64
Motherhood is not the only calling of a woman.
Very often I come across women who don’t just give their all to their children, they close all other aspects of their lives – deliberately and deliberately. Or not quite consciously, but very decisively, according to the old generic scenarios and programs. After having children, I am no longer entitled to my own hobbies or creativity. I have to think first of all about children, and in any case give the last shirt to them and for them. And the husband, in fact, is only needed to conceive a child (sometimes after that he is thrown out as an unnecessary thing).
Many people think that this is what I call on all women in the world to have children and to give up on themselves. Forever.
When children are very young, this approach is justified. The need of an infant in a mother around the clock, it is impossible to quickly and for the future satiate, and indeed some things have to be removed in a distant box. For a while. That is, not to throw away, not to burn bridges, but to put aside, waiting for a convenient moment to return to this. Although not necessarily, it is much better to find opportunities to continue doing what you love. It is difficult, for example, with a two-year-old to paint oil at home. Just because he will definitely find it all and decorate the whole house with his creativity - try it later!
It is difficult to remember that you are not just a mother and not just a mother. But also the wife, for example. Or, more importantly, a woman!
I once told a friend of mine that you were a woman. She looked at me like I was crazy.
"Look at me! What a woman I am! I wear hair in a bundle: to wash and comb it less often. I don’t know much about cosmetics and fashion. I wear t-shirts that you can quickly get your breasts, and what is minimally dirty and not sorry to throw away. My husband gave me flowers the last time I was pregnant with my eldest, and I have nothing to talk about. My brain is diapers, cereals, nipples, classes and strollers. I weigh 10 kilograms more than I should. I have never been to a massage... ?
She talked, she talked, and at the end she cried. Because she herself knew that she had come somewhere wrong, that was not what she dreamed of and that was not what she wanted. Is that rare? Do we rarely make such mistakes? Nope. Often. Very often. We can get carried away, forget everything else, reject. And then we don't even know how to get it back.
Some girls meet a man, and erase their entire past life, wanting to start with a clean slate, he likes more, change everything. In the same way, many people plunge into motherhood. Especially since motherhood is for a long time, we will be actively engaged in it for twenty years or more. Such a complete immersion seems justified. But no.
After that, it is very much "accurate" - both herself and her children. I want to remember Tsvetaeva and slightly change the second line:
“The cry of women of all times:
Son, I did everything for you!
Here we include what you probably heard one way or another from your mother or friends:
And so are the lines that imply that you must now do what your mother wants (because your mother wanted to, but she didn’t, and now it’s too late), that you must return everything invested in you, that you must live as your mother says, and not otherwise.
Motherhood may be our main purpose, but it is not the only one. Yes, we receive a lot, we give a lot, but the rest of our personality also requires realization.
What happens if you refuse to do this, consciously or not? Let's talk about it in more detail.
Children become victims of the unrealization of their mothers
How many stories I’ve heard, I can’t even count. When my mother wanted to play the piano, but in childhood there was no such opportunity. It would seem - now you can - go buy a piano, sit down to study. But no, it is much easier to delegate your dream to a child. Go, daughter, play! So what do you want? I want to! This is my dream and you must fulfill it!
It is the same with ballet, dancing (especially sad when this dream should be fulfilled by a son who does not need it at all), career. You think only moms are like that? I know a dad who wanted to be a hockey player but didn’t. He had a daughter, a real girl, whom he stubbornly leads to hockey (and she escapes from there to the neighboring figure skating class). Although with mothers, of course, it occurs more often.
Moms hang their unfulfilled dreams and hopes around their children’s necks, and then constantly push them in the back, go, say, come on! At the same time, children have their own talents unfulfilled. That's how it can continue.
Children are more interested in living with complete personalities
What can a mother give her children, who, despite all the love for them and complete immersion in them, is unhappy? When she looks so herself, and even embarrassing to introduce friends? When you have nothing to talk to her about because she has no interest but to find out if you ate porridge and put on a hat?
Mom does not have to have a cool position and worldwide fame.
Even if she is passionately embroidered with a cross, and on weekends in winter to run on skis – the attitude to mom will be different.
The more interests and hobbies we have, the more we can give to children.
If our only hobby is shopping on weekends, then it becomes our only activity together with our children. We can only go shopping together and watch TV. All.
