5 Situations When Your Feelings Depreciate

Ecology of life. Psychology: Communicating with people, we are faced with such an unpleasant phenomenon as disapproval. When our emotions, experiences and problems are not taken seriously, it can cause serious psychological trauma and destroy relationships. Understanding the mechanisms of depreciation and the ability to recognize its manifestations is a key skill for maintaining psychological health in the modern world.

In everyday life, we regularly share our feelings, anxieties and joys with others, waiting for understanding and support. Instead, however, we are often confronted with a devaluation of our emotions, a phenomenon where the significance of our experiences is diminished or denied. According to the American Psychological Association, about 65% of people have experienced at least one depreciation of their feelings in close relationships.
Psychologist John Gottman, known for his work in the field of family psychology, attributes depreciation to one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” in relationships – destructive patterns of communication that are highly likely to lead to a break in ties between people.
It's important to understand: devaluation is not just an unpleasant communicative error, but a form of emotional violence that can cause significant harm to a person’s psychological health, reduce his self-esteem and ability to trust others.

Situation 1: "It's not a problem" - denying the significance of experiences
The first and perhaps most common depreciation scenario is a direct denial of the importance of your emotions or problems. Phrases like “Come on, it’s nonsense,” “Don’t dramatize,” or “Everyone does this” minimize the significance of your experiences.
When a person shares his feelings, he has already determined their importance. Depreciation in this case acts as a denial of the reality of the other person, which can cause a feeling of isolation and doubts about their own perception.
What to do in this situation:

• Set boundaries. Explain clearly that you feel uncomfortable when your feelings are rejected: “This is really important to me, and I’d like you to take it seriously.”
• Practice self-validation. Remind yourself that your feelings have a right to exist regardless of how others react. Statements like “I have a right to feel this way” can be a powerful resource for self-support.
• Reach out to those who support you. Surround yourself with those who are capable of empathy and recognize your emotions as meaningful.

Situation 2: Others Are Worse – Comparison with More Serious Problems
The second typical depreciation scenario is comparing your experiences to other people’s problems, which are supposedly more serious. "You think you're in trouble? Here’s Masha’s husband left, and you just have a little disagreement”, “In Africa, children are starving, and you are worried about work”.

This approach ignores the subjectivity of emotional experience. Studies show that emotional pain activates the same areas of the brain as the physical. When someone tells you not to suffer, your brain perceives it in the same way as if you were told not to limp with a fracture.
Please note: The hierarchy of suffering ("who is worse off") is a logical error. By this logic, there is only one person in the world who has the right to empathy – the one who is worst off. All emotional experiences deserve respect, regardless of their relative severity.

How to respond:

• Explain the inconsistency of comparison. “Being worse for someone doesn’t make my feelings any less real.”
• Point to a lack of empathy. “When you compare my problems to others, I feel like you’re not trying to understand me.”
• Formulate what you need. “I don’t need a decision right now, I just want you to listen and accept my feelings.”

Situation 3: "Just be positive" is a toxic positive
Toxic positivity is a modern form of depreciation in which a person is forced to “think positively” instead of recognizing and living negative emotions. “Everything is for the best,” “Just smile and everything will get better,” “Don’t think about the bad” – phrases that may sound friendly, but in practice deny a person’s right to experience the full range of emotions.
Psychology professor Susan David, in her book Emotional Flexibility, emphasizes that emotional health is not about constant positivity, but about the ability to adequately perceive and live all emotions, even unpleasant ones. Suppression of emotions, which calls for toxic positive, is associated with increased levels of stress and even somatic diseases.
“Forced positivity is not a manifestation of optimism, but a form of denial that, in the long run, leads to an increase in negative emotions, not to their overcoming.”

Effective strategies for toxic positives:

• Recognize the right to all emotions. “I understand you want to help me, but right now I just need to live through those feelings.”
• Explain the value of emotional experience. My negative emotions are not a problem to be solved, but rather signals that help me understand myself.
• Offer constructive support. Instead of telling me not to be sad, you could just sit with me and listen.

Situation 4: "I know what's best for you" - paternalism and neglect of autonomy
The fourth depreciation scenario occurs when the other person assumes the right to decide what you should feel and how to act, ignoring your ability to self-determination. “You can’t feel that way,” “You’re really just tired,” “I know what you need better” – statements like this undermine your emotional autonomy.


