Myth 1. Neurosis pregnant
Situation: the woman before pregnancy was affectionate and biddable. During pregnancy she became irritable. Mother-in-law says that now it has shown its true face, because the son is not going anywhere.
A simple analysis has allowed to reveal, that she formed the character of Cinderella. She was overjoyed that she married her Prince. In gratitude his mother because she raised such a wonderful son, she willingly shouldered all the housework, hoping that it will be priced, but the extra work it saves (another myth). I felt quite the opposite. Family members generally stopped doing the job that they did before.
Over the honeymoon, he began working life. To cope with the increased responsibilities became increasingly difficult. In the shower she grumbled, but continued to suffer. When she became pregnant, which was very happy, it sometimes began to erupt at the slightest pretext. Went to the doctor. He was diagnosed with neurosis of pregnancy and said that everything will pass after birth. Most interesting is that no one close and she didn't realize that the reason for that was her nature. Then she had a lot of trouble. Details about her life I told in the book "If you want to be happy" (1995).Myth 2. The child before birth in the womb of the mother, not susceptible to mental trauma, living in Paradise, and raise him again is not necessary
Thank God, this myth is already beginning to unwind. S. groff, known to modern psychotherapist, argues that psychological trauma, which are applied to child during fetal development, leading to such illnesses as alcoholism, drug addiction, schizophrenia and manic-depressive psychosis. They proposed and the method of treatment aimed at the elimination of the fetal injury. Not all theories S. Groff I agree, but the approach is promising, and methods in some cases very effective. This is not the place to give specific recommendations for the education of the child at the fetal stage of development, but I am preparing a book on education and rehabilitation of children, where these issues will be discussed.Myth 3. Painful children
Beach of the whole process of education. Indeed, children often get sick. But let's think: why? Do we have enough attention and love you give them the opportunity to live as they want?
How to get your way? There are several ways. But the little baby only one to get sick. Then he gets attention and love of parents, all the blessings, both material and spiritual, and once it becomes the center of attention. But as soon as he recovers, then immediately attention and love gets much less. When children no longer hurt (as we say, "grow")? In the 13-14 years the attention and love of parents become unnecessary. And in that environment where children want to love and attention, with the disease not getting them. So they stop hurting. I propose to focus on children is not when they get sick, and when they are healthy. By the way, this eventually will take less time and money.
Here are some recommendations.
Attention is necessary in the form in which I want children, but not in the one we believe necessary and useful. And what they want? Yes, the same as us: to be recognised as a person to us was believed to communication was based on the psychological principles of equality, to do what you want, not what we impose. To communicate with children you need eyes in the eye. Raise their hands or bend to them. You want to manage, not to administer.
Means to act so that the child has fulfilled your desire, and I believe his performs. You are currently reading and to fulfill its desire not to notice that do my will. But in any case you read the book? Only if you are interested in. Get the children interest and desire to do what is, from your point of view, they have to do. To do this, discover the good books on management. In the book "If you want to be happy" this topic, a whole Chapter is devoted.
Myth 4. Naughty children
Absolutely not true. Kids precisely fulfill our instructions. Only we often do not realize what instruction we give them. We tell kids: "You're too young (drinking, Smoking, rude, confused girls...)". The true meaning of this phrase is: "the time will Come, and you will have (drink, smoke, be rude, be confused with the girls...). And they're trying to do it in 10, 12, 15 years, until finally there will come a time. And it comes when we are with them can not cope. We often prohibited, not realizing that the forbidden fruit is sweeter. This is what we have repeatedly said. One of my students, when he wants his children read a particular book, forbids them to do so.
In many children the only way to draw attention to yourself is to commit an unworthy act. By the way, many kids get bad grades just so they pay attention. In my teaching practice I losers do not pay attention, they put three or if they ask, even of the four, and I only standouts. Because to me it is interesting, after a while they begin to learn well.Myth 5. In the first class in the first quarter, the child should be given maximum attention
Subject to this myth of the teacher to convince parents that the first few months are extremely important for all school levels. What will be lost at this time, then do not catch up, and the whole school goes wrong. So mom take a vacation from the first of September and sit next to children when they do homework, coming to the horror of crooked fingers. Convince themselves and their offspring that they have hands grow from there, if things go well, they will become janitors. Studying turns into pure hell for the whole family. The next day about the same thing the teachers say. The child begins to fear school, and then to hate her, or he develops a neurosis.
