Stop clinging to the past! Bashny.Net

This is one of the most devastating feelings. Especially for women. But it girls are often brought up. And boys too, but girls to break the cycle harder. To bring on this feeling is easiest and shame. Then you don't have the child to explain something, to take, to help. Suffice it to say that hands not from that place that screwed it up again, interrupting. In General you can not even speak. The children and our thoughts feel.

And then twist different combinations, because we take different decisions. Someone then life runs away from feelings of guilt, someone deliberately causes someone to other.

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For example.

The girl broke something in the house, for example, the vase broke. Her severely scolded, obviousily in full. Remembered everything – and hand hooks, and awkward, and mom was upset. The girl feels guilty and cries. Mom, seeing this, can not stand, realizing that went too – and regret. And very emotional regret. Most likely, she's rarely in other cases, the girl hugs. And if hugs, mechanistic. And here – with all my heart.

This leads to the fact that guilt becomes a triggering mechanism for receiving love. To get love you need to be guilty, be to blame. Then all of this can buy various ugly forms. For example, to do something bad, especially something to break, break. Waiting for first attention in the form of anger and then the desired hugs and love.

This woman can all the time to complain – and to itself. I like that and syakaya, not hand out, nothing happens. Blame for the husband that can cook, that crazy, that's too smart. And waiting for only one thing – hugs and love.

Although it is possible in another way- walk up and ask. Hug me. Hold me in your arms. But it's unbearably hard. Even painful. Because then, in the early years, such requests were ignored and irritated. They almost always the answer was a refusal or neglect. And with the guilt the scheme worked always. And thumb system continues to be the main receiving love.

Other frequently encountered in our heads scheme.For the happiness you always have to pay. Any pleasure is sure to come a reckoning. Once happened something good to happen something bad. So after happened something good, need to mess it up. Blame for one's own happiness easier.

Often this scheme is formed in childhood. Parents talking about it, and demonstrate – their behavior, values or the examples of others: "look, Masha's dress is beautiful, but mom and dad are divorced. And you have mom and dad together, but the dress has no money". As if it is impossible to combine both.

There is another option, when the girl was forced "to stay put" — not to be too bright, too beautiful, too successful. Because lean is dangerous (there is about a generic scenario). Or because she is so unhappy that he could not see anyone happy. Even my daughter. And when she "POPs out" — gets on hands and head – "Hide and go back!". That is, enjoy its beauty – after swearing mother. Leaves two options – to stay put (and I want so much happiness!) or POPs out and then deal with the consequences.

And since the girls are very loyal to the mother in your soul, they often can't afford to be happy, if Mama ain't happy. Even if the mother is all that my daughter was all good, the daughter blames herself that her happiness more than my mother. And they eat yourself with guilt – without assistance. Although they can help well-wishers with advice and remarks: "your mother is sick, and you're going to marry!»

What this means in adult life?

An example of a simple. Mother left baby with daddy to go with her friend to relax. Maybe to the store or coffee shop. Unimportantly. She's getting very good, she's resting. Happy to buys some things – or talking to a friend about something interesting. Time flies.

But after some time the euphoria of the rest takes the mother starts to feel like a traitor, blame the child that was deprived of his mother, before her husband that uploaded it. Flying home on the late side (even knowing that this is how her subconscious is creating a cause for guilt). Or spends more money than agreed. Or Parking the car wrong place, getting a fine or a tow truck, Park it badly...

Home comes already in it. Expecting censure, anger, retribution for its own pleasure. Because happiness can not be given easily. For him to pay. And usually gets exactly what he bargained for. Anger, retribution for their few hours of happiness. Although the husband is likely not going to give such reactions, and can be, the baby slept all the time, not cause problems. But guilty in advance and stress the face of his wife creating this atmosphere, he suddenly starts to yell.

But you can afford to be happy. Allow yourself to be selfish sometimes, to think about yourself, to take care of themselves (though the same nightmare!), get pleasure from life, from relationships, from their classes. To be successful in their work, and to be happy with what we have. And believe, finally, that all this happened to me not for nothing, I deserve it, I have the right to enjoy it without looking back and to the sides. Even if in the moment in the world someone is hungry, I have a right to eat what is on my table. If someone near me is unhappy, that is no reason for me too to put an end to his life.

Another option is the formation of relations with the guilt, but from the perspective of a child. Mom works a lot, feels guilty. Therefore, in the days of special employment allows the child to all. And TV well into the night and lots of sweet. The conclusion is simple. To get what you want, you need to force a person to be guilty.

