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Being a villain is not a bad choice for a career.
Being a villain is not a bad choice for a career. This is well paid, there are many small nice things and you can choose your own working time. However, every Evil Lord I have read about in books or seen in movies, every moment is lost and destroyed. I have noticed that it doesn’t matter whether they command warvars or wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they make the same simple mistakes every time. With that in mind, I am happy to present you...
The Code of the Evil Lord
My Legions of Death will have helmets with transparent Plexiglas brooms, not full-face helmets.
Ventilation shafts will be too small to climb.
My noble brother, whose throne I have usurped, will be killed immediately, and not secretly imprisoned in the abandoned chamber of my dungeon.
For my enemies, it is enough.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept in the Mountains of Despair beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It'll be in my safe. The same is true of the problem, which is my weak spot.
I will not malign my enemies before I kill them.
When I grab my enemy and he says, "Hey, before you kill me, tell me what you're up to?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. No, I'd rather shoot him and say "No."
After I kidnap a beautiful princess, we will immediately marry in a modest civil ceremony, not in a grand spectacle three weeks later, during which the final phase of my plans will be postponed.
I will not create self-destruction mechanisms without the need to. If this is necessary, it will not be a big red button with the words “Danger!” Don't hit! Such an inscription will be on a button that includes a machine gun aimed at the presser. Similarly, the switch “On” will not be so specifically marked.
I will not make any negotiations with enemies in the holy of holies of my fortress. A small hotel somewhere on the window of my property is enough.
I'll be careful with my superiority. I will not prove it by leaving clues to victory in the form of riddles or by leaving the weakest opponents alive, showing that they are incapable of revenge.
One of my advisers will be a five-year-old. Any mistakes in my plans he notices will be corrected immediately.
The bodies of my warred opponents will be burned, or they will be released in several clips, they will not be thrown to die at the foot of the rock. All announcements of their death, as well as the corresponding celebrations, will be postponed until the above-mentioned procedures have been completed.
Heroes will not be allowed a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I'll never use a digitized countdown device. If I find that such a thing is inevitable, it will be set to 117 when the hero is still making plans.
I will never say, “Before I kill you, I want to know one thing.”
If I take counsellors, I will sometimes listen to their advice.
I'm not having a son. Although his weak attempts to seize power will fail, it will distract attention at a critical moment in time.
I'm not having a daughter. She will be as beautiful as she is evil, but if she looks at the hero, she will betray her own father.
Notwithstanding the effect, I will not laugh maniacally. It is very easy to miss some important moment, which is easily noticed by a more attentive and calm person.
I'll hire a talented couturier to use the uniform for my Legions of Death so they don't have cheap clothes that look like Nazi troopers, Roman infantrymen or wild Mongolian hordes. All of them have been turned, and I do not want such a disturbance in my army.
No matter how much power I have over unbounded energy, I will not create a force field bigger than my head.
I will store a special stockpile of simple weapons and train my warriors in their use. Then, if the enemies deplete the source of energy and the usual weapons become useless, my warriors will not be bent by a bunch of savages with spears and stones.
I will evaluate my strengths and weaknesses. Although this will reduce the pleasure, I do not have to shout: “This can not be!” I will not be defeated (as you know, death is inevitable).
No matter how tempting it is, I will not build any truly indestructible machines that have one virtually inaccessible weakness.
No matter how lovable some rebels are, there will always be someone equally lovable, but not willing to kill me. You should think twice before you invite a prisoner into my bedroom.
I'm never going to build anything important in one sample. All important systems will have spare control panels and power supplies. For the same reason, I will always have two sets of fully loaded weapons with me.
My hand monster will sit in a safe cage from which he cannot escape, and which I cannot trip over.
I will dress in bright and bright colors to embarrass enemies.
All the raging sorcerers, the clumsy landlords, the voiceless bards and the cowardly thieves in the country will be put to death. My enemies will certainly abandon their plans if they have no one to laugh at.
All naive and voracious waitresses in taverns will be replaced by the sullen and tired of life, so that the hero does not have an unexpected underpin or romantic history.
I will not go into a rage and kill a messenger who has brought bad news just to show what a scoundrel I am. Good messengers are hard to find.
I don't need high-ranking women in my organization to wear all sorts of spectacular clothes. Moral is better if the clothes are normal. Black leather suits should also be reserved for official occasions.
I'm not turning into a snake. It never helps.
I'm not gonna grow a goat's beard. In the old days it looked like a devil, now it resembles some dissatisfied intellectual.
I will not put people from one place to the same chamber or prison block. If they're very important Persons, the only key to their chamber will be mine, and there won't be any copies of it in any prison.
If one of my trusted people reports that my Legions of Death have lost their fight, I will believe him. After all, he's a reliable man.
If the enemy I have just killed has young relatives or offspring, I will find and kill them immediately, and I will not wait until they grow up and accumulate anger.
If I really need to go into battle, I certainly will not go ahead of my army. Nor will I look for a worthy opponent among enemies.
I will not reign. If I have an irresistible weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible, rather than waiting until the last minute.
As soon as my power is secure, I will destroy these stupid time machines.
When I catch a hero, I will also catch his dog, monkey, parrot or other of his cute little beast, capable of tying ropes or carrying keys if she remains free.
I will have a healthy skepticism when I catch a pretty rebel and she declares that she admires my power and appearance, and that she will gladly betray her friends if I include her in my plans.
I will only hire bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for pleasure often do stupid things like give the victim a chance to escape.
I will have a clear picture of who is responsible for what in my organization. If one of my generals gets hit, I won't pick up a gun, point at it, say, "Here's the price of a mistake," and then suddenly turn around and shoot some small biscuit.
If the adviser says to me, Monsignor, he's just a man. “What can one man do?” I’ll say, “That’s what!” and kill the adviser.
If I find out that a young green boy has begun his hunt for me, I will destroy him while he is a young green boy, and I will not wait for him to rise.
I will care for any beast that I control with magic or technology, with love and attention. Then if I lose my power over him, he won't take revenge immediately.
If I find out the whereabouts of an artifact that could destroy me, I will not send all my troops for it. I'll send them for something else, and I'll quietly announce the purchase in the local newspaper.
My main computers will have a special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard laptops from IBM or Apple.
If one of the guards of my dungeon begins to express concern about the conditions in the princess' chamber, I will immediately send him to protect the deserted place.
I will hire a team of professional architects and experts to examine my castle for any secret passages and abandoned tunnels I do not know about.
If a beautiful princess captured by me says, "I will never marry you!" Never, you hear, NEVER!!!, I'll say, "Okay..." and I'll kill her.
I'm not gonna make a deal with a demon just to get her out of principle.
Ugly mutants and paranormal beings will take their place in my Legions of Death. But before I send them on clandestine missions or on reconnaissance, I will try to find someone who, with the same skills and abilities, looks more common.
My Legions of Death will be trained in sharp shoots. Everyone who can learn to hit the target with a glance at a person from ten meters is subject to training.
Before using any captured device, I will carefully read the installation.
If there is a need to escape, I will not stop, stand in a spectacular pose and say clever phrases.
I will never build a computer smarter than myself.
