Holey identity or Why we are vulnerable

"I have a perfectly normal family, no obvious childhood trauma. The parents lived all their life together, cared for me. No divorces, deaths and other crisis situations. But I still can not understand why I grew up to be vulnerable...".

Sounds like this text from the lips of one client, the first time came to the reception.

And really, what actually makes us vulnerable? Why we long ago adults can experience the most different conditions — from anxiety and heaviness in the chest, ending a panic attack from claustrophobia and suffocation. And most importantly — all of this seemingly out of the blue!

Well, they said there is someone something unpleasant. Well, you never know who he is. Or met with someone's disapproval, was in a conflict situation. Why this is all so much influence on our health, leaving us for a long time of resentment, vulnerability, pain and self-pity?...

Injury, we do not see

I want to say that vulnerabilityis, of course, is due to psychological trauma.

When should something happen, something straining or even tearing, then it takes too long to heal and hurt, and then responding in different experiences.

Without the injury, the place will not hurt — in both body and soul.

Another thing is that trauma (as, indeed, physical) are very noticeable and are completely invisible. And I think if we didn't see the injury, it would, and was not. And it is not clear, then how did the vulnerability.

Experience instability, anxiety, vulnerability, resentment or anger, rage or disgust, anguish, pain suggests that there is a psychological trauma. But what and when it happened — just might be very unclear. This fact is usually deeply hidden in the psyche (and no wonder!) and is subject to unboxing Bereznik only in the hands of the therapist.

However, back to the client. She really didn't understand what exactly was injured. And only in the sense that the process of psychotherapy came to the surface, gave her the opportunity to let that slide and recall different situations like normal, but not childhood.

Holey identity

In the process of growing, at each stage, the child develops its identity. Actually, it is, how strong our identity will determine our resistance to irritants. If identity is blurred, that is, I don't really understand who I am, what I am, what I want, why and what to do in different situations, I am very easy to confuse. Because blurred or diffuse identity, I have nothing to compare came from outside information.

That told me that I'm a pig — and I really not know if this is true about me or not! Maybe a pig. And then, like, I'm starting to believe what is said, and take offense at it. And to bleed.

So, identity is brought up from childhood. And it is formed in the reflection of ourselves in other people. Nothing else. And who are the people most holds us of time in childhood and thus "reflects" on us? Of course mom, dad, grandparents. Even brothers and sisters.

And here is interesting how we "reflect" mom, dad, and others. What words, in what form.

So much will depend in our lives as we reflected in the eyes of these people close to us and what is awarded as a result.

And this is a major mistake, commit the majority of parents, grandparents, and unconsciously commit. They talk about their children and grandchildren value judgments. Not descriptive as it should be to form a healthy identity, the child, and assessment.

That is, instead tell the child that "you're jumping and running, excited and loud," they say, "you are worn around the apartment like mad, like crazy!". Catch how to form a child's identity in the first and in the second case?..

In the first case the child itself is characterized by the following: I am active, running about, excited and loud. Me so I accept. In the second case like this: "I'm crazy when running around the apartment, I can break my brain to go crazy and for me, it will reject and not strongly approve".

Here you have a vulnerability.

And imagine thatthese words ("stupid as the Siberian valenok!", "mutt, I don't understand!", "what are you wearing like a prostitute!", "you have a pain in the ass", etc.) the child throughout his life hears a million times from different important people for him, which he implicitly trusts!

Here you have it.

Of course, parents behave like that too not from good life, but because they were treated in a similar way. And then from generation to generation this wounded and vague identity, full of holes like a sieve, which flies all that is not falling. All the garbage that flies past.

After all, if I knew for sure that he is noisy and running around, so active, aggressive, good enough and accept what is already in adulthood extraneous phrase "what are you shouting" or "shut up!" he wouldn't have had such influence. He knows that he's okay. It is rather with those who say that something is not right!

Sweet poison of praise

Incidentally, the value judgments that we are stuffed with harmful, even if they are sweet and positive.

For example praised the child is flattered that he is such a beautiful, skillful, all of it always turns out, good student, excellent student, first in class skiing, chemistry and biology, always active, clever and witty...

And that trap! Because identity is important to just be reflected.Non-judgmental. Why psychologists when consulting, try to repeat the words the client is very close to the text of the author, not to evaluate, and to reflect that notice (and learn it over the years)?!

Because to help form a healthy identity of the client. What did his parents when they tried to assess. Indeed, any rating, good or bad, always under a assumes some kind of norm. That is, some level, a condition that must be satisfied.

Now, if this is the boy suddenly will become the first in the class in chemistry, and second... because it will not be so flattered! Explicitly say — "but Vic now first!". And if the boy will be all any chemistry, at all will cease to be, forget all the formulas and begin to get two?.. As he then will be reflected in the eyes of family?..

So we get output like zagalnogo child, and comes to psychotherapy such adult — anxious, controlling, thin and completely miserable...


Daughter didn't love and a heavy burden of family secrets

Breaking intuition girl starting from birth


Therefore, in psychotherapy we are gradually and carefully trying to patch these holes in identity. Thus, the acquired internal resistance, reduced the threshold of vulnerability, comes a healthy sense of ease and happiness! published


Author: Elena Mitina


Source: elenamitina.com.ua/publications/dyryavaya-identichnost-ili-pochemu-my-takie-ranimye.html


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