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The girl grows up and her husband all the time to her. It was late, you did bad, then her thoughts do not guess. Because it's convenient, it's easy. She even don't say anything. It is enough to see. And then you can allow yourself anything. Innocent then they should. It becomes a handy tool of manipulation, generating a lot of bonuses. Obviousity other to get what you want.

And again — don't need to ask. Because children's requests all too often ignored. Especially if the request is about love, time and attention. To buy a toy is just. And to listen, to look at the drawings – it is often the parents have no energy, time, desires. Then there are such substitution, are formed in the mind of the child complex schemes – how to get what you want using other tools. Guilt is one of the most commonly used.

But wine weighs a lot more than anything else. Not so terrible insult to parents, how much wine in front of them. To forgive resentment is easier than forgiving yourself. Even if everyone understands.

It is guilt creates a heavy burden on the shoulders of the woman, forcing her to make many unnecessary movements, afraid of their own feelings and desires.

So right now, write to whom and what you blame. The list can be huge and difficult. Don't be afraid to go it on a meeting – breathe deeply and discharge all that is:

• Me mum and dad got divorced and suffered all his life
• Because my mother couldn't make it
• For me, my mother went into some kind of disease
• Due to the fact that I'm a girl, not a boy, dad always worried
• Because of me my mother couldn't get married
• Me parents had to work hard and to sacrifice everything
• Because my grandmother was upset, and she had a seizure
• Because my mom was arguing with dad
• Because my brother began to love less
• Because my mother had an abortion after my birth
• Me dad had a fight with his friend
• Because my classmate almost had a mountain of pills
• For me my former man could find himself
• Due to me wrecking my marriage
• Because of me the kids got a lot of injuries
• Because my kid is sick
• Because of me we got the penalty
• For me work blockage
• Because I got in trouble the other person

And so on.Write all the things that you actually drag at the shoulders. What you hold in yourself for ten, twenty, thirty years. You blame your parents, children, men, friends, acquaintances. What is your fault? Before anybody? How many years do you go with this, carry, endure, compensate?

And then turn the leaf. And think. What do you want from these people now? What he wanted then? That can now heal your guilt? What words and actions you expect from others? What can't decide?

And I suggest you to take the first step towards liberation. For example, begin to ask about love, instead of to the surrogates using guilt. Or to call my mom and just say: "I am very sorry that because of me you couldn't make it. I'm sorry, mommy. I love you and would love to make you happy". And it may be that nothing you tortured yourself all these years. Or write a letter of feelings (not his real name) to someone from the past, going through all the emotions from anger, resentment, irritation to gratitude and love, through a sense of guilt in the center. Especially by staying on it.

We can't change our past. To rewrite it, to make it better. Our past made us who we are today. But what we will be tomorrow depends on our today's decisions. To be grateful to the past and be satisfied today and be open to the future.

Burn the list of your vinovataja. Send them away. Stop for them to cling to. Tools that good for you worked, served as a reliable service, saved from something, something helped you to achieve this. But it is ineffective. Old. You dig with a crowbar. And next is a spade. And even the tractor had been invented. And all of you with a crowbar, Yes a crowbar.

Much nicer and more useful to ask for love and receive it. Yes, it is terrible. Especially initially. But it is more effective. No unnecessary ballast. Just walk up to her husband in the evening and quietly say, "I want so much for you to handle so you gave me a hug and held her close. Possible?". First you'll want to stick about how you were bad and hard and all – but is from the same Opera – think of me because I am so unhappy and guilty. Guilty even, that I ask you now a little bit of attention. Even if such flashes – better in words than in actions. Gradually and from the speech can be such things to remove. And then – and thoughts of.

We all have something to love. Though we are imperfect and imperfect. Although we make mistakes and hurt each other the inconvenience and pain. We still can love. I want to say "we deserve it", but really we all have the right to love by birth in this world. Just because we are. Such as it is. And love can make us better, cleaner, happier and healthier (because poor people are always useless for the rest).

Guilt is curable. With the adoption of its imperfections. The acceptance of the perfection of a Higher power that these are the lessons sent us in this world. Sincerity and the ability to ask. By allowing myself to be happy.

Are you ready right now to begin life without a sense of guilt, to refuse all bonuses that it brings you and to build a life otherwise?published 

Author: Olga Valyaeva, Chapter from the book with the provisional title "Mature women»

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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Source: www.valyaeva.ru/a-kakie-u-vas-otnosheniya-s-chuvstvom-viny/