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Why do men hide their feelings?
For men, love is something external, for women it is their very existence.
Lord Byron.
Men and women seem to be residents of different planets, completely do not understand each other’s thoughts and feelings, because most men emotionally distance themselves from relationships, while most women are passionate about them.
The psychology of the relationship between men and women is such that 80% of women are “persecutors” and 80% of men are “distancers”. Women want to be closer because they felt abandoned in their childhood or previous relationships. Men hide their feelings and try to keep a safe distance because they are afraid of being drawn into a relationship. A man flees from a painful addiction and commitment for fear of guilt, and not only for the rest of his life.
Names. persecutor and distancer It was proposed by psychologist Thomas F. Fogerty and in this article we will refer to women and men.
Many male distancers act as stalkers in the beginning of a relationship, trying to seduce a woman. Persecutors who want only a happy marriage can turn into distancers if they start to be frightened by the intensity of the relationship or are not satisfied with the predetermined outcome. Refusal further exacerbates the tendency to persecute. But since a woman takes this step under the influence of fear of destroying the relationship, rather than consciously, it will only push the man further away.
Why is it so complicated? The relationship scenario you wrote as a child is based on the wounds you suffered as a child. Most boys are afraid of losing their independence and masculinity. But mothers often find it difficult to let their sons grow up on their own, and as a result, boys feel guilty about moving away from their mothers.
A man with such a complex, developed in childhood, will run away from the relationship if the woman is too demanding, begins to develop in him a sense of guilt that he does not meet her needs, or if he fears that he does not meet her requirements.
In the case of girls, the father rejects the daughter or, conversely, is too close to her, the daughter perceives the mother as a rival, feels guilt for this and loneliness. Thus, the distancer flees from a painful addiction and commitment, and the pursuer dreams that the distancer will rewrite her scenario with her father. The highest values for the distancer are independence and freedom, and for the pursuer - partnership and close relationships.
As a child, 20% of girls who are distanced are closer to their father or mother than to their stalking parent.
Male stalkers are usually drawn to female distancers, but the more persistently they pursue them, the faster these women escape. Deep inside, many male stalkers are actually distancers. Persistent stalking is their subconscious way of avoiding intimacy. The male stalker often turns into a distancer in the blink of an eye when he meets a woman who cannot say no.
A moderate male stalker always has a lot of girlfriends, he is beautifully courted and generous with gifts, but he does not enter into a serious relationship with anyone because he is afraid of being rejected and abandoned. He already has a sad experience with a distant mother, and he doesn’t believe anyone can truly love him.
Most men are by nature distancers. The tendency to maintain a safe distance has persisted in them since prehistoric times. This is a reliable way to survive and follow the “fight or run” tactics. Responsibilities to the family complicate this task.
During the courtship and conquest of a woman, the release of endorphins makes a man forget about fleeing. He doesn’t feel the danger, he doesn’t know it. When the relationship goes into a more serious stage, stress causes the man to feel physiological discomfort, and he runs away.
Unconsciously, women regard intersex intimacy as a danger, not only out of fear of becoming pregnant or having an unkind reputation, but also knowing from their own sad experience or the experience of friends, mothers, that the accomplished intimacy or frequent intimacy reduces the interest of the opposite sex to her, and, thereby, encourage the perseverance of a man to pursue her, while causing him a feeling of hidden resentment for her refusal. At the same time, a man is attracted by the emotional qualities of a woman: liveliness, talkativeness, warmth. But sometimes they drive him crazy.
The distancer needs solitude, constant communication weighs on him. Even a married distancer will be away, hiding behind the TV, computer, Internet, fishing, spend evenings at work. He’s always “too tired” to talk.
What do men want, what is going on in their minds?
The thoughts and words of men at the stage of a serious relationship, when the endorphins subsided:
What women want, their thoughts and phrases:
How do men treat women? Here are his main claims:
What women think and what they say about men:
As you understand, such thoughts and feelings, attitudes towards each other do not contribute to the rapprochement or strengthening of relations. As a result, a man who is not strong in verbal disputes runs from reproaches, persecution, guilt. Moreover, for the psychological discomfort inflicted on him, the distancer punishes the female persecutor by lowering her value both in her eyes and her. After some time, the man is even ready to offer peace, remain friends in other words (because he is the initiator of the breakup, and who leaves first, always experiences the breakup easier and calmer), but at the same time remembering the previous problems, will evade the reunion as a man and a woman.
A woman, feeling abandoned, experiences extreme stress and constant anxiety, seeks to find out the situation at any cost, tries to restore relationships with all her strength.
Also interesting: How to Recognize Hidden Manipulations in Relationships
The art of love in a couple – the ability to restore a relationship
As a result, the man moves further, is capable of passive aggression, is afraid of intimacy and is burdened by obligations. A woman, in turn, passionately craves close relationships, goes into active persecution, often rashly obsessive and demanding. This further aggravates the situation. published
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Picture: psycabi.net/psikhologiya-znakomstv-i-otnoshenij/185-psikhologiya-otnoshenij-muzhchiny-i-zhenshchiny-pochemu-vse-tak-slozhno
Lord Byron.
Men and women seem to be residents of different planets, completely do not understand each other’s thoughts and feelings, because most men emotionally distance themselves from relationships, while most women are passionate about them.
The psychology of the relationship between men and women is such that 80% of women are “persecutors” and 80% of men are “distancers”. Women want to be closer because they felt abandoned in their childhood or previous relationships. Men hide their feelings and try to keep a safe distance because they are afraid of being drawn into a relationship. A man flees from a painful addiction and commitment for fear of guilt, and not only for the rest of his life.
