The ability to devalue something — yourself, others, their own and others actions, results, achievements are a psychological protection that we use to stop in different difficult experiences, they could encounter.
In General, any psychological defense aims to stop some actual experience, since the mind sees it as harmful to its integrity.
Depreciation often protects us from the imaginary threat conditions and feelings which once, in my childhood was really difficult unbearable. Now this may be very wrong, but the psyche works in the old way.As we learn to devalue themselves
Of course we teach it. Parents, influential relatives, teachers. All those people who are there and then seemed to us to be knowledgeable, right, strong. In General, we believed them, because someone had to believe it was necessary to find some kind of coordinate system to life.
So it turns out that influential people in childhood we do not choose — they are chosen. Got this mom and this dad will have to believe them.
And that's often gets this devalues the devalues mom or a dad. To say "nothing you put on airs", "what a great achievement, the top five received", "and Zoe Petrovna daughter so beautiful knits, what do you have that?"... Even sometimes say, "you don't get to become a doctor, you're a girl is not very smart" or "you're boy is weak, you have nothing to go into aviation." And how this little boy or this girl do not believe a dad or mom, even if it's all very sad and a shame, will have to take it for granted, because there is simply no alternative — the kids are too young to be critical of parents...
the Psyche is not yet ripe for this.
And sometimes another situation where it seems that no one did not say anything, but still have a feeling that I was some kind of small, worthless... "Well, what if I dance... everyone is dancing, and so much better than me! And sing better... And anyway, I'm such a worthless. Yeah would be better if I wasn't in this world!". Such thoughts and feelings say that parents of non-verbal, that is dumb, to broadcast children this devalues the position. Like you — once, better if you really was not only a hassle... mom Goes and thinks: my daughter is beautiful was born, as my mother wanted, and not so clever... Ordinary girl, and how much effort it requires. And the mother is experiencing such an aversion to her own child, and anger, for example, or resentment. But not to recognize, often, not to say it can not be — as-weird because will sound. But only in automatic behavior, facial expressions and gestures that are impossible to control, and will manifest its attitude. And the baby will to grasp it clearly and to read this information and feel ashamed, hurt, alone.
Often clients counseling saying anything I did not say that I do something unworthy, and mom was always friendly, and dad is normal, but I feel, somehow, small, not valuable, too much...Because there is a verbal method of communication — words and non-verbal — gestures, facial expressions, behavior. And nothing, in fact, not hide from their children.
Gradually, when we grow up, allocation of parental attitudes and parental relationship to us.We ourselves become like parents like what we had. If we devalued, it devalues the same we become in relation to itself.
How does the depreciation in adult life
I said that depreciation is a protective mechanism for the psyche from unbearable feelings. Once these feelings are experienced parents with us. They were, for example, is ashamed of us — when we koryavenko told me this poem and clumsily tried to portray this dance. They were ashamed in front of other relatives who came to watch, and the parents tried to drown out the shame, "that's it, she will not be you a singer, there is nothing to do". "My love, why do you need to get off my stool".
Or envy, for example, was unbearable. The daughter is how beautiful she grew, not like I was in my youth! And the Golden curls and slender figure. Hmm... Well, what of it? There's nothing wrong, normal self. And mother says: "You're like all normal". Or, "Get, Lucky a size five, and you're such a neckline is not, take off that dress!".This whole external picture, if it grew, becoming internal.
And now this grown-up girl thinks she koryavenko read poems, awkward dancing, and an ordinary "gray mouse". Although she can speak quite different to admire her declamatory powers, to celebrate its beauty and uniqueness. But her idea, she doesn't believe! And who believes that?.. Of course, the mom and the dad in the past.
We are protected from their own feelings that seem unbearable, as when they tried to stop our parents. We are not aware and can't be in shame, or envy, or disgust. We think we will not get, because our parents couldn't stand it there and then.
How to stop discount
What I have described, in adulthood operates unconsciously and automatically. Depreciation just works like a valve and "BAM" — we are in the unpleasant condition, want nothing, long for nothing, and space itself can not find. No we all. And values in us no either.
In the process of therapy can be gradually unwinding this tangle of unconscious processes, to make them obvious, to try to see them have older eyes, may check expiration date if, by chance, these automaticities?Am I really not worth anything? Am I an awful person? Or maybe I have so much interesting and useful?
I came up with this program, which is successfully used by people, because I wrote that book enjoy reading. This to me friends with those and those people trusting me with their time, their thoughts, feelings and emotions and paying some attention to me. I'm so charming writing and truly love that man (that woman) and we have such wonderful and talented children!
All this will be impossible if you, for example,forbid yourself to experience joy and pleasure in what you have accomplished. If you are afraid to assign today's advances, fearing in the future not be able to keep up and get thus in your toxic shame. If you used to compare yourself with someone who will find something better. If the depreciation so automatically and works everywhere in your head right now, reading these lines, you think, "Well, yeah, it's all easy so to write, it's all so clear! And try to do to change!".And that is what we do during individual or group psychotherapy - slowly, gradually, but with a guarantee that it is realized and can be lived, because no longer controls us.
Author: Elena Mitina
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©