My profession - Git: 9 signs of a relationship with a man
Recently, I decided to arrange a holiday and two hours of free time I spent on watching one of my favorite movies: "Dangerous liaisons" based on the novel by Choderlos de Laclos. Ah, the wonder that the movie! What actors, what a game! But the main advantage of this film is that it shows the viewer the reverse side of a relationship with a male tormentor.
I'm talking about? So called men who engaged in family or romantic relationships with emotionally dependent women and begin to mock them, to apply the moral, and sometimes physical violence. For them to even use the name "sociopath". They say it's a form of psychopathy.
For sociopaths lack empathy. They are not able to sympathize, to empathize, to feel compassion, they do not know the feeling of duty and responsibility. They really resemble them, but saying "I'm sorry", in fact they don't feel pity. This makes them heartless and deaf to the suffering of others.
But they have a highly developed ability to show aggression, cruelty, cynicism and other negative qualities. And for sociopaths lack of conscience. The possibility of committing a particular act they assess solely in terms of "beneficial to me — I is not profitable."
Even a real threat of punishment keeps them from reprehensible actions. Note that among the criminals, the percentage of sociopaths is higher than the average among the population.
They deftly toying with the woman, circling her head, and then cynically dumped her. All of them operate under the same scheme, knowing which is possible with high probability to understand that you are tightening or have already tightened in a toxic relationship.
Sign No. 1: you I never loved anyone!
This phrase will tell you a sociopath. He will convey that message to you in different ways, but always at the beginning of your acquaintance. He will convince you of your uniqueness, will lift you on a pedestal and gaze in eyes languid eyes, gently hold your hand, sad sigh. With this began his seduction of Madame de Tourvel, the Vicomte de Valmont.
It will create an atmosphere of space, fantastic love, which never knew peace. What is the sacrifice? Oh, she had the great honor to warm the poor with his love, to pull him from this darkness, to show him how beautiful it is to love and be loved. And she selflessly takes on the mission that instead of a meeting of the minds: how could it happen that a person has reached middle age and never at anyone not fall in love? It is not normal.
Sign No. 2: You are the first woman he finds worthy
Thousands and thousands of women buy these assurances! Well, still it sounds so sweet, makes it feel like a winner over all those other, unworthy, and because "there is nothing a woman enjoys so much as victory over another woman". Rivals. Although in reality these words should alert attentive woman: doesn't it seem strange that a person in my entire life met any decent girls? Surely he was caught entirely stupid greedy fools? This is the first time.
And the second point — when a person says this, she means she's never seen a women worthy of who? — self. Not too much is he thinking? But alas, a woman wants to be the one and only, superior to all, and a sociopath gives her the opportunity, deeply hurt her heart.
I must say that is well maintained women with a fair dose of narcissism in the soul. This narcissism is not necessarily an open form "I". It is perfectly disguised as humility, especially for women religious. "I am a humble servant of the Lord, the God protects me," just women lovely head which is a no-no, and flashed such thoughts have a high chance of becoming a victim of a sociopath.
Enjoying their piety, they can't accept the idea that God was able to send them in marriage of the villain. It just can't be, because she didn't deserve. A sense of security deprives them of the instinct of self-preservation, they cease to be afraid of sociopaths and easily fall under their spell.
Sign No. 3: You are lucky. As ever!
It comes ready to wear on your hands, compose in your honor poems, will give the handle when you exit the car, he was polite and gallant. He starts to behave so that the woman who twisted his arms, thinks: "Oh my God! But it's the same Prince desire, but which for some reason got to me, a sinner!"
Overjoyed she's already half blind and deaf to the obvious signs of pathological relationships, in which it is retracted.
Sign # 4: Hurt me so just
Well, like a baby! Fragile and delicate soul, the poor guy can't stand any coldness in his address, no suspicion, no reproach. In any negative situation, he focuses on their suffering, on how it is bad, with absolutely no interest in your feelings.
Psychology is a very large number of women is that they are afraid to remain without a man. Add to this the fact that sociopaths rarely get young girls. The victims in the vast majority of cases are ladies around 30 years of age and older, longing for male society may have already brought on yourself, maybe with a failed marriage, living with her husband for the sake of some of the hackneyed ideas: for children, divorce is a sin and all that jazz. Love, often for the first time "back at you" she now is terrified of losing her had fallen into the hands of the treasure and is willing to do anything to keep her Prince.
