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A man after a divorce or the seventeenth of the month syndrome
Since then, as there is a psychological science, it is considered that the disintegration of the happy family that existed five, seven or ten years — is a serious mental trauma especially for women. Thousands of experts, and argued that the gap long emotional attachment for most women entails first acute crisis state, which then goes into a chronic depression.
"After the collapse of a successful and lasting marital Union, a woman almost does not return to previous level of mental health", — says the largest modern psychotherapist Norman Farberow. One in eight divorced commits suicide attempt, one in four applies for psychotherapy, more than half are experiencing severe depression requiring treatment; in the first year after separation, women are half of all the sold in all civilized countries of the antidepressants today know about it, even psychologist a sophomore. Considering that in big cities falls about 50% of all families, most of them after 5 — 7 — 10 years of marriage, it becomes clear how serious the problem represents a "postrational syndrome".
But men gap long emotional attachment experience much easier — we have positive experience of such a gap. We mean separation from the mother and the transition to the so-called "male subculture", which occurs between 5 and 7 years of our child's life. Indeed, immediately after the divorce we do not see them neither depression nor Intrusive memories of a past family life, no guilt, no fear of the future. "Ease" the transition from marriage to a completely different way of life always amazes and even shocks the ex-wives.
What is the further fate of the divorced men the eyes of psychological statistics?
65% of them re-marry in the next five years, with the vast majority of divorce do not regret, but believe that the first wife was better. Another 15% are married, in the period from five to 10 years after the divorce. Of most interest to psychotherapists are those remaining 20% who create a new family (or a constant couple) only after twenty or more years, thus carried out without a permanent attachment best 20 years of my life, from about 27 to 47 years. This group of men — along with those who initially did not created a family, doomed to loneliness 30, and in some cities — 33% is quite worthy of the fair sex.
But in the last ten years, divorced men have become the object of attention of psychologists, psychotherapists and sexologists. One of the reasons is that the sharply increased number of requests for psychotherapeutic and sexological help. Today they make up 30% of the clients of the practicing specialist, and in half of the cases, as in the case of Sergey, they are brought to the reception ex-wives.
The most common problems: depression, loneliness, confusion, overeating, abuse of alcohol (mostly beer!), the decline of interest in professional activities, decrease in sexual activity, the emergence of premature ejaculation and other sexual disorders. These symptoms reach their maximum development, generally in the middle of the second year after the divorce and got the name "syndrome of the seventeenth of the month."
What are the causes of this syndrome? Psychological research, including the most modern and reliable (the introduction of "truth serum", surveys in the state of hypnotic immersion — all, of course, on a voluntary basis!) showed that in the first place among these reasons is disappointing. One of the most important reasons of the separation from the marital partner is the representation of the (often rather vague) that, being "at liberty", he will meet some extraordinary woman, beautiful, sexy, kind, caring and of course, younger. He grese some bright sexual feelings that are different from everyday sex with my wife.
Dreams these are implemented only partially, closer acquaintance with the new women brings not only joy, but often frustration, even resentment: girlfriends there are not enough caring, and criticize, and accuse us, and sometimes sexually unfaithful. Holiday dreamed of, does not work and when this thought finally penetrated the consciousness when one gets a realistic assessment of women — formed depression. In parallel there is a more clear, calm assessment of the previous family life, in memory (so our memories!) POPs up the most joyful, the brightest scenes of married life. At this time, more than half of divorced thinking about returning to the family, but the harsh laws of the community of men categorically forbid us to do.
To live alone, not everyone canTo this period accumulates and mental fatigue from the independent, "holisticheskoy" life. Parting with family, we wanted to drop or at least reduce the burden of care and family responsibilities become more free. But after a few weeks of intoxication with freedom most divorced beginning to understand that to live alone is not so easy as it seemed long years of marriage.
Most men have a lot of internal "destructive" impulses — the desire to have "beyond reasonable", over-eat, to give more time to entertainment, sex, etc. in women and momenta of these smaller, and being creatures better organized, more social, they are much better suppressed. In a married couple they have a social origin, helping the partner to devote their energies to the social mainstream, helping to cope with these impulses.