At the same time, I know mothers who are passionate about hiking, skiing, swimming, needlework of different kinds – and all this is somehow shared by their children. Not in full, and not always so deep. I remember a guy at school talking about how he and his mom and dad kayaked for a week. So much excitement and respect for the parents!
The kids will leave one day.
To let them go, we must have another life. At least a relationship with a husband who, God willing, will remain after their departure. If there is nothing else, the world will collapse. And then we will begin to live the lives of adult children, we will teach them how to live, how to properly swaddle grandchildren, what to call them and so on.
Having other relationships and hobbies in your life makes it much easier for you to let your children go into adult and independent life. If this is only one of the tastes of our happiness (albeit in some places the sweetest), we will not die of hunger after that. And I know many who have started a “new” life with the release of their children, full of freedom, creativity, hobbies and joy. Yes, their minority. Most of them try to keep their children to themselves by all means. But we don't want to be like that, do we?
Children treat us as we treat ourselves.
Tell me, how do all those who threw themselves in a distant box treat themselves? How much do they respect and value themselves when they betray themselves so easily? They may demand respect, care, attention, because they cannot give it to themselves. Do they want to give them what they want?
Children are very clear about how we treat ourselves. I noticed that they were extremely dismissive of parents whose self-esteem was lower than the plinth, who had disappeared into their children, as if hiding from their own dreams and talents. Conversely, multifaceted and self-respecting parents, children adore and cherish.
Well-rounded mother, kinder.
It is the duty of a mother to feed her children with her energy. Where do you get that energy? Especially if the whole life is like a marmot, nothing inspires, no “want”, solid “need” and “should”. If the mother is interested and happy with herself, then she really has something to share. And not difficult, and to joy, and without tears.
When you know exactly how to improve your condition, when you have everything you need to do it – hobbies, pleasant communication, interests, creativity – you can stay filled in any situation.
And if you draw energy only in children (although logically it is your duty to give it), then who is this communication for joy and benefit?
A mother will not be able to maintain a relationship with her husband.
If we are obsessed with motherhood, we become very comfortable for men. But not interesting. In The Art of Being a Wife and a Muse, we talked about the fact that a good wife has five different roles, and “mother” is only one of them. Among them is the role of a daughter, and the role of a sister, and the role of a mistress, and also the role of a wife! It’s not the same as being a mom.
Many girls with the birth of children even call their beloved husband “dad”, and in response from the spouse receive “mother”. Only after all, this is a completely different relationship, in which it is impossible and a hundredth of what is fraught with a harmonious marriage!
Children create their lives according to our model.
If you have a girl, would you like to see her in twenty years? Would you like your son’s wife to look like you?
No matter how much we try to get away from our roots, the further we go, the more we look like our mothers.
It is no coincidence that mothers shout loudest to their girls that they have to make a career, walk as long as possible, see the world before they get into this “slavery”. These are the mothers who couldn’t save their own lives and think it’s impossible.
Hiding is much easier than being yourself.
Being a mom is comfortable in many situations. It does not require much courage, after all, society is used to the fact that almost everyone becomes a mother. Even within motherhood, you can remain “like everyone else” and not cause violent condemnations, assessments. To realize your talents, you need to be ready for anything. Criticism - justified and not, constructive and not very. Discussion, condemnation, various conversations. Is it always easy? Especially if we're not five years old?
I remember one mother who diligently promoted her daughter to the stage. The data of the girl was average (and her dreams were about another), but her mother did not give up. In almost every place, so much criticism was thrown at the baby, she was explained that her voice was so bad, she did not feel the notes, and so on. The girl cried, dreamed of quitting everything, but her mother stubbornly continued to make her a star. And only when the girl from all this plunged into a deep neurosis with a lot of manifestations, the mother was able to stop. A very good psychologist told her:
“If people told you that you were doing everything wrong, would you feel good?”
Dive into motherhood with your head is also safe. With all the social pressure on mothers, there is always a way to go unnoticed. Having started self-expression, you need to get used to the fact that you will be evaluated and discussed in one way or another. Even when we go to a regular job, we have to face the assessments, claims and expectations of other people. What if we want to create our own creativity? For fear of criticism, many choose to do nothing. And it is a pity that so many masterpieces were not born because of such cowardice.
We have other tasks.
