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Liz Gilbert about "THOSE" and "wrong" emotions
Bashny.Net
One day, I went to the therapist for some strange reason. I was scared that I might be a sociopath.
Why? I thought I was FEELING SOMETHING.
I was 30, I was married and all the signs I was dreaming about the birth of a child. All married women over thirty, think, dream of a child.
But I didn't want to have a baby. The idea of children filled me not with joy, and concern.
Then I decided: I must be a sociopath! (and went to a therapist to confirm the diagnosis and to figure out what to do now). The good woman carefully explained to me the difference between me and a sociopath. "A sociopath," said she, "unable to feel. And you just are filled to overflowing. The problem is rather that you think you FEEL SOMETHING".
That's why I was scared — not because I lacked the ability to feel, but because it was hard for me to admit my feelings are correct. I was worried because I felt that there are "those" and "wrong" emotions about each event and if I find myself on the "wrong" emotions, something is not right.
Fortunately, now I don't think so.
We do not operating systems!
We are people.
We are complex beings. Each of us is unique. We perfect in its imperfection. Each of us knows ourselves better than others. There is no single correct way to feel.
Society, of course, translates some ways... and in our minds they become the only correct one. And when you deny your feelings and try to adapt to the society, the person starts to suffer. I have to stifle my feelings unhealthy cravings, the inner critic — or even to force ourselves not to perceive their own feelings! At some point you can actually bring yourself almost to sociopathy, suppressing all their emotions.
Have you ever had to make you FEEL SOMETHING?
In recent years I've gathered a vast collection of inappropriate feelings.
One of my friends caught myself feeling grief in the day of their wedding. It was definitely SOMETHING. Imagine three hundred guests, expensive dress from Vera Wang — and Woe?
Shame that she's had this feeling of grief spoiled her later years of marriage. Of course,it is better to feel nothing than to FEEL SOMETHING!
Another friend, the novelist Ann Patchett recently published a courageous essay on friend the wrong sense. When, after a painful illness, her father died, Anne was filled with happiness. But the people who read her essay on the Internet, incinerated her comments. It is SO IMPOSSIBLE to FEEL. However, Anne felt that way — despite (or because of) that she loved my father and cared for him. She was happy for him and for myself, because the torment came to an end. But instead of remain silent about it the WRONG FEELING, she talked about it openly. I am proud of her courage.
Another friend after many years said: "I hate Christmas. I always hated him. I will not celebrate it!". SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!
Friend does not feel sadness or regret about the abortion, which she did thirty years ago. YES, HOW DARE SHE!
The other ceased to read news and to discuss politics, because plucked up courage and said, "honestly, I don't care". SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!
One friend told me: "you Know, they say — they haven't complained at death that he spent too little time at work? Because family and friends are much more important? So, I'm going to win. I love my job, it brings me more joy than family and friends. And the work is much easier than dealing with family problems. I'm at work resting." WHAT? SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!
The friend thought that is crazy, when I felt enormous relief that her husband left after twenty years, "a good marriage". She gave all her family, she believed him and was correct — but he left her. She must suffer! She must feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated! There is a script, which should behave a good wife, when the husband decides to divorce her — but she evaded life in this scenario. Everything she felt — the joy of unexpected freedom. Her family was worried. Because my friend FELT THAT SOMETHING was wrong. They wanted to buy her drugs and to reduce to the doctor.
My mother once said that the happiest time in her life began when my sister left home. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? She was supposed to be empty-nest syndrome and a lot of suffering! Mothers must grieve when children leave home. But my mom wanted to dance a jig when her house was empty. All mothers had suffered, and she wanted to sing like a bird. Of course, it is not admitted. It would be immediately denounced as a bad mother. A good mother does not rejoice in the freedom of children. SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE! What will the neighbours say?
And one more for dessert: one day my friend learned of his fatal diagnosis. He loved life more than anyone else. And his first thought was: "Thank God." This feeling did not go away. He was happy. He felt that he did everything right and it will be over soon. He was dying! He should have felt fear, rage, pain, sadness. But all he could think was — no need to worry about anything. Neither the savings nor pensions, nor about complicated relationships. Neither about terrorism nor about global warming, nor on repairing the roof of the garage. He didn't even have to worry about dying! He knew how to end his story. He was happy. And he stayed happy until the end.
He told me: "Life's tough. Even a good life. I was good, but I'm tired. Time to go home from a party. I'm ready to go." YES HOW CAN HE? Doctors asserted that he was in a state of shock, and read him passages from the pamphlet about the mountain. But he was not in a state of shock. Shock — this is when the feeling is not. He had: the feeling of happiness. The doctors just didn't like it because it's a WRONG FEELING. However, my friend had a right to feel what he felt — perhaps sixty years of conscious and honest life enough for him to win this right?
Friends, I want you to allow yourself to feel what you really feel — not what someone imposes as the correct sense.
I want you was based on your own feeling.
I want words FEEL SOMETHING makes you laugh, not shame.
My friend Rob bell talked about how he asked his therapist: "is it Normal that I feel this way?", and he patiently answered: "Oh, Rob... normal for a long time did not."
I, too normal for a long time did not. I'm not going to suffer and feel ashamed about what I vzbredet feel.
If I'm happy, my happiness is true and real for me.
If I grieve, my grief is true and real for me.
If I do my love is true and real for me.
Nobody better when I force myself to think that I feel something different.
Live integrally. Feel what you already feel.
Everything else is SOMETHING. For you.
