Should focus on the pleasant moments as life turns to face usThe idea for this article for a long time was in the air, supported by doubt and non-existent offense. More and more I began to pull out of context "it's okay" and "Oh, it's not worth it", "come on, nothing special", "everyone does it". We will talk about depreciation.
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The most classic examples of this disease can be seen on the Playground:
— Mom, look what my castle turned out!
— Are you sure that's a castle? More like a dead dinosaur.
(depreciation of actions)
— Dad, I belloooo aaiei I parayil palcic!
— Well, okay, you're a kid or is that something different?
Far left, and school:
— Mom, I got an " a " essay!
— What do you want? You have a grandmother teacher. And Lena from a parallel class, among other things, the Olympics won. What our grandmother to hear?
(depreciation of qualities and achievements)
And here we are with all this baggage out into adulthood and begin to devalue themselves and others.
We think that we are not very beautiful, not successful and not clever. We are trying to hide their vulnerability, holding back tears of emotion and hiding his smile where we think it's inappropriate. We assure ourselves that everything that happens to us, it is absolutely unimportant and not worth to be seen. Nothing special.
Devaluing, we are defending ourselves from past experiences and, as a result, are deprived of the opportunities in the present. We create the armor and "sit in the house", where it is warm and tasty food.
A friend said, "Jack, you should write, you're doing great", and I replied: "Oh, nonsense, all write that here".
Why am I doing this? And then what I'm trying to save your own self esteem, protecting it from abuse. So, when you hear unflattering: "it's more for me, sucked from the finger", I was ready for it.
All of these games in the competition and struggle with an invisible enemy from childhood. Who forgot the very Lenka being the best written dictation or Kohl — math genius?
Often the depreciation of hiding and fear to admit their own vulnerability, to show the true emotions. My friend, a kind-hearted man, not inclined, however, to show feelings, considering them a sign of weakness. It is easier to pay a sarcastic comment than to admit that she touched. And to cry and is ashamed, even though with joy.
Perhaps it's time to deal with this pain in not so obvious place for it.
Diagnosis first: I myself depreciate
Reveal how did a particular belief about yourself, what negative experience behind it. Someone's carelessly thrown phrase or our own bad actions or a disapproving glance. Remember the situation and separate ourselves from the past. Yes, when I was teenager I had pimples and a dozen extra pounds. Yeah, I was always good at math and physics, and singing is not the most pleasant voice. But this does not mean that at 32 I'm a fat idiot with no musical abilities.
After completing mental excavations, we find a positive installation and replace old beliefs.
This will help us a positive experience, such as: happy marriage, successful career and even the fact that the neighbors don't call the police, when I want to sing in the shower. And friends — a storehouse of positive information about ourselves.
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Call a friend and offer to remember your successes and achievements — at the same time have fun.
So, collect information bit by bit, grind into flour, and part with the demons of the past.
"I am the most charming and attractive. All men are crazy about me..." To/f "the Most charming and attractive".
Get rid of the desire for perfection. Devaluing ourselves, we forget that life has given us unique abilities. We do not appreciate the gifts given to us, staying hungry at the trough, filled with all sorts of viands, and amasova your inner critic.
How to stop going on about the complaining monster of perfectionism? First of all to shake up your portfolio of excellence and let go of it such destructive installation, such as: "I must be the best", "I have no right to be wrong", "better not to start if there's even the slightest chance to succeed", "be worse than someone shame," "a good grade must be earned".
Congrats on graduation — it's time to be yourself! We are no better or worse than others — we are the others, bold and beautiful in its own imperfection.
"Perfectionism is not the search for the best. It follows that the worst that is within us, the voice that says that everything we do, well enough, and we must try again," Julia Cameron "the artist's Way»
Believe in the value of the business. Even if everything seems to your Hobbies, no one will care and maybe you went crazy, even when you are bombarded by criticisms and doubts...if you enjoy what you do — continue to do it, no matter what.
