Relationship - it's always a kind of game in which everyone has a role. Well, if this role is chosen consciously. But, unfortunately, most often it happens anyway. And, if you are bad at heart, it is likely that you are in the so-called "triangle of fate." It was opened by Stephen Karpman.
Here it is, this triangle, "the Deliverer - Haunted - Victim" - a role that has consistently played a man
What are they? Deliverer - a person who provides the service (give advice), when one does not ask. According to the law of fate, he will be the victim, and before it is possible to pobudet pursuers.
Thoughtful woman set the table for dinner and called the household. And it, for example, this one did not ask - husband inspect the football game and my son in the middle of a computer game. They in fact themselves can put the food in the dish itself when released. But the woman has imposed them his care and became the Redeemer. Triangle has earned fate. Dinner is getting cold, and no one at the table is not.
Redeemer (woman) becomes a Chaser, "I who said, go there! How much can you call ?! ". When, swearing by the fact that their distracted, family deign to come, will be the victim and stalker will hear a "lot of good": "You're always at the wrong time! Everything is cold! ". Or the example of the work: you, good soul, to offer assistance to their less agile counterparts. Once helped, two, three ... And then where you sit? That's right - in the neck. The time will come and you indignant of such operation, try to deny fans of "roll the fool" in aid. Their reaction guessed themselves. Sometimes fate triangle stretched for many years.
For example, a child brought up in the style of the Redeemer, it grows "mama's boy", "CIT", he - the best piece, expensive phone, a laptop, a gold chain, a trip to the resorts ... And he was 14 years old does not know how to hammer a nail, wash and iron their clothes, cook food. Parents turn into persecutors: "How long can you sit at the computer ?! When You take up the mind ?! You also come to college! ". Now tell me, dear readers, as the fate of "mama's boy"? Will it be a good employee and create a strong family there? I think that is unlikely. And who he will blame his failed life? That's right - parents are starting to play the role of the Redeemer, will turn in his old age as a sacrifice.
Here is an example from the life of one of our patients. Perhaps, in this example, many recognize themselves. Here is her story: "I had a one friend, let's call her R. seemed to me then, with a difficult life. She's having problems with housing, and I volunteered to help her. Settling her at (thereby becoming the Redeemer). Then I thought, well, since R. lives in me, and in my life everything was much rosier than her, I'll teach Robert how to live. And she began to "spill" tips, learn how to behave (Deliverer has unconscious arrogance: "Only I know how to live," and yet it is a bad opinion of others: "They - weaklings and fools and will not cope without me). R., living in me, acted carelessly, inconsiderately. I reproached her for it (became persecutors). As a result, the story ended in tears when I gathered guests, and Robert too was present there, she waited a moment, "poured out" on my stream of insults. " It turns out, girlfriend switched roles: our patient into a victim, and R - from victims in the Chaser. Their communication consensual disappeared.
And now about how not to get into the fate of a triangle.
To avoid becoming the Deliverer, to provide services is possible only if:
1. You will be asked about this;
2. You first made their case.
- Can not give categorical advice ( "do as I say!");
- You can not do for man what he must do it yourself.
And then what can? Are there ways to safely help (advice or deed) to close people? There is. They are based - competent distribution of responsibility, where each is responsible only for what really is under his control. So, what can you do?
• it is useful to discuss before any joint activity (or register): who, what and how to respond.
• If, however, give advice, adds: "This is just my point of view, and it's you."
• The right to make a mistake: "Of course, I could be wrong ..." After that, it is possible, in principle, give any (even the most delusional) Board.
• No guarantees: "I will try." "I will do everything I can, but I can not promise anything." "If I have time." And so on. In this case, the person you have in mind, but continues to look for a solution himself.
Be pursuers in the fate of the triangle, to humiliate, to make plans for revenge is also a thankless task, because it is written in a poem: "Evil radiated you, for you will certainly come back." What needs to be addressed, not to play all these dramatic roles? Himself. His spiritual, intellectual and physical development. Find a favorite thing and become a professional in it first-class. Your loved ones will benefit from this.
Authors: Sergey Levit, Alina Miloslavskaya,