Research in the psychology of self-determination shows that respect for autonomy is a fundamental psychological need. Psychotherapist Daniel Siegel notes that being able to be heard is critical for neurobiological health and self-regulation.
Paternalism in relationships is especially dangerous because it creates an imbalance of power. When one person constantly defines the emotional reality of another, it leads to the formation of dependent relationships and the blurring of personal boundaries.

How to protect your autonomy:

• Defend your experience. “I appreciate your opinion, but only I can know how I really feel.”
• Use "I-statements." When you say you know my feelings better than I do, I feel like my identity is not respected.
• Set clear boundaries. “I ask you not to interpret my emotions. If you do not understand something, you should ask.”
• Look for an equal relationship. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect for each other’s inner peace.

Situation 5: "You're too sensitive" - pathology of normal emotions
The fifth common mechanism of depreciation is the presentation of normal emotional reactions as a sign of psychological distress or excessive sensitivity. “You’re so dramatic,” “You’re just hysterical,” “You’re exaggerating” — comments like this implicitly suggest that there’s something wrong with you if you’re experiencing strong emotions.
This mechanism is especially harmful because it causes a person to doubt the adequacy of their own perception and can lead to a phenomenon known in psychology as “gaslighting” – a form of psychological violence in which the victim is forced to doubt their own adequacy.
Research shows: The constant devaluation of emotions can lead to the development of “learned helplessness” – a state in which a person stops trying to change the situation because he is convinced that they are useless. This condition is closely related to the development of depression and anxiety disorders.

How to resist pathology:

• Remind yourself of the normality of emotions. All people experience a wide range of feelings—not a sign of weakness or psychological distress.
• Turn to the facts. “Just because I am upset does not mean that I am exaggerating. Here are the specific facts that bother me. . . ?
• Look for specialist support. If you regularly experience depreciation, consulting a psychologist can help build your confidence and develop effective defense strategies.

Practical recommendations for countering depreciation
1. Develop Emotional Intelligence
The ability to recognize, name, and understand your emotions is the first step to protecting yourself from depreciation. Psychologist Mark Brackett, author of the program RULER (Recognize, Understand, Label, Express, Regulate emotions), emphasizes that “emotional literacy” allows you to more confidently defend the significance of your experiences.
2. Practice self-validation
Self-validation is the recognition and acceptance of one’s own emotions without judgment. Even if others devalue your feelings, you can say to yourself, What I feel has a right to exist. My emotions are real and important.”
3. Improve communication skills
Nonviolent communication techniques developed by Marshall Rosenberg are particularly effective in counteracting depreciation. The formula “observation – feeling – need – request” helps to clearly convey your experiences and expectations.
4. Choose your surroundings
Surround yourself with people capable of empathy and emotional support. Research shows that the quality of social connections is a key factor in psychological well-being.
5. Set and Protect Borders
Clear psychological boundaries are a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. Learn to say no to depreciation and consistently assert your right to respect your emotional experience.

Conclusion
Emotional depreciation is a common but extremely destructive phenomenon in interpersonal relationships. Recognizing various forms of depreciation, from outright denial of the significance of feelings to toxic positivity and pathologization of emotions, is the first step towards building a healthy emotional ecology.
Remember that your feelings are real and have a right to exist, regardless of whether others understand them. Developing skills to protect against depreciation not only improves the quality of relationships, but also promotes deep self-understanding and psychological resilience.
Ultimately, the ability to accept and respect the full range of human emotions—both your own and others’—is the foundation of true emotional maturity and fulfilling relationships.

Glossary of terms
Depreciation
A form of psychological abuse in which the significance of a person's emotions, experiences, problems or needs is downplayed or denied.

Emotional intelligence
The ability to recognize, understand and manage your emotions, and to recognize and influence the emotions of others.

Toxic positives
Imposing exceptionally positive emotions and denying the right to experience negative emotional experiences.

gaslighting
A form of psychological violence in which a person is forced to doubt the adequacy of his own perception, memory or reason.

Self-validation
The practice of recognizing, accepting, and legitimizing one’s own emotions, thoughts, and experiences without the need for external validation of their value.

Psychological boundaries
The mental, emotional, and physical limits a person sets to protect their personality and psychological well-being.

Emotional autonomy
The ability to self-identify, express and regulate your emotions without undue influence from others.

Nonviolent communication
A method of communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg aimed at creating empathic contact and resolving conflicts without psychological pressure.