Names. persecutor and distancer It was proposed by psychologist Thomas F. Fogerty and in this article we will refer to women and men.
Many male distancers act as stalkers in the beginning of a relationship, trying to seduce a woman. Persecutors who want only a happy marriage can turn into distancers if they start to be frightened by the intensity of the relationship or are not satisfied with the predetermined outcome. Refusal further exacerbates the tendency to persecute. But since a woman takes this step under the influence of fear of destroying the relationship, rather than consciously, it will only push the man further away.
Why is it so complicated? The relationship scenario you wrote as a child is based on the wounds you suffered as a child. Most boys are afraid of losing their independence and masculinity. But mothers often find it difficult to let their sons grow up on their own, and as a result, boys feel guilty about moving away from their mothers.
A man with such a complex, developed in childhood, will run away from the relationship if the woman is too demanding, begins to develop in him a sense of guilt that he does not meet her needs, or if he fears that he does not meet her requirements.
In the case of girls, the father rejects the daughter or, conversely, is too close to her, the daughter perceives the mother as a rival, feels guilt for this and loneliness. Thus, the distancer flees from a painful addiction and commitment, and the pursuer dreams that the distancer will rewrite her scenario with her father. The highest values for the distancer are independence and freedom, and for the pursuer - partnership and close relationships.
As a child, 20% of girls who are distanced are closer to their father or mother than to their stalking parent.
Male stalkers are usually drawn to female distancers, but the more persistently they pursue them, the faster these women escape. Deep inside, many male stalkers are actually distancers. Persistent stalking is their subconscious way of avoiding intimacy. The male stalker often turns into a distancer in the blink of an eye when he meets a woman who cannot say no.
A moderate male stalker always has a lot of girlfriends, he is beautifully courted and generous with gifts, but he does not enter into a serious relationship with anyone because he is afraid of being rejected and abandoned. He already has a sad experience with a distant mother, and he doesn’t believe anyone can truly love him.
Most men are by nature distancers. The tendency to maintain a safe distance has persisted in them since prehistoric times. This is a reliable way to survive and follow the “fight or run” tactics. Responsibilities to the family complicate this task.
During the courtship and conquest of a woman, the release of endorphins makes a man forget about fleeing. He doesn’t feel the danger, he doesn’t know it. When the relationship goes into a more serious stage, stress causes the man to feel physiological discomfort, and he runs away.
Unconsciously, women regard intersex intimacy as a danger, not only out of fear of becoming pregnant or having an unkind reputation, but also knowing from their own sad experience or the experience of friends, mothers, that the accomplished intimacy or frequent intimacy reduces the interest of the opposite sex to her, and, thereby, encourage the perseverance of a man to pursue her, while causing him a feeling of hidden resentment for her refusal. At the same time, a man is attracted by the emotional qualities of a woman: liveliness, talkativeness, warmth. But sometimes they drive him crazy.
The distancer needs solitude, constant communication weighs on him. Even a married distancer will be away, hiding behind the TV, computer, Internet, fishing, spend evenings at work. He’s always “too tired” to talk.
What do men want, what is going on in their minds?
The thoughts and words of men at the stage of a serious relationship, when the endorphins subsided:
- Come here, go away!
- I can't be vulnerable.
- I cannot be both “I” and “we” at the same time.
- I can't be close to you because you're oppressing me and making my life difficult.
- I'm afraid to become dependent on you and I'm afraid I want to.
What women want, their thoughts and phrases:
- I can let someone love me if I can give up my self.
- You do not love me because you do not value me and do not want to satisfy my needs.
- I can't depend on you.
How do men treat women? Here are his main claims:
- She says no, but she actually means yes.
- She's too emotional and demanding.
- She leaves me no space.
- She never talks about being angry.
- She thinks I'll figure it out.
- She always wants to talk about our relationship.
- She gives me too much and makes me feel guilty.
What women think and what they say about men:
- He's cold and insensitive.
- He's not trying to make a connection.
- He doesn't care how I feel when he leaves or comes back.
- He says yes, but he really means no.
- He's afraid of talking like the plague, especially when it comes to relationships.
- My questions about feelings and anxiety tire him and annoy him.
- He always says the wrong thing.
- He lives his mind, ignoring his feelings.
- He's selfish.
As you understand, such thoughts and feelings, attitudes towards each other do not contribute to the rapprochement or strengthening of relations. As a result, a man who is not strong in verbal disputes runs from reproaches, persecution, guilt. Moreover, for the psychological discomfort inflicted on him, the distancer punishes the female persecutor by lowering her value both in her eyes and her. After some time, the man is even ready to offer peace, remain friends in other words (because he is the initiator of the breakup, and who leaves first, always experiences the breakup easier and calmer), but at the same time remembering the previous problems, will evade the reunion as a man and a woman.
A woman, feeling abandoned, experiences extreme stress and constant anxiety, seeks to find out the situation at any cost, tries to restore relationships with all her strength.
Also interesting: How to Recognize Hidden Manipulations in Relationships
The art of love in a couple – the ability to restore a relationship
As a result, the man moves further, is capable of passive aggression, is afraid of intimacy and is burdened by obligations. A woman, in turn, passionately craves close relationships, goes into active persecution, often rashly obsessive and demanding. This further aggravates the situation. published
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Picture: psycabi.net/psikhologiya-znakomstv-i-otnoshenij/185-psikhologiya-otnoshenij-muzhchiny-i-zhenshchiny-pochemu-vse-tak-slozhno
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