Did you know that from your grandfather and psihotravm matter what name you call your parents, depends largely on what is going on with you today? Psihogenealogiya explains the nature of this relationship.
Choosing a name
Anyone who is already familiar with psihogenealogiey and is going to study in detail the story of his family in order to find parallels with their own lives, to get started is to know under what circumstances you got your name. Most often, parents name their child after their own father or mother, by the name of a dead child, or a relative of his idol and former lover / mistress.
It's unbelievable, but many experienced therapists will tell you that at some point therapy patient suddenly begins to reminisce about their deceased relatives (such as brothers, sisters and so on. D.), After whom he was named. And consciously or unconsciously draw an analogy with your life as if living the life of the man (at least partially).
In fact it is not so difficult to explain. Psychologists have known for the phenomenon of the so-called psychological promise that unconsciously give parents their children. About him we'll talk later, but one of those promises unconscious is precisely the choice of name. Parents like to "talk" to your child (without words, of course): "We want you to be such a dead relative, the man whom we admire, whom we love, which we remember." In spite of the good desire of parents, it can even break down their child's life or just to stop him in anything - from career to family life
All the nuances of this process is difficult to explain in one article, so we refer you to the book the famous therapist Anne Ancelin Schutzenberger "Psihogenealogiya. How to heal family wounds and find himself ", as well as Alexander Gordon video program cycle with the psychologist Olga Troitskaya" happily ever after. Everything about the man, the woman and the family. »
Silent transfer of experienced
If you're not a psychologist, but are interested in this path, know that the most severe psychological trauma is what silent. And the family is often silent. So it is accepted, "why raise unpleasant issues". Many people sincerely believe that if something is not to say, and not "think" it will no longer bother. But the point is just that painful subject not only no longer bother - it will become a much more formidable scale than was originally her. Often this silence leads to pathological repetition of similar fate many consecutive generations ( "women of our family always married for alcoholics - this is our cross, so we were not lucky") or to the disease, which can not even cure the doctors, although people on the fifth circle can pass multiple surveys. Experienced doctors, by the way, in such cases, send the patient to a therapist, realizing that it is a psychosomatic diseases, but not all, patients come to him, and it all starts over again.
It's not luck or no, and in the hidden "scenarios", unknowingly embedded in us by our parents, and in them - their parents, etc. The question is not only that "the child learns what he sees," - often much more complicated
"Pictures of past traumas, both personal and family, can be transmitted from generation to generation, for example, in the form of nightmares, as well as accidents, unexpected place in the special importance (for a particular family - NS) date", - says Anne Anselin Schutzenberger.
Children made to deceive, when someone from their loved adult dies, well, or at least not to take to the funeral ( "Why a child to look at it"). If you knew unenlightened well-wishers, what kind of injury it is applied so that the child, it certainly would have abandoned this practice.
The loss, which would be a terrible and unbearable it may be, must necessarily be mourned (literally), it is necessary to talk about it with your child. To tell you simply and quietly, without embellishment, unnecessary comforts, you need to be with your child - not only physically, but also mentally, to be considerate and sensitive to his state of mind. A child needs to take the death of a loved one, and this requires a natural "work of mourning." Only then neither he, nor his children and grandchildren will not have problems with this unmourned loss.
Ann Anselin Schutzenberger "When mourning is not perfect, is interrupted," incomplete action ", which makes a person and his descendants" wander "(just as they say that the dough ferments or wine)
The same can be said about "family secrets" and similar "secret" things. Adopted by, for example, did not report receiving child (if parents took him out of the children of the baby at home), he adopted. Such terrible harm can not be underestimated. If you are preparing to take the baby out of the shelter, be sure to tell him that he does not own, but add that for you it does not matter and that you love him like a brother (though only in the case if this is true. If you honest enough with themselves and feel that it is not so - do not lie: that you will deal more damage). To talk on such topics with the child should be calm and confident.
Or a double message. It is the bane of almost all (with few exceptions), and grown children from adults them. "I remember a classic case of double compulsion mother offers her son for two birthday shirt - says Anne Schutzenberger. - The next day, the son puts on one of them (blue), and the mother of his repellent - he does not like his mother, because he did not put on another (green). When he puts on the green, the mother pushes him again - he does not like his mother, because he did not put the blue. And when the son puts on two shirts one on another, the mother exclaims: My son - crazy »
Such promises we see every day everywhere. When a father makes his son to be obedient and not to cry when his curse - and at the same time teaches to hit back the boys in the yard, "You're a man!" When a mother says to her daughter: "Where are dressed up!", "You have to lose weight / nose smaller / bigger eyes / hair thicker, and so on. ", and then complains that her daughter" is still not married, "she behaves" like a man "and so on
Particularly frequent are parent message: "Do not live (do not be)" (if you're not ...; before you were born ... (a story about something good), after you were born ... (a story about something bad) and we wanted a boy and you are born (and vice versa), and the like), "Do not grow (do not be an adult)" (young children are good !; "I love little children, little children are all good, but then ...; we dad wanted a divorce, but decided to wait until you grow up, my mother will love you if you're close to the mother, and the like), "Do not be a" (we want a healthy baby, but you were born; we wanted a girl, but you were born, we are very experienced the death of their first child and decided to give birth to another), "Do not be happy" (the situation when parents repeat child about how they suffered for the sake of it grow / dress / feed / to give him an education
The child, knowing that suffered so much for him, feels a sense of guilt, but to repay the "debt" can not. Therefore, to be happy, too, he can not; the situation when the child being ill, gets much more love and attention than when he is healthy - he may unknowingly hurt in the future, to be loved), etc. - Parental messages great variety