"Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest" in fifteen minutes (in the cinema you can

General plan. Rain. Bower. Elizabeth sits in the gazebo in Gothic. Tatar-Mongols led by the Oligarch land in the city.

On the main square, the Oligarch is brought to the chained Legolas, Elizabeth and the Governor.

Oligarch. Hi, I'm an Oligarch. And you are accused of what you were acquitted of at the end of the last part.
Governor. Actually, I'm the Governor.
Oligarch. Actually, I don't give a shit. I've got soldiers and money, and you've got neither, haha. Lead away!

***
General plan. Mordor. The screams of the orcs and the howls of the Nazgûl can be heard. From the tower of Saruman sails the boat of Boromir. Jack Sparrow is in the boat. Jack climbs onto an anchored ship. The Boatswain and his crew are already waiting for him on the ship.
Boatswain. Well?!
Jack. I've got it!
Team. Show!
Jack shows a schematic plan of a moonshine still.
Boatswain. What is this?!
Jack. This is a drawing of a key that we do not have, which opens a chest that we do not have.
Boatswain. Steeply! Shall we look for it?
Jack. A what?
Boatswain. Well, this one... The key. Or a chest. In general, something necessary.
Jack. You're a fool, Boatswain. In order to find something you need, you must first lose something you need, and we never had such a thing. Stand in their places, weigh anchor!

***
Captain's cabin. Jack drinks and bitterly regrets that he skipped geography classes at school. Suddenly, the rum runs out.
Jack. Oops! And after 23:00, that's bad luck.

***
Jack goes to the basement to get a stash and finds Dead Papa Legolas there.

Legolas' Dead Dad. Hi, Jack.
Jack. Hello, delirium tremens. He said you shouldn't take this non-excise rum...
Legolas' Dead Dad. No, I'm real.
Jack. It's even worse. What do you need?
Legolas' Dead Dad. Do you know David Jones?
Jack. Which Bowie is that?
Legolas' Dead Dad. This is the octopus.
Jack. Then no.
Legolas' Dead Dad. Well, it doesn't matter. He sends you greetings, a black mark and reminds you that you owe him your immortal soul.
Jack. Understood, not a fool. Team! Lift! Something has made me seasick, we immediately sail to the nearest island.

***
A ship of Caucasian nationality. Two sailors of Caucasian nationality share Jack's hat, which he lost in his hurry to get to land. A Patrol in the form of a Giant Octopus swims up to the ship.

Patrol. So, present your documents. Is there registration?
Sailors of Caucasian nationality. Oh, daragoy, why do you offend, eh? We're bringing all sorts of grass to Jamaica, aren't we?" Let's get apart like this. Do you want a shilyap, a good one?
Patrol. It makes sense. Come.
Merchants together with the ship go directly to the bottom of the sea.

***
The office of the oligarch. Legolas is introduced.
Oligarch. Oh, hello, elf. Do you want to live?
Legolas. I dream, Your Excellency.
Oligarch. Oh, dreams, dreams. For example, I dream of Jack Sparrow's compass.
Passion as I love gadgets. If you get a compass, I'll set everyone free. That's settled? Legolas. Why do I feel sorry for someone else's good for a good person? That's settled!

***
Prison, penitentiary. Elizabeth is sitting in the cell. Legolas comes.

Legolas. Lisa, don't worry, I've agreed on everything. Now I'll quickly rush to the Caribbean, rest... Uh... I'll find Jack and come back.
Elizabeth. I'll be waiting for you!
Legolas, tapping gently on the bars of the bars. Of course you will, silly. Where are you going to go?

***
Multiple influxes of shots of tropical islands. Legolas thoughtfully and leisurely searches for Jack until he accidentally stumbles upon his ship. Legolas lands on the shore, where he is immediately seized by the natives and taken to Jack, who is decorated as a Khokhloma.

