A difficult childhood does not excuse, or do all the high window sills

still from the film the adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn

"We all come from childhood", "all problems come from childhood", "all psychological problems of the adult arise from the conflicts and stresses obtained in childhood". Very often and in different ways it is possible to hear such a statement. How valid is this position?

I believe that the modern practice of counseling greatly overestimate the significance of an early age. This does not mean to say that it is absolutely not important or significant. Of course, stretching from an early age grievances and experiences can and should understand. But very often in practice, there are situations when all attempts to resolve current emotional problems only to a "child conflict" and reduced. And this, in my opinion, has mistakenly often leads a person astray and ultimately reduces the final performance.

Indeed, when we were little, our life does not belong to us. In fact, underage is the property of its parents and how to do it - parents decide. In former times it was stated directly and unambiguously, in the modern civilized world, the rules has changed (that changed), but the essence still remains the same. The psyche of the child belongs to his parents, they develop it on your own and they are responsible for the result. And that's fine, it always has been and always will be.

People do not choose where to be born in the Palace or in the barn. People do not choose their parents. Good people are kids and the bad people, too, are children. And we can be that child. It is pointless to inquire to the heavens- "why me", "why, why me". No reason, just as the card went.

There are starting position, affect the primary balance we cannot that gave the play, we got one shot, moves to beat impossible. And the debut for us playing other players, they are randomly allocated, can be skillful or not skillful, competent or not competent to affect it we cannot. At some point we begin to allow for independent decisions, the more we do, you're more able to influence events in any direction. At this point, we already have drawn us debut, we may like may not like it, we are not responsible for these decisions. Although they directly affect our psyche and our lives, we took them, we implemented them, we pay them is not the answer. The rest is already our responsibility. And have to deal with what is, not as we would like.

Such rules of the game. The other will not. We subscribe to the fact of its existence, a different consent is not required. Tool - psyche, the rate - life. Have fun. The trunk gave a twist as you know. Like a machine gun, went to the musket? Sorry, random.

Not all parents are by default good. No, we are not required by default to be grateful for. Care and help, we have formal commitments to repay the debt. Love - no, not required, it depends on. And it may well be what exactly our parents our mentality was not the best way. The dominant hypercentralized alienated mom and indifferent dad. Or Vice versa. Someone has love for the Korean heat, someone perelyub and strangled in the arms. Too hard or demanded too indulged and pampered. Nurture inflated self-esteem and unrealistic demands to the world or a lower self-esteem and unrealistic demands on yourself. And so on and so forth.

But in that moment, when it happened, we were kids. We are not responsible for what has happened in our life. Our mind was not our property. But now we are adults. Our mind belongs to us, it's now our private and inalienable property. Forever. We have documents for ownership of his life, called passport. What used to happen with our brains - a fact, we are unable to influence them. But it was long ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago, thirty years. But what happens with the head now, we really can affect. Than to worry about a past we can't change, isn't it better to worry about the present, which we able to change?

And even if we accept that in the past it was all bad and awful. Or not quite terrible, but not very well. And suppose we made a mentality that we are not quite satisfied. Which is not adaptive, which is problematic, not works best, easily broken, seriously spoils life for us, we would like to fix it. And Yes, we are not her so did they. We're not to blame.

But still it is our own psyche. What is the difference, how and why it broke in the past, much more interesting and more important how to fix now? Therefore, the analysis of childhood injuries - the event of a deep secondary, not an end in itself and has value solely in terms of answering the question- "if we can draw from this analysis some useful insights?". The only criterion is the performance. You can disassemble the past, you can not tell, all depends on the answer to the question "why I need it and what practical benefit I can get?"