My five-year adviser will also try to crack any ciphers I intend to use. If it does this in 30 seconds, the chip will not be used. It's the same with bullets.
If my advisors ask, “Why are you risking everyone over this crazy plan?” I won’t start an operation until I have a satisfactory answer.
I will arrange the passages in the fortress so that there are no niches or protrusions behind which you can hide from the arrows.
Garbage will be burned, not sprayed. And the incinerators will work constantly so that there is no such nonsense as the tunnels accessible to all, through which the flames are regularly spread.
I will have a professional psychiatrist who will treat me from all sorts of unusual phobias and abnormal behavior that may interfere with my plans.
If I have a computer system with public terminals, there will be a place on the maps of my complex that is directly designated "General Headquarters." This place will be the Execution Room. The present headquarters will be marked "Dumping of sewage."
Digital locks will be equipped with a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who tries to type the code after watching it will turn on the alarm.
It doesn't matter how many short circuits there are in the system, but any incorrectness of my camera will be considered a threesome.
I'll reward anyone who's ever saved my life. It is necessary to inspire others to such a feat. However, the reward will be given only one time. If he wants me to rob him again, he can save my life again.
All private midwives will be expelled from the country. All children will be born in public hospitals. Orphans will be placed in preyuts, not thrown in the forest, where they can grow wild animals.
When my guards start looking for those in the crimson, they're always going to be walking the edge of two. They will be trained so that when the mysterious disappearance of one second will immediately raise the alarm and cause the prick, and not look around surprised.
If I decide to believe the lieutenant's loyalty, I'll have a team of shooters ready in case he doesn't pass the test.
If all the heroes stand together with a strange device and begin to threaten me, I will use the usual weapon, and will not use against them my invincible matrimony.
I will not agree to let heroes go if they win the competition, even if my advisers say they cannot win it.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan, made in such a way that even my five-year advisor can understand it, I won’t tag The Lord’s Project or leave it on my desk.
I will order the hero to be attacked with all his troops, instead of waiting for him to fight one or two soldiers.
If the hero is on the roof of my castle, I will not try to throw him down. Nor will I fight him on the edge of a cliff. (The fight on the middle of the rope bridge over the lava is also not part of my plans.)
If I go mad for a moment and assume the position of my trusted lieutenant as a hero, I will have enough reason to give it to him when my former trustee is beyond hearing.
I will not command my Legions of Death, “And he must be taken alive.” I will say, “And try to take him alive if the opportunity arises. ?
If my Doomsday Weapon has a switch, I will have this switch melted into commemorative medals.
If my weakest brat can't destroy the hero, I'm going to send my best brat there, and I'm not going to send more and more of them to him as he moves to the fortress.
When I fight a hero on the roof of a moving car, I lay him down and get ready to finish him off, and he will quickly look behind my back and fall with his face, I too will fall with my face, and not turn around and see what he saw there.
I will not shoot at enemies if they stand before the main pillar of a heavy, dangerous, unstable structure.
If I have dinner with a hero, put poison in his glass, and go away for some reason, upon return, I will order new drinks for both of us, so as not to guess whether he changed his glasses or not.
I won't have one-sex arrestees protected by the opposite sex.
I will not use a plan in which the last step will be very difficult, such as "Connect the 12 Power Stones on the sacred altar, and activate the medallion in the moment of total eclipse." Rather, it will be something like "Push the button."
I will be sure that my Doomsday Weapons are working and well grounded.
My containers of dangerous chemicals will be closed when they are not needed. And I will not build bridges over them.
If a group of my henchmen performs the task, I will not curse them and send the same group to this task again.
After I have captured the hero's supremacy, I will not immediately release the troops and weaken the guards, thinking that the man with the weapon is invincible. In between, I took it from a hero!
I will design the General Staff so that the door is visible from every working place.
I will not ignore the messenger by making him wait for the end of my treatment. Perhaps he brought important news.
If I talk to a hero on the phone, I won't intimidate him. Naoborot, I will say that his tenacity and perseverance have given me a new vision of the meaninglessness of my path to evil, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of meditation, I will return to the right path. (Heroes are extremely trusting in this sense.)
If I'm planning a double execution, a hero and a petty biscuit who betrayed me, I'll get him executed first.
With the prisoners in custody, my guard won't let them stop and pick up some pranks for romantic reasons.
There will be a team of qualified medics and their bodyguards in my dungeon. In such a case, if the prisoner becomes ill and his neighbor calls for help, the guard will call the medics, and will not open the chamber and come to see.
The mechanism of the doors will be designed so that the destruction of the control panel of the equipment would seal the door, and from the inside it would open, not open.
In the chambers of my dungeon there will be no marks with mirror twists, and from which ropes could be made.
If an attractive young couple comes to my country, I will be watching them closely. If they are tender to each other and happy, I will ignore them. But if it turns out that circumstances have rallied them against their desires, and that they spend most of their time fighting and criticizing each other, except when they save each other's life (and only if there are hints of warm relations), I will immediately demand their executions.
Any important files will be measured at least 1.45 megabytes.
Finally, if I want to enter my victims from a permanent state of transit, I will give them unlimited access to the Internet.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the heir who planned to overthrow me, I will do it myself.
I will not waste my time making the death of my enemy an accident. I have no one to answer, and still no one will believe.
I will make it clear that I am familiar with the word “mercy.” I'm just not gonna whip him.
My secret agents will not have tattoos marking them as members of my organization. They also do not need to wear army boots or any other piece of clothing.
I will build all the weapons of the end of the world myself. If I need to hire a mad scientist as an assistant, I will make sure that he is evil enough to never go out of the way of evil and begin to repair the damage he has done.
If my central command post is attacked, I will immediately dive into a pre-prepared rescue shuttle and lead the defenses from there. I will not wait for enemies to break into my inner chambers.
Although I intend to live forever, I will still hire engineers who will be able to build a strong enough citadel so that it will not fall to the ground immediately after my death for no structural reason.
Any magic and/or technology that miraculously resurrects a minor character who voluntarily sacrifices his life will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that brave young men, in strange robes and with a foreign accent, regularly climb the monument in the main square of my capital and from there threaten me, demand to reveal the secrets of my power, call the people to revolt, etc. So the townspeople will get bored long before it gets to the point.
I will not use complex schemes that will allow the hero’s team to get to my inner chambers before the trap closes.
All oracles will be offered a choice: work for me or execution.
I will not rely on "absolutely reliable" spells if they can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
The main gate of my citadel will be of standard size. Of course, the carefully constructed double doors 60 feet high are impressive in their massiveness, but in case of danger, they are difficult to close quickly.
I won't accept a hero's challenge.
I will not fight a hero until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I'll leave it at the landing site with a deflated ladder, a few symbolic guards and a ton of explosives that will go off immediately after being removed from the explosion.
No matter how much I crave revenge, I will never command subordinates to "Leave him alone!" It's mine!
If I have important equipment, it won't be activated by a lever that someone might accidentally turn on by falling fatally wounded on it.
I will not try to kill a hero by throwing a poisonous creature into his cell. It will end up by mistake killing one of my clumsy minions.
Nothing is more annoying than a hero who wins using simple arithmetic. Therefore, all my personal weapons will be modified to give one shot more than the standard models.
