46
How we reject each other
Let’s talk about the idealization-devaluation relationship. This is when the object is first on the “eroplane”, and then, due to some circumstances, in the dumpster.
It starts sweet. We fall in love. It does not matter who: a man, a woman, a blogger, a country or a restaurant.
Falling in love, we seem to sit opposite and begin to look at the object of adoration with wet passionate eyes. We wait. We are waiting for the return passion, of course, and we also expect it to match.
From a loved one in this case, we expect compliance with the following list:
That he always wants to be with us; that he always wants to be with us; that he must always be with us; that he will always be with us.
That he knows what we think and what we feel. In extreme cases, we expect him to know what we are doing, even though we are silently on the other side of the city or planet.
That he always looks, thinks and feels the same, that he will not change, but will remain the way we love him. For example, that he will always be sick or always healthy; always handsome or always unlucky.
What he always has, what to feed us - in different senses of the word;
He is always happy with us because we are always happy with him. That he will forgive us all, because we will forgive him all, and in general there can be no account between lovers;
That there is only us, you and I, and the rest should not exist; in his life the rest should be pale unreal shadows that cannot prevent us from being together, interfering in our communication, influencing him in any way and having meaning for him.
That he should always be in sight, on communication, in contact; he should respond to texts immediately, to calls immediately. If it disappears for a while, we become like a one-year-old child whose mother went to the toilet, closed the door behind her, and perhaps it was washed away into space and she will never come back; we scream, cry, whisper, scrape on the door and Skype, pick it up from wherever it hides.
That he has no other segments in his life that are as significant as our love affair; that his friends, work, children, and parents don’t matter; and how can he change the slightest opportunity to be with me for a good night’s sleep or gym?
That he is powerful and magical, that he knows everything and will cope with everything, that he will understand everything exactly as it should; that he will save us or let us save him.
He is the best, the noblest, and the most-most; and even if he shows obvious signs of inconsistency with the highest rank of himself, we know that there, deep and deep, he is a knight, a hero, and a princess, according to sex.
It's like if we had red and black patches. Red is love, black is anger, aggression, and so on. For any movement of a beloved creature, we extract a red silk patch from the air, whisper, iron and touch, put in a special box. Look, we show him: whatever you do, everything is fine, I have only red, so beautiful and tender patches for you.
And we hide aggression. Behind you, in a box of black flaps. Real relationships are not sweet cooing of doves, there is irritation, and resentment, and anger, and rage. But in this case, we don't show them, or we show them for a second, and then we hide them again. But save, save, “yes, no, I’m not offended, it’s okay”, “no, I’m not angry with you, that you, baby”, and fold, put behind your back, in the “black” box.
But in a relationship there should be a place of discontent and aggression, they can and should be learned to release in small portions, sometimes entering into a controlled conflict.
... Be afraid of too great delights in relation to yourself from the partner and vice versa, and in general - delights and aspirations, there is no sober look at things; be afraid of sweet slushyukaniya and flattery; be afraid of “you are good, I know”, “you are the most wonderful”, “you are the best”; be afraid of “I love you, and you!” Too sweet, happy, intoxicating, perfect. Be afraid when the connection corresponds to Bridget Jones Syndrome: 29 texts a day, in each "favorite", and if not, it is the subject of disassembly, grief and gnawing. Sooner or later, this pseudo-love will be followed by true rage and rejection if you write only 28. Disappointment will not be forgiven.
Fear when they say you have disappointed me. It means there was a charm of a great power, and what was invented about you, God knows it.
I was on different sides of this wonderful story. I was put on a pedestal, and I was put. Standing on a pedestal is very tiring, I confess to you: you have no right to scratch or get tired. In front of you sits a loving creature, and in front of him stands a box with red silk patches. You get irritated – they immediately pull out a red patch and say: you are just tired, rest; you dig into an empty place and generally behave like a pig – on a red patch they lovingly write “baby” and put it in a box. I did the same, and I can only sympathize and apologize to those who were tired of the exorbitant expectations listed above.
So, since they wait so patiently and so passionately demand, then it does not matter, then they love, right?
Yeah, hell no.
Look behind that idealizer.
It's not a box, it's a box with nasty black rags.
It's piling up. Such a beam covers everything, every word, look and gesture. Everything somewhere there records himself, before you shakes the red most delicate cloth, behind his back hides a black flap, first scorched by disappointment, and then hate. Your simple “don’t want” in response to the offer of a coffee makes them pour tears or break relationships, and fold, put in a drawer behind the back of the black patches. To one day dump them under the feet of a former loved one - know, bitch!
And when everything sobs and there is no more strength to carry the load of other people's expectations, or you just - just do not catch up on time and accidentally screw up ... For example, you will not be able to guess the mood of the beast once again, or you stubbornly “do not want” to marry a beast... Well, you cannot or do not want this: be with me always you are by my side; I am you, you are I; I recognize you out of a thousand and other inhuman things. And you are just a human being, an ordinary person, and this unexpected truth suddenly appeared before your partner in all disappointing clarity.