With love, Elizabeth Gilbert.published
Translation: Elena Trushkova
Source: anotherindianwinter.ru/post/149081532118/wrongemotion
Why? I thought I was FEELING SOMETHING.
I was 30, I was married and all the signs I was dreaming about the birth of a child. All married women over thirty, think, dream of a child.
But I didn't want to have a baby. The idea of children filled me not with joy, and concern.
Then I decided: I must be a sociopath! (and went to a therapist to confirm the diagnosis and to figure out what to do now). The good woman carefully explained to me the difference between me and a sociopath. "A sociopath," said she, "unable to feel. And you just are filled to overflowing. The problem is rather that you think you FEEL SOMETHING".
That's why I was scared — not because I lacked the ability to feel, but because it was hard for me to admit my feelings are correct. I was worried because I felt that there are "those" and "wrong" emotions about each event and if I find myself on the "wrong" emotions, something is not right.
Fortunately, now I don't think so.
We do not operating systems!
We are people.
We are complex beings. Each of us is unique. We perfect in its imperfection. Each of us knows ourselves better than others. There is no single correct way to feel.
Society, of course, translates some ways... and in our minds they become the only correct one. And when you deny your feelings and try to adapt to the society, the person starts to suffer. I have to stifle my feelings unhealthy cravings, the inner critic — or even to force ourselves not to perceive their own feelings! At some point you can actually bring yourself almost to sociopathy, suppressing all their emotions.
Have you ever had to make you FEEL SOMETHING?
In recent years I've gathered a vast collection of inappropriate feelings.
One of my friends caught myself feeling grief in the day of their wedding. It was definitely SOMETHING. Imagine three hundred guests, expensive dress from Vera Wang — and Woe?
Shame that she's had this feeling of grief spoiled her later years of marriage. Of course,it is better to feel nothing than to FEEL SOMETHING!
Another friend, the novelist Ann Patchett recently published a courageous essay on friend the wrong sense. When, after a painful illness, her father died, Anne was filled with happiness. But the people who read her essay on the Internet, incinerated her comments. It is SO IMPOSSIBLE to FEEL. However, Anne felt that way — despite (or because of) that she loved my father and cared for him. She was happy for him and for myself, because the torment came to an end. But instead of remain silent about it the WRONG FEELING, she talked about it openly. I am proud of her courage.
Another friend after many years said: "I hate Christmas. I always hated him. I will not celebrate it!". SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!
Friend does not feel sadness or regret about the abortion, which she did thirty years ago. YES, HOW DARE SHE!
The other ceased to read news and to discuss politics, because plucked up courage and said, "honestly, I don't care". SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!
One friend told me: "you Know, they say — they haven't complained at death that he spent too little time at work? Because family and friends are much more important? So, I'm going to win. I love my job, it brings me more joy than family and friends. And the work is much easier than dealing with family problems. I'm at work resting." WHAT? SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!
The friend thought that is crazy, when I felt enormous relief that her husband left after twenty years, "a good marriage". She gave all her family, she believed him and was correct — but he left her. She must suffer! She must feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated! There is a script, which should behave a good wife, when the husband decides to divorce her — but she evaded life in this scenario. Everything she felt — the joy of unexpected freedom. Her family was worried. Because my friend FELT THAT SOMETHING was wrong. They wanted to buy her drugs and to reduce to the doctor.
My mother once said that the happiest time in her life began when my sister left home. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? She was supposed to be empty-nest syndrome and a lot of suffering! Mothers must grieve when children leave home. But my mom wanted to dance a jig when her house was empty. All mothers had suffered, and she wanted to sing like a bird. Of course, it is not admitted. It would be immediately denounced as a bad mother. A good mother does not rejoice in the freedom of children. SO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE! What will the neighbours say?
And one more for dessert: one day my friend learned of his fatal diagnosis. He loved life more than anyone else. And his first thought was: "Thank God." This feeling did not go away. He was happy. He felt that he did everything right and it will be over soon. He was dying! He should have felt fear, rage, pain, sadness. But all he could think was — no need to worry about anything. Neither the savings nor pensions, nor about complicated relationships. Neither about terrorism nor about global warming, nor on repairing the roof of the garage. He didn't even have to worry about dying! He knew how to end his story. He was happy. And he stayed happy until the end.
He told me: "Life's tough. Even a good life. I was good, but I'm tired. Time to go home from a party. I'm ready to go." YES HOW CAN HE? Doctors asserted that he was in a state of shock, and read him passages from the pamphlet about the mountain. But he was not in a state of shock. Shock — this is when the feeling is not. He had: the feeling of happiness. The doctors just didn't like it because it's a WRONG FEELING. However, my friend had a right to feel what he felt — perhaps sixty years of conscious and honest life enough for him to win this right?
Friends, I want you to allow yourself to feel what you really feel — not what someone imposes as the correct sense.
I want you was based on your own feeling.
I want words FEEL SOMETHING makes you laugh, not shame.
My friend Rob bell talked about how he asked his therapist: "is it Normal that I feel this way?", and he patiently answered: "Oh, Rob... normal for a long time did not."
I, too normal for a long time did not. I'm not going to suffer and feel ashamed about what I vzbredet feel.
If I'm happy, my happiness is true and real for me.
If I grieve, my grief is true and real for me.
If I do my love is true and real for me.
Nobody better when I force myself to think that I feel something different.
Live integrally. Feel what you already feel.
Everything else is SOMETHING. For you.
With love, Elizabeth Gilbert.published
Translation: Elena Trushkova
Source: anotherindianwinter.ru/post/149081532118/wrongemotion
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