For many men one of the most important (maybe most important !) factor of marriage is the so-called "syndrome of the cadet" or, as he calls F. Pittman, "the syndrome of non-standard students". Imagine a young man from an educated family, far from military interests, a well-graduated from high school or already a student at the University. And suddenly he all of a sudden, contrary to the persuasion of parents and friends, enters a military school or is a volunteer in the army.
Deep psychological studies of such young men, including surveys in a hypnotic dive conducted in the US and the UK, showed that they vaguely feel the impulses, the desire to use alcohol, drugs, promiscuous life and looking for the salvation army ... from themselves.
I emphasize that these young people are not drunks, not drug addicts, not revelers, but they feel that can become them. Safely after serving in the army for 20 or 25 years and after retiring, they often drink too much almost immediately, not "at liberty" to confront its own destructive impulses.
It is clear that for many men the stabilizing role the army plays in family life, and outside their psyche is destroyed — sometimes quite quickly.
If you look into the soul of a majority of the representatives of the stronger sex, you will see that they dream and fantasize about the "free" single life, sexual freedom, opportunities to enjoy the intimate life with not one but with different women, including casual. In confirmation of this I could give many facts, but here is the results of only one study.
Patrick McGee studied the motivations and fantasies of members of a reputable Chicago computer company at the age from 30 to 45 years old — the typical representatives of the American middle class. With the introduction of "truth serum" to the question "Who do you know You're jealous, and why?" 83 out of 100 studied called the names of two unmarried colleagues. And they were jealous of their sexual freedom and lack of responsibility for his wife and children. I must say that in the study group and the unmarried were only two! If none of these 83 "envious" is not going to leave his family and embark on a "ocean of freedom" know that "do not pull" this freedom!
And one more important circumstance. In the first years after the divorce, most of us try to fulfill your dreams and fantasies to lead an intense sexual life with multiple partners. As a rule, one of them permanent, others are temporary, often in two or three meetings. In the fantasies of married men a huge place is occupied by the so-called impulsive ( saw — met entered into a sexual relationship ) and short-term context — that they have no place in a marriage.
But sex is impulsive, short-term sex with the "incoming" partner — not what is marital sex. With my wife we have a so-called "adjustment", psychological and biological, the second is even more important. Although special attraction to each other (after several years of living together) is not observed, but the bodies of husband and wife "adjusted" to each other at the level of rhythm, excitement comes quickly, without long foreplay, intimacy occurs stereotype, the level of enjoyment is high, and discharge is achieved after 4 to 5 minutes.
Intimate life with new, sometimes unfamiliar partners require a many times higher energy costs — psychological and physiological. Partner should bow to intimate relationships, it need a long time to caress, the sexual act itself is longer and more robust (because no pre-adjustment, for its formation requires at least 5 — 7 meetings, with the necessary at least a minimal emotional attachment!).
I will give only one option (of many): close to wife the heart rate increases by 8-10 beats per minute and held for 3 to 5 minutes after intercourse. In intercourse with a new partner, the increase is 30 — 40 beats and lasts for 15 — 20 minutes. The numbers speak for themselves! Partner need to induce your own enthusiasm, you need to carefully monitor her condition, it is necessary to continue to communicate with her after close, often need to get her home! Of course, such proximity brings a lot of joys, but also takes a lot of energy, reduces efficiency, initiative. The bright intimate life you dreamed of many years of marriage, was only partially available, and for many, unavailable.
Researchers from different countries have noted a significant drop in sexual activity, most divorced in a year and a half after the beginning of the "free" life. They even deny an active investigation on the part of women, often young and energetic, reject it, dreamed about for years.
With regard to the responsibility for the family, which is so depressing for many men, and from which they are fleeing, replaced by sharply increased responsibility for yourself: you have no one to consult, no one to tell, no support in challenging or difficult times. The most important function of family psychotherapy, and the mistress, even the most benevolent, the function to assume not — relationship with lack of empathy. According to B. Trubnaya, two-thirds of the divorced three years later after a divorce believe your ' ex ' more of a person than a new wife or a permanent girlfriend.