I understand that will discourage zealous parents not to behave this way. But if you really sit over the soul of the child, it is best not to react to ugly sticks. Sooner or later there will be a beautiful stick or a crooked finger. Then the child should be praised. Those who used this technique, noting its effectiveness. After a while you can offer to a child has set a rating for a particular letter. If the assessment is too high, you need to show him a more beautiful letter written by him, but a little earlier. A wise man advised not to curse and not to punish their children, and if there is a need to hire another. Think!Myth 6. If the child is 5-6 years old playing with his genitals, then he will develop Masturbation
Parents infected with this myth literally terrorize and persecute their children for the "sin". To the forbidden fruit sweeter. Children begin to sneak and do it more often, which ultimately may lead to Masturbation. In fact, attention to the sexual organs at this age is normal and will disappear by itself.
Myth 7. Pubertal crisis
This term in medicine identifies certain psychological abnormalities and irregularities in the behavior of teenagers aged 12 — 16 years. In textbook of child psychiatry, V. V. Kovaleva there are two phases: negative (12 — 14) and positive (15 — 16 years).
In the first phase,
marked emotional instability, irritability and temper, the mood swings, the impulsiveness. Very characteristic contrasting, contradictory personality manifestations: the combination of increased sensitivity and vulnerability in relation to itself with coldness, lack of compassion for others, especially loved ones; a combination of stubbornness, especially "the spirit of contradiction", negativity with increased suggestibility, copycat behaviour, manners and saying random "authorities" and "objects of admiration" (movie stars, Champions in a particular sport, pop singers, etc.); a combination of shyness and timidity in an unfamiliar society with ostentatious swagger and brutality with the family in the presence of friends.
These different manifestations of personality, says Vladimir Kovalyov, indicates the lack of stability of the individual, on nesformirovannost the relationship between the individual components. Adolescents in this stage is characteristic of such characteristic reactions as reactions of active and passive protest (flash rudeness, disobedience, leaving home, etc.). Option reactions of protest against the guardianship can be considered a negative attitude to parents.The second phase
of puberty is characterized by a gradual harmonization of the personality of the teenager. This is manifested in the gradual balancing of the emotional-volitional sphere, the smoothing of emotional instability, irritability, impulsivity, reduced contrast and inconsistency of emotional-volitional reactions. Now the teenager is aware of his place in society, he has certain goals in life. Well, in General, all is well. But if well did not become so sick.
I want to disagree with this interpretation. Remember the "triangle of destiny" Karpman (Stalker — the Redeemer — the Victim) and the scenario of a man which is written the first five to seven years of human life. So, from my point of view, first, negative, phase a teenager trying to jump out of this scenario. And it should be seen as absolutely normal reaction of a healthy free man, trying to get rid of harassment or excessive care, trying to do something on his own.
Usually adults are able to return a teenager in a script. And the so-called positive phase of puberty indicates that the person has stopped fighting for freedom. Slavish-tyrannical nature can be considered formed.
My dear reader, this is not about you! It's about my patients who went out from the script.
On if the team of teachers could work on our children from a script! Then, perhaps, less than it would have of disease and crime. But since teachers do not possess such equipment, it is necessary to observe various forms of struggle for the kids independence. They often fall from the frying pan into the fire (for example, in various criminal factions). Children are not experience to us trust, because I know that when trying with our help to meet newly emerged needs, they will hear: "You still early... (to meet girls, to go out so late to read such books, etc.)".
In school among primary school students there is a large group that can be called razgildyayski. To 7-8th grade she will become alcohol-abuse and later alcohol-narkomana-sexual. In this group are not only stupid, but also able guys who are bored to walk for losers.
This is how teenage groups known child psychiatrist A. E. Licko.
The group may be strictly regulated with the presence of a permanent leader, the fixed role of each member of the group (some scolded, others obey). The leader is gaining in the struggle with others, expelled from the group of those who could not subdue. The group has "watchdog", usually physically strong teenager with low intelligence, the fists of which the leader keeps the group in obedience, antilinear, dreaming to take the place of a leader, "six", which is all pushed around, etc.