"If you hear that inner voice that tells you: "You can't draw", draw, come what may, and that voice once silenced" Vincent van Gogh
Remember those who are dear to us. Really helped me realize the fact that, devaluing myself, I negate the contribution of the people close to me in my life. I forget about my grandmother and my first Russian lessons, about the mother, who by his example gave me a love of reading, about a teacher of literature Natalya Nikolaevna and passionate debate in class about happiness, sin and salvation in the name of love, about the incomparable Helena, through which I can still remember the declensions of adjectives in German language.
Somehow I have no hands now to say that I am so a scribbler, and my German is desperately bad.
Diagnosis second: I devalue
Psychology defines depreciation as a form of psychological violence with the options of getting rid of it in the form of escape from danger.That is simply offers to stop communicating with someone who does not appreciate us.
I personally this approach is not close: I am of the opinion that we get exactly what we deserve. We create our own reality and if we believe in ourselves and what we do, openly Express their emotions and feelings, the question of the depreciation of the us other goes into the category of conventional.
It is unlikely that we will touch a dirty comment or incorrect evaluation, because both are a sign of weakness and their own dissatisfaction with the interlocutor. If he touches you, say "thank you" (as that doctor opened purulent abscess), back to the first point and continue to work. For me, there's nothing more exciting than to openly admit their weaknesses and transform them into advantages, filling of meaningfulness.
"When you were rejected and made to suffer, there is the idea that the offender and sought and evil intentions will lead them in the future. However, the thought is almost always wrong. Most often the abuser you're just not interested. It does not hurt you — you hurt yourself". Charles Palliser, "Unburied»
Diagnosis third: I'm bumming other
Observe and notice. Often depreciation is due to habit, pattern of behavior, fear to show emotions or because of the desire to assert themselves. It is important to track each of those moments, to remember that carelessly thrown to her husband: "I'd rather be called the master, your hands do not grow out of the place" or son, "Look what he done, not what you" can hurt. We are, without noticing it, build relationships on depreciation, and wonder why the marriage is falling apart, friends are often envious, and the children of the Goonies, and even evil character.
I admit, I easier babahnut freshly cut: "what are you whining, it's not worth it", than to ask what had happened and how it is important and may really worth a child's tears.
Not to compare. Anyone. Even if Bob is definitely better to solve problems, and Tankin husband earns more and has almost the Deputy, you do not live with Bob and not with someone else's husband, and with his own men. I confess, is sinful. Sometimes the old habit of some preachy, "And Masha..." on your mind. However, the realization of the fact that it does not in itself, but humiliation and disappointment, and leaves it unsaid.
Thank. For me it is a discovery of the year, a panacea for depreciation.
"Gratitude is good soil. It is possible to grow albeit not magical bushes of love, but it is a good tree with edible fruit". Victoria Tokareva, "the First attempt".
How to thank? Keep a diary of gratitude. Remember everything that made our day better and we note in the diary.
We used to pay attention to the fact that we don't like, while positive aspects do not notice, considering them as something for granted.
A child's smile, a Cup of hot tea, brought by the husband, cherry jam, cooked by grandma, especially for you (and it, sighted pitted his wrinkled hands) — all this is a great reason to be thankful for.
"All of our complaints about the fact that life is difficult and unbearable, our complaints about what we lack, stems from a lack of gratitude for what we have", Daniel Defoe
Here are a few entries from my journal:I am grateful to God for being alive and healthy, I have a house, food, clothes, and I have need of nothing.
I am grateful to myself that woke up at 6am, wrote morning pages, made practices, and prepared a delicious Breakfast.
I am grateful to my husband for love and support.
I am thankful to my son for the inspiration, the lessons of patience and warm breath on my cheek.
I thank my friend for a letter full of her feelings, laughter and joy.
I am grateful to our parents for the endless care of us and our son.
The power of gratitude cannot be overstated: it is a powerful transformation, completely changing the angle of view with a negative aspect of life into positive. And along with this change, and reality, allowing to happen is nothing short of miracles.
Should focus on the pleasant moments as life turns to face us.