If I come across an artifact that only a pure heart can use, I will not try to use it. It's pointless.
The gun turrets in my fortress will not turn to shoot inwards or at each other.
If I decide to arrange a competition in any skill available to the public, all participants will be required to remove their capes and shave.
Before I kidnap an old scientist and make him work for me, I'll make sure he doesn't have a naive, beautiful daughter willing to risk anything for Daddy, or an escaped son who worked in the same field but fell in love with his father years ago.
If I suddenly decide to kill the hero in a safe escape room-trapped (water pours out, sand pours out, walls move, etc.), I will not leave him five or ten minutes before the “inevitable” death. I will find a good observation post or a video camera with a monitor to lean around and enjoy the sight of the death of the enemy.
It is preferable to have more than one rescue shuttle that the hero can easily find. I'd rather run a few dozen sets to throw him off the trail.
The jailers will have their own diner with a wide selection of goodies and deliver them to those on duty. The guards will also be warned that food or water from any other source will be punished.
I will not use robots as saboteurs if there is some way to reprogram them, or if their batteries are placed outside and can be retrieved.
The irony is delightful, but I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
In my Legions of Fear will be wearing professionally fitted uniforms. Even if the hero knocks out one of the soldiers, a poorly seated uniform will instantly betray him.
I will never leave the key to the cell just outside the prisoner's reach.
Before I offer anyone the post of trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough examination and security check.
If I find that my beautiful wife with access to my citadel has anything to do with a hero, I will execute her. It is regrettable, but it is easier to find a new spouse than a new citadel, and perhaps the next one will pay attention to general orientation meetings.
If I'm running away in a big truck and a hero is chasing me in a small Italian sports car, I won't wait for him to come up to me to try to throw him off the road while he's pushing forward. I'll just hit the brakes as soon as he's right behind me. (A knowledge of physics can sometimes prove useful.)
My Doomsday weapon will be equipped with a high-tech device called a battery in case someone quietly knocks out the voltage at the last second. (If I have access to VERY high technology, I will also install a backup device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I'll just remember which wires to cut to deactivate, and I'll make all the wires red.
Before spending funds on giant gargoyles, Gothic arches and other cosmetic architectural delights, I will check if there are any worthwhile military expenditures that can use the extra budget.
The passages leading to and from my citadel will be carefully illuminated by daylight lamps. Of course, the atmosphere of terror will disappear without a trace, but security patrols will be more effective.
If I’m sitting in a camp, hear the crunch of branches, start looking around and notice a little animal, I’ll still send out a couple of scouts – just to check, for safety’s sake. (If they disappear in the wilds, I will not send another patrol - I will strike with napalm.)
I will instruct the guards to look for a night pot before entering a stone that looks empty. If he's there, the prisoner escaped and we can go in and look for traces. If there is no night pot, the prisoner either climbed up to the ceiling to slap it over the head of the incoming person, or escaped and took the night pot with him as a souvenir (in this case he is definitely deeply obsessed and poses no danger); in any case, there is no need to enter.
The alternative to not having children: I will have many children. My sons will be too busy chasing for position to ever pose a real threat, and the daughters will stage sabotage, preventing each other from gaining the hero's attention.
If I have children and grandchildren, I will always keep my three-year-old granddaughter with me. If a hero comes in intending to kill me, I will ask him first to explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandfather. When the hero embarks on moral explanations that are too abstruse for her, it will be a sign for her to press a button and send the hero to a pit with crocodiles. After all, young children love crocodiles almost as much as the Evil Lords. It is important to give enough time to your grandchildren.
If one of my daughters does win the hero's attention and openly rebels against me, I will congratulate her on her good choice, proclaim a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and appoint the hero as my heir. Maybe that’s enough to break up their relationship. If not, at least I'm sure no hero attacks the Legions of Fear when they parade in his honor.
I'll order the soldiers to line up when they shoot the hero so he can't deflect and make them kill each other. Some will also be ordered to aim higher, lower and to the sides so that he does not jump off the firing line.
The design of my dungeons will not include unclosed pipes. They certainly add to the atmosphere of terror, but they are good conductors of vibrations, and many captives know Morse code.
If my observers report the presence of abandoned or seemingly innocent ships where they are not supposed to be, these ships will be destroyed immediately, not captured as spoils.
I will divide my lieutenants into three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. The third category is assigned posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device that is designed to stop me and which in principle cannot work, I will still get a copy of the scheme and make sure that it really cannot work in principle.
Ropes holding various furniture will not be fixed near window openings or stairs, and candelabras will hang directly under the ceiling.
I will provide funding and development to build tactical and strategic weapons with a broad target range so that my choices are not limited to hand-to-hand swords and planet explosions.
I will not claim to be a god. This dangerous post is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will point out to my fashion designer that the bulletproof vest fits any kind of clothing.
Anyone can enter my Legions of Fear. However, if it is predicted that no man will prevail against me, I will consider increasing the quota for non-traditional races.
I will instruct the Legions of Fear on the proper search technique. In general, if they're looking for fugitives and someone shouts "Hurry up!" They ran there!, they must verify the identity of a useful informant before rushing into the chase headlong.
If I find out that there is a hero nearby, I will not, under any circumstances, kill his teachers, mentors and/or best friends.
If I catch a hero and his crew, I won't wait for my Super Weapon to reload and kill them if conventional means are available.
All calendar plans will be marked three days after the actual completion date. I won't worry too much if they get stolen.
I'll change the tags on my top-secret file and my family recipe folder. Imagine the surprise of a hero who decoded a secret plan and discovered a recipe for Grandma Potato Salad.
If, breaking into the rebel headquarters, I find empty rooms and a strange, flashing device, I will not wander around and explore; I will rush from there to hell.
Before enrolling in my Legions of Fear, every recruit must undergo medical tests for peripheral vision and hearing, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown for distraction.
I will change my daily routine and not let life become a routine. For example, I won’t always sip wine or hit a giant gong before killing an enemy.
If I steal something important to the hero, I won't put it on public display.
In planning the expedition, I will choose a route for my troops that will not pass through dense thickets near the rebel camp.
I'll hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, drug him with disinformation and send him to arrest a hero.
As an advocate of equality, I will use a few tight-eared bodyguards. Then if I need to speak to anyone in confidence, I'll just turn my back so the guards don't read their lips, rather than order them to leave the room.
If the rebels manage to fool me, I'll remember how they did it so they wouldn't fall for the same trick over and over again.
If I need a computer scientist, and I have to choose between a brilliant programmer, the head of the world's greatest technology concern, and a fifteen-year-old idiot trying to impress the girl of his dreams, I'll take a sucker and leave the hero to negotiate with a genius.
I will plan ahead what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. Then I will never have to order anyone to be tied up while I decide their fate.
If I have a large computer system, I will take at least the same precautions as small business people and include things like antiviruses and firewalls.
As a despot who believes in equality, I will see to it that horror and oppression are distributed evenly, rather than directed to one select group that will form the backbone of rebellion.
I'm not going to have a base in a volcano, a cave, or any other place where you can ridiculously just fool security by sliding down.
