Blame the parents

Here he met online a few publications, the General tone of which is: "Stop blaming the parents that you bought a bike and this is your problem. Psychotherapists do that to justify your vices."

I think I can understand what motivates people, usually educated and competent in their fields, to write. As a rule, such people have sufficient psychological and economic resources to cope with daily life without the help of experts in psychological health and did not apply to psychotherapists.

They are curious and do not go past popular articles in psychology. And in these articles for informational purposes sets out the reasons why people do anyway.

Among the reasons for this behavior are the three major: biology (temperament, state of health, especially the nervous system, genetics, etc, etc), social environment (culture, education, politics, ethics and morality, domestic social stereotypes) and, in fact, conditions for the development of emotional and behavioral reactions of the family on the younger person and how the child reacts to it.

These "three pillars" of our formation are inseparable from each other and closely intertwined. But the articles about the psychology writing psychologists. And you need to understand that they will first consider those causes of behavior that explores the psychology is.

When reading these articles may give a false impression that psychology is only concerned with explanation of the reasons why people are not happy with their lives. Involved, of course. Just as medicine deals with the explanation of "why my stomach hurts". And physics explains "why a stone thrown vertically upwards from the surface of the earth has all chances to fall on our heads".

Medicine is not only to explain why stomach hurts when he is sick, but also to engage in prevention and treatment. That is, tells us why you should not three times a day to eat chips and soda and eat unwashed vegetables, as well as treating existing diseases, to prolong human life and improve the quality of life itself.

Article of medicine intended for a wide circle of readers, tips on prevention, the causes of the disease, but offer treatment to contact the experts. Not to self-medicate and diagnosis. Why? Because the reasons of a particular disease in a particular person can be anything really.

All very individually. And although there are common treatment regimens of diseases, these schemes are selected based on individual patient response and contraindications that must be considered specifically with him. The medicine and the dosage that will suit a grown man, can be detrimental to the child or cause irreversible consequences in pregnant women.

I seem to have sane people there is no question about the need for referral to a specialist in the field of health, when the body that something is clearly wrong. Absolutely not "read the Internet", if health problems already exist. However, to prevent diseases that can be avoided, and in order to determine to what expert to address with the existing his problem, popular articles very useful.

This is not to say " It was an improper diet to blame for the fact that my stomach hurts and I can't concentrate at work, mad at the wife and in General that are much worse off than they could without pain in the stomach. I will continue to suffer because of wrong food ruined my life. Nothing to do, I suffer, and you suffer me the way I made the wrong food". Sounds a little silly, isn't it?

Now let's do a simple trick. In pedidoser example, change the word "food" to "education". "This is the wrong upbringing to blame for the fact that I have (substitute any problem, although a sick stomach, alas, too often the result of improper upbringing). And I can't concentrate at work, mad at the wife and in General that are much worse off than it could without (...) Nothing to do, I suffer, and you suffer me what I did wrong education". Often hear these words to you? If so, I suspect that this could be annoying. As perhaps annoyed by people who complain of stomach trouble, but nothing is going to change in his life that he was not sick.

So, people who want to get their stomach working again as it should, ideally, not only go to the doctor, are examined, to investigate the cause of disease and receive treatment, alter lifestyle and nutrition to improve the quality of life itself.

This may be long, it may be expensive but few will have any doubts that to live healthy is better than to live ill. Although there are people who do not wish to be treated, and think more "profitable" to continue to hurt. But there are still the vast minority.

Considered to be the absolute norm, if you go to the doctor-gastroenterologist about the patient's stomach. Doctors are different, but we know where to find them and how to evaluate the quality of treatment, and improve health. The majority of patients, probably gets the relief, otherwise the medicine would not be developing so rapidly, and life expectancy did not increase by so rapidly over the last century in countries with developed medicine.

in medicine there are many problems and the doctors can be of different quality. In addition, around medicine grazing a lot of charlatans. But immune to charlatans from medicine still, most people are. At least at the level of statements "From our treatment you will disappear hooves and horns and wings" people understand that there are Givens that medicine to change not.

For example, a new stomach to replace damaged, will not grow from a magic pill. If things are so bad, have to wait for a transplant and painful rehabilitation to extend the life. Although, again, a certain contingent of patients will be money to those who promise the impossible. Or drink the hydrogen peroxide because treatment is painful and expensive, and hydrogen peroxide is cheap and available, especially in the Internet that's good for everything...