Often this group has "its" territory, carefully guarded from the intrusion of peers-strangers, especially members of other groups. The group is quite stable. Admission of new members is often fraught with special challenges and rituals. Reveals a tendency to intra — group symbolism symbols, their language, nicknames, etc. Similar groups are formed from the boys sang middle-aged and older.
Free teenage group is another group type, characterized by unclear roles, lack of a permanent leader. Its role is performed by different group members, depending on what currently the band is busy. The composition of the group is unstable — some leave, others come. Life groups are minimally regulated, there are no clear requirements that you must meet to join it.
Free teenage group usually numerous, if the pedagogical process at school put not interested, and guys don't see the point in learning. The instability of the group allows for a good knowledge of group process to involve children in serious study, because the grouping is not so much around the leader, how about the numerous Hobbies and Hobbies. Surrounding the latter may seem unnecessary and strange. But for the teenagers they are extremely important. They even care about how it looks on others. Sometimes they try to infect sboyat passion of others.Here is an example.
To me on consultation have led a girl of 16 years with suspected schizophrenia. She was so passionate about pop singer Bogdan Titomir, even organized a group of 60 adolescents. They collected all the songs of the singer, always knew where he was touring. At the same time they had no idea about the other currents of popular music.
My client (do not turn the language to call her patient) entered into correspondence with the singer. Knowing that he's not married, she was going to meet him during the tour and try to marry him. Fury passion has led to the fact that it gave the case all the time at the expense of learning, leisure and other entertainment. All this, of course, alerted relatives.
I, instead of criticism, offered her assistance in her attempts to marry Titomir and encouraged her to learn practical psychology. During class her horizons so expanded that she then with a smile spoke about his passion. I just used a well-known therapy for the reception of the adjustment to the patient (client), and then its management.
In a number of free groups, Hobbies, intellectual-aesthetic, which is associated with a deep interest in music, drawing, designing, etc.
There are free groups that integrate body-manual Hobbies. Students trying to strengthen their strength, stamina, acquire agility, as well as certain skills. In such cases, they go to sports clubs, groups of manual labor, motoring, etc.
Some free teenage group spend their time in the tireless search for new easy information. Teenagers need regular surface contact, allowing for an exchange of news. When we got the video, they have become a scourge for the school. Many teenagers spend all my time viewing of kinoboeviki, erotic movies, horror movies, etc.
Contacts and experience are preferred are as light as the information itself. Learn it on a superficial level and mainly in order to share with others. The data obtained are easily forgotten, their meaning did not penetrate deeply. Hobbies become a way of avoiding trouble, the dullness of everyday school life and can underlie behavioral disturbances.
Why in adolescence and early adulthood begin to experience the reaction of the group, and the group process is particularly intense? I think it is due to the fact that children are looking for a hero, which they would like to emulate. How may become a hero to baby's loser father, who picks on him and battered his mother's anger? How can be a heroine for a child of a mother who indulges in all to him, nothing deserved his business, he is working on it to the detriment of their interests, and he sees only her back as she prepares his food or washes his underwear?
You need to become a hero to your child! And for this to take place, to be able to defend their interests, to be the interesting interlocutor and a person. You need to show and not tell the child how to live. This situation can be formulated differently: if you want to see his children happy, be happy yourself! Words do not educate, educates the act. Many parents that have passed our training, managed to avoid conflict with their children. They made interesting for children Affairs, and they began to reach for him. If this doesn't work, you can encourage the teenager appeared to be close to him, and at the right time to take with it.Listen to the story of one of my students.
"I was very worried that his son decided to go to professional guards. At this time I have focused on one promising, which still did not give material effect. The son believed that he will work faster, becoming the bodyguard of a major businessman. Instead of arguing, I signed up for the Wushu section. However, in his section he would not let me. In the evenings we would brag.
He did better than me. He told me I could learn a little and sarcastically criticized. But I was satisfied because was aware of all his Affairs. When I came financial success, I asked my son help. I had to get a large sum of money, and he had to guard me. When the son saw the respect I was treated persons pay this amount. He became interested in my case. Now we are cooperating. While in the past it often sought to leave home, but now from the house will not expel".