I'll let the guards work on flexible schedules. If someone feels tired, they can call a shifter, check in, go take a nap and come back refreshed to finish their shift.
Although it is disappointing, I will not admit to the hero’s opponent that I did the heinous deed for which he blames the hero.
If I'm hanging over the abyss, and the hero reaches out to me, I won't try to drag him down with me. I'll let him save me, thank me properly, then return to my safe citadel and order his execution.
There will be regular exorcisms in my citadel. Although ghosts in dungeons give an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to give out valuable information when they are peaceful.
I'll add indelible paint to the water ditch. It won't interfere with a swimmer, but even a stupid guard can tell the difference between someone who got in this way.
If a scientist who has a beautiful unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I'll offer to pay for her future wedding and college tuition.
If I put a hero in a corner and I'm ready to kill him and he says, "Look behind me!", I won't laugh, "Do you expect me to fall for that old trick?" I will take a step to the side and thus hold the weapon pointed at it and be able to turn around a little and look back. If anything was directed at me, now it is directed at him.
I will be documenting hidden functions.
If I ever build a device that transmits a hero's energy to me, I'll make sure he doesn't have any feedback.
I will decree that all hay be transported in tightly packed bales. Any cart with untied hay trying to pass through the guard post will be shot and burned.
I will not hold any public celebrations within the walls of my castle. Any event open to the public will take place down the road, in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device that pumps energy into my body, I will install an emission suppressor.
I'll hire an acting teacher. He would think he was wrong to hear my Minnesota accent (if everyone speaks American) or Cornwall (if they speak English).
If I catch an enemy known for his escapes with fantastically ingenious little devices, I will have him thoroughly searched and confiscated all his personal belongings before being thrown into the dungeon.
I will not develop schemes in which part A is to deceive the hero in order to unwittingly assist me, and part B is to mock him and leave him to his own cares.
I won't have feasts during the plague. Good relations with guests do not compensate for bad relations with the masses.
Part of my illegal income is invested in the city. Although slums give a spicy and pleasant color to any city, they too often come across unexpected allies for the hero.
I'll never say to a hero, "Yes, I did it, but you can't prove anything to that stupid, talentless ass." There's a chance a stupid, talentless donkey is behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/magician says he's almost perfected my Super Weapon but needs to do some tests, I'll wait until he finishes his check. No one has conquered the world using beta.
I will not include a relative on my board. Nepotism greatly interferes with management and leads to clashes with the trade union.
I’m not going to tell my potential spouse that I’d rather have a younger, more attractive woman.
If I use the hero's girlfriend as a hostage, and I hold her on the edge of instant death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her, not him. He will not try to do anything while his true love is held hostage. On the other hand, her weakness, stupidity, naïveté and utter futility up to this time have nothing to do with her actions in the moments of dramatic denouement.
I'll make some fake maps of secret passageways to my citadel and hire travelers to deposit them with old hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Using them as a human shield is a waste of material.
I'll hire a master shooter and put it at the entrance to my citadel. His job will be to shoot anyone who comes to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Fear that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who throws a sword at a hero or stuns him with his butt will be executed on the spot.
I will remember that I have to learn about all my vulnerabilities. I will also remember that no one else should know.
I will not make alliances with those who are stronger than me. They'll stab me in the back at my triumph. I would rather make an alliance with those who are weaker than me and stab them in the back at the moment of their triumph.
In peacetime, my Legions of Fear will not be allowed to lie down, drink honey or eat fried pork. They will be instructed to obey my nutritionist and aerobics instructor.
All the giant snakes guarding my underground lakes will be given goggles to prevent vision damage.
Any old hag with prophetic powers will be provided free of charge with the services of beauticians, hairdressers, manicures and wardrobe from Donna Karan. This should undermine their credibility.
I won't hire an evil wizard with a thin mustache.
I'll hire a squad of blind guards. This will confirm that everyone is equal for me, and most importantly, there will be someone to manage the hero when he is invisible or cut off the light.
All repairs will be carried out by the internal repair service. All suspicious “repairmen” who appeared in the citadel will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Fear park the scooters to conduct a walking reconnaissance, they will be instructed to turn on the control lock.
Employees will have personal trailers for the newlyweds, which they are free to use, calling a shift and marking off at the exit. With this in mind, anyone caught having sex in a closet and leaving a post unattended will be shot.
Members of my Legions of Fear will be attending group therapy sessions. It is useful for them to treat the population politely and courteously, when they do not have to bring chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a treacherous, treacherous witch, if only because it is absolutely hopeless to perpetuate the line of my family. However, we can have a great time together.
Guest rooms will be packed with bugs and hidden cameras so that I can keep an eye on what those I have given access to my citadel are actually doing.
If my chief engineer disappoints me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in a dungeon or outside the traps he helped develop.
I will not send battalions of robots or skeletons against heroes who have prejudices about killing living things.
I will not wear long heavy cloaks. They are certainly always in high fashion, but they have an annoying tendency to get pinched with doors or turn under their feet while fleeing.
If an evil deity demands a certain quality of sacrifice, I will check whether the sacrifice possesses this quality immediately before the sacrifice, without relying on earlier research. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is girlfriend)
hero.
If I ever need a digital indicator for a Doomsday weapon, I'll buy one that doesn't have quantum mechanical anomalies. Many of the samples on the market count down the time when you look directly at them, but if you turn away and walk away for a few minutes, they will show that only a few seconds have passed.
If my Legions of Fear are defeated in battle, I will quietly retreat and regroup the troops, rather than sending random men to sew a hero.
If the key to the hero's chains is around my neck, and his ex-girlfriend has voluntarily gone to me, and we're alone in my bedroom, and she offers me a glass of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I won't pick up a shining ancient artifact and shout "His power is now mine!!!" I'll take the forceps, put it in a container for dangerous equipment and send it to my lab for study.
I'm going to pick the killers carefully. Anyone who tries to get ahead of the hero, rather than waiting for him to turn his back, is not even considered a candidate.
Whatever my only vulnerability is, I will invent something else. For example, I would order all the mirrors to be removed from the palace, I would scream and tremble when someone accidentally takes out a mirror, etc. In a moment of dramatic denouement, when the hero pulls a mirror out of his sleeve and sticks it in my face, my reaction will be, "Hmm... it would be nice to shave." ?
My force field generators will fit inside this field.
I reserve the right to execute any subordinate who appears too intelligent, strong, or freedom-loving. However, if I do, I will have no reason to say, “Why are these stupid idiots around me?”
There will be a fire extinguisher in every room. Three if there are life support systems or volatile chemicals.
I will use equipment that, when overloaded, simply breaks down, rather than exploding with the attendants or, worse, triggers a chain reaction. I'm going to do that using an emission suppressor device.
I'll explain to the guards that they have eyes in front of them, so when you're ordered to find someone, there's no point in pulling out a weapon and walking slowly down the hall.
I'll have a team of experienced detectives on hand. If I find out that someone is working against me in a village, I will send them to find out who it is, and I will not sweep away the whole village with a preemptive strike.
I'll never trap a real bait.
If the hero says he wants to confess publicly or personally to me, I will remind him that written testimony has equal force.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set them to fire simultaneously, not to launch the next one if the previous one fails.
