Articles in the genre of "Self-help" recently there have been very many, but homegrown advisers and "experts" sometimes suggest us what to do not, under any circumstances. Especially when it comes to family relations.
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In fact, people differ not due to the fact that someone paired not suitable partner horoscope or says little compliments. Studies show Paul Amato and Denise of Previti, the causes are usually quite different. 21.6% of marriages fail because of infidelity of one partner, 19.2 percent because of the psychological incompatibility of 10.6% is due to the fact that one partner uses alcohol or drugs, to 9.6% — due to the fact that the partners are moving away from each other. Physical or psychological violence becomes the cause of divorce in 5.8% and 4.3% respectively.
Researcher John Gottman Psychology Today says that the basis of all our habits. And there are at least five toxic habits, which lead to a break once loved each other partners. These habits.
The regular charges
This phenomenon in psychology called "causal attribution": this is when any problems in the family of one of the partners communicates with the personal characteristics of the other. "You never listen", "You're always too busy" or "That's so typical of you".
The work of Frank Hinchman and Thomas Bradbury shows that if there are such generalizations and insults is falling apart the most stable marriages. Habit to associate the problem with all the traits of the partner quickly leads to emotional withdrawal.
The first sign that your pair is inherent, — the inability, for example, consistently act on the road. The driver-husband, for example, asks the passenger-wife to look at a map and tell him where to turn. At some point they both realize that they were going in the wrong direction. The husband immediately begins to accuse his wife that she is "so stupid that you cannot understand the map," and she answered fiercely replies that her husband — himself an idiot, and she explained everything correctly. In General, the GPS Navigator can undermine any relationship and often is the cause of the quarrel.
The inability to speak
If some situation causes irritation of one of the partners, and he refuses to discuss it, it can become a big problem. First she asks him a question. He is sulking and not responding. Then she raises her voice, he stands and says, "I'm tired of your tantrums. I'm leaving." And out of the room.
This model is quite common and its repetition can serve as a faithful forecast of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce or even physical violence. This is one of the most common behavior patterns: the husband complains of the "constant nagging" wives, and that, in turn, feels that ceased to be interesting for my husband.
If the situation is repeated often, marriage is almost guaranteed to fall apart.
No exchange stories
A famous study by Arthur Aron shows that stories the stories of everyday life and habit to ask questions to the interlocutor is an important part of "commitment" relationship. If husband and wife cease to share with each other stories from work, or in relationships with friends, marriage is dead.
Worst of all is that it happens more often — blame electronic gadgets. The success of a marriage is when the parties show interest and care towards each other. If you cease to pay attention to what is happening in the life of a spouse, your marriage is definitely in trouble.
Forgiveness is just words
Oral statement of forgiveness may not respond to reality. The words "I forgive you" often signal that no one is actually nobody forgave, and whenever the next encounter this resentment will come out. The abuser feels his partner does not know how to forgive, and the "victim" — that the partner constantly and only does what it seeks out the faults. If someone from the family does not know how to forgive, the relationship will be difficult. Or fall apart, that even more likely.
Incorrect allocation of responsibilities
A very common situation: the husband goes to work and the wife doing house chores and children. First it seems that he has to live harder, the second one suffers from loneliness, poor self-esteem and constantly feels very overwhelmed, but no one appreciates. Both criticized each other for being lazy and that the poor cope with their responsibilities.
Strictly speaking, no problem in the fact that the wife was moonlighting as a freelancer, and my husband was washing dishes, no. But templates often copied from parents can ruin a marriage.