Myth 8. "All men are womanizers"
There is a song: "Our Borka — ladies 'man". But this is a slander on the men's floor. The man is a lazy animal, which, if he was not alone after work to lie on the couch, reading the newspaper, or drive into the TV and will watch stories about a football game or news program. There are other options: car, garden, computer games, etc. If women had more patience and less aggression, they would have realized that after some time they will also be paid attention.
Hello, my dear reader, this is not about you! It's about those women who come to me with a request to return their wayward husbands in the bosom of the family. I always ask the question: "what have you done to husband left you?" "From forest — snake, the house — wife [kicks]" — says the proverb. After all, if it is a lazy animal decided to leave his couch, therefore, you must be getting desperate. In his heart he is ready to kill you.
A. P. Chekhov the hero of the story "My wife (letter to the editor — Raul Bluebeard)" hero, and do so with their wives. But he was indignant when he was accused that he poisoned them for their own pleasure: "God, how much moral anguish, serious doubt, painful days and weeks I had to endure before I decide to buy one of these small, frail creatures with morphine or phosphorous matches! Not a whim, not eating or bloated, lazy knight, not hardness of heart but a whole range of screaming causes and consequences of forced me to appeal to the courtesy of my doctor.
Not operetta, but a dramatic razgibatelnyh Opera played out in my soul when I am after excruciating joint life and after a long searing reflections was sent to the bench for the matches".
He then gives the psychological characteristics of their wives, who had poisoned. Now is not the time. Those who have the means, we have to go to their homes. Others become wolves, and then leave, if you find a woman who agree to maintain them.
Abandoned women are United by a single slogan: "If I invented you, become as I want!". That will throw them programmed to their script. The fact that they are psychological vampires, as the hours their husbands. Women throw Molen split into two categories: Mothers and Daughters. Mothers throw more often, but the noise they raise less n just cry quietly. Daughters throw less but not because I don't want to do, but because they are afraid, as they often resort to the scandals, the blackmail, and had contacted the party Committee.
Here you can reproach me: "I was Going to write about womanizer, but he writes about women." What to write about womanizer? It's a myth! Womanizer does not exist. So I write about the roots of the phenomenon. Didn't you indignant when I told myths about children, and talked more about his parents. Remove the root — the flowers!
So, let's continue.
Mothers are divided into two types: a Caring Mother and Raising Mother. Remember the vampire is a Caring Mother? But in this case, the object of vampirism — husband.
That's what tells about his wife -Caring Mother — Chekhov Raul Bluebeard.
"The little brunette with long, curly hair and large, like a colt with his eyes. Slender, flexible, like a spring (it looks, there may be options. And then — the character and behavior of a typical. — M. L.).
I was touched by the humility and meekness that was poured in her eyes, and the ability to constantly remain silent — a rare talent I have in a woman above all artistic talents! It was narrow-minded, limited, but full of truth and sincerity being. She mixed Pushkin and Pugachev, Europe and America, seldom read, never knew, all always wondered, but for all time of its existence is not consciously said no word of a lie, did not make a single false movement: when you need to cry — she cried when she had to laugh, she laughed, do not hesitate neither the place nor the time.
It was natural, like a silly, young lamb. Force cat's love is proverbial, but, I bet what you want, no cats loved my cat as I loved this tiny woman. The whole day... she persistently walked behind me and, without lifting his eyes, stared me in the face like on my forehead was written a note which she was breathing, moving, talking... "..."...Never tasted I that knew how to prepare her fingers. The soup is too salty it set to the height of mortal sin, and overcooked the steak saw the demoralization of their little morals. The suspicion that I'm hungry, or unhappy with the dish, it was one of terrible suffering...
But there was nothing to cast her in such grief as my ailments. When I coughed, or pretended that I have a upset stomach, she is pale, with cold sweat on his forehead, walked from corner to corner and broke My fingers... the short absence had made her think that I crushed the competition, fell from the bridge into the river, died of a stroke... When, after a friendly drinking I came home "tipsy" and blagodarstvuju, settled down on the sofa with a novel, Gaboriau, no curses, not even pinkie didn't deliver me from foolish compress on his head, warm cotton blankets and a glass of Linden tea. (At night she refused him close. The Czechs, however, writes about it. I know this from clinical practice. — M. L.)