I will not delay a ritual that grants immortality.
All magical creatures will be instructed to ask the visitor for the name, purpose of the visit, and permission, rather than the answer to an ancient mystery.
The Code of the Evil Lord
My Legions of Death will have helmets with transparent Plexiglas brooms, not full-face helmets.
Ventilation shafts will be too small to climb.
My noble brother, whose throne I have usurped, will be killed immediately, and not secretly imprisoned in the abandoned chamber of my dungeon.
For my enemies, it is enough.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept in the Mountains of Despair beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It'll be in my safe. The same is true of the problem, which is my weak spot.
I will not malign my enemies before I kill them.
When I grab my enemy and he says, "Hey, before you kill me, tell me what you're up to?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. No, I'd rather shoot him and say "No."
After I kidnap a beautiful princess, we will immediately marry in a modest civil ceremony, not in a grand spectacle three weeks later, during which the final phase of my plans will be postponed.
I will not create self-destruction mechanisms without the need to. If this is necessary, it will not be a big red button with the words “Danger!” Don't hit! Such an inscription will be on a button that includes a machine gun aimed at the presser. Similarly, the switch “On” will not be so specifically marked.
I will not make any negotiations with enemies in the holy of holies of my fortress. A small hotel somewhere on the window of my property is enough.
I'll be careful with my superiority. I will not prove it by leaving clues to victory in the form of riddles or by leaving the weakest opponents alive, showing that they are incapable of revenge.
One of my advisers will be a five-year-old. Any mistakes in my plans he notices will be corrected immediately.
The bodies of my warred opponents will be burned, or they will be released in several clips, they will not be thrown to die at the foot of the rock. All announcements of their death, as well as the corresponding celebrations, will be postponed until the above-mentioned procedures have been completed.
Heroes will not be allowed a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I'll never use a digitized countdown device. If I find that such a thing is inevitable, it will be set to 117 when the hero is still making plans.
I will never say, “Before I kill you, I want to know one thing.”
If I take counsellors, I will sometimes listen to their advice.
I'm not having a son. Although his weak attempts to seize power will fail, it will distract attention at a critical moment in time.
I'm not having a daughter. She will be as beautiful as she is evil, but if she looks at the hero, she will betray her own father.
Notwithstanding the effect, I will not laugh maniacally. It is very easy to miss some important moment, which is easily noticed by a more attentive and calm person.
I'll hire a talented couturier to use the uniform for my Legions of Death so they don't have cheap clothes that look like Nazi troopers, Roman infantrymen or wild Mongolian hordes. All of them have been turned, and I do not want such a disturbance in my army.
No matter how much power I have over unbounded energy, I will not create a force field bigger than my head.
I will store a special stockpile of simple weapons and train my warriors in their use. Then, if the enemies deplete the source of energy and the usual weapons become useless, my warriors will not be bent by a bunch of savages with spears and stones.
I will evaluate my strengths and weaknesses. Although this will reduce the pleasure, I do not have to shout: “This can not be!” I will not be defeated (as you know, death is inevitable).
No matter how tempting it is, I will not build any truly indestructible machines that have one virtually inaccessible weakness.
No matter how lovable some rebels are, there will always be someone equally lovable, but not willing to kill me. You should think twice before you invite a prisoner into my bedroom.
I'm never going to build anything important in one sample. All important systems will have spare control panels and power supplies. For the same reason, I will always have two sets of fully loaded weapons with me.
My hand monster will sit in a safe cage from which he cannot escape, and which I cannot trip over.
I will dress in bright and bright colors to embarrass enemies.
All the raging sorcerers, the clumsy landlords, the voiceless bards and the cowardly thieves in the country will be put to death. My enemies will certainly abandon their plans if they have no one to laugh at.
All naive and voracious waitresses in taverns will be replaced by the sullen and tired of life, so that the hero does not have an unexpected underpin or romantic history.
I will not go into a rage and kill a messenger who has brought bad news just to show what a scoundrel I am. Good messengers are hard to find.
I don't need high-ranking women in my organization to wear all sorts of spectacular clothes. Moral is better if the clothes are normal. Black leather suits should also be reserved for official occasions.
I'm not turning into a snake. It never helps.
I'm not gonna grow a goat's beard. In the old days it looked like a devil, now it resembles some dissatisfied intellectual.
I will not put people from one place to the same chamber or prison block. If they're very important Persons, the only key to their chamber will be mine, and there won't be any copies of it in any prison.
If one of my trusted people reports that my Legions of Death have lost their fight, I will believe him. After all, he's a reliable man.
If the enemy I have just killed has young relatives or offspring, I will find and kill them immediately, and I will not wait until they grow up and accumulate anger.
If I really need to go into battle, I certainly will not go ahead of my army. Nor will I look for a worthy opponent among enemies.
I will not reign. If I have an irresistible weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible, rather than waiting until the last minute.
As soon as my power is secure, I will destroy these stupid time machines.
When I catch a hero, I will also catch his dog, monkey, parrot or other of his cute little beast, capable of tying ropes or carrying keys if she remains free.
I will have a healthy skepticism when I catch a pretty rebel and she declares that she admires my power and appearance, and that she will gladly betray her friends if I include her in my plans.
I will only hire bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for pleasure often do stupid things like give the victim a chance to escape.
I will have a clear picture of who is responsible for what in my organization. If one of my generals gets hit, I won't pick up a gun, point at it, say, "Here's the price of a mistake," and then suddenly turn around and shoot some small biscuit.
If the adviser says to me, Monsignor, he's just a man. “What can one man do?” I’ll say, “That’s what!” and kill the adviser.
If I find out that a young green boy has begun his hunt for me, I will destroy him while he is a young green boy, and I will not wait for him to rise.
I will care for any beast that I control with magic or technology, with love and attention. Then if I lose my power over him, he won't take revenge immediately.
If I find out the whereabouts of an artifact that could destroy me, I will not send all my troops for it. I'll send them for something else, and I'll quietly announce the purchase in the local newspaper.
My main computers will have a special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard laptops from IBM or Apple.
If one of the guards of my dungeon begins to express concern about the conditions in the princess' chamber, I will immediately send him to protect the deserted place.
I will hire a team of professional architects and experts to examine my castle for any secret passages and abandoned tunnels I do not know about.
If a beautiful princess captured by me says, "I will never marry you!" Never, you hear, NEVER!!!, I'll say, "Okay..." and I'll kill her.
I'm not gonna make a deal with a demon just to get her out of principle.
Ugly mutants and paranormal beings will take their place in my Legions of Death. But before I send them on clandestine missions or on reconnaissance, I will try to find someone who, with the same skills and abilities, looks more common.
My Legions of Death will be trained in sharp shoots. Everyone who can learn to hit the target with a glance at a person from ten meters is subject to training.
Before using any captured device, I will carefully read the installation.
If there is a need to escape, I will not stop, stand in a spectacular pose and say clever phrases.
I will never build a computer smarter than myself.
My five-year adviser will also try to crack any ciphers I intend to use. If it does this in 30 seconds, the chip will not be used. It's the same with bullets.
If my advisors ask, “Why are you risking everyone over this crazy plan?” I won’t start an operation until I have a satisfactory answer.