When it comes to psychological problems, logic is starting to fail sometimes, even those who very well understands everythingabout medicine.

First, such a feature of psychological problems. When a person is in severe stress that exceeds the ability to cope with it, when a person's emotional storm, or Vice versa icing, start thinking tangible problems.

The most striking occur when the affective Suzanna conscious when in a state of extreme anxiety or rage, the person ceases to perceive even the most obvious signals from the outside world. But in a state of calm on the outside, some cause-and-effect relationship a man can not be tracked. And this leads to errors, whose number will only increase and cause even greater stress.

Secondly, it is not always clear to what expert to address. To a psychiatrist? Therapy? Therapy? Now and this, fortunately, write articles. But the problem of choice is very large. What are the challenges for education? Type of psychotherapy? The name of the Institute in the diploma?

Besides, more often internal conflicts are disguised as physical illness. People worked long and hard treats the stomach or the heart, but it turns out, he had such a reaction to the events in his life — current or past. To the right specialist — therapist — units reach of those who could get relief by this method. Although there are opposite cases, when patients need to spend at least a basic blood test to detect anemia, or a more complex analysis on hormones of a thyroid gland, sent to psychiatrists to "treat the nerves" due to "emotional problems", losing precious time for treatment of the underlying disease. But such cases are generally much smaller. Just due to the fact that our culture does not allow appeal to psychotherapists.

And that we have in such a culture? But the best we have culture. Culture is the love of parents.

Now tread on dangerous ground. I'm a parent. I have three children of their own, very different ways. And being a parent is the most responsible and the most difficult job among allthan I ever did. However, I believe that the order (strict order) the children love their parents — is harmful and dangerous, especially in the form in which we have implemented. Now I will try to explain.

The birth of a child is not always a conscious choice of two adults and responsible people. Ideally I would like it to be so. But it is often an emotional decision, chance, "in principle we were not against" "my parents want grandchildren", and million other different reasons.

From the point of view of biology, it is a simple fact of increasing population. Here is a community in which there are enough resources to Mature the people to the continued fertility. They have enough food, heat, space and security, so they multiply. And they reproduce.

Or, if rationality prevails over emotionality, control of reproduction with varying degrees of success. And sometimes there are children whose birth was absolutely undesirable. Newborn depend on parents 100 percent. He has no choice "to love or not to love your mother." If he is not with his mother, he will die.

Therefore, a healthy full-term baby uses all the data nature of the opportunity for my mother from myself don't let go. And my mother in turn, in most cases, responds to the high degree of response to the call of the child. However, if mother and child divided, isolated from each other at birth or later, the child is their dependence on an adult will save (this is important for survival, we remember), but the biological basis of attachment, the mother will be very severely disturbed.

Over millions of years of evolution nature has tried his best to facilitate the survival of the offspring, shaping the biological response of the mother, respectively, facilitating mother's choice problem "child to love or not to love." If this mechanism is destroyed (the separation, the illness of the mother, stress), humanity has developed another mechanism — consciousness, as the ability to predict the consequences.

Even without the support of the biology of a woman can be gentle and loving towards helpless, but very "eat up resources" to the child. However, it is given with great effort, what will tell you not every mother of the adoptive child. Because the requirement of "love child" in the culture is also present. And you can't admit that it doesn't happen "automatically" — blame that you have no "maternal instinct".

So, the love of parents to the child — not the absolute factor in the survival of a human baby. So parents can afford to raise children, not experiencing them emotional attachment, which we often refer to the word "love".

The love of child to parents — attachment is not only emotional, but also a "resource". The child uses all the resources of his family for growth and development. And like a flower tied to his soil and the baby tied to the resources of his family. The child may not be "ground" to their parents. May not be a "resource" of the family. Just in the nature of things.

By analogy with the plant if the plant has enough resources of water, light, minerals in the ground, it will bloom. The flower is "baby" plants. The plant can even the leaves to lose to give this flower a chance to develop to the position of maturity. All this flower can thank your "roots" is to give seeds that will grow a new plant.

The more healthy the plant, the more beautiful, the idea will flower. And the more chances he has to continue "kind" plants. If the flower as it fades, no one gardener will come to mind to blame it on the flower. He will likely think something is wrong with the plant. But the plant is not to blame generally that it is unhealthy. Something went wrong either when the plant is just starting to grow, or even a problem with the seed grain. That is "previous", "parent" plant.

In General,the demand and prescription for children "loving parents", most likely came from the fact that it is required by the parents themselves experiencing a deficit of emotional resources.