Sign No. 5: He always blames other
Hallmark of a sociopath is the inability to admit guilt howl and persistent denial of his guilt in negative events. Oh, yeah, he's a scoundrel. But he is not guilty. So it made life (mother, previous partner, orphanage, etc.) In fact, he prepares the way for retreat — hard inspires her the idea that if he leave her, then the blame will be his own victim. And one more thing — in the circle of friends he talks about you badly. It is also preparing for further retreat. He does that so that when you start to talk about those nightmares that you've been through, no one would have believed it.
Sign No. 6: "You don't deserve me!"
Remember, in the first paragraph we talked about what a sociopath starts off constructing his victim on a pedestal? Perhaps many of you raised the question: why is he doing this? Answer: the sole purpose is to relieve the victim with it. And to lose the most brutal, the most mocking way. He does not know how to communicate with others on an equal footing, the idea of equality scares him. He or idealize, or demoniziruet. Depending on the mood and behavior of the partner.
The culmination of his Union with the victim, vilify, destroy everything that represents for the victim's highest value. If it is adultery, he will defiantly cheat on her. If it is the children, he will set them against her or attempt to deprive her of parental rights. If it's a religion, it would be rude to trample on all of its canons and principles, making it so that the victim was aware of. If it is your own virtue the victim, he would denigrate her at every corner, spreading the most vile rumors about her.
To devalue, to depersonalize, to crush everything that cares about the victim, to see her tears and despair — that is the true purpose of a sociopath, that delivered him a sense of victory. Moral victories bun, which left my grandmother and grandfather, I left, and in the current relationship has not fallen so low as to become henpecked.
Sign # 7: Topsy—eversion
Whenever you are trying to talk to him about your relationship issues, come to their constructive solutions, you run into a wall of rejection: your partner or dodges conversation, sometimes the most idiotic methods, for example, you say to him that he offended you yesterday, and then he begins to sing the "Internationale." Or he can enter into the discussion, but masterfully turns the conventional notions about the relationship inside out. His arguments are absurd, but he's so convincing them that at some point you begin to think that maybe it really is you crazy and you need to be treated?
Sign No. 8: And if he loved me?
Analyzing the cruelty with which he dealt with you, all of his behavior from the beginning to the end, you come to a devastating conclusion: he didn't like. Yes, that's right! He didn't like, because sociopaths can't love. They are always with everyone — with family, with friends, with spouses build relationships on the principle of business: you will need them until then, until they get you benefits. Material or moral. As soon as you stop being beneficial to him, he breaks up with you, trampling and years of friendship, and the bonds of marriage and kinship.
His "love" for you is just a game, and you were a pawn in this game. And this is another humiliation that you have to go through. He played you, parasitized on your feelings and emotions received from you all what you wanted, and dumped.
Some women are so hard to come to terms with the idea that they are a long time after the break up stalking your site and constantly trying to figure out a relationship with him, to tell him in person everything that is pent up. Not worth it to do — to appeal to his conscience will fail due to the lack of such, and you will shatter your psyche.
Sign No. 9: "Samodurova"
After toppling from the pedestal of the victim usually wait for clarification from a sociopath. But any criticisms he will answer in the spirit of "own fault", how did Valmont — leaving Madame de Tourvel. He pre-empted all possible accusations with the phrase "Not my fault". (In the movie it sounds like It's beyond my control" that does not change the fact).
That's what you did, you wanted, you wanted, you brought me to this. Moreover, he deeply hooked her ego: "I thought you were different but you're all the same!"
All, he deprived the victim of the feeling of exclusivity that so hard she'd been taught. Catchphrase, the top aerobatics (not all sociopaths use it, only those who have achieved excellence in their profession) — "Yet a little while, and all would be well. But you don't have the patience/wisdom/tact/female instinct, and therefore — good-bye, may love, good-bye!" and he leaves his victim with a feeling of terrible guilt that she was the cause of the deterioration and tear such fabulously beautiful relationship.
After reading all this, the question arises: can a sociopath have a stable family relationship?
Can. Oddly enough, it can. However, don't confuse it with love. To tame a sociopath can only be exactly the same sociopath, but that will replay it, which won't allow him to leave her, and then the dependent will be the victim himself. Their relationship will remind the business Alliance and will last as long as each of them helping the other to achieve a goal — as it was from Valmont and the Marquise de Merten.
