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Liz Gilbert: We are perfect in our imperfection.
The author of the famous book “There is”. Pray. Liz Gilbert has published an essay on the “wrong” feelings that everyone has a right to. . .
Dear ones, I once went to a therapist for a strange reason. I was afraid that I might be a sociopath.
Why? I thought I was feeling something wrong.
I was 30, married, and by all indications I should have dreamed of having a child. All married women in their thirties seem to dream of having a child.
But I didn't want to have a baby. The thought of children filled me not with joy but with anxiety.
Then I decided I was probably a sociopath! (and went to the therapist to confirm the diagnosis and figure out what to do now). A kind woman carefully explained to me the difference between me and a sociopath. "A sociopath," she said, "is incapable of feeling." And you are filled with feelings. Rather, the problem is that you think you feel something wrong.”
This is why I was afraid, not because I lacked the ability to feel, but because it was difficult for me to recognize my feelings as right. I I was worried because I thought there was a “those” and a “wrong” emotion about every event, and if I caught myself on the “wrong” emotion, there was something wrong with me.
Fortunately, I don't think so anymore.
We're not operating systems!
We're human.
We're complicated. Each of us is unique. We are perfect in our imperfection. Each of us knows ourselves better than the rest. There is no single right way to feel.
Society, of course, broadcasts some ways... And in our heads, they become the only correct ones. And when you deny your feelings and try to adjust to society, the person begins to suffer. You have to drown out your feelings with unhealthy addictions, internal critic or even force yourself to stop perceiving your own feelings! At some point, you can really bring yourself almost to sociopathy, suppressing all your emotions.
Have you ever felt something wrong?
In recent years, I have amassed a vast collection of inappropriate feelings.
A friend of mine caught herself feeling grief on her wedding day. It was definitely something wrong. Imagine three hundred guests, an expensive dress from Vera Wong - and grief?
The shame with which she covered up this feeling of grief spoiled her later years of marriage. Of course, it is better not to feel anything than something wrong!
Another friend, writer Anne Patchett, recently published a bold essay about another inappropriate feeling. When her father died after a painful illness, Anne was filled with happiness. But people who read her essay on the Internet incinerated her with comments.
You can't feel like that. However, Anne felt that way - despite (or because) she adored her father and cared for him. She was happy for him and for herself because the torment had come to an end. But instead of not talking about this wrong feeling, she talked about it openly. I'm proud of her courage.
Another friend confessed after many years, "I hate Christmas." I always hated him. I will not celebrate it again. You can't!
A friend doesn't feel sad or sorry about the abortion she had thirty years ago. How dare she!
A friend stopped reading the news and discussing politics because he had the courage to say, "To be honest, I don't care anymore." You can't!
A friend said to me, "You know, they say no one has ever complained at death that they've spent too little time at work?" Because family and friends are more important? Well, I think I'll be first. I love my work, it brings me more joy than my family and friends. It is much easier to work than to deal with family problems. I am resting at work”. What? You can't!
She thought she was losing her mind when she was relieved that her husband had left after twenty years of a “good marriage.” She gave her all to the family, she believed him and was faithful - but he left her. She must suffer! She must feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated! There is a scenario in which a good wife should behave when her husband decides to divorce - but she evaded life in this scenario. All she felt was the joy of unexpected freedom. Her family was worried. Because my friend felt something wrong. They wanted to buy her pills and take her to the doctor.
My mother once admitted that the happiest time of her life began when my sister and I left home. What do you mean? She had to have empty nest syndrome and a lot of suffering! Mothers should grieve when children leave home. But my mom wanted to do a jig when her house was empty. All the mothers suffered and she wanted to sing like a bird. Of course, she didn't admit it to anyone. She would have been denounced as a bad mother. A good mother does not enjoy being free from children. You can't! What do the neighbors say?
And one more for dessert.One day a friend of mine found out about his fatal diagnosis. He loved life more than anyone else. And his first thought was, "Thank God." That feeling didn't go away. He was happy. He felt he had done everything right and it would be over soon. He was dying! He had to feel fear, rage, pain, despondency. But all he could think about was that there was nothing to worry about anymore. No savings, no retirement, no complicated relationships. No terrorism, no global warming, no garage roof fixing. He didn't even have to worry about death! He knew how his story would end. He was happy. He remained happy until the very end.
He said to me, "Life is not an easy thing. Even a good life. I had a good one, but I was tired. Time to go home from the party. I'm ready to go. How can he? Doctors told him that he was in a state of shock, and read him passages from a brochure about grief. But he wasn't in shock. Shock is when there are no feelings. He had: a sense of happiness. The doctors just didn't like it because it's the wrong feeling. But my friend had a right to feel what he felt—is sixty years of conscious and honest living not enough to win that right?
Friends, I want you to allow yourself to feel what you really feel, not what someone imposes on you as the right feeling.
I want you to rely on your own feelings.
I want the words “feeling something wrong” to make you laugh, not shame.
My friend Rob Bell talked about asking his therapist, “Is it normal that I feel this way?” and the therapist patiently replied, “Eh, Rob...” Nothing has been normal for a long time.”
Paul Graham: Where to live now to be successful
Become a Light Man!
I haven't had anything normal for a long time. I'm not going to suffer or be ashamed of what I feel.
If I am happy, my happiness is true and real to me.
If I grieve, my grief is true and real to me.
If I love, my love is true and real to me.
No one feels better when I make myself think I feel something different.
Live whole. Feel what you already feel.
Everything else is wrong. For you.
