Fatal communication when real intimacy impossible Bashny.Net

Do not shoot the pianist, he plays as best he can

How to explain myself inexplicable? Why your partner runs away from you? Why did he always does "something closer, then further", causing untold suffering? Whose fault is it, how such a thing is happening and what to do? Try to understand.

Creating a close relationship - one of the most important tasks of life age, tending to the individual maturity. However, it is common knowledge that from year to year the number of divorces is growing. The distance between people increases. The emergence of new terms - "childfree" and "singletons" marks the different facets of contemporary social situation

. Under these conditions, one manages to find the joy of trusting intimacy. Another, alas - no. But who are these people, what is there on the horizon, it is rapidly disappearing from it? Another is gaining wide popularity, the term - "avoidance addict" is intended to explain why the relationship is not glued, and true intimacy is impossible

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So who is "avoidance addict"? Addict - means "dependent." Its dependence - in avoiding close, sincere, trusting, long-term relationship. The problem lies in the duality of the situation: for the avoidance addict figure chosen is important and valuable, but at the same time, he is doing everything in order to live at a distance. Relationships are maintained in surge mode Threaded. Hiding your thoughts, emotions, inner feelings, addict avoid creating parallel surrogate relationships with others. Usually it is emotionally less important people. Typically, addicts avoidance manifested interest in an alternative - a strong drink, drugs, sports, gambling, workaholism, etc. seksogolizmu obsession. That is what is their so-called "Addictive priority."

At the same time, avoidance addict partners - wonder, clearly suffering, experiencing rejection and feeling abandoned. Trying to be even better, they realize giperuhazhivaniya. But .. It only activates fear avoidance addict to be controlled and to be "absorbed", but on a subconscious level - the fear of being abandoned. Accordingly, at some point, avoidance addict, trying to weaken the "pressure", withdraws itself from the relationship. Then, just as the growth of the feeling of approaching abandonment, reverse movement, "pendulum" makes avoidance addict again to seek rapprochement.

Often addicts avoiding included in relations with the so-called love addict. This is a highly dramatic unions without a happy ending. Addicts avoid suffocating in the arms of "clinging" and "stickiness" love addicts, dreaming, in turn, to heal their trauma ignored, unappreciated and unloved man.

Interacting with their elected representatives, addicts avoid initially behave very carefully and thoughtfully, in every way flattering and revealing their interest. Shaping the love and counter-dependence, avoidance addict increases their self-esteem. Then, after some time, not being able to answer the expectations of his partner, avoidance addict begins to feel discomfort and pressure. Not withstanding such a concentration it under one pretext or another distancing. Then the scheme is reproduced again.

In the case of the union of two addicts avoid them can combine any joint hobby interest. But, at the same time, their relationship still lack genuine genuine intimacy. From the outside it may look like a guest marriage or "fatal" Us converging and diverging lovers, as shown in the movie "28 bedrooms / 28 Hotel Rooms» (dir. Matt Ross).

Whatever it was, can support in love with the feelings and needs a partner if you want to avoid addict and, at the same time, regularly escape and reappear without getting involved deeply. The joy of trusting intimacy causes people like anxiety and unbearable tension. Addict nevynosliv to avoid certainty and commitment. Departing from final decisions, it is - the software "dotted line." Can such a person is constantly looking for new fun is to communicate with you? Of course, yes.

The desire to reduce anxiety and inner emotional discomfort is pushing the addict to avoid multiple investigations. Various manifestations of this "intimofobii" may be labeled differently. Unsure of himself comforted by the fact that it is not able to meet the expected high standards requirements. Bachelors hopelessly looking for your ideal, nepovzroslevshie issledovateli- "tasters" can not "work up", received a traumatic experience in the past relations - nobody never be able to "really" believe, and so

Of course, the above-described embodiments can be observed not only in the avoidance addict. The total here - the inability to create true intimacy in a relationship. Nevertheless, it is a kind of sine wave evident in the behavior of avoidance addict. It has its own drama stereotyping and stereotyped play repeatability.