For example, at the end of life, it is advisable to think not about how my daughter-in-law feeds my son, nor about when my daughters will be promoted. In the years of maturity, people used to go to monasteries, dedicated themselves to serving people and God, realizing that they would soon pass the final exam. Successful passing of this exam is by and large the goal of our lives. And the preceding events can help us prepare by taking the preliminary exams.
Motherhood is an important exam in the life of a woman, but still not the main one. Although it helps a lot in this preparation.
We came into this world one at a time, and we will leave one at a time, and we will not be able to take anything with us, only what remains in our hearts, such as the experience of motherhood.
And this is not all reasons to think about filling your life! Imagine that you are at a table, in front of you many different dishes, different taste, color, smell. Now imagine that there is only one dish at the second table. Even if it's cake or ice cream. Every day of your life, you sit at one of these two tables. Or you have a little bit of cake in your life, and you have the same cake for dessert. Or you eat the same thing, and no matter how much you love it, after a while even the cake will get bored and no longer bring pleasure.
This applies to any relationship – in this case we are talking about relationships with children, but the same applies to marriage. The more different relationships, hobbies, hobbies, activities in your life, the more complete and holistic it is. During the period when your husband is not in the mood, you can be filled in your creativity or relationships with friends. When kids grow up and want more space, it’s not a disaster, it’s a redistribution of power. After all, it’s great that now you can do your hobby more tightly and more, and for friends there will be time, and for your loved one. That is, a balanced diet is necessary not only for our body, but also for our soul!
And if we go back to desserts, we can imagine our whole life as a cake. And motherhood in it is a very sweet and tasty cream that penetrates everywhere, gives everything a special taste and meaning, without cream and cake will not work. And the relationship with the spouse in this case is an appetizing cherry from above. But there is everything else – spiritual practice, friends, relatives, acquaintances, work, home comfort, creativity, hobbies, relationships with oneself, bodily practices, services, travel, hobbies and much more. In this form, our cake becomes more interesting, appetizing and tastier. After all, eating one cream is not so interesting, right?
Motherhood is a very important part of our lives, and the whole book is about it. But I ask you very much not to put all your eggs in one basket, not to bet only on children and not to give up yourself. Children don't need and don't benefit, remember?
Author: Olga Valyaeva, from the book “Destination to be a mother”
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Join us on Facebook, VKontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/materinstvo-ne-edinstvennoe-prizvanie-zhenshhiny/
Many people think that this is what I call on all women in the world to have children and to give up on themselves. Forever.
When children are very young, this approach is justified. The need of an infant in a mother around the clock, it is impossible to quickly and for the future satiate, and indeed some things have to be removed in a distant box. For a while. That is, not to throw away, not to burn bridges, but to put aside, waiting for a convenient moment to return to this. Although not necessarily, it is much better to find opportunities to continue doing what you love. It is difficult, for example, with a two-year-old to paint oil at home. Just because he will definitely find it all and decorate the whole house with his creativity - try it later!
It is difficult to remember that you are not just a mother and not just a mother. But also the wife, for example. Or, more importantly, a woman!
I once told a friend of mine that you were a woman. She looked at me like I was crazy.
"Look at me! What a woman I am! I wear hair in a bundle: to wash and comb it less often. I don’t know much about cosmetics and fashion. I wear t-shirts that you can quickly get your breasts, and what is minimally dirty and not sorry to throw away. My husband gave me flowers the last time I was pregnant with my eldest, and I have nothing to talk about. My brain is diapers, cereals, nipples, classes and strollers. I weigh 10 kilograms more than I should. I have never been to a massage... ?
She talked, she talked, and at the end she cried. Because she herself knew that she had come somewhere wrong, that was not what she dreamed of and that was not what she wanted. Is that rare? Do we rarely make such mistakes? Nope. Often. Very often. We can get carried away, forget everything else, reject. And then we don't even know how to get it back.
Some girls meet a man, and erase their entire past life, wanting to start with a clean slate, he likes more, change everything. In the same way, many people plunge into motherhood. Especially since motherhood is for a long time, we will be actively engaged in it for twenty years or more. Such a complete immersion seems justified. But no.
After that, it is very much "accurate" - both herself and her children. I want to remember Tsvetaeva and slightly change the second line:
“The cry of women of all times:
Son, I did everything for you!
Here we include what you probably heard one way or another from your mother or friends:
- I've put my whole life on you!
- I gave you the best years of my life!