I will arrange the passages in the fortress so that there are no niches or protrusions behind which you can hide from the arrows.
Garbage will be burned, not sprayed. And the incinerators will work constantly so that there is no such nonsense as the tunnels accessible to all, through which the flames are regularly spread.
I will have a professional psychiatrist who will treat me from all sorts of unusual phobias and abnormal behavior that may interfere with my plans.
If I have a computer system with public terminals, there will be a place on the maps of my complex that is directly designated "General Headquarters." This place will be the Execution Room. The present headquarters will be marked "Dumping of sewage."
Digital locks will be equipped with a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who tries to type the code after watching it will turn on the alarm.
It doesn't matter how many short circuits there are in the system, but any incorrectness of my camera will be considered a threesome.
I'll reward anyone who's ever saved my life. It is necessary to inspire others to such a feat. However, the reward will be given only one time. If he wants me to rob him again, he can save my life again.
All private midwives will be expelled from the country. All children will be born in public hospitals. Orphans will be placed in preyuts, not thrown in the forest, where they can grow wild animals.
When my guards start looking for those in the crimson, they're always going to be walking the edge of two. They will be trained so that when the mysterious disappearance of one second will immediately raise the alarm and cause the prick, and not look around surprised.
If I decide to believe the lieutenant's loyalty, I'll have a team of shooters ready in case he doesn't pass the test.
If all the heroes stand together with a strange device and begin to threaten me, I will use the usual weapon, and will not use against them my invincible matrimony.
I will not agree to let heroes go if they win the competition, even if my advisers say they cannot win it.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan, made in such a way that even my five-year advisor can understand it, I won’t tag The Lord’s Project or leave it on my desk.
I will order the hero to be attacked with all his troops, instead of waiting for him to fight one or two soldiers.
If the hero is on the roof of my castle, I will not try to throw him down. Nor will I fight him on the edge of a cliff. (The fight on the middle of the rope bridge over the lava is also not part of my plans.)
If I go mad for a moment and assume the position of my trusted lieutenant as a hero, I will have enough reason to give it to him when my former trustee is beyond hearing.
I will not command my Legions of Death, “And he must be taken alive.” I will say, “And try to take him alive if the opportunity arises. ?
If my Doomsday Weapon has a switch, I will have this switch melted into commemorative medals.
If my weakest brat can't destroy the hero, I'm going to send my best brat there, and I'm not going to send more and more of them to him as he moves to the fortress.
When I fight a hero on the roof of a moving car, I lay him down and get ready to finish him off, and he will quickly look behind my back and fall with his face, I too will fall with my face, and not turn around and see what he saw there.
I will not shoot at enemies if they stand before the main pillar of a heavy, dangerous, unstable structure.
If I have dinner with a hero, put poison in his glass, and go away for some reason, upon return, I will order new drinks for both of us, so as not to guess whether he changed his glasses or not.
I won't have one-sex arrestees protected by the opposite sex.
I will not use a plan in which the last step will be very difficult, such as "Connect the 12 Power Stones on the sacred altar, and activate the medallion in the moment of total eclipse." Rather, it will be something like "Push the button."
I will be sure that my Doomsday Weapons are working and well grounded.
My containers of dangerous chemicals will be closed when they are not needed. And I will not build bridges over them.
If a group of my henchmen performs the task, I will not curse them and send the same group to this task again.
After I have captured the hero's supremacy, I will not immediately release the troops and weaken the guards, thinking that the man with the weapon is invincible. In between, I took it from a hero!
I will design the General Staff so that the door is visible from every working place.
I will not ignore the messenger by making him wait for the end of my treatment. Perhaps he brought important news.
If I talk to a hero on the phone, I won't intimidate him. Naoborot, I will say that his tenacity and perseverance have given me a new vision of the meaninglessness of my path to evil, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of meditation, I will return to the right path. (Heroes are extremely trusting in this sense.)
If I'm planning a double execution, a hero and a petty biscuit who betrayed me, I'll get him executed first.
With the prisoners in custody, my guard won't let them stop and pick up some pranks for romantic reasons.
There will be a team of qualified medics and their bodyguards in my dungeon. In such a case, if the prisoner becomes ill and his neighbor calls for help, the guard will call the medics, and will not open the chamber and come to see.
The mechanism of the doors will be designed so that the destruction of the control panel of the equipment would seal the door, and from the inside it would open, not open.
In the chambers of my dungeon there will be no marks with mirror twists, and from which ropes could be made.
If an attractive young couple comes to my country, I will be watching them closely. If they are tender to each other and happy, I will ignore them. But if it turns out that circumstances have rallied them against their desires, and that they spend most of their time fighting and criticizing each other, except when they save each other's life (and only if there are hints of warm relations), I will immediately demand their executions.
Any important files will be measured at least 1.45 megabytes.
Finally, if I want to enter my victims from a permanent state of transit, I will give them unlimited access to the Internet.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the heir who planned to overthrow me, I will do it myself.
I will not waste my time making the death of my enemy an accident. I have no one to answer, and still no one will believe.
I will make it clear that I am familiar with the word “mercy.” I'm just not gonna whip him.
My secret agents will not have tattoos marking them as members of my organization. They also do not need to wear army boots or any other piece of clothing.
I will build all the weapons of the end of the world myself. If I need to hire a mad scientist as an assistant, I will make sure that he is evil enough to never go out of the way of evil and begin to repair the damage he has done.
If my central command post is attacked, I will immediately dive into a pre-prepared rescue shuttle and lead the defenses from there. I will not wait for enemies to break into my inner chambers.
Although I intend to live forever, I will still hire engineers who will be able to build a strong enough citadel so that it will not fall to the ground immediately after my death for no structural reason.
Any magic and/or technology that miraculously resurrects a minor character who voluntarily sacrifices his life will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that brave young men, in strange robes and with a foreign accent, regularly climb the monument in the main square of my capital and from there threaten me, demand to reveal the secrets of my power, call the people to revolt, etc. So the townspeople will get bored long before it gets to the point.
I will not use complex schemes that will allow the hero’s team to get to my inner chambers before the trap closes.
All oracles will be offered a choice: work for me or execution.
I will not rely on "absolutely reliable" spells if they can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
The main gate of my citadel will be of standard size. Of course, the carefully constructed double doors 60 feet high are impressive in their massiveness, but in case of danger, they are difficult to close quickly.
I won't accept a hero's challenge.
I will not fight a hero until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I'll leave it at the landing site with a deflated ladder, a few symbolic guards and a ton of explosives that will go off immediately after being removed from the explosion.
No matter how much I crave revenge, I will never command subordinates to "Leave him alone!" It's mine!
If I have important equipment, it won't be activated by a lever that someone might accidentally turn on by falling fatally wounded on it.
I will not try to kill a hero by throwing a poisonous creature into his cell. It will end up by mistake killing one of my clumsy minions.
Nothing is more annoying than a hero who wins using simple arithmetic. Therefore, all my personal weapons will be modified to give one shot more than the standard models.
If I come across an artifact that only a pure heart can use, I will not try to use it. It's pointless.
The gun turrets in my fortress will not turn to shoot inwards or at each other.
