9 Reasons Why You Can't Get Rid of Your Complexes

Almost all of us have experienced feelings of insecurity, imperfection, or doubt about our own abilities. Psychological complexes are our faithful companions, which are often formed in childhood and pursued for many years. Despite various attempts to overcome them – books on self-development, psychotherapy, mindfulness practices – many continue to struggle with the same inner limitations, not understanding why the long-awaited liberation does not come.
In this article, we’ll look at nine fundamental reasons why you can’t get rid of your complexes and suggest specific strategies to overcome each of them. Understanding these factors is the first step towards a real, not an illusory, transformation of your self-esteem.

1. You work with symptoms, not causes.
One of the most common mistakes is to try to eliminate only the external manifestations of complexes without getting to their roots. For example, if you have a complex about appearance, a simple change of wardrobe or a new hairstyle will bring only temporary relief.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, most psychological complexes are formed between the ages of 5 and 15, when the approval of others is especially important, and affect the deeper aspects of identity.
Source: American Psychological Association (2023)

What do I do?
Keep a self-observation diary, tracking in which situations your complexes are activated. Gradually, you’ll notice patterns and be able to identify root causes, whether it’s childhood trauma, parental attitudes, or painful past experiences. Working with the root of the problem, not just its manifestations, is much more effective.

2. Neural connections continue to strengthen
The brain functions according to the principle “what is used, is strengthened”. As you repeat the same negative thoughts about yourself over the years, the neural connections responsible for these thought patterns become stronger. This is a neurobiological explanation for why getting rid of long-formed complexes is so difficult.

Modern neuroplasticity proves that even perennial neural connections can be rebuilt, but this requires consistency and regularity. Studies show that it takes 30 to 90 days of regular practice to form new neural pathways.
Source: Neuroplasticity and Behavior Change (2023)

What do I do?
Practice cognitive restructuring: Every time you notice a negative thought about yourself, consciously replace it with a more realistic or positive one. Write down these new words and repeat them daily. Complement the practice with visualization of success and mindful meditation aimed at accepting yourself.

3. Your complexes perform a protective function.
Paradoxically, psychological complexes often serve a protective function in our psyche. They can guard against frustration, rejection, or situations that are perceived as potentially dangerous to self-esteem. The subconscious mind resists their elimination because it is afraid to be left without this protection.
In psychotherapeutic practice, this is called “secondary benefit” – the unconscious benefit that a person receives from their problem. For example, an inferiority complex can “protect” against the risk of failure, because if you think you are incapable in advance, you will not try and avoid possible disappointment.

What do I do?
Determine what “benefits” your complexes bring you. Ask yourself, What good is it that I have this complex? What is he protecting me from? After realizing these functions, find healthier ways to meet the same needs. For example, if the complex protects against loneliness (by attracting empathy), develop healthy communication skills.

4. You surround yourself with people who support your complexes.
The social environment plays a huge role in the formation and maintenance of psychological complexes. Friends, relatives, co-workers, and partners may unknowingly (and sometimes intentionally) amplify your insecurity through criticism, comparisons, or even excessive care.
Mirror neurons theory explains how we “reflect” the opinions and attitudes of others. If significant people constantly point out your shortcomings or misinterpret your actions, it actively reinforces existing complexes.
Source: Social Mirror Theory (Mark Baldwin, 2022)

What do I do?
Conduct an audit of your surroundings. Make a list of people you interact with regularly and note how they affect your self-esteem. With those who negatively affect your perception of yourself, set healthy boundaries. Consciously expand your social circle to include people who support your growth and see your strengths.

5. You don't recognize cognitive biases.
Cognitive distortions are systematic errors in thinking that distort the perception of reality. They often underlie psychological complexes, causing us to misinterpret events and our own qualities.

Common cognitive distortions that support complexes include:

• Filtration When we only notice the negative aspects of the situation
• Overgeneralization When one bad event is perceived as part of an endless chain of failures
• Catastrophe The tendency to expect the worst of events
• Personalization Unreasonably accepting responsibility for external events
• Dichotomous thinking Perception of the situation only in the extremes of “all or nothing”

What do I do?
Learn the main types of cognitive biases and start noticing them in your thinking. When a negative thought about yourself arises, ask the questions: Is this thought based on facts? Is there a cognitive bias here? How would I feel if it was a friend and not me? Practice cognitive restructuring techniques regularly, questioning automatic negative thoughts.

6. You don't accept your vulnerability.
One of the paradoxes of overcoming complexes is that you must first accept your imperfections and vulnerabilities. Many strategies for dealing with complexes are actually based on their denial or disguise, which only increases the internal conflict.
Research by Brene Brown, a renowned sociologist and vulnerability researcher, shows that embracing one’s own imperfections is not a manifestation of weakness, but an act of courage that opens the way to genuine confidence and emotional resilience.
Source: The Power of Vulnerability (Brene Brown, 2022)

What do I do?
Start practicing self-compassion. When the complex is activated, do not suppress the emotions associated with it, but acknowledge their existence: “Yes, now I feel insecurity/shame/fear.” Replace self-criticism with understanding: “It’s normal to feel that way.” A lot of people go through this.” Regular practice of mindfulness and acceptance techniques will help you learn to coexist with your vulnerability without struggle.