The research of "syndrome of the seventeenth of the month" showed that at that time most divorced thinking about going back to the family or the establishment of new, they want to escape from freedom.published
Author: Alex Poleev
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: karpachoff.com/muzhchina-posle-razvoda/
"After the collapse of a successful and lasting marital Union, a woman almost does not return to previous level of mental health", — says the largest modern psychotherapist Norman Farberow. One in eight divorced commits suicide attempt, one in four applies for psychotherapy, more than half are experiencing severe depression requiring treatment; in the first year after separation, women are half of all the sold in all civilized countries of the antidepressants today know about it, even psychologist a sophomore. Considering that in big cities falls about 50% of all families, most of them after 5 — 7 — 10 years of marriage, it becomes clear how serious the problem represents a "postrational syndrome".
But men gap long emotional attachment experience much easier — we have positive experience of such a gap. We mean separation from the mother and the transition to the so-called "male subculture", which occurs between 5 and 7 years of our child's life. Indeed, immediately after the divorce we do not see them neither depression nor Intrusive memories of a past family life, no guilt, no fear of the future. "Ease" the transition from marriage to a completely different way of life always amazes and even shocks the ex-wives.
What is the further fate of the divorced men the eyes of psychological statistics?
65% of them re-marry in the next five years, with the vast majority of divorce do not regret, but believe that the first wife was better. Another 15% are married, in the period from five to 10 years after the divorce. Of most interest to psychotherapists are those remaining 20% who create a new family (or a constant couple) only after twenty or more years, thus carried out without a permanent attachment best 20 years of my life, from about 27 to 47 years. This group of men — along with those who initially did not created a family, doomed to loneliness 30, and in some cities — 33% is quite worthy of the fair sex.
But in the last ten years, divorced men have become the object of attention of psychologists, psychotherapists and sexologists. One of the reasons is that the sharply increased number of requests for psychotherapeutic and sexological help. Today they make up 30% of the clients of the practicing specialist, and in half of the cases, as in the case of Sergey, they are brought to the reception ex-wives.
The most common problems: depression, loneliness, confusion, overeating, abuse of alcohol (mostly beer!), the decline of interest in professional activities, decrease in sexual activity, the emergence of premature ejaculation and other sexual disorders. These symptoms reach their maximum development, generally in the middle of the second year after the divorce and got the name "syndrome of the seventeenth of the month."
What are the causes of this syndrome? Psychological research, including the most modern and reliable (the introduction of "truth serum", surveys in the state of hypnotic immersion — all, of course, on a voluntary basis!) showed that in the first place among these reasons is disappointing. One of the most important reasons of the separation from the marital partner is the representation of the (often rather vague) that, being "at liberty", he will meet some extraordinary woman, beautiful, sexy, kind, caring and of course, younger. He grese some bright sexual feelings that are different from everyday sex with my wife.
Dreams these are implemented only partially, closer acquaintance with the new women brings not only joy, but often frustration, even resentment: girlfriends there are not enough caring, and criticize, and accuse us, and sometimes sexually unfaithful. Holiday dreamed of, does not work and when this thought finally penetrated the consciousness when one gets a realistic assessment of women — formed depression. In parallel there is a more clear, calm assessment of the previous family life, in memory (so our memories!) POPs up the most joyful, the brightest scenes of married life. At this time, more than half of divorced thinking about returning to the family, but the harsh laws of the community of men categorically forbid us to do.
To live alone, not everyone canTo this period accumulates and mental fatigue from the independent, "holisticheskoy" life. Parting with family, we wanted to drop or at least reduce the burden of care and family responsibilities become more free. But after a few weeks of intoxication with freedom most divorced beginning to understand that to live alone is not so easy as it seemed long years of marriage.
Most men have a lot of internal "destructive" impulses — the desire to have "beyond reasonable", over-eat, to give more time to entertainment, sex, etc. in women and momenta of these smaller, and being creatures better organized, more social, they are much better suppressed. In a married couple they have a social origin, helping the partner to devote their energies to the social mainstream, helping to cope with these impulses.
