It has long since known: codependency is very necessary dependencies. Alcoholic wife needed an alcoholic. Tortured life of a housewife is very necessary spouse - naplevatel and idler. "Savior" is needed to "save". If rescue is certain - what do you do savior? For whom to make sacrifices and endure inhuman torments? If there is not good drinking, littering and mismanagement of money that could undermine the health of dependent - on whose background the codependent will look like an angel in the flesh
Just like that, to live a normal life codependency uninteresting. It is necessary to save, to pull out of the abyss, straining and nights of no sleep. Otherwise it codependent terribly nervous, and is taking steps to restore the status quo. No, of course, vodka in compote adds every codependent cure addiction, but unconsciously provoke are all 100%. Once dependent, for example, declares its firm intention: not to drink, and gave the word, as immediately codependent gently bring home champagne (New Year after all, or the child's graduation, or the day of the Paris Commune - should be there to mention?), Or drag dependent on family birthdays, where libations are required, or even something similar to perpetrate. Go to the course and innocent remarks, and Humorous jokes (Well it's so funny - drunk-drunk, and now cast! Hahaha!) Will remember all the old resentments and tricks dependent ... Life is dependent, and already difficult, will be strongly complicated, and instead of support he gets emotional torture. Of course, as soon as possible dependent "fall through." QED, satisfaction codependent think, yes, he can not, I told you! And habitually get up in the martyr pose, which drags the cross of life.
Exactly such relationships are shown in the film "The Pokrovsky Gates" - a story of Margarita Pavlovna and her ex-husband, Leo zatyukali Paton Khobotova. Active Margarita Pavlovna and then shpynyat his Khobotova complains of difficulties going through with it - but as soon as Khobotov separated, begins to live his life and even finds a girl, Margarita Pavlovna exerts great efforts to separate them again to take on the caring for slob-ex-husband. Of course, no erotic connotation is not here, she did not even jealous. Just codependency, again, is very dependent needed, the entire system collapses without it. Khobotova drawn into this game as a sad sack-dependent, he resists; the whole thing is served with sauce "as well try for you, for your sake Rada", and the cries of the unfortunate: "I did not ask for me to try, leave me alone" do not pay attention. The film is shown funny and comical, but in real life it would be not so much fun, especially if you were on the spot Khobotova. As a result, he escapes from the active Margarita Pavlovna, and to be honest, this is the only way out: the dependence - the problem is not one person, but the whole group, community or family. Dependence implies the presence of all the participants in this "game", and dependent and codependent (or more co-dependent). One someone can not recover either the whole group will change the system of relations, a structure will collapse
One who is not cured, it does not happen. No, of course, the codependent is very concerned that the dependent had been treated: the dependent will carry all the doctors, healers and specialists. But codependency is necessary that the dependent had been treated, and thus do not need to codependent recovered. What to do in case of a cure, this unexpected luck - codependent does not know. How to build a normal life, in which the invisible is not constantly present the subject of addiction - is unclear. And codependency very scary.
Codependency - is, in fact, the same dependent. Only the addict experiences a craving for the object dependencies (and this is not always the vodka, it can be both gambling and overeating, and drugs, and workaholism, and uncontrolled waste of money - shopping, etc.), and selects as codependent the object, without which his life loses all kinds of paint - a living person, a dependent. Codependent feels almost narcotic craving for the dependent person. And will fight like a lion for it to remain in its dependent, codependent life, and at the same time does not change.
Moreover, codependent can easily be switched from one object to another keeping watch over (this is the best Chekhov in "Darling"), and the dependence is relatively easy to switch from one object to another, depending. (In a society Overeaters Anonymous are well aware that about a quarter, and even more of its members come from the community of Alcoholics Anonymous, and when drinking person fails to give up alcohol, he finds the object of satisfaction in sweets and fat content, and becomes dependent on uncontrolled eating) <. br>
What can you advise in this situation?
Dependence - family illness, need to be treated for her entire family. Approach "Doctor, we're led to your dad an alcoholic (or son-gamers), fix it and give us back the other person" does not work and has never worked. Either change everything - the people, and the relationship between them - no changes will not happen. He's not a good life began to seek solace in the slot machines or drugs, and how all life is organized around it.
Codependency - the same disease, and it is much more insidious. Codependency transfer any all his life to caring for others. What could be more noble than taking care of the weak, the poor, who did not fail, disappear, die? Just very codependent (usually) is both thunderstruck when he zadash simple question of what their problems are you running, adjusting the life of another? What exactly you yourself have to deal with in his life, from the time that you tear off to save the "unfortunate" the last effort? Codependency usually imagine such a question is not asked. Answer it difficult and unpleasant, it is true, which is usually hidden from himself. But the man almost always knows the answer. So, if you feel that your life is a person, who takes a bunch of your efforts and nerves, and return - no, just ask yourself: "From some things that I should do for myself, I was distracted helping him? What I would do that to improve their own lives, instead of pulling another on their backs? ". The answer may be surprising. I guarantee one thing: it will be an unpleasant
"Tango is not dancing alone." Codependency is constantly in search of a dependent, and one similarly - in search of codependency. The man, prone to codependency often throws a "trial balloon", starting a relationship with a new partner. It looks like this: all codependent behavior as if asking a question: "Can you be the one I constantly need? Can you whether enough to ruin my life? Can you be there for those who can not cope without me? ". At the same time our codependent rushes to help, even if it is not asking for, takes care of others, and does the work for itself and for "that guy" - the potential dependent. If the answer is "yes", codependent happy: it is necessary, without it will perish. And in general: he was in a familiar childhood relationship with a system in which one person spoil all life, and the rest suffer the consequences and rake
Similarly arrives dependent - he also throws a "trial balloon", only the test proposed by the partner, as follows: "Will you be my own mother? You do see, you see how I feel bad as I suffer? Did not help, do not save, "If so, help arrives - dependent sighs of relief: found a source of resources from which to suck power long enough. If not - oh, well, if not, then the fun. Dependent offended by someone who did not support the rules of the game, calling him a scoundrel, cruel, unfeeling bastard. And, blazing with righteous anger, out of these relationships. Do not attempt to return such a person, if they themselves find yourself in this situation: in his mind, only one system of relationships, and the role in it all painted. Your role - to be attendants at razdolbaistogo beings, about whom everyone says that he is wasting the talents in vain, and if not for the interference of an evil fate, he would have known rich and famous. Either you accept this relationship, or you will have no relationship with that person at all. And I believe this is not the worst option.