This eternal looking into my eyes, this constant oversight of my appetite, the steady pursuit of my colds, cough, mild headache, rode me. In the end I couldn't take... I poisoned her..."
I repeat, men do not poison their wives. They become a womanizer. With Caring Mother, there are two types: a Successful Businessman and Research scientist.
A successful Businessman, as a rule, sanguine or choleric. Women to him and stick. He is not going to leave such a comfortable wife, but quite often changes mistresses. This "weakness" famous colleagues, but they belong to her rather condescendingly. Who among us is without sin! Mistress his — or hetero high-flying, or a business partner. And if Caring Mother put up with his cheating and will not hold them, then the marriage may continue indefinitely. The key to the safety of the family's frequent infidelity.
The danger comes when the relationship becomes long and a Successful Businessman begins to understand the charms that you can get from a female friend, from a woman who is a kindred spirit and ally (ally and not an assistant) in business. It eliminates the need for frequent change of sexual partners. The marriage breaks up and he marries his mistress.
Researcher often is a carrier of a melancholic or phlegmatic temperament. So great success with the women he enjoys, and the service is slow. He is content with his family life and reputation of being an exemplary family man. The situation changes when he knocked in the heads. His social standing becomes a solid, tangible material well-being, and behavior more relaxed and confident.
And here begins the hunt for him. And hunt for him vampires Mellifluous Siren or Princess and the pea. They begin to help him in his work, admiring it, showing him their abilities not only in business and sexual issues, but also in maintaining the household. Unable to lead a dual existence, a researcher casts a Caring Mother and goes to his passions. At first they enjoy their new life, forgetting about everyone and everything. The noise around this story rises exorbitant, but in the intoxication he did not notice, not notice, and the damage causes the new link to his business, health and creativity.
After all of it pulled out, he was thrown, and, devastated, he'll come back like a whipped dog to his Caring Mother (unless, of course, will not die from any disease). I have an observation, when the failures of the researcher returns to his wife, and when again the sun rises, goes to his passions. And such cycles can be more.
Interestingly, a Caring Mother, has anger at her useless husband. In all, she's blaming the other woman, and the wife is not without reason believes just sick and seeks the advice of psychologists and therapists to help him. His role in this situation she does not realize and change themselves does not consider it necessary.
My ward (35), wife of the farm Director, with my help, returned to the family of the husband. I asked her to moderate the zeal in his worries about her husband and to do only what he asks. She my instructions are not complied with, became obsessive in his concern for his food, sleep and clothing, and he again left the family. Fortunately, the second time is easier to do.
Raising Mother as it takes the husband to raise. Often the social status and General cultural level of the wife is higher than husband's, and she's trying to hold on it to yourself. Social status to raise easier than the cultural level. When the social status of the husband-the child will be equal to the wife or exceeds her, he will cheat on her or even leave her because he does not consider it necessary to raise their cultural level and no longer wants to listen to her lecture.
It is getting absolutely filthy womanizer, choosing their partners a much lower cultural level than his wife. All this throws her into despair or even in a deep depression with thoughts of suicide. To return such a man in the bosom of the family is easy (using the technique of depreciation). But what is interesting: when the wife is attending our trainings, to ensure that her wayward husband wants to come back to her, she loses interest in him, therefore, as a result of lessons personal level becomes much higher. And already she doesn't want to live with such a man.
I advise women not to marry for "prefabricated" in the hope to "modify" it, and "finished products". Of course, you can make a mistake, for in case of failure, gain experience, or at least won't be going through those sufferings, which experienced one of my patients.
To disease brought her to her husband's infidelity. Figuring out the history of their family relations, I established this fact. In her youth she streaches with a young man whom he loved and who made her an offer. At this time she courted a guy with more low cultural level and social status than her husband. He persuaded her to abandon her planned marriage. His argument: "I'll disappear and he'll be fine" took effect. She was married to him. The result you already know. Her suffering was intensified by the fact that her former fiancé did a very good career and married, and she knew, because they lived in a small town.
Raul Bluebeard one of the wives was smart and dreamed of naucna career.
