The woman, who feel sorry for themselves Bashny.Net

Perhaps such thoughts are familiar to every woman. May not be in full, may be partly. But still. I want to tell you about a woman who feel sorry for themselves. And maybe you know it someone. History - a collective image of your letters, stories and my experiences

. I am a woman, which is a pity for himself. I wish to spend the time, effort, and money. I am only sorry when it comes to me. But I lose the entire account when it comes to my favorite people. I can spend a few hours on their children, husband, friends, but half an hour a day just to yourself - I can not. I have no right. I can spend a whole paycheck on toys or cute very convenient iron. But imagine for a dress - never. Because I feel sorry for yourself. I can do a bunch of hateful I work both in the office and at home. But I feel sorry for even five minutes for his futile hobbies like knitting, sewing, singing or painting.




Everything I put in myself, I think tranzhirstvo. Tranzhirstvo money, time, effort. I have no right to do so, I am not worthy of all these resources. As if they did not belong to me, as if I did not mistress of them, and a thief. The time spent on ourselves - the same as spent in vain, in vain for someone else. The same, just throw away, drop into the pipe to waste. So it's best - do not spend anything on himself. And not to suffer feelings of guilt after.

I think I have always been so. I was afraid to buy an extra chocolate bar, she was afraid to ask for a new dress, threw favorite dances, when it was necessary to study and prepare for exams. Or maybe not always? Maybe I can still remember the little girl who knew how to dream? For that to a certain age the miracles came, and then suddenly stopped? How did it happen? And why I felt sorry for myself all?

I trusted adult. They taught me how to treat herself and resources. I grew up in a time when resources were not enough, both time and money. And so the energy never have enough. Adults taught me not only by their words, but by example.

I saw a mother who sewed her nylon stockings. It did not look very nice, but it could top wear socks or trousers - and these seams are hidden from view. Mum always asked to eat up everything on a plate, food should not be mixed. It is wrong to squander resources. In the closet my mother was not more than a dozen dresses, or even less. Most of them she sewed herself. It was cheaper and easier. At that time, even if there is not enough money that you could buy.

Flowers seen my mother twice a year - birthday and 8 March. The rest of the year it was too expensive and inappropriate. Dad knew about it, and so never colors on other days not received any gift.

Mom never engaged themselves. She has been working from morning till night, and then we - the children, the house. Cook, wash, clean, and then fall into bed. She never when I was not lying in the bathroom or go to the beautician. The latter is, of course, is considered a waste of time.

My mother was very fond of the theater, but went only twice a year with us, in the Theatre for Young People. Although every month with interest looked at the poster of drama, but it was not up to it.

Once Dad wanted to please her, and bought tickets to the theater for the premiere, to the ground. My mother cried for three days. Because she had nothing to go, it's too expensive and it was worth it not deserved. As a result, Pope tickets sold before the show, and my mother - crying home. Since dad surprises do stop.

My mother loved to read books. We had a huge bookcase. But I never saw her reading. She was all the time there was no time and not before. She lovingly once a month to wipe the dust off the books. Sometimes he shared how likes a particular book. But to read the time she was sorry. There were more important things. Soup, patch work.

My mother often told me, when I was about something asked: "perebesh". And I agree. I like submissive girl interrupted. And without a new dress, and without the dolls, and without shoes with butterflies, and without clip with a princess. I looked at my mother and knew - interrupted. My mother is also no such pins, and she was still alive. So hairpin - it's too much

. My mother said to me: "I would like to - perehochetsya". And she was right - perehotelos. A couple of years I did not remember about the hairpin with the princesses, which I was so anxious. And the doll faded in my eyes a year or two. As studio ballroom dancing, which so torn my heart. Dreams really burned. Willingness to pay - faster dance desire - slower. But it burned. It came the day when I did not have neither the one nor the other, nor the third. And then, I can not spend on their implementation of their resources. What if one day I want to stop this? You can do cheaper.

My mother told me, "I also want a lot of things," but I knew that was not true. Mom had long since wanted nothing. She did not remember what it's like to want something. She did what was necessary, what should, what do all. And nothing of what she wanted. Because she did not know what he wants. And I gradually lost strength as desires. What is the meaning of desire, if all desires not to place unreasonable, stupid.

My mother said to me: "you wait." And I waited. There were things to do, important purchases. For example, a sports suit for physical education are always more important than the dress. Suit practical, it and the dog can go for a walk, and sit at home in the cold. A dress - where he will dress? So wait for the dress. If you wait - it may be, but also unlikely. I waited, and the day when my mother let me weave macrame as much as I want, and will not make me cram chemistry.

Mama said: "This is too much." Superfluous was almost all of that, what I wanted to be. The rest could not ask. School uniforms, the same suit for physical education, school shoes, backpack. Without this, it was really nothing, and it had to be. And the rest - but who needs it? Superfluous were my circle on the drawing, which I loved so much, and dances, and chorus, and time with friends. Not only was more than a certificate, of which I was sick.

