What do innocent children suffer for?

"You have a car, I have an apartment," my mother said in a calm tone as my father started talking about the divorce, "the children stay with me, and it's out of the question!" Twenty years later, I remember word from this conversation. I’m eight years old at the time and I’m scared, but my ten-year-old sister comforts me: “Don’t be afraid, he’s joking, Dad’s good, he won’t leave us.” But Dad wasn't kidding.





Of course, the children will not go anywhere, but the apartment is a completely different matter. For some reason, they think about children in the last place: still a little, they will forget! Without a man in the house you can live, but without a house, alas.

If you reject the reasons that served as a reason for divorceThe division of property is a matter of honor. “I don’t need anything from you, it’s for the kids!” It is clear that the TV, car and cottage are common. Whose kids are they?



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The reality is that the baby always stays with the mother. And she may, in addition to resentment, shame, anger and claims, get a little more alimony. But sharing an apartment doesn't hurt. It is much more painful when children are separated and an innocent child becomes an instrument of retribution. parental errors.

For ex-spouse chances divorce Not really. As long as the children grow, the adult will have to run for a long time. And you have to get out, you have to stay intact, get up, catch your breath and decide what to do next.





Psychologists say that the actions during a divorce are similar to the actions of a fire: first put an oxygen mask on yourself, then on the child.

But divorce is the hardest. trauma at any age. Childhood problems can poison adult life. Therefore, parents need to find a way to reconcile and not divide the child, breaking the relationship.



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The child always tries to reconcile the parents. If they are enemies to each other, then for a child they are the most important and the best people. In such a situation, some children suffer: “If I can’t help my mom and dad reconcile, if I can’t make it nice for my mom so as not to offend my dad, then I’m bad, there’s something wrong with me.” It's all my fault.”

Others, sad as it may sound, are looking for material gain: Your war is your business, and I need a bicycle. And a computer. Next, the child openly manipulates the parents and pits them against who will offer the highest price. There is no such thing as faith in love, there is no such thing.



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What do parents do to their parents? new life after divorce Has it not turned into a protracted Cold War, the only result of which is a traumatized child? Psychologists advise to follow some rules.

How to help your child survive divorce

1. Be honest about the reason for the divorce. Lying is a sure way to earn problems for your child and for yourself in old age.
2. Your frustration, confusion, despair, fear and anger are traitors in conversation. The intonations that give out these emotions are most captured by children. So if divorce is a disaster for you, try not to scare your child with your own. genuinely. Choose the tone so that the situation looks like the only right solution.
   
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3. Limit conflict situations, quarreling And don't say bad things about your ex-husband or wife. It's very difficult, but we have to agree to respect this rule.
4. Support your child if they are unable to contain their emotions. In a calm tone, without reproach, explain to him that he is not guilty of the divorce. Dad will always be his dad and mom will always be his mom, even though they don’t live together.
   
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5. Pay attention. physical contact. Embrace your child more often and say that you love him, that the other parent also loves him, even though he lives separately. And even if you are motivated by resentment, imagine that the former spouse would not say otherwise.
6. Never say “Daddy is bad,” “It’s mom’s fault,” “It’s all over.” By avoiding these phrases, you will know where your weaknesses And what was your contribution to the breakup of the family? If the mother convinces the child that the father is a scoundrel and a loser, he may think that he is half a loser, because he looks like both parents.
7. Remember, it is much easier for children to love multiple parents (if new families are formed after a divorce) than it is for them. choose between mom and dad.

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Communication with the other parent should not be restricted. Meetings should be held regularly. A child needs a father. Just like my mother. Don't use the common gimmick that while you're having a hard time, your father's best be on the sidelines and wait for things to settle down. They will calm down and start communicating! Trust me, they won't. If the Pope was not there in a difficult moment, he is automatically considered a traitor. And in adult life, this betrayal will respond by the inability to build the right relationship with the opposite sex.





Do not change the mode of the day and maintain established traditions (visiting sports sections, grandmothers on weekends).

Symptoms of depressionThose that occur in children after divorce persist for two years or longer. They are different depending on the age and nature of the child: nightmares, tearfulness, tantrums, apathy, whims, aggressiveness, tendency to quarrels, deterioration of performance. Therefore, both the mother and the father should be patient and help the child.



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If a divorce affects your family, psychologists explain how to tell your child.

How to Tell Your Child About Divorce

1. Divorce is not your fault.
2. Talk about your feelings and don’t hold them to yourself. You can be angry, you can be sad, it's not a shame - you have a reason.
3. You can be friends with both parents and love them instead of choosing one.
4. You don't have to be a messenger and pass messages from mom to dad, and vice versa.
   
   
   
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5. Try not to interfere in the conflicts of parents.
6. Always ask what you don't understand. Let the parents explain what happened.
7. If it's difficult, ask for help.
8. Being a child of divorced parents is no shame.
9. Remember: Mom and Dad are divorcing each other, not you!
   
   
   
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For a child to be happy, he does not need money and expensive toys. Anger, anger and resentment are the lot of father and mother. A child does not deserve to endure pain, and every loving parent has a duty to help him cope with it.

Life is full of incomprehensible things, some marriages endure, and others collapse in a couple of years. But the child appears in the family with one goal: that you love him and support him in difficult times.

Write to us in the comments, as you think: personal life after divorce Is it possible or better not to step on the rake again, but to live for the sake of children?

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