Why do we choose the difficult people

People's entire life is based on projections. Projection is the process of assigning among his personal properties. That is, in the world we actually see parts of ourselves. All the time. If at us something not, and in the world we do not see. The world is all around, all people.

Relationship we also build out projections. There is a concept in psychoanalysis — transference. In Gestalt therapy the other name for this phenomenon — the transfer or transference. But I'm here so I use the psychoanalytic term, it is more popular.

The transfer is not a projection but very close. For example, if you take one person who somehow reminds us of someone else (of course, projective recalls through the lens itself), we can then transfer the fantasy one on the other. And expect, for example, such behavior as the other.

Photo flickr.com

So, in this article I want to describe in detail the selection mechanism, for example, life companion, partner, friends, etc in adult life. How do we "take" these people, and why, and if we suffer in relationships — it is what it is all connected. And, of course, a few words write about what all of this can be done.


As repeated life scenarios

Clients I sometimes say I choose such difficult people. I try, but I can't do anything about it. And it's true.

The fact is that our unconscious is much stronger and more powerful consciousness. And even if we understand that here is such good and nice people, so respectful and gentle attitude to me, that to him somehow need to reach... and inside can be a very different feeling... We, for example, can rationally assume that "I will not work" or "turn me down". Find any reason not to approach. All this, of course, projection. That they do not fit me. This I deny them.

They didn't suit me because I'm not used to this. In my experience there is no such. I have another one. Only the usual and I'll look.

So works the mind. What kind of environment I used to live initially — and I'll keep looking. Because in this environment (even the worst) I have survival experience, through which I have lived to see these days, and in the new (even if very good) — no. And she unknown to my body, and therefore potentially dangerous.

That is why women complain that you can't build relationships and always choose some complex men. Men also worried that difficult to build a strong relationship with a woman.


As we are influenced by the past

Here also sometimes hear from customers phrase — don't want to deal with the past, it's already past, I want to then it was all better. And how not to understand? If a woman is accustomed to domestic violence, for example. Used that dad — drunk and rowdy. Who will she choose for a husband, guess what? The psyche will find a "similar" type of man. Or — contravisory option — not drinking and don't touch it, but "raping" her in a more sophisticated form...

Or if a woman is accustomed to the overbearing and strict mother. What kind of people she is going to look? Right, the same. Although they may at first it seem different, but in its very essence will be similar.

So the transfer works


If relationships with parents are not conscious, not built, they left a lot of tension and anxiety, and the relationship — all — in adult life will be burdened with the transfer, and so difficult. And will get "suitable" candidates for this migration.

By the way, the person is still unconsciously will provoke a situation that the image transfer worked on the program. How? Well, to refract their perception of reality. It seems the husband did not want her to do, and she already thought that he humiliated her. She was used to humiliation, he sees them everywhere... And partner, usually he starts to play this game, is embedded in the proposed scenario. Ah, you see the humiliation — so you, the humiliation. That's all. Otherwise, nothing to do, nothing more to build relations... would be Boring...


How to change the life script

Why are we in Gestalt therapy often talk about the curiosity and the interest to the other person? Because it is those experiences that give us the opportunity to look out of your own projections, and portable processes. If interested in other no, every second of time, and there is some a priori "knowledge" about the other, then it is not a relationship, and meeting "hyphens". That is, the whole complexity of a real human, real, comes down to one simple image that endlessly played the same game. And usually, the games are very simple, one-two-three steps.

Peek out "from under the wrap", to doubt their guesses about the other, helps the manifestation of his own curiosity and interest.

When I realize that I can assume about the other, but I push a bit their assumptions and start really caring about this man or this woman. That is, I ask again. I questioned. Specify, whether correctly understood. And only then have the opportunity to see the real other.

And it is work in a relationship — to see not only their projections and transfers.

If the transfer is "charged" — there are many unresolved tasks — with mother or dad, brother, grandma, the mind will seek these tasks doresti. The scenarios so generated. We strive to doreshti their tasks. And for that, how would you need to return the old relationship, dysfunctional, creepy, unpleasant, but return. To something new they could do.

And to return, we are looking for similar people... And played similar scenarios...


Also interesting: Letter of liberation: a method to understand the causes of the situations

How does the law of attraction of people and events in our lives


You can endlessly to lose them one by one and suffer from this vicious circle. And you can sign up for a consultation with a psychologist to conclude a contract for ongoing psychotherapy and begin to realize what and how I was going on what and how I choose. And then there is a chance to change your life script, to change the people's choice in life. Change "karma", if you want.published


Author: Elena Mitina


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: elenamitina.com.ua/publications/pochemu-my-vybiraem-slozhnyh-lyudey.html


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