Legolas. Oh, Jack! How many years, how many winters. Bring the compass here!
Jack. You seem to be mistaken. My name is Willy Wonka, and these are my Oompa Loompas. Bambarbia! Kirgudu!
Legolas. What did he say?
Natives. Don't be afraid, we won't hurt you. Chick! And that's it.

***
Precipice. A hamster wheel hangs in the cliff. In the wheel is the team, the Boatswain and Legolas.

Boatswain. No, he's not Willy Wonka. He was simply chosen by God.
Legolas. And now?
Boatswain. And now they will eat it.
Legolas. And then?
Boatswain. And then another god will be chosen.
Legolas. What an interesting life people have. Or maybe we should escape?
Boatswain. Why not run away. Hey, hamsters, let's spin the wheel! One-two, one-two!

***
The natives are peacefully roasting Jack. A boy comes running.
Boy. And there your hamsters escaped!
Jack. Everyone is behind the hamsters!
The natives run away. Jack gets off the fire and, deftly disguising himself as a barbecue, runs away in the other direction. The Boy runs to the natives who are chasing our hamsters.
Boy. And there's your Jack Sparrow running away!
Natives. Everyone is chasing the sparrows!

***
The Comic Pirates land on the island with a dog. The pirates discover the ship.
The first comic pirate. Wow, ship! Let's take him.
The second comic pirate. Are you out of your mind? Why the hell is this hefty trough for the two of us?
The first comic pirate. For a comic effect. So, I'll take you by the stern, you by the bow. One-two, they took it!

The crew, the Boatswain, Legolas, Jack and the natives run out of the jungle.
The Crew, the Boatswain, Legolas and Jack. Why are you digging?! And now they carried the ship into the water!
The ship sails away, the natives stand on the shore in thought. A boy comes running.
Boy. And there your dog ran away!
Natives. Everyone is behind the dogs!

***
Night, prison. The Governor sneaks into the detention center.
Governor. Lisa, get up. It's time to do your legs.
Elizabeth. Pa, what legs, two o'clock in the morning. And then I promised Legolas that I would wait for him.
Governor. "I promised." In this series, promises are made only to have something to break. So you will sit in this cell for the whole film, you will not have a role, but an episode in the crowd. Come on, get out quickly, I've arranged everything.
Elizabeth. Did you arrange everything? Oh, I don't like it.

The office of the oligarch. Elizabeth, who has escaped from prison and from the Pope, enters.

Oligarch. What a pleasant meeting. What do you owe you?
Elizabeth pulling out her gun. I need an indulgence. Vividly.
Oligarch. Yes please.
He writes: "What the bearer of this has done has been done by my order and for the good of the state. August 5, 1628. Richelieu".
Oligarch. Here, my lady, please. But nothing good will come of it. On the other hand, if you get me Jack's compass—"

***
Night, lightning. The boatswain, Jack and Legolas go to Orakles.
Legolas. Jack, I don't understand, say it again.
Jack. It's simple. You knock, come in, ask for water to drink and wonder if you, by chance, are the Chosen One, and what is hidden in the chest.
Legolas. And after that, you give me the compass?
Jack. I promise!

***
At the Oracle.
Oracle. Why did you come?
Legolas, shows a diagram of a moonshine still. Do you know what it is?
Oracle. Me too, Newton's binomial. It's a drawing of a key you don't have that opens a chest you don't have.
Legolas. And what's in the chest?
Oracle. Oh, it's a long story. Once upon a time, there was David Jones...
Legolas. Which Bowie is that?
Oracle. . Don't interrupt. And more than anything else in the world, David Jones loved...
Boatswain. The money!
Oracle. Now, damn it, you'll finish dancing, I'll send you, the, to Meiroving, to get a keykeeper. In short, for the stupid. There is a hare in the chest. There is a duck in the hare. There is an egg in the duck. There is a needle in the egg. In the needle is the death of Kashcheev. Any more questions?
Legolas. Where can you quickly find adventures on the ass here?

