How you like to live?! Bashny.Net

There is a popular and a fairly obvious truth: people are different each other, we are not the same, and this inequality must learn to accept. Captain Obvious alert. These words are nice and easy to pronounce, feel very advanced and wise man: Yes, I recognize that the other person is not me, and that he has other than me, the interests. However, the collision with the reality of the Other (I almost wrote someone else's) is quite different, and often very heavy, on the verge of failing history.

Easy to admit that your boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, children/parents have passions and needs that do not coincide with yours. Easy when you have no need to share something with another person and with very specific. And it's hard when this need is. Then all the beautiful words are forgotten, and replaced by tolerance comes or the fierce desire to succeed, to beat, to crush or depressive melancholy, a closure and a feeling of complete hopelessness.

Often you notice parents who "suddenly" find that their younger or have already raised children does not fit into their idea of what should be children, or even are a way of life, far from even just acceptable. And the desire to have children grew "decent people" is, and this desire can be realized only children. Somehow I am a father fighting with his son, said: "He has the right to be anyone, but he has no right to be so!" and he did not notice the contradiction in his words. "I'm his/her, does not limit, but only if he\she fit into the defined frame".



The true realization that other people are created not in order to satisfy our desires (even our children) that it's not the toys who are required to respond to all our mental impulses, begins with this clashes with the fact that the other does not respond to our aspiration to it. Something we really want from another — and it doesn't bother him, or worse, disgusting. When the human striving for maximum reach, extending to the merger, it is a strong and sudden blow, a bucket of cold water over the collar. "As you like to live?!"

One of the earliest such "bucket of water" — the eternal parent "we're busy/we talk?", said the child, when he really wants to share something or to realize the normal tendency of the child to get into the conversation of adults, in which it is present. And it is quite normal that parents do not always respond that they are not always willing to set aside everything and everyone to turn around to the child — because it is one of the circumstances in which the child begins to realize that parents and adults in General, there are some other, their lives, and their needs, with a child not related in any way. This is unpleasant and frustrare is hurting — but this is normal and natural. Pathological is as permanent parents neglect their own otherness and isolation (ready at any moment to respond to any need of the child, even not expressed), and the constant disregard, during which the child receives a terrifying message: "you're once, you're always too much, you interfere, you better not be".

However, the need for intimacy with another person is so pronounced we have that, despite the "lessons" from their parents, the desire for unity and the desire to ignore differences, remain strong. And people dream about people, who in everything and always will be to satisfy this longing for close and native man. But the other person is not responsible for the fact that he ended up in our dreams and fantasies. And that he in these fantasies makes with us and with us. Distinction between a real person and apparatus for the satisfaction of desires leads to a blurring of the boundaries. And dream about a vacation in the mountains turns into a dream on a joint vacation in the mountains. No matter whether this vacation another, or he just hates the mountains. Dream of the perfectly clean apartment becomes a dream to all want this perfect purity and cleaned in the apartment. "How can a normal person not to want the ideal of purity?!" — outraged, for example, a young wife, shaking from my what to get you, and once a month.

The pain of discovering that something infinitely close and dear was suddenly alien to and rejecting, is so strong, and it is so difficult to withstand that often there are two forms of reaction to it. In one case, the experience of being in some important parts are very different and do not coincide, it becomes a kind of rust or acid, which quickly or slowly, but surely, erodes all relationships — even where there kind of was a coincidence. How can you live with "so stranger, what he likes/wants/knows..."?! Another option is to ignore the differences. They did not show. Never speak of their desires, and immediately ask what the other wants and answer in unison. "You wanna go to the movies?" — "And you?" "I asked first". Or "You want to go there and then" — "And you?" "Yes" "Then let's go." To find that we disagree — getting out of the merge, where there is no "I" and "you" and "we," but this discovery is always painful.

How to be? To unconditionally accept and love any features? But it is also the option of merging, and also the unconditional acceptance, in my opinion, is a mythological design, impossible in the real world. We definitely do not like something in another person or in his actions, and we have every right to feel about any feelings. Acceptance of the otherness of the Other is the refusal of trying something with this person make to eliminate the "drawbacks". Acceptance of the otherness of a loved one — the rejection of attempts to improve it, and the reliance on those features and qualities that are our resource. But if these qualities are not — why are we next?

In this world there is no man who could satisfy all our desires to be your everything. We are doomed again and again to find our parents, children, friends, loved ones, colleagues that are not just indifferent, but was unpleasantly surprised by its strangeness. And the most painful is the "surprise" becomes when it indicates: this person does not satisfy our need for, for example, pride, the son of the champion. It is for my son. Want. But he's the champion does not want to be. What can I do... One of the invaluable things which the patient learns in the course of psychotherapy, this border relations. He finds that he can get from others but also – and more important – what not to receive from others. published

Author: I. Yalom

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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