If I decide to arrange a competition in any skill available to the public, all participants will be required to remove their capes and shave.
Before I kidnap an old scientist and make him work for me, I'll make sure he doesn't have a naive, beautiful daughter willing to risk anything for Daddy, or an escaped son who worked in the same field but fell in love with his father years ago.
If I suddenly decide to kill the hero in a safe escape room-trapped (water pours out, sand pours out, walls move, etc.), I will not leave him five or ten minutes before the “inevitable” death. I will find a good observation post or a video camera with a monitor to lean around and enjoy the sight of the death of the enemy.
It is preferable to have more than one rescue shuttle that the hero can easily find. I'd rather run a few dozen sets to throw him off the trail.
The jailers will have their own diner with a wide selection of goodies and deliver them to those on duty. The guards will also be warned that food or water from any other source will be punished.
I will not use robots as saboteurs if there is some way to reprogram them, or if their batteries are placed outside and can be retrieved.
The irony is delightful, but I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
In my Legions of Fear will be wearing professionally fitted uniforms. Even if the hero knocks out one of the soldiers, a poorly seated uniform will instantly betray him.
I will never leave the key to the cell just outside the prisoner's reach.
Before I offer anyone the post of trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough examination and security check.
If I find that my beautiful wife with access to my citadel has anything to do with a hero, I will execute her. It is regrettable, but it is easier to find a new spouse than a new citadel, and perhaps the next one will pay attention to general orientation meetings.
If I'm running away in a big truck and a hero is chasing me in a small Italian sports car, I won't wait for him to come up to me to try to throw him off the road while he's pushing forward. I'll just hit the brakes as soon as he's right behind me. (A knowledge of physics can sometimes prove useful.)
My Doomsday weapon will be equipped with a high-tech device called a battery in case someone quietly knocks out the voltage at the last second. (If I have access to VERY high technology, I will also install a backup device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I'll just remember which wires to cut to deactivate, and I'll make all the wires red.
Before spending funds on giant gargoyles, Gothic arches and other cosmetic architectural delights, I will check if there are any worthwhile military expenditures that can use the extra budget.
The passages leading to and from my citadel will be carefully illuminated by daylight lamps. Of course, the atmosphere of terror will disappear without a trace, but security patrols will be more effective.
If I’m sitting in a camp, hear the crunch of branches, start looking around and notice a little animal, I’ll still send out a couple of scouts – just to check, for safety’s sake. (If they disappear in the wilds, I will not send another patrol - I will strike with napalm.)
I will instruct the guards to look for a night pot before entering a stone that looks empty. If he's there, the prisoner escaped and we can go in and look for traces. If there is no night pot, the prisoner either climbed up to the ceiling to slap it over the head of the incoming person, or escaped and took the night pot with him as a souvenir (in this case he is definitely deeply obsessed and poses no danger); in any case, there is no need to enter.
The alternative to not having children: I will have many children. My sons will be too busy chasing for position to ever pose a real threat, and the daughters will stage sabotage, preventing each other from gaining the hero's attention.
If I have children and grandchildren, I will always keep my three-year-old granddaughter with me. If a hero comes in intending to kill me, I will ask him first to explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandfather. When the hero embarks on moral explanations that are too abstruse for her, it will be a sign for her to press a button and send the hero to a pit with crocodiles. After all, young children love crocodiles almost as much as the Evil Lords. It is important to give enough time to your grandchildren.
If one of my daughters does win the hero's attention and openly rebels against me, I will congratulate her on her good choice, proclaim a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and appoint the hero as my heir. Maybe that’s enough to break up their relationship. If not, at least I'm sure no hero attacks the Legions of Fear when they parade in his honor.
I'll order the soldiers to line up when they shoot the hero so he can't deflect and make them kill each other. Some will also be ordered to aim higher, lower and to the sides so that he does not jump off the firing line.
The design of my dungeons will not include unclosed pipes. They certainly add to the atmosphere of terror, but they are good conductors of vibrations, and many captives know Morse code.
If my observers report the presence of abandoned or seemingly innocent ships where they are not supposed to be, these ships will be destroyed immediately, not captured as spoils.
I will divide my lieutenants into three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. The third category is assigned posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device that is designed to stop me and which in principle cannot work, I will still get a copy of the scheme and make sure that it really cannot work in principle.
Ropes holding various furniture will not be fixed near window openings or stairs, and candelabras will hang directly under the ceiling.
I will provide funding and development to build tactical and strategic weapons with a broad target range so that my choices are not limited to hand-to-hand swords and planet explosions.
I will not claim to be a god. This dangerous post is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will point out to my fashion designer that the bulletproof vest fits any kind of clothing.
Anyone can enter my Legions of Fear. However, if it is predicted that no man will prevail against me, I will consider increasing the quota for non-traditional races.
I will instruct the Legions of Fear on the proper search technique. In general, if they're looking for fugitives and someone shouts "Hurry up!" They ran there!, they must verify the identity of a useful informant before rushing into the chase headlong.
If I find out that there is a hero nearby, I will not, under any circumstances, kill his teachers, mentors and/or best friends.
If I catch a hero and his crew, I won't wait for my Super Weapon to reload and kill them if conventional means are available.
All calendar plans will be marked three days after the actual completion date. I won't worry too much if they get stolen.
I'll change the tags on my top-secret file and my family recipe folder. Imagine the surprise of a hero who decoded a secret plan and discovered a recipe for Grandma Potato Salad.
If, breaking into the rebel headquarters, I find empty rooms and a strange, flashing device, I will not wander around and explore; I will rush from there to hell.
Before enrolling in my Legions of Fear, every recruit must undergo medical tests for peripheral vision and hearing, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown for distraction.
I will change my daily routine and not let life become a routine. For example, I won’t always sip wine or hit a giant gong before killing an enemy.
If I steal something important to the hero, I won't put it on public display.
In planning the expedition, I will choose a route for my troops that will not pass through dense thickets near the rebel camp.
I'll hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, drug him with disinformation and send him to arrest a hero.
As an advocate of equality, I will use a few tight-eared bodyguards. Then if I need to speak to anyone in confidence, I'll just turn my back so the guards don't read their lips, rather than order them to leave the room.
If the rebels manage to fool me, I'll remember how they did it so they wouldn't fall for the same trick over and over again.
If I need a computer scientist, and I have to choose between a brilliant programmer, the head of the world's greatest technology concern, and a fifteen-year-old idiot trying to impress the girl of his dreams, I'll take a sucker and leave the hero to negotiate with a genius.
I will plan ahead what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. Then I will never have to order anyone to be tied up while I decide their fate.
If I have a large computer system, I will take at least the same precautions as small business people and include things like antiviruses and firewalls.
As a despot who believes in equality, I will see to it that horror and oppression are distributed evenly, rather than directed to one select group that will form the backbone of rebellion.
I'm not going to have a base in a volcano, a cave, or any other place where you can ridiculously just fool security by sliding down.
I'll let the guards work on flexible schedules. If someone feels tired, they can call a shifter, check in, go take a nap and come back refreshed to finish their shift.
Although it is disappointing, I will not admit to the hero’s opponent that I did the heinous deed for which he blames the hero.
