The girl, who was not the father

In today's world of us and it's sad. I grew up without a father, and I know what it is and how to live with it. My father was not alive, although even if it were, it is unlikely we would have talked to him. Although there are other cases when the father is, but it like as not. When there is no sense of paternal protection, when there is no sense that he loves you. When dad doesn't care how the children live, or when the mother does not allow him to manifest fully. When parents divorced and my mom is forcing children to take her side. When mom does not allow dad to participate in rearing children. There is a reason, when girls are "fatherless" even with living fathers!

I know a lot about it, not even theoretically, but from within. It's a huge chunk of my life, and not to share it would be wrong. I'll tell you the story of a girl who never had a father. My story.

 





 

When I was growing up, no father in the family was nonsense. For everyone but me. Anyway, that is the feeling I had. All the dads were – and sometimes "just any", but was. And I was not. Exactly. I think I was the only one in kindergarten and at school. And every time I was with a strange pity in his eyes gave out coupons for free food, strange whispering behind his back, and some teachers even "waved", they say, is what I take. Then I even learned to stop being embarrassed and ashamed, afraid of such questions, feeling kind of lame.

Then I felt like I was nothing from the other do not differ. Also two hands, two legs, live at home with mom, it's okay live, but for some reason, pity – me and mom. All her friends were married to someone a second time, but still. My friends were dads, and moms. One boy's dad was actually awesome – we all dreamed of the same, he loved to play with us when we came to visit showed us all sorts of performances and touchingly cared about everyone.

Probably, but then I thought about the fact that I don't have something important.

And then I began to pay more attention to it. I remember who I'm most jealous of in childhood. Girls, which in the garden came the Pope. Girls that daddy was waiting for the evening, hugged and sometimes carried in the hands. The girls, who only talked about their dads – and always with enthusiasm. Girls, dads who fulfills every whim of his Princess as I could at the time. Girls, which the Pope defended in any situation, even if it was to blame the girls themselves.

I protect and admire me there was no one. Dad my friends did not notice me, with their princesses. Grandfathers I never had. So to know what it is, when a man loves you with all his heart and just because I was not given. In my understanding, love and attention men needed to win, showing his ability. Love was only possible to win, showing some great results.

Dad had other "benefits". Mother, for example, could not fix my bike, no matter how trying. In the same way as me, it was hard for her to drag him up the stairs to the street. When I was bullied in school, I had no one to complain to. One time my mother came and stood up for me, but henceforth I prefer to handle myself, no matter how difficult. When my mother studied in the evenings, with me sat her friend, although I would like at this time to be with strangers, but at home. But the house was empty.

It seemed to me that I am no different from the other girls, but different. Very much. In many ways.

I have not had the experience of admiration for the man me

Relations mother and daughter. Mom's love is different, more strict, more demanding.

This fathers can show to the girl, that she is a Princess worthy of admiration. Which do not need anything to change in yourself enough to be myself.

I'm a Princess never felt. Therefore, special women's values I have ever felt.

I found it very difficult to accept compliments, gifts – just like that. I remember one boyfriend gave me a gold earrings with emeralds – with all my heart, but I never touched them, gave them to mother. I didn't feel worthy of such a gift, I thought that I'll just have to do something. At least – to marry.

I had prepared a script

Now even strange to remember, but at school I talked about the fact that I don't want to marry, the wedding dreamed of. I really wanted a baby – son. And was going to raise him alone. Moreover, sometimes jokingly (or not jokingly) among his friends he chose "father." Like, suppose I have a son, and then you keep walking.

While my friends harbored dreams of white dresses, romance and everything else, I dreamed of a life where me and my son. Just the two of us. Remember, even some sad poems and stories wrote about it. And came to the ridiculous, one guy that we had met, happened to find out about how I want a son. Joy started talking about how great we are married, we will have a son. Me so hard it jarred – what is he in my dream climbs? Why is he my son with their hands touching and calls "our"? I remember how rough cut, they say, is only my son, you have nothing to do with. He was in shock.

