To tell or not to tell the truth? If, say, it is an unpleasant man to speak? Where is that boundary beyond which you are obliged to lie, continuing to be an honest man, a man to stay polite?
For example, asks you wife (a close friend, if you are a woman): "am I getting fat?"Which answer is correct?
"Oh, honey, you look like a plank, it would not have broken!" (200% lie)
"No, I don't notice, as before, are as good" (150% lie)
"A little but it is sooo you, you just blossomed and has got prettier!" (100% lie)
"Yes. But in the strategically right places!" (50% lies)
"Yes, but you do not spoil" (30% lies)
"Yes, considerably" (0% lies)
What to say something? So here right to roll out the plain truth or to lie a little? Or a lot?
The girl asks, why not tell the truth, why not tell the man that he is ugly and poor, and why you don't want on a date with him, not because you are busy at work, why not tell the man that he's a bore, so I don't want to drink with him, and not for any other valid reason, and why also you not just say that you're fat and ugly, it would be easier and more fair. Why do we need these rules of politeness that makes people lie to each other?Rules of courtesy are needed for one purpose.
Not to manipulate, not for careerism, not for opportunism, not in order to cover their cowardice, but in order to stay within its borders. NOT to TOUCH = to remain within its borders.
This requires courtesy. It's like not stepping on his feet, not breaking into someone's house and personal boundaries should not get involved. You can speak any truth, but remain within its borders.
This is the only rule that will help you determine where not to lie, and where you have and how much. Ideally you should be as honest, but within its borders.
And so look.
She would reply, in jest: "You're not my type and earn three times as much as I do, about what we on a date with you to walk?"What's wrong with this honest answer? The fact that he goes out of the boundaries.
The man asks if she will go out on a date? He is interested in the fact: "Yes" or "no" and maybe a slight hint of fact, does this change in the near future. For example, if it is denied because of a cold, it'll wait for its end, and if it is, in principle, do not like, will not wait.
Criticism, negative evaluations, he does not want to hear. To pour out to him all his dislike to talk in detail about their tastes, dreams in all their nuances to anything. This is totally unnecessary information for people with unpleasant and aggressive satisfied with hurting him. It's an invasion of his boundaries, as he politely invited out on a date and it is not necessary to describe his misery in response to this polite invitation
. Ham can kick, say, a normal person why?
A polite answer in this case is one that will not give any extra drops, especially the extra aggressive the information, and give only the most useful. "No, too busy" is a polite response and quite true. You are engaged to this man. For more beautiful and rich free, and for this busy. Whether you are very free, there is absolutely no demand on the market, you lose, you die of boredom, maybe he would have seemed to you interesting enough to date, and so no.
That is, "I'm busy" is not a lie, it's just polite, that is, the delicate boundaries are respected. A minimum of useful information.
A bit tougher and more truthful answer: "No, I don't want to." Without explanation. It is also within the boundaries. To insist on an explanation he has no right. If lacking, you have the right answer harder. "I don't like you". It is also within the boundaries.
And now a look at the question of the wife to her husband, if she recovered.
It is not her nutritionist, whose task is to monitor her weight, to help maintain harmony.
He is not her coach, which she pays in expectation to have a cute figure.
He is not even a psychologist whom she asks to spare her from the illusions and honestly and to point out all the bugs.
He is her husband, and she would like support and participation. Of love and desire. Husbands make for the sake of it.
Of course, he doesn't have to lie especially if you lie against its interests. If he does not like the fulness of his wife, he has every right to say that, Yes, she recovered. But to say he needs delicately.
Just enough to answer her question, Yes, there is, without hitting and without offending. And if it is the fulness of his not mind, then he can say "no" even if she is.
So: "Yes, you're ugly and like a fat pig" is not an honest answer. This is the answer mentally unstable person who acts out his aggression momentary close, smashing its boundaries. It is unlikely he is so disgusting, if he lives with her, and if so, how the relationship makes him stay close? The fear of change? The horror of a new life? Greed in relation to given investments? In any case, it is dependent, weak creature that does not solve the problem of their addiction, stay near the hated woman whom he is ready to destroy verbal (in impotent rage at their inertia and inability to change life). With annoying you, you hated people don't need to talk to, much less live together.And loved ones you need to answer politely and delicately, without injuring them.
If a person irritates you, it is necessary to do everything to distance yourself from him and not to engage in dialogue and communication. And then there will be situations where you have to answer aggressive the truth. Enemies, say nothing, friends, warm or neutral words.
(There are, of course, exceptions, when a loved — his own enemy, and no hatred, but to his behavior, but these challenging cases and then analyze).The correct answer to the wife
(if the husband does not like the fullness, but the real threat to health): "a little bit".
It will give her to understand that she's fine that you see it that you don't like it. The objective will be achieved. The border intact.
And to pour out his trouble, its aesthetic suffering, their feelings about how her she was fat and how you hate to see — a violation of boundaries. Suffice it to say that there is a problem and offer to solve it. But if she does not want to solve, alas, you will have to decide whether you stay close. It is your right to show aggression — no.
Many believe that they have the full right to convey to others my pain. But your pain for the little people, if they're not interested in you. Sort it out themselves. Or contact with the pain specialists. For money or policy. To the doctor, go to a therapist, they complain how you hate to look at something in your life. A person to listen it is uninteresting. You think that it is very important your opinion about it, and since he had the temerity to engage in dialogue and to ask you something about yourself, you have to dump him everything you think, feel, what worry. It is not necessary. Give the least useful information. Useful and important for you.
You should not build relationships with people that you don't needGolden rules of dialogue with difficult people
As to the question about the cases don't have to tell all the other uninteresting details, and any other question answer what others want, what your interests overlap. And the fact that others quite uninteresting and unpleasant to hear, and you want, but the money for a therapist, no, tell the Confessor, for example, or my cat. First you will strictly stop and call to think less about yourself, more for others and God, and the second just go to sleep by your monotonous grumbling or whining. Either your words don't hurt. So you have to tell max the truth, but one that minimally touches
(if you are not authorized to touch and open problems). Such a rule.
Author: Marina Komissarova
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©