Love, Liz.
P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!
Picture: lady.tut.by/news/life/508883.html
Dear ones, I once went to a therapist for a strange reason. I was afraid that I might be a sociopath.
Why? I thought I was feeling something wrong.
I was 30, married, and by all indications I should have dreamed of having a child. All married women in their thirties seem to dream of having a child.
But I didn't want to have a baby. The thought of children filled me not with joy but with anxiety.
Then I decided I was probably a sociopath! (and went to the therapist to confirm the diagnosis and figure out what to do now). A kind woman carefully explained to me the difference between me and a sociopath. "A sociopath," she said, "is incapable of feeling." And you are filled with feelings. Rather, the problem is that you think you feel something wrong.”
This is why I was afraid, not because I lacked the ability to feel, but because it was difficult for me to recognize my feelings as right. I I was worried because I thought there was a “those” and a “wrong” emotion about every event, and if I caught myself on the “wrong” emotion, there was something wrong with me.
Fortunately, I don't think so anymore.
We're not operating systems!
We're human.
We're complicated. Each of us is unique. We are perfect in our imperfection. Each of us knows ourselves better than the rest. There is no single right way to feel.
Society, of course, broadcasts some ways... And in our heads, they become the only correct ones. And when you deny your feelings and try to adjust to society, the person begins to suffer. You have to drown out your feelings with unhealthy addictions, internal critic or even force yourself to stop perceiving your own feelings! At some point, you can really bring yourself almost to sociopathy, suppressing all your emotions.
Have you ever felt something wrong?
In recent years, I have amassed a vast collection of inappropriate feelings.
A friend of mine caught herself feeling grief on her wedding day. It was definitely something wrong. Imagine three hundred guests, an expensive dress from Vera Wong - and grief?
The shame with which she covered up this feeling of grief spoiled her later years of marriage. Of course, it is better not to feel anything than something wrong!
Another friend, writer Anne Patchett, recently published a bold essay about another inappropriate feeling. When her father died after a painful illness, Anne was filled with happiness. But people who read her essay on the Internet incinerated her with comments.
You can't feel like that. However, Anne felt that way - despite (or because) she adored her father and cared for him. She was happy for him and for herself because the torment had come to an end. But instead of not talking about this wrong feeling, she talked about it openly. I'm proud of her courage.
Another friend confessed after many years, "I hate Christmas." I always hated him. I will not celebrate it again. You can't!
A friend doesn't feel sad or sorry about the abortion she had thirty years ago. How dare she!
A friend stopped reading the news and discussing politics because he had the courage to say, "To be honest, I don't care anymore." You can't!
A friend said to me, "You know, they say no one has ever complained at death that they've spent too little time at work?" Because family and friends are more important? Well, I think I'll be first. I love my work, it brings me more joy than my family and friends. It is much easier to work than to deal with family problems. I am resting at work”. What? You can't!
She thought she was losing her mind when she was relieved that her husband had left after twenty years of a “good marriage.” She gave her all to the family, she believed him and was faithful - but he left her. She must suffer! She must feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated! There is a scenario in which a good wife should behave when her husband decides to divorce - but she evaded life in this scenario. All she felt was the joy of unexpected freedom. Her family was worried. Because my friend felt something wrong. They wanted to buy her pills and take her to the doctor.
My mother once admitted that the happiest time of her life began when my sister and I left home. What do you mean? She had to have empty nest syndrome and a lot of suffering! Mothers should grieve when children leave home. But my mom wanted to do a jig when her house was empty. All the mothers suffered and she wanted to sing like a bird. Of course, she didn't admit it to anyone. She would have been denounced as a bad mother. A good mother does not enjoy being free from children. You can't! What do the neighbors say?
And one more for dessert.One day a friend of mine found out about his fatal diagnosis. He loved life more than anyone else. And his first thought was, "Thank God." That feeling didn't go away. He was happy. He felt he had done everything right and it would be over soon. He was dying! He had to feel fear, rage, pain, despondency. But all he could think about was that there was nothing to worry about anymore. No savings, no retirement, no complicated relationships. No terrorism, no global warming, no garage roof fixing. He didn't even have to worry about death! He knew how his story would end. He was happy. He remained happy until the very end.
He said to me, "Life is not an easy thing. Even a good life. I had a good one, but I was tired. Time to go home from the party. I'm ready to go. How can he? Doctors told him that he was in a state of shock, and read him passages from a brochure about grief. But he wasn't in shock. Shock is when there are no feelings. He had: a sense of happiness. The doctors just didn't like it because it's the wrong feeling. But my friend had a right to feel what he felt—is sixty years of conscious and honest living not enough to win that right?
Friends, I want you to allow yourself to feel what you really feel, not what someone imposes on you as the right feeling.
I want you to rely on your own feelings.
I want the words “feeling something wrong” to make you laugh, not shame.
My friend Rob Bell talked about asking his therapist, “Is it normal that I feel this way?” and the therapist patiently replied, “Eh, Rob...” Nothing has been normal for a long time.”
Paul Graham: Where to live now to be successful
Become a Light Man!
I haven't had anything normal for a long time. I'm not going to suffer or be ashamed of what I feel.
If I am happy, my happiness is true and real to me.
If I grieve, my grief is true and real to me.
If I love, my love is true and real to me.
No one feels better when I make myself think I feel something different.
Live whole. Feel what you already feel.
Everything else is wrong. For you.
Love, Liz.
P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!
Picture: lady.tut.by/news/life/508883.html