Girls at that time dreamed about how they would marry their beloved Bob, build a house, give birth to children. I never dreamed I was sure that I would give at least one son and will do a good career, so we in no way needed. My plan men was not at all (son, I, then, somehow, for the man is not considered).

And later, when I got married, our son was born, this scenario intensified. Started a quarrel, and thoughts on how well it would be my son and one, they say, why do we need his father? Even if the husband nothing was done (and in fact nothing terrible and was not), my brain came up with all on their own. And circumstances that is impossible to endure, and the hardships of family life, and the ease to be with child together.

Personally, it took me many years to make this scenario in my head and my heart to change, to cease to follow it, to stop listening to paranoid brain.

And learn to dream about something else – about a big full family with a wonderful husband and father, where he is the leader.

I didn't have the feeling that I was someone can protect

You know, that horrible feeling that there is no one to protect you. What you're for itself, as always. What if the man hurt you, he could get away with it, because mom will not be able to "stuff his face". If you're not of itself take care. No one will care. Never.

Remember how one of my friends was dumped, the class that way in ninth. It was nothing, then they just walked around for a pen. But when it learned dad – he was furious. Came to school and so spoke the poor fellow that he was afraid for a very long time to say something extra.

My other friend accidentally got pregnant at the Institute. Then her father called the knight in the kitchen talking, expelled from the house of women. And the next day a friend along with the future father carried a statement to the Registrar.

Each of them knew that if someone hurt you, she just has to complain to dad and he will do everything in his power to protect her. Me to complain there was no one. Mother load is not wanted. Had to hold it in, to digest, to protect themselves.

Then one of the men will say to me: "Why do you immediately rush to attack? Why do I have the feeling that you're always trying to defend themselves?"

What could I answer him? Only that to protect me no one else. Alas. Feminine qualities from this blossom, rather the opposite.

Growing up, I was looking for a father, and not her husband

Yes, girls who grow up without a dad, looking for a man with this purpose. To find it care to "lean on him the whole body" (and this is the first bell that you're looking for someone) that someone took the pen, pressed and never released. Nothing complicated, right? Not much I'm asking, just total care, protection and opportunities to be near him all the time as a little girl. At least somewhere in this world this should be implemented.

And then the problems begin. Because no man can replace us the father, our need remains unmet, relationships fall apart, crumble to pieces. The man in this case will be named all unflattering epithets, although his guilt in this and cannot be. He's not the dad. He's a man. And wanted to be a husband, not a father.

I'm too matured early and return to their "Girl" it was very difficult

I had no other choice, I couldn't remain a child in those conditions. I felt responsible for mom, and for myself. We was no one to protect. So I'm about seven years I sincerely believed that to protect my mom needs me – and when she was late from work, I went to meet her, worrying, as if it did not happen. It left its imprint on my character. Long condescending look at those who are able to act up and jumping for joy, receiving gifts. For those for whom natural to ogle, eyelash batting. I just do not know how and did not understand – why? My mom never did, because she had to grow up early.

The little girl inside of me was hidden so deeply that no one could hurt her. Along with it was mothballed many emotions and feelings.

Sometimes she reappeared often after a bottle of beer.

I don't know how to trust men

My beliefs about men were simple and in this world, unfortunately, natural. I believed that relying on them can – and have seen a lot of evidence for this, to trust them is strictly forbidden, because they cheat and hurt. In General, not people, and animals with horns. And by the way, the girls regarded them with these horns reward. At least to flirt with other men.

Needless to say that I did not help in family life? Control, total control – do all the husband did, how he did it, and why. Man – any – such mistrust and control are annoying. And deprived of inspiration to do anything for his ladylove. And heart for this lady to give is also not desirable.