If I'm hanging over the abyss, and the hero reaches out to me, I won't try to drag him down with me. I'll let him save me, thank me properly, then return to my safe citadel and order his execution.
There will be regular exorcisms in my citadel. Although ghosts in dungeons give an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to give out valuable information when they are peaceful.
I'll add indelible paint to the water ditch. It won't interfere with a swimmer, but even a stupid guard can tell the difference between someone who got in this way.
If a scientist who has a beautiful unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I'll offer to pay for her future wedding and college tuition.
If I put a hero in a corner and I'm ready to kill him and he says, "Look behind me!", I won't laugh, "Do you expect me to fall for that old trick?" I will take a step to the side and thus hold the weapon pointed at it and be able to turn around a little and look back. If anything was directed at me, now it is directed at him.
I will be documenting hidden functions.
If I ever build a device that transmits a hero's energy to me, I'll make sure he doesn't have any feedback.
I will decree that all hay be transported in tightly packed bales. Any cart with untied hay trying to pass through the guard post will be shot and burned.
I will not hold any public celebrations within the walls of my castle. Any event open to the public will take place down the road, in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device that pumps energy into my body, I will install an emission suppressor.
I'll hire an acting teacher. He would think he was wrong to hear my Minnesota accent (if everyone speaks American) or Cornwall (if they speak English).
If I catch an enemy known for his escapes with fantastically ingenious little devices, I will have him thoroughly searched and confiscated all his personal belongings before being thrown into the dungeon.
I will not develop schemes in which part A is to deceive the hero in order to unwittingly assist me, and part B is to mock him and leave him to his own cares.
I won't have feasts during the plague. Good relations with guests do not compensate for bad relations with the masses.
Part of my illegal income is invested in the city. Although slums give a spicy and pleasant color to any city, they too often come across unexpected allies for the hero.
I'll never say to a hero, "Yes, I did it, but you can't prove anything to that stupid, talentless ass." There's a chance a stupid, talentless donkey is behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/magician says he's almost perfected my Super Weapon but needs to do some tests, I'll wait until he finishes his check. No one has conquered the world using beta.
I will not include a relative on my board. Nepotism greatly interferes with management and leads to clashes with the trade union.
I’m not going to tell my potential spouse that I’d rather have a younger, more attractive woman.
If I use the hero's girlfriend as a hostage, and I hold her on the edge of instant death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her, not him. He will not try to do anything while his true love is held hostage. On the other hand, her weakness, stupidity, naïveté and utter futility up to this time have nothing to do with her actions in the moments of dramatic denouement.
I'll make some fake maps of secret passageways to my citadel and hire travelers to deposit them with old hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Using them as a human shield is a waste of material.
I'll hire a master shooter and put it at the entrance to my citadel. His job will be to shoot anyone who comes to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Fear that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who throws a sword at a hero or stuns him with his butt will be executed on the spot.
I will remember that I have to learn about all my vulnerabilities. I will also remember that no one else should know.
I will not make alliances with those who are stronger than me. They'll stab me in the back at my triumph. I would rather make an alliance with those who are weaker than me and stab them in the back at the moment of their triumph.
In peacetime, my Legions of Fear will not be allowed to lie down, drink honey or eat fried pork. They will be instructed to obey my nutritionist and aerobics instructor.
All the giant snakes guarding my underground lakes will be given goggles to prevent vision damage.
Any old hag with prophetic powers will be provided free of charge with the services of beauticians, hairdressers, manicures and wardrobe from Donna Karan. This should undermine their credibility.
I won't hire an evil wizard with a thin mustache.
I'll hire a squad of blind guards. This will confirm that everyone is equal for me, and most importantly, there will be someone to manage the hero when he is invisible or cut off the light.
All repairs will be carried out by the internal repair service. All suspicious “repairmen” who appeared in the citadel will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Fear park the scooters to conduct a walking reconnaissance, they will be instructed to turn on the control lock.
Employees will have personal trailers for the newlyweds, which they are free to use, calling a shift and marking off at the exit. With this in mind, anyone caught having sex in a closet and leaving a post unattended will be shot.
Members of my Legions of Fear will be attending group therapy sessions. It is useful for them to treat the population politely and courteously, when they do not have to bring chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a treacherous, treacherous witch, if only because it is absolutely hopeless to perpetuate the line of my family. However, we can have a great time together.
Guest rooms will be packed with bugs and hidden cameras so that I can keep an eye on what those I have given access to my citadel are actually doing.
If my chief engineer disappoints me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in a dungeon or outside the traps he helped develop.
I will not send battalions of robots or skeletons against heroes who have prejudices about killing living things.
I will not wear long heavy cloaks. They are certainly always in high fashion, but they have an annoying tendency to get pinched with doors or turn under their feet while fleeing.
If an evil deity demands a certain quality of sacrifice, I will check whether the sacrifice possesses this quality immediately before the sacrifice, without relying on earlier research. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is girlfriend)
hero.
If I ever need a digital indicator for a Doomsday weapon, I'll buy one that doesn't have quantum mechanical anomalies. Many of the samples on the market count down the time when you look directly at them, but if you turn away and walk away for a few minutes, they will show that only a few seconds have passed.
If my Legions of Fear are defeated in battle, I will quietly retreat and regroup the troops, rather than sending random men to sew a hero.
If the key to the hero's chains is around my neck, and his ex-girlfriend has voluntarily gone to me, and we're alone in my bedroom, and she offers me a glass of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I won't pick up a shining ancient artifact and shout "His power is now mine!!!" I'll take the forceps, put it in a container for dangerous equipment and send it to my lab for study.
I'm going to pick the killers carefully. Anyone who tries to get ahead of the hero, rather than waiting for him to turn his back, is not even considered a candidate.
Whatever my only vulnerability is, I will invent something else. For example, I would order all the mirrors to be removed from the palace, I would scream and tremble when someone accidentally takes out a mirror, etc. In a moment of dramatic denouement, when the hero pulls a mirror out of his sleeve and sticks it in my face, my reaction will be, "Hmm... it would be nice to shave." ?
My force field generators will fit inside this field.
I reserve the right to execute any subordinate who appears too intelligent, strong, or freedom-loving. However, if I do, I will have no reason to say, “Why are these stupid idiots around me?”
There will be a fire extinguisher in every room. Three if there are life support systems or volatile chemicals.
I will use equipment that, when overloaded, simply breaks down, rather than exploding with the attendants or, worse, triggers a chain reaction. I'm going to do that using an emission suppressor device.
I'll explain to the guards that they have eyes in front of them, so when you're ordered to find someone, there's no point in pulling out a weapon and walking slowly down the hall.
I'll have a team of experienced detectives on hand. If I find out that someone is working against me in a village, I will send them to find out who it is, and I will not sweep away the whole village with a preemptive strike.
I'll never trap a real bait.
If the hero says he wants to confess publicly or personally to me, I will remind him that written testimony has equal force.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set them to fire simultaneously, not to launch the next one if the previous one fails.
I will not delay a ritual that grants immortality.
All magical creatures will be instructed to ask the visitor for the name, purpose of the visit, and permission, rather than the answer to an ancient mystery.