"She was talking only about "smart". Spiritualists, positivists, materialists and fell from her tongue... Speaking with her the first time, I blinked and felt like a fool. At my face she guessed I'm stupid, but I did not look down on me, but on the contrary, began to teach me how to stop being me a freak... Smart people, when they bear with the foolish, very cute!
When we returned from Church in her wedding carriage, she thoughtfully looked in the carriage window and told me about wedding customs in China. The first night she made a discovery that my skull is reminiscent of the Mongolian; here is the way taught me how to measure the skull and proved that phrenology, as a science, will not do. I listened, listened... our days consisted of listening... She said, and I blinked eyes, afraid to show that I don't understand...
A week after our wedding in my head was under the belief that smart women are difficult for our brother, terribly hard!... As a thief, I crept up to it once and put it in her coffee a piece of potassium cyanide. Matches unworthy of such a woman!"
Daughters come in three types: Sweet Serena, the Princess and the pea and a businesswoman.
From the Mellifluous Sirens husband usually makes a career, and she takes lovers, quite frequently changing them. Sooner or later the secret becomes clear, and it is in retaliation to her becoming a womanizer. You can even determine when it will happen. When he reaches the peak of his career and he will have free time.
The Princess and the pea sooner or later their whims brings the husband to impotence. He's getting a divorce. After some time on his way comes across another woman. With her, he feels impotent and a sexual athlete, and becoming a womanizer.
Business, a career Woman, the husband goes into the home, forcing him to deal with the Housewives, and he becomes a womanizer.
In our house all women put their husbands in an example of one man who washed his wife, even her underwear. I was not surprised when he learned that his side have side family, where he managed to have a baby. Since my wife ceased to compare me with other men. I had a good trump card.
Indeed, when a man is trained to run the household, he gets the freedom, and it is dangerous. Some women intuitively excluded men from domestic work. Men become helpless and can't get away from their wives. You ask me why intuitively? Answer. At the level of consciousness women complain that the housework do everything themselves. But if the man decides to help her, you will hear a lot of reproaches about the fact that the floor is washed bad, linen was dirty, dust in the corners is not wiped clean... If he fails, then gets one reproach, if it helps, you dozens.Myth 9. All women are whores
We hope dispelling of this myth will help many men to establish sexual life.
Here is a simple logical error. One of the rules of logic States that Everything that is true of a collective concept may be incorrect in relation to the individual member who logs into this concept. Collective concepts are concepts composed of homogeneous objects. Examples of collective concepts are Parliament, library, platoon, etc., the Parliament adopted a law. For Parliament as a collective concept is true, but a certain Ivanov, a member of Parliament, voted against. Actually it's pretty common logic error. When you start to fight with the Parliament, then the same brush would comb and Ivanov. The same thing about this myth.
Men! Yes, even if it is true, with respect to women with which I fundamentally disagree, as well as the fact that all men are womanizers, it is rather a statistical pattern. You don't need all women. You only need one. So look for what you need. Think and don't punish the innocent, don't hang labels. We have moved away from the principle of collective responsibility.
A lot of myths associated with sexual life. I United them one with the title "legends and myths of modern sex" in the book "If you want to be happy." Many helped to establish sexual life.
Myth 10. In menopause there is withering sexual functions
Many believe that women in the involutional period sexual needs disappear. And this is another legend. Think, involutional period hormonal activity is distributed on two fronts: reproductive and sexual.
Hormonal activity really decreases with age, but disappears childbearing, and sexually has much more hormones. People say: "Forty years — Babi age of forty-five — Baba berry again". It was after 45 a time for sex: the children are grown, there is no threat of pregnancy, financial situation good, and after retirement and go to work is not necessary.
So, my grandmother, my peers, and those younger than me, do not dwell on grandchildren. Your time has not expired, on the contrary, it is now!
Myth 11. Old age is the saddest time of life
Of course not! This is evidenced by numerous observations of the sages, who lived to a ripe old age and has retained a bright mind and good health, and the disappearance of sexual needs make an old person independent and self-sufficient. A. Schopenhauer in this regard was considered old age is the best period of life.
Also interesting: Why women love alcoholics 20 sobering things we need to understand
In conclusion I want to notice that getting rid of the myths helps to become happy and free from disease. But as would be a great life, if we these myths were not infected!
Author: Michael Litvak
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©