feature allows me, listening to the interlocutor in the "Observer" program, at the same time coming up with questions.

So when we think what we think, in our heads going porridge, and in order to organize this mess, we must learn to talk to yourself out loud. This is one of the ways to organize your thoughts - talk to yourself out loud. And do not be afraid of it.

Psihofilosofiya comes from the fact that the ideal man is a baby - he is absolutely sincere, natural man is God's creature. The further a person moves away from the baby, so it becomes more and more social and moves away from God. This is a natural process, it is normal.

However, the younger the child, the more so, if I may say so, divinely what he does. Babies God dictates their behavior (nature, if someone more like it), we - society. And the children are sure to say to yourself out loud. Not with puppets - is by itself, but with themselves. This is a property that is given to man, and it is necessary to use it, and not to forget and not to be ashamed.

- Free email (the same Free writing) can be a kind of conversation with a loud or is it important right pronunciation of

? - You can, of course, to write, but here it is necessary to bear in mind two points. The first is to write more complicated than talking. There are people who can not even express their thoughts, but still they are much less than people who do not know how to articulate what they want to say. Secondly, when we write, consciously or unconsciously, we think that anyone can read it. Even if it is then we throw away, hide, we live in the subconscious mind, it will be read, and therefore, when we write, we are difficult to be sincere than when we are talking about. When we say there is only you, God, and you no one else can hear. Therefore, we must speak out loud, I think so.

- What role, for example, play books in brain health? If you are playing.

- By themselves - no. They can play a role in "brain health", if you think about them again aloud. All the problems that exist in humans, can be divided into essential and urgent. Urgent - "where I will rest," "have time I cook dinner", "Do I have enough money to pay," such topical issues. Essential - "Why do I live", "why do I live with this man," etc.

Typically, the lion's share of our reflections take immediate problems. They are not very develop thinking, because they are not independent from my point of view. As a rule, here we focus on our own experience or the experience of someone else. It is important not to forget to reflect on the essential issues, they teach a person to think independently, it can analyze the different views and make their own, sometimes unexpected conclusions.

Now, if the book is read to, if reading, people think about the essence of his life, the book is very good influence. If a person reads a book as entertainment as leisure activities, which is also fine, but, in my view, the brain is not affected.

- What you are reading now

? - I have a complicated history, as a rule, I read books, which are necessary for work, I read very little fiction. At the moment I'm reading a book Shefali Tsabari "Children - a mirror of our secret self" because writing a book "Children as a mirror," and I read books about children

. I have no books "should read" all the books that I read - that's all I cling. In general, I do not like the word "necessary" and even more so with respect to the books. That book Tsabari just very interesting, she had me hooked.

I read the professional literature, not because I am forced to, but because I have so formed life and my time, I've just read "not serious pedagogy" Korczak moved to this. I read Rollo May, Maslow. As I have said, I had to deal with for a long time and continue to educate themselves psychological. To me it is important, interesting and necessary, but it leaves little time for fiction.

The books sure to make notes, and then rewrite the notes in a special notebook, then sometimes they quote in their books, going back to him.

True, recently I read a very interesting story of Alexandra Kollontai "Vasilisa Malygina". Kollontai - a famous revolutionary, the first woman ambassador of the Soviet Union. But it turned out that it is also an interesting, very peculiar writer, writing love melodrama.

- I, as a novice writer interested to know that you give writing? Why do you write?

- For myself. I do think that the writer is a man who has to write, keeping in mind that he has one reader - himself. All the rest of the people - it's a bonus. If you read more some people, it's amazing. Literature, it seems to me, is all psychotherapeutic activity.

- Writing - it is still work, pleasure or joy - what more? For example, the same Zinser wrote that if you want to write nonfiction, then get ready, it's hard work that few people appreciate.

- It's work. That is the fun and excitement. The story about the fact that the work comes from the word "difficult", I do not understand. I work a lot, sometimes very hard, tomorrow I have recorded three hour programs "Observer" (author's note: Our conversation began at 22.00), then I come home, and I will work on the book "Children as a mirror"
It is not easy, but it is fun and happiness. If the work is not a pleasure for you, then do not do it. Sometimes I get tired. From the book, which is now writing, I'm tired, I want to finish soon, I see imperfection, I painfully I correct her, and never at the same time is not convinced that getting better, but take away from me this ...

I have a friend, a very famous director. He began to complain to his wife that he was tired to make a film. To which she said, "Do not shoot." He said: "How not to shoot?". "Then do not complain." This is quite shocking. This is the correct position. Either works or if it is bad - does not work. And if you work, do not complain.

I do not like it when people start whining. I wrote about 40 books. My life consists of what I am transmitting, somewhere participate, teach, sitting at home on the computer. I do not sit in the companies, not like this. Rarely I go out to the theater, exhibitions. I have no leisure, I work all the time. I can whine "I'm very tired," but I understand that this is the life that gives me pleasure. And, most importantly, I chose it myself.

- I liked the slogan of one of your books: "Life can be delicious if you know how to cook it," it's just about it

? - This is not a slogan, it is the subtitle of my book "Practical psihofilosofiya". It's about psihofilosofiyu. About the fact that if you live consciously, life will be very tasty and interesting.

- In "Life is interesting!" The authors invariably ask the same question and get an entire rainbow of responses: what it means, do you think, to live interesting, and what advice you can give to those who want to make life interesting

? - Find yourself. Only one Recommendation. In all my books on education, describes a system, how to find their calling. Эта система основана на принципе природосоответствия, который придумал и разработал великий педагог Иоганн Генрих Песталоцци. Когда человек находит свое призвание, вопрос «интересно или неинтересно жить» — не стоит.

Такой вопрос стоит у тех, кто относится к работе как к зарабатыванию денег. Они начинают думать о том, как найти себе досуг, как себя развлечь. Люди, которые знают свое призвание, тоже могут очень любить досуг, но интерес к жизни придает то, что ты реализуешь себя. Мне кажется, что это такой Божий промысел, тебя призвали на Землю ради чего-то. Если ты это делаешь, ты это нашёл, то просто такого вопроса нет.

— То есть Вы считаете, что Вы интересно живете?

— У меня нет такого критерия, интересно ли живу. Значит, можно жить неинтересно? Я всю жизнь живу так, как я живу. С тех пор, как я окончил школу и поступил на вечернее отделение журфака и стал работать, она принципиально не меняется. Меняется количество работы, род занятий, но я всё время так живу.

Знаете, эту историю про сороконожку, которая упала, когда её спросили, с какой ноги она начинает ходить. Что касается моей творческой жизни, я всегда жил так, как хочется, и мне удавалось получать за это какие-то деньги. Поэтому я никогда не был богатым человеком, никогда в жизни. Три года назад первый раз купил машину не в рассрочку. Я не имею возможности купить квартиру, загородный дом, но с другой стороны — я никогда не бедствовал. При этом я всегда занимаюсь тем, чем нравится.

Автор: Наталья Пенкина


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