That's when you roll out a prefix the size of the Sayano-Shushenskaya HPP.
Not consciously in most cases and not intentionally. It's just that these guys have polar thinking. Either red or black. Either you're an asshole or you're a prince. To hold both poles in consciousness means to learn to realize the fact that a real, very ordinary person and nothing human is alien to him; to respect his boundaries, and at the same time to feel his own.
A multipolar rather than polar perception allows us to be tolerant of the shortcomings of others and to evaluate relationships realistically and soberly. It allows you to maintain long-term relationships with loved ones and friends, forgiving them many things, not expecting from them what they can not give, and, attention, treat yourself with patience and do not expect great things from yourself, but just do what happens. And this, in turn, allows you to learn to be relaxed and tolerant.
In the meantime, or red. Or black. You're either on an airplane or in a dumpster.
In such a relationship, you as a partner and as a person do not mean anything; you are not seen and do not know the present; you are judged by the degree of conformity with inner unrealistic expectations. In fact, you are a walking function to ensure the feeling of internal security of your partner, and if you do not perform this function properly, you are first tormented by demands from the list, then thrown out. From this relationship there is always a taste of lies: still, you lied, smiling, for so long, you admired and swore in love. You thought it was okay and it was bad and it was bad for a long time. Before you there is an angry, vengeful and vindictive fury, and you will long do around you searching movements with your hands: “Everything went somewhere, nothing remained.”
Such clients in therapy can and should be guided through a series of tolerable little disappointments. It is easy for a therapist, especially a beginner, to succumb to admiration and admiration in the eyes of the client: after all, the figure of the therapist already has a special aura, and if the client is inclined to idealization, then he least expects to hear from you “don’t know” or “don’t understand”. Hence, there will be a great temptation in a session with this client to “know and understand” everything until you find that you have that exorbitant list in front of you. The payoff for not conforming to the ideal image will be unexpected, great, and with sadistic components, as well as in his relationships with other people.
There is no way to talk about the traumas that cause this bundle and cause us to idealize each relationship over and over again, and then devalue it. This is a topic of therapy work, not blogging.
The only way I can help those who fall into this bind and destroy one relationship after another is to try not to idealize the partner at the beginning of the relationship and not to devalue him when something does not work. Be gentler, more patient and more honest with yourself and your partner.
PS: the list of requirements corresponds to the list of what the child under the age of one and a half expects from the mother.
P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world!
Join us on Facebook, VKontakte, Odnoklasniki
Source: ulitza.livejournal.com/285389.html
It starts sweet. We fall in love. It does not matter who: a man, a woman, a blogger, a country or a restaurant.
Falling in love, we seem to sit opposite and begin to look at the object of adoration with wet passionate eyes. We wait. We are waiting for the return passion, of course, and we also expect it to match.
From a loved one in this case, we expect compliance with the following list:
That he always wants to be with us; that he always wants to be with us; that he must always be with us; that he will always be with us.
That he knows what we think and what we feel. In extreme cases, we expect him to know what we are doing, even though we are silently on the other side of the city or planet.
That he always looks, thinks and feels the same, that he will not change, but will remain the way we love him. For example, that he will always be sick or always healthy; always handsome or always unlucky.
What he always has, what to feed us - in different senses of the word;
He is always happy with us because we are always happy with him. That he will forgive us all, because we will forgive him all, and in general there can be no account between lovers;
That there is only us, you and I, and the rest should not exist; in his life the rest should be pale unreal shadows that cannot prevent us from being together, interfering in our communication, influencing him in any way and having meaning for him.
That he should always be in sight, on communication, in contact; he should respond to texts immediately, to calls immediately. If it disappears for a while, we become like a one-year-old child whose mother went to the toilet, closed the door behind her, and perhaps it was washed away into space and she will never come back; we scream, cry, whisper, scrape on the door and Skype, pick it up from wherever it hides.
That he has no other segments in his life that are as significant as our love affair; that his friends, work, children, and parents don’t matter; and how can he change the slightest opportunity to be with me for a good night’s sleep or gym?
That he is powerful and magical, that he knows everything and will cope with everything, that he will understand everything exactly as it should; that he will save us or let us save him.
He is the best, the noblest, and the most-most; and even if he shows obvious signs of inconsistency with the highest rank of himself, we know that there, deep and deep, he is a knight, a hero, and a princess, according to sex.
It's like if we had red and black patches. Red is love, black is anger, aggression, and so on. For any movement of a beloved creature, we extract a red silk patch from the air, whisper, iron and touch, put in a special box. Look, we show him: whatever you do, everything is fine, I have only red, so beautiful and tender patches for you.
And we hide aggression. Behind you, in a box of black flaps. Real relationships are not sweet cooing of doves, there is irritation, and resentment, and anger, and rage. But in this case, we don't show them, or we show them for a second, and then we hide them again. But save, save, “yes, no, I’m not offended, it’s okay”, “no, I’m not angry with you, that you, baby”, and fold, put behind your back, in the “black” box.