***
Night, lightning. A wrecked ship.
Legolas. Jack, I don't understand, say it again.
Jack. It's simple. You swim to the ship, knock, ask for water to drink and ask who David Jones is and where he keeps the key.
Legolas. And after that, you give me the compass?
Jack. I promise!
***
Legolas gets out on the wrecked ship. Suddenly, the octopus captain and his seafood appear. Legolas, dipping his sword in a barrel of oil that happened to be nearby, begins to wave them away with the resulting torch.

Legolas. Away, demons! Away!
Octopus Captain. Who are you? Where did he come from?
Legolas. From the other side of the sea.
Octopus Captain. How did you get here?
Legolas. He saddled a lame flea and galloped up.
Octopus Captain. Uh?!
Jack. It was I who sent him here.
Octopus Captain. Oh, Jack! How is it going? Doesn't your soul hurt?
Jack. I have an offer that you can't refuse. I'm bringing you a hundred snouts, and you're wondering where you're going to put them, and you're leaving me alone. Well? How?
Octopus Captain. By tentacles! But I'll keep the boy. It will warm my heart when we climb into the basement.

***
The port ship. Two sailors argue over Elizabeth's dress. The captain approaches.
Captain. So, what kind of parade is this? Didn't they divide the clothes again?
The first sailor. Not at all, sir. We found a woman's dress. And now I claim that we will get the Inevitable Ass, and he that the Inevitable Fuck.
Captain. Dense superstitions. The dress on the ship means that Elizabeth has sneaked up on us and now we will have to dance to her tune and sail to the nearest pirate port, that's all.

***
The "Flying Dutchman" Legolas finds his Dead Dad.
Legolas. Daddy!
Legolas' Dead Dad. Sonny!
Octopus Captain. Whip him! Vividly!
Producer. And let the father beat him. It will turn out to be a very deep and psychological scene, not a single film critic from the Academy will dare to say that I shot another, unremarkable Hollywood computer action movie.

***
Pirate Port. Bar. Jack and the Boatswain are trying to recruit a hundred snouts.
Boatswain. Come up, don't be shy! A unique opportunity! Only here you can sign up for the team of the legendary "Flying Dutchman!" Places are limited.
They are approached by the former Commodore Norrington.
Commodore. Hi, Jack. Do you remember me?
Jack. Uh.
Commodore. What, nothing to say?
Jack. Uh.
Commodore. A real gentleman always has something to say.
A fight breaks out. On the sly, Jack, the Boatswain, the Commodore, and a disguised Elizabeth are molting out of the bar.
Elizabeth. Hey, Jack. Where have you put Legolas?
Jack. Everything is fine with him, I literally arranged his fate.
Elizabeth. Arranged? I don't like it.
Jack. Yes, nonsense. You'd better tell me what you'd better do – maybe you can figure out my GPS? You're a smart girl, the governor's daughter, and I didn't do well at school, besides, there are so many buttons.
Elizabeth. Oh, Jack! Of course, I'll deal with your GPS.

***
On board the Flying Dutchman
Legolas. Something is boring. Hey, David Jones. Let's go, let's get a "point".
Octopus Captain. For money?
Legolas. Only boys play for cracks like that. On the key!
Octopus Captain. And how do you know about the key?
Legolas. Well, I'm the keykeeper, I've been waiting for you to come, all that. Don't take it into the tentacles.
Later, in the same place.
Legolas' Dead Dad. Son, what kind of gambling propaganda is this?
Legolas. Calm down, dad. But now I saw the key.
Legolas' Dead Dad. Oh, I see! You are a blacksmith, you will make it.
Legolas. I was a blacksmith in the last part, now I'm a Burglar.
Legolas' Dead Dad. Bilbo!

***
On Jack Sparrow's ship, Elizabeth and Jack make eyes at each other.
Elizabeth. And then I got an indulgence.
Jack, deftly stealing the indulgence right from her hands. It was yours, it became ours.
Elizabeth. What a bastard!
Jack. Bite, viper, now that I've pulled out your teeth.
Elizabeth immediately and irrevocably falls in love with Jack.