For example, they did not love their own parents. Or loved (that is, emotionally was bound), but, for example, had great difficulties with the rest — quality food, clothing. And the children don't have to understand a rational explanation, due to the underdevelopment yet the rational structures of the brain. They can make a mistake, "dad wouldn't buy me a bike" and "dad loves me" and not "dad's a music teacher, his salary barely enough to rent a house and feed my family".

Remember that a lack of resources the plant has flowers or not evolve, or disappear without the formation of seeds? Now try to think of examples when a young person is not a family, because his mother divorced with his father and devoted his life to the son and was very proud that such a wonderful son and loves his mom. Or girl has a career and she is not able to start a family, although she is gentle and loving daughter, every weekend, not on discos go, and cottage parents help?

And now back to psychotherapy. That's how many of those who never met with competent professionals, imagine this process. "I will come and complain about the parents? Well, Yes, they are not angels. Beat me in childhood. All were beaten. But not everybody has the same problems as me. And I condemn those who blames their parents. It's like that to wash dirty linen in public.

We are all human and my parents too. And all the mother is Holy. She loved me as best they could. And father, I don't blame, because he beat me, but he hung with me on airplanes. We had a lot of good, and I drove him to the tantrums, although he could remain silent.

I read your article and realize that I have codependency, I enter into relationships with dangerous men. So I decided not to date men, to focus on children. I don't want them repeating my mistakes. Really don't know what to do with your son, he is absolutely inattentive. Here, I threw a model airplane meeting".

In General, "parents need to love, and if I'm going to talk about bad parents, it means that I don't like them, and then I'm bad and blaming them." This position is a very good and responsible people. which therapy, quite possibly, could help to improve the quality of life. But not in the way they present.

There is absolutely no reason to complain about the therapist to the parents. Well, rather small. If the therapist is the first person you entrusted your secret that your parents weren't always perfect. Or even a good one. That is, those who are accustomed to complain of the parents, probably does not need any psychotherapy.

They have enough "nutritious" parents who probably though "improperly brought up," reaping the fruits of his education with his own, for example, to old age containing offspring who do not want to work, or pulling out the child from the infinite "aerial". Here, rather, the parents need psychotherapy. And then only in the case that these parents suffer from the behavior of the children, not proud and do not enjoy what we have the possibility "not to refuse children." A question of values and peace of mind!

In General, the idea that people agree to a long, often difficult and sometimes painful process of psychotherapy, pay it out of his own pocket with the sole purpose to complain about parents and to pass on to them the responsibility that is born from a misunderstanding of what mental pain is no less painful than physical.

People do not come to psychotherapy to "rage with fat". And don't stay in it because "it is fashionable". That is, perhaps, a certain minimum percentage of such customer exists. But I are not met. People come to therapy to change something. However, they often want "everything around me changed, and I haven't changed". I mean, give me a pill, which I have an old broken psyche will fall off, and new and elegant, it'll grow back.

And here we come to a sad moment. Few people believe in the miraculous re-growing a second head from the pill. But many who believe that you can "erase" one of his personality and history and re-write new ones. Faith in miracles is particularly strong in relation to psychotherapy. And this belief is successfully used by charlatans and frauds.

And if of medicine criteria "helped — has not helped" is often quite obvious, for psychotherapy it is not. Temporary relief of symptoms or improvement of the psychological condition of the person seeking psychological help may come from the fact that someone voiced their concerns. It can even be a psychologist, anyone. A fellow-passenger in the train.

But all that happens is the responsibility of two persons — the therapist and the client. The therapist, if he is honest laborer, and not a charlatan, I must admit that psychotherapy, as a method, has limitations, and contraindications. To talk about the advantages and disadvantages of the method. Orienting at least approximately how much time it can take, how much cost and what to expect, and what may never happen.


Inner loneliness

Again in the nest


The task of the client is the active choice of therapist is no less crucial than the choice of a dentist, to be active in the discussion of goals and objectives, implementing its scope of work, tracking their status and scoring his therapist. And if in this work sometimes there are "complaints of parents," it is often not what the client knows and remembers.

As a rule, most "ruin the lives" of those things that we emphasized in our previous experience. Or even preferred vycherknut this experience of consciousness, because of its intolerance. And these findings is also not a reason to complain. This is an opportunity to remember what decision I, as a child, preanal in connection with this experience. And the ability to take a new decision, as an adult and with adult resources.published

Author: Svetlana Panina




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