For many men one of the most important (maybe most important !) factor of marriage is the so-called "syndrome of the cadet" or, as he calls F. Pittman, "the syndrome of non-standard students". Imagine a young man from an educated family, far from military interests, a well-graduated from high school or already a student at the University. And suddenly he all of a sudden, contrary to the persuasion of parents and friends, enters a military school or is a volunteer in the army.
Deep psychological studies of such young men, including surveys in a hypnotic dive conducted in the US and the UK, showed that they vaguely feel the impulses, the desire to use alcohol, drugs, promiscuous life and looking for the salvation army ... from themselves.
I emphasize that these young people are not drunks, not drug addicts, not revelers, but they feel that can become them. Safely after serving in the army for 20 or 25 years and after retiring, they often drink too much almost immediately, not "at liberty" to confront its own destructive impulses.
It is clear that for many men the stabilizing role the army plays in family life, and outside their psyche is destroyed — sometimes quite quickly.
If you look into the soul of a majority of the representatives of the stronger sex, you will see that they dream and fantasize about the "free" single life, sexual freedom, opportunities to enjoy the intimate life with not one but with different women, including casual. In confirmation of this I could give many facts, but here is the results of only one study.
Patrick McGee studied the motivations and fantasies of members of a reputable Chicago computer company at the age from 30 to 45 years old — the typical representatives of the American middle class. With the introduction of "truth serum" to the question "Who do you know You're jealous, and why?" 83 out of 100 studied called the names of two unmarried colleagues. And they were jealous of their sexual freedom and lack of responsibility for his wife and children. I must say that in the study group and the unmarried were only two! If none of these 83 "envious" is not going to leave his family and embark on a "ocean of freedom" know that "do not pull" this freedom!
And one more important circumstance. In the first years after the divorce, most of us try to fulfill your dreams and fantasies to lead an intense sexual life with multiple partners. As a rule, one of them permanent, others are temporary, often in two or three meetings. In the fantasies of married men a huge place is occupied by the so-called impulsive ( saw — met entered into a sexual relationship ) and short-term context — that they have no place in a marriage.
But sex is impulsive, short-term sex with the "incoming" partner — not what is marital sex. With my wife we have a so-called "adjustment", psychological and biological, the second is even more important. Although special attraction to each other (after several years of living together) is not observed, but the bodies of husband and wife "adjusted" to each other at the level of rhythm, excitement comes quickly, without long foreplay, intimacy occurs stereotype, the level of enjoyment is high, and discharge is achieved after 4 to 5 minutes.
Intimate life with new, sometimes unfamiliar partners require a many times higher energy costs — psychological and physiological. Partner should bow to intimate relationships, it need a long time to caress, the sexual act itself is longer and more robust (because no pre-adjustment, for its formation requires at least 5 — 7 meetings, with the necessary at least a minimal emotional attachment!).
I will give only one option (of many): close to wife the heart rate increases by 8-10 beats per minute and held for 3 to 5 minutes after intercourse. In intercourse with a new partner, the increase is 30 — 40 beats and lasts for 15 — 20 minutes. The numbers speak for themselves! Partner need to induce your own enthusiasm, you need to carefully monitor her condition, it is necessary to continue to communicate with her after close, often need to get her home! Of course, such proximity brings a lot of joys, but also takes a lot of energy, reduces efficiency, initiative. The bright intimate life you dreamed of many years of marriage, was only partially available, and for many, unavailable.
Researchers from different countries have noted a significant drop in sexual activity, most divorced in a year and a half after the beginning of the "free" life. They even deny an active investigation on the part of women, often young and energetic, reject it, dreamed about for years.
With regard to the responsibility for the family, which is so depressing for many men, and from which they are fleeing, replaced by sharply increased responsibility for yourself: you have no one to consult, no one to tell, no support in challenging or difficult times. The most important function of family psychotherapy, and the mistress, even the most benevolent, the function to assume not — relationship with lack of empathy. According to B. Trubnaya, two-thirds of the divorced three years later after a divorce believe your ' ex ' more of a person than a new wife or a permanent girlfriend.
The research of "syndrome of the seventeenth of the month" showed that at that time most divorced thinking about going back to the family or the establishment of new, they want to escape from freedom.published
Author: Alex Poleev
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: karpachoff.com/muzhchina-posle-razvoda/
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