***
Legolas escapes from the Flying Dutchman with a stale key.
Legolas' Dead Dad. Well, come on, son, let's see each other.
Legolas. Pa, I'll definitely come back for you. I promise.
Legolas' Dead Dad. "Do you promise"? Well, let's say goodbye then.

***
The Left Ship picks up Legolas. The Octopus Captain calls the Patrol.
Patrol. Marine patrol, your documents.
Legolas. Oh, vey. And I don't have registration.
Legolas throws himself into the sea and sails back to the Flying Dutchman, where he deftly pretends to be a figurehead. The Dutchman is inspecting the detainees.
Seafood. Captain, sir. The boy is gone. Probably drowned.
Octopus Captain. My middle name drowned. Full immersion.
Legolas. And me?!
Octopus Captain. And you should learn from Indiana Jones, you saga.

***
The island where Kashcheev's death is hidden. Jack, Elizabeth, the Commodore, and the Comic Pirates land on the island. Legolas arrives.

Jack. Legolas! And we have been waiting for you so much, we have been waiting for you so much.
Legolas. Lying?
Elizabeth and the Commodore, in chorus. Lying!
Legolas. I thought so. Well, shall we fight, or what?

Jack, Legolas and Commodore start a fight and run around the island until they find a hamster wheel, after which they climb inside and start spinning it.
Audience. Something the director has a fixation on hamsters.
Director, offended. You would understand a lot! This scene will still be classic. And maybe they will give me an Oscar. For staged.
While the hamsters are having fun, a landing party of seafood lands on the island.
The comic Pirates and Elizabeth, picking up the chest with Koschei's death, begin to run around the island, periodically bumping into Jack, Commodore and Legolas. At one of these moments, Jack steals Koshchei's death. In another, Koshcheyev's death is stolen by the Commodore. Finally, all except the Commodore get into the boat.
Elizabeth. Commodore, what about you?
Commodore. I'll detain them, nothing. Moreover, I have a secret underground passage here directly to the Oligarch's office.

***
Jack Sparrow's ship. The Flying Dutchman surfaces nearby, and the Octopus Captain once again summons the Patrol. He crawls long and tediously around Jack's ship until Jack, Elizabeth, Legolas, the Boatswain and the Comic Pirates are left of the crew. Elizabeth goes to the deck, where she dirtily molests Jack and then chains him to the mast with the accidental handcuffs.
Producer. And this is the second scene that should appeal to film critics. Pay attention to the acting and a subtle hint of BDSM.
Audience. This is all understandable, but where did the handcuffs come from?

Legolas. Lisa, dear, could you finish licking with Jack as soon as possible, the boat is waiting?
Elizabeth. I'm coming, I'm going
Boatswain. And the captain?
Elizabeth. And the captain said that he was staying. For intrigue.

***
Jack Sparrow poses as Houdini and frees himself from his chains, but the Patrol is already getting on the ship.
Patrol. Stand! Documents!
Jack. Skipa-tsipa-skipa. Remember, viewer, this day could have been the day you almost got rid of Jack...
Patrol. Come!

***
The office of the oligarch. The Commodore enters.

Oligarch. And what made you think you could come here like this?
Commodore. I have an indulgence.
Oligarch. And who signed it? King?
Commodore. You.
An oligarch reads an indulgence. "What the bearer of this has done..." Rochefort, give me an open patent for a lieutenant of the royal musketeers.

***
Legolas, Elizabeth, the Boatswain, and the Comic Pirates at the Oracle.
Oracle. Are you ready to do anything to get into the third part of the film?
Legolas. Yes.
Elizabeth. Yes.
Boatswain. Absolutely.
Comic Pirates. Aha.
Oracle. Then meet: a reference to the first part - Captain Barbossa!

Captain Barbossa enters.

Barbossa. What, didn't you expect it? Welcome aboard, crew. We start filming immediately. True, we don't have a script yet, but that's okay, you need to forge the viewer while he is warm. If I were not Captain Barbossa! Aghrrrrr!



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