And how terrible it was and it is difficult to give up their ideas about men, learn to trust, to take risks in this place (and suddenly he really fooled?), relax... not easy and very long I had to go this way. And to completely get rid of such mistrust is very difficult. In crisis and difficult moments it can again "suddenly" come to visit, then demand permanent residence. Time to see this "guest" and together with belongings to send back is not easy. Especially when included a generic program that you can't drive until you engage the mind. And the mind cannot be enabled because of the panic, which give rise to these same programs. Vicious circle – but in the end the same distrust.

I do not understand who they are and what they eat

When I got married, I realized that men don't know anything. Can onetime cook a tasty meal, but every day for me is torture. Absolutely do not understand their needs and nature. Yes there is – I do not think that men and women are different. That they may have different goals, objectives, qualities and needs.

Most of our quarrels with my husband happened because I demanded from him as from women (attention, care, tenderness), and at the same time as the hero of the film (courage, heroism, generosity).

An explosive mixture was obtained, which is impossible to combine in one person at all desire. For example, I, like many mums, I wanted to he was always there, helping at home and with the child, and earn enough for a living.

Of course, this was not taken into account and the nature of her husband. What the hell nature, if I want it that way? What do I care what you become as necessary to me! Why do man and it was very good. Yes, my idea of a perfect husband was extremely distant from life and from my husband.

And I didn't know how to communicate with him, did for him what I wish I acted the way I used to (and I used to behave with strange men).

I don't know how husband to cherish, to appreciate, to be grateful for. Couldn't listen to him and agree with him all the time arguing. Did not know how to ask for help, trying to do everything yourself. In this controlled, restricted, so God forbid he did any "Affairs". It is easy to see that these things did not improve the atmosphere in our family.

To be honest, sometimes I look at my Luggage that I had, and still happens in the head and do not understand – how? As it so happened that I got married? It's just the mercy of God, that with all this we are not divorced, although there was a close call! For all that, through what we both went through, we are still together and love each other. I, the girl without a father, could not find his father in it. I found it to be the best husband. And for this I had to learn to love his father the way he was. And any father for their children – the best.

For the sake of your husband and sons I had to take so many different therapies and processes! To see his father to give him space, let him into your heart. Or rather, to admit that he had been living there, and that's a place no one but him could ever take. It was painful and difficult. It was long, I periodically return back. But it was worth it.

I'm no longer the girl without a father. I'm a girl who wholeheartedly loves his one and only, the best for her dad.

Despite the fact that I've never seen him and won't see live. I found his grave thanks to her husband for help and support. I was there, in his homeland. Finally, I saw a photo of him, what he looked like. I looked into his eyes. There and looked at his parents. And I felt better. I have a dad. Despite the fact that he was alive, he didn't raise me, he still I have. It is part of me, like it or not. I do it to my mom or not.

And you know, when I was all of these processes, talking about my father and my mother was not accepted. A couple of common phrases and wording, nothing particularly pleasant. But one day my mom called me and said,

"You know, today I dreamed such a strange dream. I felt as if reconciled with your father. And I felt that you, our common daughter."

It was probably the most important for me the words, I listened and cried. And I still remember that feeling inside. Warmth, acceptance, and broken through the dam. It was like I was flooded with love.

And then I thought that sometimes – and perhaps often – my soul children can pretty much do to their parents. But not when trying to save them and heal. But when I want to heal themselves when in spite of everything go their way, even if parents are against it. When their hearts are opened and cleaned, it affects parents, too whether they want it or not.

For several years now I live differently. As a girl who has father and mother. In the heart. It gives so much energy, balances and soothes! And of course, this changes a lot – in a relationship with him and with men (and around me for four favorite men!).

I want every girl, whose father's place at the heart of a huge hole, found what he is looking for. The missing piece of the puzzle. Able to accept and love his father the way he is. And turn this sad and difficult Chapter of his life. published

Author: Olga Valyaeva P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! © Join us at Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki

Source: valyaeva.ru/devochka-u-kotoroj-ne-bylo-otca/