I don't love you! You are bad! Bashny.Net

There is a common and widely used expression “test the boundaries”, it is so entered in turn, we don't really reflect who and what limits, checks, and most importantly – why.

“He's just testing the boundaries” – it is a hackneyed excuse that these are some “boundaries” need to be below meatier to teach it. What, and is it necessary – no one asks.

The child begins to test the boundaries not during the crisis 3 years. And not even during the “terrible year-olds”. And from the very first day. What can I say – we do still check the lines: “As well as this time is He? And not to take me for a marathon at the age of 37? And if I can? And bend the world under us?”

It is a good the border, they are worth checking out and break. It is the boundaries of our fears, newmani, borders, templates and stupid, complexes and prejudices, our capacity and will.

And we support the child in his first clumsy attempts to babble, reach out a hand to the edge of the bed and stand in it, for the first time to stand up – can you imagine how it may feel, suddenly feel a faint hope for resistance in these uncertain, wobbly, unstable legs infant?





He just broke the boundary to the horizon, and we cried from the unbearable tenderness, pride and emotion, and kept his hands, and said, “Baby, you can do it!”. And he broke the border depends on us, for the first time after taking the spoon and smearing the mess on her cheeks, and a stubborn “I can do it!”, dragging awkwardly with such a complex, sticky, not-catch-can panties, trying, growing, growing up, and we were proud of and poured the soup “it's Nothing, really, we'll dry – but you, you eat!”.

And not shown how to wash the floors for him – we wanted him to go forward, we kept quietly so as not to break this fragile porcelain first pride to never it never felt small, awkward, stupid, flawed. So he knew – that he's a strong boy and can handle it.

No child stronger message than: “You're my strong little boy, you can do it, I'm with you”.

In this two mighty powers without which it is so difficult to live in the world, and if you want to cry now, like me, you will understand that it is stronger there will be no sermons, no lectures, no razvivalas, no words, nothing is stronger and more important than your faith in his strength and your love and protection. They are endlessly fed and life will feed two driving forces – the need to conquer the world and the need to be accepted and loved.

And then suddenly, instead of touching exploration of self catering or sitting on the pot, he's getting 3 years, and it just develops make independent decisions. He learned to control a three-wheeled bike, and he learns to control people.

“No, I will do as I want!” he says in the face. Or does face.

And us covers. Serves all of our children's behavioral inhibitions and silly fears, if we have it now will not show who's boss, then he will sit on the neck.

Maybe it is not the owner? Maybe the owner is not the one who, using force and experience, will crush and forced to make his own way? And yet the one who is stronger, wiser, more generous, who have banal adulthood to see the difference between force and direction, and do not press power, and continue to give the direction.





When he “mastered” the burners on the stove, we did not shout and did not lock him in the room, we gave him the “twist” is something else, and explained why, explained with respect and confidence in his ability to understand. And he understood.

Maybe instead of “very well, then. (not will get sweet, devoid of cartoons, will not go on holiday, stay in your room until you think about it)”, we can once again stop and realize that he just grows up and conquers the world. And us, including.

And must conquer, sooner or later, and we have to protect it from the gas burners and the soccer ball on the road, not for a ban to try to cook or play football. To set the direction, not to kill, it has incredible innate power to investigate, to try the strength, to grow and grow.

Maybe if we said, “I see you've become more Mature and want to resolve itself. I can't let you do that, because it's dangerous (cruel, hurtful, harmful and so on), but I think you time for you to decide whether to make it” – her desire to thwart and stomp their feet, the force of growing up, will find themselves in a new level of solutions that she can now take herself, whom we obey, and she wouldn't need to beat his head into all the walls of our inhibitions.

And if there are limits that should move as well and there are lines moving is impossible. Not cause an empty meaningless pain, you can't endanger yourself and others. Mommy can't stop loving the child. And we can and should, asking all the same idea of direction, not to put in danger, insensitivity, cruelty. And we can and must continue to prove that the boundary of our love is unshakable.





Maybe it checks not only: “And if I do forbidden, what will happen?” – in the power of research world, but also: “And if I do forbidden, Mama still with me?”. She's still the mom who said, “I'm with you, baby”?

And if the boundaries of autonomy can and should be permitted to break, within a reasonable direction, this boundary is very important to defend. “You did something really bad and cruel, it happens. Let's think how we can fix it”. We. You slipped, but you'll manage. Come to think of it, what we learned, and how not to do it. You're good. You can do it. I'm with you.

 

 

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When he screams in the face, “I don't love you! You're bad!” Very very very important that he suddenly felt that in this terrible maelstrom of anger and loneliness, where he clumsily climbed, trying to grow up and learn to control mother won't give him one, as to not leave drenched in hot sticky porridge, or slapovskogo palms in the dirt.

Mom says, “You speak evil words. You're hurting me”. And give time to him, has grown up and suddenly broke this impregnable border, inside what is most important in this moment to learn. And when he comes (he will come) with outstretched hands, she would accept it without humiliating rubbing and a forced faux apologies.

 

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

Source: www.womanfrommars.com/thinking-mommy-notes/you-can-do-it/