Why are men of "pluck"?
I must say that all the people pluck. Not only husbands but also wives, children, and parents.
When you every day to give roses is nice? At first, Yes. And you even say "thank you". Then you say "thank you" on the machine. After a month you are confident that it is correct. Let them give their roses. And thank no longer.
So arranged our Ego – it can convince us that we all deserve. And so all the rest of us have something.
Also happening in the family.
When the wife every day, cooks dinner, cleans the house and does not require anything, just ask, man is prone to arrogance. In this case, the audacity to say that he thinks worthy of it all. The wife does it all because he's a great husband. And so she should.
Or when my husband performs every whim of his wife, one day she decides that this is happening because she is Miss universe. So, he is obliged to indulge her every whim.
It is easy to imagine what will happen next. After all, when you give a gift to a man, and he exhibits indifference is taken for granted or curves of your face – next time give do not want.
When the husband demands dinner from his wife, who lies with a temperature.... When my wife needs a fur coat from her husband in financial crisis.... When one of the spouses neglects his duties, but requires the performance of duties on the other side is the first step to divorce.What to do with it?
The easiest way is to yell, rebel, start to cut or to separate. Simple you can call them for their familiarity. After all, we often don't think when there is some situation I respond immediately. Almost like Pavlov's dogs: stimulus-response, stimulus-response.
Just such behaviour "in the rut" and the results will the same as usual. Then we should not expect that the relationship will change, become better, deeper and so on. After all, what is our response, and a stimulus for the partner.
But also do not need to pretend that nothing is happening. For example, it often happens that a woman passes this threshold. And then her service to the husband really goes into a humiliation. It is no dignity, and Love. There is only a great martyrdom, and a complete lack of self-esteem. People often call this option: "allow to wipe about itself legs."
And that and the other undesirable extreme. And truth and balance somewhere in the middle.
Dr. Torsunov explains is need to educate. To educate does not mean to beat or to lecture. Also this does not mean that we stand in the position of the most smart and the saints. Education in family life is suspended. And the position from which we proceed, is Love.
With huge Love inside sometimes we need to play a role of external austerity. There is even a way: "looks solid and unyielding, like a stone, with a heart as soft as melted butter."
Only this suspension will bear fruit. If we disconnect from a hard heart, out of revenge, out of hatred – it only will damage relations. If we're all feeling the same hatred and the anger, hurt and disappointment, we will only aggravate the problem.
What to do? To Learn To Love. And to learn how to step back.How not to withdraw:
When you can step back:
- With scandals and accusations
- Out for revenge (well, sit here while I go in the club!)
- Neglecting responsibilities (prepare yourself, bastard!)
- If you have inside – the anger, resentment and irritation (first need them to live)
- If you have not served him selflessly and sincerely (in this case, he'll just be relieved that you finally leave him alone)
Phases or variants removal1. You continue to serve him, but outwardly behave more strictly.
- If you are a long time sincerely and unselfishly served as a friend, and he hurt you.
- For example, you as a wife fully performed their duty selflessly and sincerely, not sawed on this occasion her husband (neither words nor thoughts). But he was used to the good and ceased to care about you at all.
- If your husband did something that caused you severe pain.
- For example, has changed or caused physical pain. Such extreme situations demand a proper response. To not become a habit.
- If you are able with all this feeling in your heart Love for him.
- That is all the wrongs of the past, the anger and irritation is over. In the heart there is absolutely a desire to love him and to be together. But just need to explain to him that you would like something else.
In my case, this phase looks like "business as usual, but do not want to communicate". But not because you're "a bastard and a bastard", but because I was hurt and offended. And I want to take a break. Sometimes in this case I'm talking more dry, more strictly.
All also dinner is ready. And the dinner cooked with love. Everything is clean clothes in the closet. That is, the Love continues to be. But it manifests itself only what is necessary.
The only thing there is in this moment, close communication from the heart. No afternoon tea with discussions of plans and problems.
But not because I'm giving you the silent treatment. But because "sorry, not now. I'm not ready yet".2. You at some time cease to perform some of their duties.
But refer not to his arrogance or insensitivity, and his fatigue. So I sometimes ask my husband to cook, get the kids to bed, iron a shirt. And again in you Love.3. Sometimes you need to live separately. To not assess the situation inside and outside.
It is important to explain that you are leaving him. And want to put in order thoughts and feelings. And you'll be back in a while.
You don't have to get home. Maybe just to go to the country with friends to the cottage for the weekend. In India we say: "don't be afraid of partings, afraid of divorce".
But don't just that to run somewhere far away. This may damage the relationship. As with any medication the dosage is important. If you exceed the medicine becomes the poison. If any disagreement you pack the bags one day, he may just refuse to take you back.How it works
Imagine that every day you eat some candy. A lot of candy. From morning to evening. Most likely, after some time, you will begin to feel sick. Ache teeth. You want to drink.
The suspension in this case is a SIP of cool water. Due to its neutrality, it becomes life-giving. And then there is the opportunity to understand that candy is delicious.
The point is that you are not accusing him of anything, you don't go, don't make decisions. You give him the opportunity to Wake up. To see what happens. And also give him the opportunity to change.
While there is no violence, no nodine and pilezha. Although for us women, this method requires more patience (to yell or washed down much easier).
The point of suspension is a point of transformation for both. You learn the rigor under which Love lives. Your partner gets a chance to change. To see that something is wrong, to feel your importance to him.
We should not abuse it. If you feed it only water, sooner or later he gets tired of it. And it will start to look for a place where to give candy.
Parkinson's law: why most people remain poorEnergy old age
Love involves rigor
Remember that Love does not mean permissiveness, self-sacrifice and martyrdom. Love is constant work. Work that fills us with joy.
And the hardest part of this is to find the balance between Rigor and Service. Most importantly, we should understand that exposing the boundaries of the other person, helping him to understand his mistakes – we do good for him. We thus help him to grow and develop. And for that he will thank us. Even if you don't say it out loud.
I wish you all to find this balance of Rigor and learning to Love! published
Author: Olga Valyaeva