7. You set unrealistic self-improvement goals
Often we set ourselves unattainable goals to get rid of complexes. For example, a person with social anxiety may decide to become a “soul of company” in a month, although such a transformation takes gradual steps and can take years.
Perfectionism and unrealistic expectations not only make it difficult to overcome complexes, but also create a new source of stress and frustration. According to the theory of psychological well-being, goal setting should take into account the current level of development and personal characteristics.
Psychology of Well-Being (Martin Seligman, 2023)

What do I do?
Use the principle of gradualism. Break down big goals into small, measurable steps. For example, if your goal is to overcome shyness, start by simply saying hello to a stranger before trying to speak in public. Celebrate and celebrate even small victories. Keep a progress journal to see how far you’ve come, even if it’s not as noticeable in everyday life.

8. You underestimate the role of physiological factors.
Psychological complexes have not only emotional, but also physiological component. Lack of sleep, malnutrition, lack of physical activity, chronic stress - all this can significantly increase anxiety and insecurity, making complexes more pronounced.
Research in psychoneuroimmunology confirms a close relationship between physical condition and psychological well-being. For example, a deficiency in certain nutrients (such as omega-3 fatty acids or B vitamins) can contribute to depression and anxiety by increasing negative self-perception.
Nutritional Psychiatry (Harvard University, 2023)

What do I do?
Pay attention to the basic aspects of your physical condition:

• Ensure 7-8 hours of quality sleep
• Include in the diet foods rich in antioxidants and omega-3 fatty acids
  
• Introduce regular physical activity (minimum 30 minutes 5 times a week)
• Practice stress management techniques (breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation)
• If necessary, check your hormone and vitamin levels – some deficiencies can mimic psychological problems.

9. You don’t integrate new experiences into your image.
Even when we make significant progress or receive positive feedback, the existing negative self-image often remains the same. This is because the new positive experience is not integrated into the self-concept.
According to the theory of cognitive dissonance, when a new experience contradicts established ideas about itself, the brain tends to reject this experience as an accident or exception in order to preserve the integrity of the existing picture of the world. This is why many people, after receiving compliments, think “I’m just lucky” or “they’re just polite.”
Source: Cognitive Dissonance in Self-Perception (Leon Festinger, 2024)

What do I do?
Keep an “achievement diary” recording all situations that contradict your complexes. For example, if you have a complex associated with intellectual abilities, record the moments when you found a solution to a difficult problem or received recognition of your ideas. Read these notes regularly. It’s also helpful to practice “consciously accepting compliments” – instead of automatically denying, just say “thank you” and let positive feedback be part of your experience.

Conclusion: the path to liberation from complexes
Liberation from psychological complexes is not a one-time event, but a long process of transformation. It requires patience, consistency and an integrated approach that takes into account all aspects of personality, from cognitive patterns to physiology.
It is important to remember that getting rid of complexes is not always a realistic goal. A more productive approach is to learn to live with them in peace, without letting them limit your ability to define your worth. Having realized the reasons why your efforts to overcome complexes may have been ineffective, you have already taken the first step towards real change.
If your struggle with complexes lasts too long or significantly reduces the quality of life, do not hesitate to consult a specialist. Psychotherapy, especially cognitive-behavioral (CBT), schema therapy, or EMDR can be an effective tool for dealing with deep-rooted complexes.
Remember, your complexes are not all of you. They are only part of your experience that can be integrated into a more holistic and accepting image of yourself.

Glossary of terms
Cognitive distortions
Systematic errors in thinking that lead to irrational judgments and distorted perceptions of reality.
Neuroplasticity
The ability of the nervous system to change its structure and function under the influence of experience, learning, or trauma.
Secondary benefit
The unconscious psychological benefit a person receives from a problem condition or symptom.
I-concept
A relatively stable system of human ideas about himself, including awareness of his physical, intellectual and social characteristics.
Cognitive restructuring
A psychotherapeutic technique aimed at identifying and changing negative or irrational thoughts.
Self-compassion
The ability to treat oneself with kindness and understanding, especially in moments of suffering or failure, instead of harsh self-criticism.
Psychoneuroimmunology
A scientific discipline that studies the relationship between psychological processes, the nervous and immune systems of the body.
Cognitive dissonance
A state of psychological discomfort that occurs when conflicting knowledge, beliefs or behavioral attitudes collide in a person’s consciousness.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
A psychotherapeutic technique that uses bilateral stimulation (usually eye movements) to process traumatic memories and negative beliefs about oneself.