- I sacrificed everything for you!
- I live for you!
- You're ungrateful!
- I didn't live for you to live!
And so are the lines that imply that you must now do what your mother wants (because your mother wanted to, but she didn’t, and now it’s too late), that you must return everything invested in you, that you must live as your mother says, and not otherwise.
Motherhood may be our main purpose, but it is not the only one. Yes, we receive a lot, we give a lot, but the rest of our personality also requires realization.
What happens if you refuse to do this, consciously or not? Let's talk about it in more detail.
Children become victims of the unrealization of their mothers
How many stories I’ve heard, I can’t even count. When my mother wanted to play the piano, but in childhood there was no such opportunity. It would seem - now you can - go buy a piano, sit down to study. But no, it is much easier to delegate your dream to a child. Go, daughter, play! So what do you want? I want to! This is my dream and you must fulfill it!
It is the same with ballet, dancing (especially sad when this dream should be fulfilled by a son who does not need it at all), career. You think only moms are like that? I know a dad who wanted to be a hockey player but didn’t. He had a daughter, a real girl, whom he stubbornly leads to hockey (and she escapes from there to the neighboring figure skating class). Although with mothers, of course, it occurs more often.
Moms hang their unfulfilled dreams and hopes around their children’s necks, and then constantly push them in the back, go, say, come on! At the same time, children have their own talents unfulfilled. That's how it can continue.
Children are more interested in living with complete personalities
What can a mother give her children, who, despite all the love for them and complete immersion in them, is unhappy? When she looks so herself, and even embarrassing to introduce friends? When you have nothing to talk to her about because she has no interest but to find out if you ate porridge and put on a hat?
Mom does not have to have a cool position and worldwide fame.
Even if she is passionately embroidered with a cross, and on weekends in winter to run on skis – the attitude to mom will be different.
The more interests and hobbies we have, the more we can give to children.
If our only hobby is shopping on weekends, then it becomes our only activity together with our children. We can only go shopping together and watch TV. All.
At the same time, I know mothers who are passionate about hiking, skiing, swimming, needlework of different kinds – and all this is somehow shared by their children. Not in full, and not always so deep. I remember a guy at school talking about how he and his mom and dad kayaked for a week. So much excitement and respect for the parents!
The kids will leave one day.
To let them go, we must have another life. At least a relationship with a husband who, God willing, will remain after their departure. If there is nothing else, the world will collapse. And then we will begin to live the lives of adult children, we will teach them how to live, how to properly swaddle grandchildren, what to call them and so on.
Having other relationships and hobbies in your life makes it much easier for you to let your children go into adult and independent life. If this is only one of the tastes of our happiness (albeit in some places the sweetest), we will not die of hunger after that. And I know many who have started a “new” life with the release of their children, full of freedom, creativity, hobbies and joy. Yes, their minority. Most of them try to keep their children to themselves by all means. But we don't want to be like that, do we?
Children treat us as we treat ourselves.
Tell me, how do all those who threw themselves in a distant box treat themselves? How much do they respect and value themselves when they betray themselves so easily? They may demand respect, care, attention, because they cannot give it to themselves. Do they want to give them what they want?
Children are very clear about how we treat ourselves. I noticed that they were extremely dismissive of parents whose self-esteem was lower than the plinth, who had disappeared into their children, as if hiding from their own dreams and talents. Conversely, multifaceted and self-respecting parents, children adore and cherish.
Well-rounded mother, kinder.
It is the duty of a mother to feed her children with her energy. Where do you get that energy? Especially if the whole life is like a marmot, nothing inspires, no “want”, solid “need” and “should”. If the mother is interested and happy with herself, then she really has something to share. And not difficult, and to joy, and without tears.
When you know exactly how to improve your condition, when you have everything you need to do it – hobbies, pleasant communication, interests, creativity – you can stay filled in any situation.
And if you draw energy only in children (although logically it is your duty to give it), then who is this communication for joy and benefit?
A mother will not be able to maintain a relationship with her husband.
If we are obsessed with motherhood, we become very comfortable for men. But not interesting. In The Art of Being a Wife and a Muse, we talked about the fact that a good wife has five different roles, and “mother” is only one of them. Among them is the role of a daughter, and the role of a sister, and the role of a mistress, and also the role of a wife! It’s not the same as being a mom.