In psychotherapeutic practice that a lot. Therapeutic request can be very different, but in General, people are not satisfied with the work of his psyche wanted to solve the problem, but do not really understand how. Otherwise would not seek help. It is natural that attempts to fix the situation on their own, trying to figure it out, reading the popular psychological literature. And in pop psychology sounds massively that "all problems are from an early age, to deal with their children's psychological trauma". These views historically, come from the psychoanalytic tradition. Psychoanalysis very first and most ancient of the existing directions, the image disseminated by mass culture, everyone has heard about Freud, all seen the movies of the psychoanalytic couch, in the minds of people is still often equated psychoanalyst=therapist. This is not true, but it's not bad and not good, it's just a fact. That is what it is. And in psychoanalysis the concept of "internal conflict" is one of the key, and traditionally very close attention is paid to early childhood development and its impact on the adult psyche. And if third-party idly lyubopytstvom the reader has no difficulties, for the person who decided to understand the issue not just for the overall development, but who wants to find a solution to your problem, that is personally interested and emotionally involved, for it in the proposed model there are certain risks. People often excessively indoctrinate this "child concept" and the whole analysis, all understanding of one's own psyche comes down to this same "conflict and psychological trauma". In the end, spend a lot of time and effort and visible changes in my life as there was no and no. Because initially the question was not correct. Well, OK, I understood you with its ancient problems, after which it became better or not better, but initially what you want is to clarify the past or change the present?

Once again I want to stress that I do not deny the value of this approach and urge is to abandon it. Very often it can be useful. For example, when the key point of the problem is the relevance of old grudges, past events affect us, real enough the living dead, this person only unpleasant experiences and discomfort, and of no use. Then it is a task which should work. But it is useful to understand that the analysis of childhood is not an end in itself. By itself does nothing, it is not a solution. It's just a tool, one of many. Is useful, but also often useless, depending on the situation. But to fully immerse yourself in this model and to immerse oneself in the experience of childhood hardship is a false path.

Imagine that you have purchased with it the car. The machine is used. And let's say you are very happy with the way the previous owners she had been treated. Weight problems and malfunctions. Candles fills, suspension knocks, the door scratch, starter jammed. Well this went, no means to another. What now? You can continue to drive as is, lot of people does so. And you can endlessly offended by the previous owners that treated so casually and a good car ushatali. Or Vice versa, to understand and forgive. So, it is possible that, just why? What's the difference? The car is already yours. You decorated your property, you to use, you decide who else to trust management. She is who she is. And instead of having to worry about the operation's previous owners, is about as useful to correct the existing problems? The past doesn't change the fact that we think about this. There's nothing we can do. But with this we can do anything.

Everyone under the skull complex continuously trainable machine decision-making. Mammals are the most trainable of animals, primates are the most trainable of mammals, man is the most trained of primates.

System to learn and relearn all the time, not just in childhood. This is what we call "life experience", that's why "with age people become wiser". Of course not all and not always, but if a person no matter how reasonable their cognitive machine uses it, it has guaranteed results for a long distance. Always and without variants. Do something, get the result, good or bad. Do nothing - receive nothing.

And if, for any reason, we are not satisfied with how the system works, it is of primary importance to understand the mechanics of what is happening and to fix it. The system is not trained correctly? Answer: preaudit system. This can happen (and often does) due to "natural causes" and by "life experience", simply because over time with us is full of events, psyche in this event the array is trained and eventually corrects old mistakes. So we grow wiser with age, so our mind becomes more efficient. Or you can retrain the psyche directionally, this requires additional effort, it requires additional knowledge, but the result is obtained faster. You can wait for "teach life", but it will take time. Maybe 5 years, maybe 10 years. Or can be retrained to forced mode, and the same result will get a few months, six months or a year. In any case, we can with some probability to predict, but we can't know exactly what lies ahead of us, until we arrive in this future. We can affect the future, but can't be sure. We know the past but we can influence it. We have only the present.

That's why always say:

A difficult childhood does not excuse. We all have a difficult childhood. All wooden toys, all high sills.

It is an accomplished event. We can evaluate positively or negatively, but in fact the event is already neutral. It is useful to understand what happened, but it is useless to worry. published

 

Author: Pavel Beschastnov

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: stelazin.livejournal.com/