Making "as necessary" and lose the attitude

After all sorts of seminars, lectures, books, and therapies available to people receiving a large number of tools "change the reality", but often tends to use them so fiercely that destroys important connections with loved ones.

The idea of ​​"thine," which will never go away, it should be close - will, and if leave, then be sure to come back, attractive for its simplicity and harmony, but in reality usually manifested not as smooth

. Possible changes in the relationship is not unlimited, even when I want to believe otherwise. Each of us from time to time should remember the principle of "do not need to fix something that works so well," and if there is a desire to change themselves and to rebuild relations system, it is necessary to understand that this will require knowledge, strength, patience and time.

In addition, results may vary significantly from expectations, and changes in our lives does not mean a hot response from the inner circle, in fact, attempts to "cause good" may well lead to irreversible consequences for the relationship.

It is important to understand that any changes need to mature and maturing stages of people in one family may not be the same. Someone does not have enough strength, other knowledge, while the third and desires can not be - everyone has the right to choose the life scenario. In an attempt to load yourself or another burden can not afford, you can break down and break.

You know the history, in which the parents are struggling to grow a perfect man, giving him "all the best", and demanding great achievements, but in the end it happens that a child drop out of school, work, warm parental home, he went to the edge of the world, spends time in questionable companies and works with your life that is not clear?

And cases when the husband of trying to become a millionaire throws normal operation, under the pressure of relatives is "to meet the Dream" (his right?), Picking up credits, business is not obtained and the debts for several centuries ahead leads to the realization that the love of a family is not so strong and conquering, you know?

Adult children who want to make of his father and mother a perfect example of the parental family, you met? I would like also to make it "all, as humans," and if I do not like the cinematic and other well-known personalities, or at least like those whose images once settled in our heads.

Perfect child is supposed to be gifted, her husband - a strong and successful, his wife - a beautiful and inspiring, parents - and good understanding

. And if the image "as it should be" real people from our surroundings do not fit, then come to the aid of psychological, religious, humanistic, philosophical and other "inquisition" that occurs often in the minds of a lot of knowledgeable, but very few sympathizers.
< br> The principle of "me to meet, or go out of my life / I'm out of your life / die" as something not very much about healing, I think. The usually end these and many other stories in which people decide to do "as expected", but have not calculated how his strength, and willingness and ability to changes in the local environment?

The very desire for a better life is not forbidden, of course, but the way we behave in most of these changes may have the opposite effect. Take, for example, the theme of personal boundaries.

It is important to have them, to rebuild, not to give to mount in your area who in vain? It is important, of course. And it is important to give the freedom to choose whether another person at the same time, to respect its borders? Too important.

But what would happen if every step and every person we will talk about them? Here, you break it, here it is, so to do, so do not do, it is not necessary to me in that tone of voice to speak, we are talking about these issues, on the other, even to think forbidden. It seems to be going according to the instructions, is not it? But in fact we communicate with these very difficult, and sometimes do not even want.

And he feels the husband / wife, mom / dad, grandmother / grandfather, when ever the former Access loved one suddenly starts to "educate" their removal, a book about the "right" parents, children, families, and thus becomes very angry when these family members not too actively immersed in the development of reading and analysis of the injury?

It is clear that in the modern families often can be found immature, codependent, occasionally manipulative, not knowing how to properly recognize and deal with people's feelings (and what you can expect when moms-dads and grandparents behind a difficult war and postwar childhood , poverty and many other factors to healthy boundaries not possessing), well, other loved ones we have.

In theory, anyone can change at any age, in practice, the level of pain, fear and injury unsorted some "adult" rolls over so that even to think about the last revision scary. And build the illusion that the exhausted man's life, not really knowing the love and support, now busily begin to read books on psychology, go to therapy, will be cheerful and joyful, eager to build relationships, "right", a bit naive.

By changing the psychological atmosphere in your personal world, it is easier to engage in the construction phase and preparation for it, but when "everything was built," and a large part of his life behind the change and make other changes are not so simple.

During the passage of various psychotherapeutic programs and transformational workshops, some people are quite easy to tear a relationship with "undesirable" people, even if their relatives. Just think, ceased to communicate with sisters-brothers, you have yourself to blame yet to be adequate. And no need to maintain a relationship with their parents, if you do not understand what the boundaries of freedom, respect and so on. In children and grandchildren, let's stop paying attention, because the third age - a great time for creativity, travel and new discoveries, take everything from life, and then suddenly do not have time ...

If you scatter all imperfect, then who will be next? The scope of activities, friendship forever the environment, collective work can "change", but an attempt to do the same with close relatives is fraught with serious heart difficulties in the future.

You can claim from the child's high ratings, to dream of the vast earnings of the husband or the divine wife, represent the ideal family living several generations in your own family estate, to paint an image of excellent parents, but if you do not see all these pictures of real people with their wishes, capabilities and limitations it is possible to destroy both themselves and their surroundings.

Many people think that if you throw their imperfect wives / husbands, parents, children, friends, the problems specific will not, because you can interact with other conscious and exalted the people whom fully that such communication will replace all imperfect related but friendships: and men to replace the old muddle-headed will be enough, and good wives dime a dozen, "is not something that my ex", and older around just dreaming to become our spiritual guides, the other parent, and children can choose better.
< br> Substitutions at all will not save enough, and it is not so simple. I met a lot of stories when healing last changed person, and yes, he was ready to take his life everyone kogda-to decided to exclude, but it was too late or (forgive parents, ready to communicate closer, but they died), or just We could not take his other ones, which he once ruled (his wife with the children after leaving her husband had to go through so many difficulties, that even when he returned, strength to forgive and to renew dialogue is simply no).

To destroy the relationship, leaving loved ones alone with their imperfect behavior and the pain of loss - is simple enough, find ways to develop and change the family system without destroying those around - she has a little problem. Tolerance to all those who on the way.

Author: Dina Richards


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