Himself a torturer

If you have problems in relationships, don't waste your time with their constant asking. Search for your inner conflict. This short road to change.

The essence of all external conflict between people lies in the internal contradiction of man with himself. If I didn't have inside the controversy over some issue, whether I have it "calm and grace in the soul", I wouldn't have to deploy it outside and do a treasure relationships.

This does not mean that you need to shut up and stop important to clarify feelings, needs, meanings. Of course, this is important.

I'm talking about those conflicts when we spend a lot of time figuring out people "going in circles", and who, as they say, is still there. I mean, it is not fundamentally changing.





Psychological splitting in the intermediate phase of development of External events largely depends on how we organized the inside. The attitude to us of others, and "selection" of these others, and everything that we have and not have in life, it depends largely on how we integrated inside. How integrated our ambivalence, as far as our mind can accommodate those meanings, which are in fact mutually exclusive.

Of course, this ability to feel and perceive themselves as an integral organism, belongs to a man with a Mature psyche. That is, the psychologically Mature individual. In children this does not work, Nakada stage of development the child explores the range of possibilities, and it is limited.

Internal contradictions — it is, in fact, the same splitting. When something splits into halves to make it easier for you to accept, to understand, to systematize. The child at a certain age it's easier to understand what is good and what is bad, splitting the world into good and bad, and especially the world of people — also expanding to these two categories. So somehow you can navigate to provide safety and comfort. But for the child if this is enough, because there is an adult nearby, with a more complex mental organization, for the adult such an attitude will not be enough.

The more splintered psyche, the more difficult to make their life quality, get pleasure from it. All the time you need someone or something to fight all the time to feel either the winner or a victim and need protection.

A physically Mature adults left in the shower at certain stages of children's development. Of course, this does not mean that they are not adapted to normal life, very even.

After all, the main children's play is manipulation by adults, and many adults can spend a lifetime this way to survive by manipulating the environment.

But any manipulation is very curved contact with another person. In fact, it is not a contact. Because the manipulation is designed to circumvent the will and consciousness of the other.

So, such people can be adapted to have work, family, and established social connections. All the attributes of the adult and socially successful person. But in my heart can feel very different- to suffer, not finding them the reasons.

Manifestations of the internal conflict in the relationship When in the shower too many unresolved contradictions, which mostly are not recognized, but only appear to certain States or feelings, desire something urgent to do or say. For example, at some point you can experience severe physical discomfort or feelings of guilt, shame, resentment. Or the desire to argue, prove their point of view. Or do something to spite someone, to fight with someone to prove.

An example is the notorious game of "Yes, but...". When a person unfolds some other problem, and they start giving him some recommendations and, often, by the way, very relevant, but all this he says: "Yes, it's good, but...". And then follows an explanation of why the "but".And there is always this reason. Her brain will generate in a fraction of seconds.

And in fact, the game of "Yes, but" is preceded by deeply unconscious and, moreover, is not said internal conflict. And this conflict in one head of one person. And he speaks to himself. Because in this head splitting: there is one part that says: "to do so!". And there's another part that says: "No, like this!". And breaks poor head into two halves every second.





Where are the internal conflicts of Course, they first were external, as all what would become of our psychic reality. They were people's voices, actions and activities. And maybe even pozeminiame shoulders and grins. And these are all manifestations of others and were in conflict among themselves. Here, the same mom or the same dad could say that you need to always share with your friends, and when their son came home from school without notebooks in algebra, we had homework to do, and which he shared with another boy, of course, abused. "Why squander your stuff!" — talked.

Here, rarely, unfortunately, the parents explain the nuances, consequences — what happens if I do so, what would happen if the commercials... In such a situation or such. Usually it's not enough time, and education is limited to short succinct phrases. And in the end have? Two messages: "always share" and "never give", for example. And that's how to live with it? What and when to apply? When? It is not clear. Here psyche and gets out somehow — all the while being in conflict with themselves. And spent it is often a lot of energy and effort.





As inner conflict becomes the outer Man unconscious with internal breakdown forced him to be placed in communication with other people. Well, here, for example. Cheated one man of another, stole the money. And then, when it turned out, began to throw the blame on him saying that you made me like this, I was forced to take them! Why is this happening? Inside stole are two parts: one that believes that he needs the money and they are easy to get in a known manner, and the which believes that stealing is bad, shame.

But in relationships he is one of the sides projecting to the opponent. And leave yourself another one and then somehow it's easier to protect only one point of view, not just two inside.

Or, for example, often the man is married, but wants another woman. And, for example, wanting it is not allowed. But when it is all the same allow yourself to realize your desire in some condemn themselves to the same form, in order to get rid of the "bouquet" konopinski feelings of guilt, shame, etc., he is responsible for the offense to hold the object of his desire, saying, this is all you short skirt you wore, so I nistertal! Then one internal opponent is projected in this woman (which, for example, says: "live in pleasure"), and the other opponent remains himself — "you can't cheat on your wife", for example.

And so it is possible to address many conflicts and misunderstandings.





How to work with inner conflicts All anything, but our differences prevent to build relationships with others. Scenarios of such relations either gap or distance (removed), or the eternal struggle, resentment, pain (circle).

Therefore, the main work is to detect, recognize and integrate the existing elements. That is, to finish the job once the parents or teachers or those who raised us, didn't have enough time or skills. And we know that 100% of the time and skills will never be enough and something just stays on "self improvement".

The algorithm works like this: any contradictions to deploy and "finish" myself. That is, already with a Mature intelligence, the adult eye to treat those simple installations that are assigned. To reflect in more detail on all the "conflicting themes".

What really is for me "good" and when, where and how. And what is for me "bad" — when, where and how. It is quite capacious and hard work.

Often this requires a trained specialist, a psychologist or therapist who will help you to detect and deploy internal splitting. Help "negotiate" parts of it. When the contradiction ceases to recoup inside, the person usually is experiencing peace of mind and confidence, he no longer need to get out and something to hide from himself and others. It is clear and calm. It takes your own imperfection and the imperfection of the world, where, in fact, all contradictory, and chaos. He is like a surfer — only "catches a wave".published

 

Author: Elena Mitina

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: elenamitina.com.ua/publications/sam-sebe-muchitel.html