What lies at the basis of this perception? The fact that in psychology is called "attachment violation." In this case, we are talking about anxiety and avoidant attachment style. Initially, the parents of these children perceived as a hindrance. The child grew and developed in a deficit of participation and genuine interest in their needs and experiences. At the same time, any guarantees in getting the attention of the parents were absent. Consequently, the children a feeling of insecurity and formed instability. Becoming an adult, people will sooner or later show their aloofness. Thus, as a result, "emotional rejection generates empathy deficiency."

At a depth of mistrust and emotional impact icing impossible requests, beliefs, demands or blackmail. Such people can not "heal" his love. Working with attachment disorders and the like addiction is run by therapists and psychologists. This is a long and difficult work. It is important to realistically aware of the prospects of such a link. In an attempt to get a response from someone who does not give it in the state, it is possible to spend years of his life in vain and kilometers of nerves.

Along with this, there is an interesting question: in what cases distanced relationship, care or treatment "gap / convergence" are not addiction avoidance

? Firstly, this happens when a person is not healthy. Organic brain damage and central nervous system, strong drinks, drug addiction. Mental illness, psychopathy, borderline, personality, affective disorders, etc. Sexual difficulties. Due skompensirovannosti in other areas of life these problems often go undiagnosed. At the same time the question arises: whether and avoidance addicts be unhealthy people? Yes, because one does not exclude the other.

Other physiological aspects. The relationship to intimacy can also be determined by the strong and weak sexual constitution, type of sexual culture and sexual motivation. They also include various deviations in psychosexual development. All this directly affects the desire and ability to be in a long-term intimate relationship.

Secondly, we should mention the social causes. Deficit or vice versa redundancy capabilities sometimes influence the choice of the type of relationship. Consumerism, focus on the hedonistic values ​​of post-modern world can prevent the creation of long-term relations of sincere. It is worth mentioning and career variations, intense pace of work, high standards, pressure from society, uncertainty and instability in the future. Increased demands to acquire one or another social status and standards of conduct and prevent many people think objectively.

It is well known that in order to these days to raise a child is not strictly necessary consist in permanent monogamous marriage relationship. Not every man is easy to get along with the demanding woman who earns more and has a higher social ranking. And vice versa. Appeal to the different social models often leads to misunderstandings and conflicts. A huge number of various myths hinder the formation of stable couples. Clash of ethnic, cultural, tribal / family stereotypes can detect negative personal interaction options.

The choice of gender roles sometimes also prevents building a close relationship in terms of conflicting models of traditional, modern and post-modern family. This also should include the transformation of sex-role behavior and the so-called krosspolovye accentuation.

In the context of the spread of sexual freedom is worth mentioning and tolerance for alternative forms of intimacy and alliances. It is about the actual rehabilitation of promiscuity, the spread of the swing, polyamory and other express ways. Nowadays, young people are much more active in their fathers and mothers go out on dates, expressive live sex life and practice all kinds of versions of cohabitation / "civil marriage". At the same time, increasing the independence and loneliness become a conscious choice.

Third, it is - psychological reasons. Here we can speak of neurosis, disorders of emotional and volitional, the severity of personality accentuation, education implications of dysfunctional families, etc. These difficulties are a direct impact on self-esteem, role models and types of interaction with other people. Knowing this, it is possible to understand when the distance in the relationship caused by the exhaustion of resources astenikov introverted, and when - the peculiarities of perception narcissus

. The effects of psychological trauma at different stages of development also affect the formation of patterns of intimacy. Age crises adults actualize a different understanding of life "test" and unequal readiness for responsibility and consequences of their choices.

Behavioral disorders, especially perception, psychological anomalies, the types of the nervous system, heredity with intergenerational relay, infantilism, "avoidant personality disorder" - need to be an expert to understand clearly why the pair have problems

. So, what do you do?

First, determine how much you are comfortable consist of painful relations approach-distancing. If you do not like it, and the possibilities are exhausted, do not let things take their course. Even understanding the reasons for the "fateful" connection, you will in the best case, only to change your own perception. Best of all, if desire, together with a partner undergo therapy. Partner is suffering from its own failure to create a trusting intimacy can improve their condition by working with a psychologist, individually or in a group. Long. Expensive. But it's worth it.

Author: Dmitry Barabanov