I bet you can do without disputes

My position in relation to disputes is quite categorical: I sure do not need to argue with anyone, ever.

There is a very reasonable rule of territories, as proposed by N. And. Kozlov: if the question is in my area, there's nothing to argue, I decide. If the question is on the territory of my interlocutor and of no concern to me, this question is not mine, this issue should be solved only by my companion — in this case also the controversy is misplaced. If the question on our common territory, the both of us, then binding negotiations, the normal peace discussions, but the talks and discussion is not an argument. If the question on neutral territory, does not concern me, nor you (like "is there life on Mars?"), what to argue about this? If the topic is not important to anyone, it is better to spend time on something more useful than talking about unimportant things. Of course, if you want to entertain a dispute, it is possible to argue, just have fun other. In addition, I am well aware that disputes often give rise to not the truth, and conflict.

Here is an example:

Between the two spouses entered the dispute, who now washes dishes: the husband or the wife. The result is battles lasting about half an hour, by the way, a potentially good time, the wife gives up, being crushed by arguments, sometimes assaults and insults, or is simply tired of the dispute, and goes to wash the dishes. Inside her the feeling of loss and resentment. You think the husband won and happy? Of course, the euphoria of his imaginary victory will last 10 minutes, what's he done that's won the argument, what happens then? He will feel an internal pang of guilt for what his wife is sick and what he told you, and if you look to the future, this conflict is not any strengthen their relationship, therefore, the short-term win but long term loss. Both lost.

If you disagree with me, I will not argue with you. And if you agree, then the main question remains: how not to get into disputes? How to prevent them? Or, if we noticed that the dispute had already started burning how to translate it to a normal civilized discussion? I am ready on these issues to share their experiences. My recommendations on how to reduce the number of disputes in my life:

1) be Sure to be in a state of calm presence, then You will be excluded debate on emotional grounds. When you reside in this state, do not forget that Your face needs to be a friendly smile. During the emotional intensity people interpretiruya calm face as negative, so the smile will be the topic.

2) pause before answering the other person and not interrupt. Pause for about 4 seconds, if you feel that emotionally start or think that he is wrong. Here, the interviewee will speak out, because quite often, seeing such a pause, he continues the monologue, slowly cooling down. Yes, and You do not give vent to emotions, as focused on maintaining the pause.

3) Listen and hear the other person. Yes, most of the disputes is due to the fact that people simply only hear themselves. Hear the interlocutor, perhaps you are arguing about the same hand, but he defends it on the palm side, and You on the back side. Will help you with this exercise “repeat verbatim” and “Internal translator”. Also don't be afraid to ask the person if something is missed or not heard, 5 times is better to ask again than to miss an important moment and bet half an hour. Additionally, a good technique is after each his phrase to ask “what do you think?” the conversation becomes at once warmer and clearer.

4) Mark disputes of other people and think, how would You have reconstructed their conversation, to avoid dispute. This will help in further work. Therefore, after work on the disputes of others, start to follow her: count the number of disputes per day, draw your own conclusions on any dispute and rebuild the conversation on paper or in my head.

5) Find people who will make sure that You do not argue. For example, ask them if they notice a dispute with Your participation, they receive for every find 50 rubles.

6) In any conversation looking for something I can honestly agree. Will help you with this exercise “Total YES”. An example of a potentially controversial conversation and answer:

— You know, I think most women are bad at cooking, I bet you're one of those?

— I'm really a bad cook Peking duck, but the soup I get is just gorgeous.

7) Sometimes in a family, the applicable method of dispute resolution through responsible, for example, the wife responsible for order in the house, if there is disagreement about this zone, it first attempts to find a consensus, if it is delayed, the wife makes the decision. Similarly, if the husband is responsible for the area of Finance, and the wife wants, for example, to buy a fur coat, and her husband says that the budget this month will go down if you buy. Either they come to a consensus, for example, in the following month or will buy more just now, but down jacket, or an old coat could not fix, or if none of the options did not fit his wife or severely delayed communication, the word husband is crucial.

8) Finding a dispute, to transfer the decision on it, for example, for the evening. And until this evening, you need to consider in a calm state of each other's positions, and to prepare each of the 2 sides compromise solution. By the way, most of the disputes transferred for the evening, people don't remember, so they were not so important.

9) If the subject is not critical for You, simply agree, and if reasonably principled, then get cultural negotiations using the tips 1-8. Remember, relationship is more important. But what if everything is always fundamentally? Additionally, you need to work with beliefs. And every once in a dispute need to take a pause, for example, to evening, to which, in addition to finding compromise solutions, we must also comprehend why this decision fundamentally for You and, if it were principal, what would change in Your life.

Use these tips no matter whether You make use of only one or all at once, the result will be anyway, so don't hesitate to immediately implement. I propose to begin with the observations of spores of other people and counting the number of their disputes on the day, and then move on to other items.

Now, remember what was striking controversy this week, how would You behave with the knowledge from this article. You will succeed!

Remember, the only way to win the argument is it not to start. Author: Oleg Glagowski

Source: www.psychologos.ru/articles/view/sporimzpt_mozhno_oboytis_bez_sporov_vop_zn_