This Union can last for years, sometimes until the last breath of one of the members of the Union, and it should be pretty flat and stable, so that the uninitiated might get the impression that a sociopath finally found his happiness. But this impression is deceptive. Cunning and clever partner is a sociopath will play them, you shut him out, but just enough that it is not gone completely, drawing him to her, but just enough that it is not imagined that power over her.
A breakup with a sociopath
This part of the article I decided to allocate a separate block. The fact that a breakup with a sociopath is so traumatic for his victims, many of them no longer believe men in General, and never enter into a new relationship for fear of another injury. Somehow I came across the article foreign psychologist, who said that a sociopath is quite capable of bringing their prey to a deep neurosis and even to suicide. It's true. Not all women are able to withstand the shame and humiliation, which exposes them to a sociopath.
The mistake many women managed to get into a relationship with a sociopath, that they are quite a long time did not dare to break. They hope that their man re-and repent. "I'll change him with your love I'll beg, I'll do it to others".
Remember once and for all, sociopaths do not change. Sociopathy is not just a lack of education, is a painful condition that has its roots in genetics and neuroscience. Working with sociopaths — the lot of professionals and you on their own will never be able to re-educate.
Separation is always traumatic, and a breakup with a sociopath — especially because it is not enough just to leave — he needs to crush you. Whatever stage of relationship you broke up with him, he will still play a role and try to humiliate you to the max. But, nevertheless — the sooner you do, the less loss you will experience. This moral losses, and material.
Leaving a sociopath is not limited to humiliation of the victim — he will still try and Rob it to the maximum. And it will not stop having children — he will take it all. Friend told me that her husband after 10 years of a destructive marriage, gathered in bags all that he could and what could not — broke and broken.
Sociopath is not led by such qualities as generosity, pity, compassion, sense of duty — this is sociopathy, so I do not expect any decency on his part. It will wring your property to the last spoon will fight for every nail. He will not hesitate to carry toilet paper, matches and a half-empty tube of toothpaste. But this is not enough. He will tease you with my imaginary well-being with another woman on his page in Facebook or Vkontakte. Many women addicted to this kind of masochism and continue to suffer for years in what was not and could not be.
If you want the max to safely get out of the relationship with a sociopath, then immediately cut all the ends and run without looking back, otherwise it'll turn into a pillar of salt. Run and don't look back — the law of conservation of mind and your own psyche.
Judging by the materials, comments and reviews that started to emerge in recent years in the networks, among believers there is a sufficiently large stratum of male sociopaths. Are no exception, alas, the clergy. It is subject to the same diseases, the same diseases, and society as a whole. From this we can conclude that Christianity has a certain attraction for sociopaths.
They find something that allows them to justify themselves. It is established that a sociopath is not able to consider the needs of others (sociopaths have a highly-developed egoism), respectively, he believes that the surrounding will not take into account his needs. So to achieve something from others, he should subdue them. For this purpose they perfectly adjust themselves to Christianity.
At a minimum — they are always very concerned about obedience of wife and children. Obedience, not love a sociopath puts at the forefront the question of family relations. The maximum — sociopaths often penetrate the environment of the clergy for the same purpose: to control, to obtain, to use and to be impervious to punishment and censure. Christianity and San attract them with the fact that they allow for "legal" from the point of view of a sociopath a reason to require others to blind obedience.
Is it possible to deal with a sociopath?
Very difficult because of his love for hitting below the belt, resourcefulness, vindictiveness and inclination to the most cynical of lies. In fact, there's only one way to tame a sociopath is to disclose all its wrongdoing. Publicity — the only one that is afraid of a sociopath, because the publicity will deprive him of the image of a good boy, and then it will be difficult to use their charms for the seduction of new victims. If you remember, Valmont, the Marquise struck his last blow in this way: disclosed her involvement in the conspiracy against Madame de Tourvel, Cécile de Volange and other victims for her depraved mind.
From this we must conclude that if among your acquaintances there was a man with signs of a sociopath, it should be openly upsetting his actions, even if he has been ordained. If someone preaches violence as the norm (Yes, I'm on the acclaimed sermon O. Tkachev), it is necessary in the face to say that such behavior is not acceptable. If someone behaves rudely with his wife, mocks children — it is also necessary to talk openly.