My mother often told me: "It's expensive." Almost everything that I liked. "It is unwise to" - another mother's instruction. It made me examine my desire on all sides, to analyze them, check for soundness. Is it reasonable to beautiful shoes like a princess, if the walk I will still in sneakers? I do not care what they are not to be put on - with a suit for physical education, they will look strange

. I grew up knowing that desire - this is the biggest problem in my life. They steal from me so many things! Money, time, effort! Who do they just came up with those dreams and desires. Why go three times a week to dances, if it makes more sense at this time to cook dinner for the whole family and to finish its work in the office? Why do we take care of your beauty, if I still grow old and die? And for the health of his, too, for the same reason it is not necessary to take care. Why buy a dress, if after some time they get tired of me, will be small or large, I stop to look at them beautiful? Why read a book, to evolve, to change, if the age we still forget all?

I should benefit. All around. Around the clock. I do not have anyone to strain their wishes and requests. I should be good. It should not upset anyone. It should do what you need, not what you want. And should forget about any nonsense.

And I grew up. One day, my young husband brought me a bunch of money in the past. My favorite roses. I was pregnant. We had to pay for an apartment. And he bought flowers. And I cried the whole night. I do not even put them in a vase, because it was too much. I do not deserve it, I did not have this right. Since then, he gives me flowers twice a year. Birthday and the eighth of March. And sometimes forgets.

When I first went to the beautician, I felt not only a spendthrift, but a thief. I stole from her family for an hour of time and a thousand rubles for the procedure incomprehensible to anyone. To a little time to slow down my face. I do not have fun with all of this, I have all the time to wallow in guilt. Therefore, for the second time I decided not to go anywhere.

In the New Year I would like to ring. But it seemed to me a useless and unnecessary. And I asked my husband toaster. Toaster, we used every day, and that the ring? Well, I would put it - and that would have changed

? One day I fell in love with the dress. It was amazing. Red, Long. I have nowhere to put it would be. However, it beckoned me and inspired. I walked past him, especially two or three times a day. I had the money to buy it. But I do not even dare to come in and try on. Why should I waste my time on someone else's modest person? And one day showcase empty. The dress went to someone else. I sighed with relief, and at night for some reason, crying.

When my child was born, I stopped to meet with friends for a reason. Someone of them had no children, someone they've grown. I did not want to waste their time to talk with them. I did not want to tear off a piece of his family for the sake of his pleasure. I felt sorry for myself a few hours a week. I had to be a perfect mother, but in any manual was not written that mothers need to meet with her friends without children.

How could I sleep during the day with your child? Well, what I do not get enough sleep, at home, you have to clean up, cook, pet, sit in the computer. Del is much important. It sleeps during the day - it is certainly not for me. I'm on the right do not have it.

I always buy all the cheapest. Children could buy and good, but imagine - minimum. Cheapest tights, shoes, jackets. Cheapest cosmetics, preferably even with the maximum discount that is not so pathetic. I do not buy your favorite foods if they were expensive. But children always found opportunities to buy something that they loved. In any way. And normally it feel. But afford grenades winter - could not. Toad strangling.

With the children, I was chosen again tracksuits. More precisely, they never liked me. But as a child it was convenient. And now, too. I stopped to look in the mirror, my husband looked at me, too, is very rare. One suit me enough for a year, I was very comfortable wife.

One day her husband was given the award, and he brought it to me. And he said, I can spend it how I want. At first, I thought for a moment that buy a dress and handbag, then remembered that the child grew up leg, and therefore need shoes. And we need new plates instead of broken, steam towels, shoe polish. While I was such a gloomy mood went to the store for all these good fit, I pulled out a purse. And I was left without dresses, and no towels. As if this money were to be spent otherwise. And then I first thought.

Maybe I have a right to what God gives me? Personally, I? If he gives it to me, so he let me spend it the way I want? You do not have to do it wisely or helpful? What if I'm on the entire salary to buy myself those same shoes? Or go with my daughter to the store and buy this unfortunate Barbie - but yourself? What if I enroll, finally, dancing - let it be a circle for those over .. but it will be dancing? And what if I allow myself this half-hour soak in the bath with foam or salt? whether the world will collapse? Impoverished if my home? And if I myself lying there, knowing that this is - "a waste of time?" And if I meet with the girls just like that, not in honor of the birthday of one of us? What if we arrange a bachelorette party with the "empty" women talk about anything not to honor someone's wedding, and just like that?

What if I do have the right to manage their resources - time, money, forces? What if I am worthy of it? What if the teddy bear - it is not my whim, not wanted and not interesting, and my need? The need for that girl inside me? Girls, which instead bears then bought a new "sweat pants". Girls who Santa Claus brings extremely useful gifts - a backpack for school or work desk. The girl who does not know what he wants, and if he knows, it is very afraid that her desire again at the wrong time, out of place, it is unreasonable.

What if I can, I have the right and should do - spend the money? How terrible it is and new sounds. What if I am obliged every day to do what I like, at least half an hour? It's just terribly selfish to do so! What if my husband does not want and does not do anything for me just because I do not have the most personal? What if it's wrong - feeling sorry for herself resources - time, energy, money? What if it's not tranzhirstvo and investment? It is said that if happy mother, happy is all. A happy if I - in their "reasonable" life in which I do not for myself any minute?