But in a relationship there should be a place of discontent and aggression, they can and should be learned to release in small portions, sometimes entering into a controlled conflict.
... Be afraid of too great delights in relation to yourself from the partner and vice versa, and in general - delights and aspirations, there is no sober look at things; be afraid of sweet slushyukaniya and flattery; be afraid of “you are good, I know”, “you are the most wonderful”, “you are the best”; be afraid of “I love you, and you!” Too sweet, happy, intoxicating, perfect. Be afraid when the connection corresponds to Bridget Jones Syndrome: 29 texts a day, in each "favorite", and if not, it is the subject of disassembly, grief and gnawing. Sooner or later, this pseudo-love will be followed by true rage and rejection if you write only 28. Disappointment will not be forgiven.
Fear when they say you have disappointed me. It means there was a charm of a great power, and what was invented about you, God knows it.
I was on different sides of this wonderful story. I was put on a pedestal, and I was put. Standing on a pedestal is very tiring, I confess to you: you have no right to scratch or get tired. In front of you sits a loving creature, and in front of him stands a box with red silk patches. You get irritated – they immediately pull out a red patch and say: you are just tired, rest; you dig into an empty place and generally behave like a pig – on a red patch they lovingly write “baby” and put it in a box. I did the same, and I can only sympathize and apologize to those who were tired of the exorbitant expectations listed above.
So, since they wait so patiently and so passionately demand, then it does not matter, then they love, right?
Yeah, hell no.
Look behind that idealizer.
It's not a box, it's a box with nasty black rags.
It's piling up. Such a beam covers everything, every word, look and gesture. Everything somewhere there records himself, before you shakes the red most delicate cloth, behind his back hides a black flap, first scorched by disappointment, and then hate. Your simple “don’t want” in response to the offer of a coffee makes them pour tears or break relationships, and fold, put in a drawer behind the back of the black patches. To one day dump them under the feet of a former loved one - know, bitch!
And when everything sobs and there is no more strength to carry the load of other people's expectations, or you just - just do not catch up on time and accidentally screw up ... For example, you will not be able to guess the mood of the beast once again, or you stubbornly “do not want” to marry a beast... Well, you cannot or do not want this: be with me always you are by my side; I am you, you are I; I recognize you out of a thousand and other inhuman things. And you are just a human being, an ordinary person, and this unexpected truth suddenly appeared before your partner in all disappointing clarity.
That's when you roll out a prefix the size of the Sayano-Shushenskaya HPP.
Not consciously in most cases and not intentionally. It's just that these guys have polar thinking. Either red or black. Either you're an asshole or you're a prince. To hold both poles in consciousness means to learn to realize the fact that a real, very ordinary person and nothing human is alien to him; to respect his boundaries, and at the same time to feel his own.
A multipolar rather than polar perception allows us to be tolerant of the shortcomings of others and to evaluate relationships realistically and soberly. It allows you to maintain long-term relationships with loved ones and friends, forgiving them many things, not expecting from them what they can not give, and, attention, treat yourself with patience and do not expect great things from yourself, but just do what happens. And this, in turn, allows you to learn to be relaxed and tolerant.
In the meantime, or red. Or black. You're either on an airplane or in a dumpster.
In such a relationship, you as a partner and as a person do not mean anything; you are not seen and do not know the present; you are judged by the degree of conformity with inner unrealistic expectations. In fact, you are a walking function to ensure the feeling of internal security of your partner, and if you do not perform this function properly, you are first tormented by demands from the list, then thrown out. From this relationship there is always a taste of lies: still, you lied, smiling, for so long, you admired and swore in love. You thought it was okay and it was bad and it was bad for a long time. Before you there is an angry, vengeful and vindictive fury, and you will long do around you searching movements with your hands: “Everything went somewhere, nothing remained.”
Such clients in therapy can and should be guided through a series of tolerable little disappointments. It is easy for a therapist, especially a beginner, to succumb to admiration and admiration in the eyes of the client: after all, the figure of the therapist already has a special aura, and if the client is inclined to idealization, then he least expects to hear from you “don’t know” or “don’t understand”. Hence, there will be a great temptation in a session with this client to “know and understand” everything until you find that you have that exorbitant list in front of you. The payoff for not conforming to the ideal image will be unexpected, great, and with sadistic components, as well as in his relationships with other people.
There is no way to talk about the traumas that cause this bundle and cause us to idealize each relationship over and over again, and then devalue it. This is a topic of therapy work, not blogging.
The only way I can help those who fall into this bind and destroy one relationship after another is to try not to idealize the partner at the beginning of the relationship and not to devalue him when something does not work. Be gentler, more patient and more honest with yourself and your partner.
PS: the list of requirements corresponds to the list of what the child under the age of one and a half expects from the mother.
P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world!
Join us on Facebook, VKontakte, Odnoklasniki
Source: ulitza.livejournal.com/285389.html
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