Many girls with the birth of children even call their beloved husband “dad”, and in response from the spouse receive “mother”. Only after all, this is a completely different relationship, in which it is impossible and a hundredth of what is fraught with a harmonious marriage!
Children create their lives according to our model.
If you have a girl, would you like to see her in twenty years? Would you like your son’s wife to look like you?
No matter how much we try to get away from our roots, the further we go, the more we look like our mothers.
It is no coincidence that mothers shout loudest to their girls that they have to make a career, walk as long as possible, see the world before they get into this “slavery”. These are the mothers who couldn’t save their own lives and think it’s impossible.
Hiding is much easier than being yourself.
Being a mom is comfortable in many situations. It does not require much courage, after all, society is used to the fact that almost everyone becomes a mother. Even within motherhood, you can remain “like everyone else” and not cause violent condemnations, assessments. To realize your talents, you need to be ready for anything. Criticism - justified and not, constructive and not very. Discussion, condemnation, various conversations. Is it always easy? Especially if we're not five years old?
I remember one mother who diligently promoted her daughter to the stage. The data of the girl was average (and her dreams were about another), but her mother did not give up. In almost every place, so much criticism was thrown at the baby, she was explained that her voice was so bad, she did not feel the notes, and so on. The girl cried, dreamed of quitting everything, but her mother stubbornly continued to make her a star. And only when the girl from all this plunged into a deep neurosis with a lot of manifestations, the mother was able to stop. A very good psychologist told her:
“If people told you that you were doing everything wrong, would you feel good?”
Dive into motherhood with your head is also safe. With all the social pressure on mothers, there is always a way to go unnoticed. Having started self-expression, you need to get used to the fact that you will be evaluated and discussed in one way or another. Even when we go to a regular job, we have to face the assessments, claims and expectations of other people. What if we want to create our own creativity? For fear of criticism, many choose to do nothing. And it is a pity that so many masterpieces were not born because of such cowardice.
We have other tasks.
For example, at the end of life, it is advisable to think not about how my daughter-in-law feeds my son, nor about when my daughters will be promoted. In the years of maturity, people used to go to monasteries, dedicated themselves to serving people and God, realizing that they would soon pass the final exam. Successful passing of this exam is by and large the goal of our lives. And the preceding events can help us prepare by taking the preliminary exams.
Motherhood is an important exam in the life of a woman, but still not the main one. Although it helps a lot in this preparation.
We came into this world one at a time, and we will leave one at a time, and we will not be able to take anything with us, only what remains in our hearts, such as the experience of motherhood.
And this is not all reasons to think about filling your life! Imagine that you are at a table, in front of you many different dishes, different taste, color, smell. Now imagine that there is only one dish at the second table. Even if it's cake or ice cream. Every day of your life, you sit at one of these two tables. Or you have a little bit of cake in your life, and you have the same cake for dessert. Or you eat the same thing, and no matter how much you love it, after a while even the cake will get bored and no longer bring pleasure.
This applies to any relationship – in this case we are talking about relationships with children, but the same applies to marriage. The more different relationships, hobbies, hobbies, activities in your life, the more complete and holistic it is. During the period when your husband is not in the mood, you can be filled in your creativity or relationships with friends. When kids grow up and want more space, it’s not a disaster, it’s a redistribution of power. After all, it’s great that now you can do your hobby more tightly and more, and for friends there will be time, and for your loved one. That is, a balanced diet is necessary not only for our body, but also for our soul!
And if we go back to desserts, we can imagine our whole life as a cake. And motherhood in it is a very sweet and tasty cream that penetrates everywhere, gives everything a special taste and meaning, without cream and cake will not work. And the relationship with the spouse in this case is an appetizing cherry from above. But there is everything else – spiritual practice, friends, relatives, acquaintances, work, home comfort, creativity, hobbies, relationships with oneself, bodily practices, services, travel, hobbies and much more. In this form, our cake becomes more interesting, appetizing and tastier. After all, eating one cream is not so interesting, right?
Motherhood is a very important part of our lives, and the whole book is about it. But I ask you very much not to put all your eggs in one basket, not to bet only on children and not to give up yourself. Children don't need and don't benefit, remember?
Author: Olga Valyaeva, from the book “Destination to be a mother”
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Join us on Facebook, VKontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/materinstvo-ne-edinstvennoe-prizvanie-zhenshhiny/
