Life difficult temper. At least should - it is reported by many religions and ideologies. It is believed that a man experiencing some problems, develops, obtains the necessary knowledge and become "better". However, there are people who become fixated on their experiences: they are constantly unhappy, miserable and sad, they have everything in life is bad, and even if it is good - it's just a misunderstanding and would be even worse
How to deal with such people? Why do they act as lead? Do I feel sorry for them and try to understand? Can they "change", show a better future?
I want to share with you the behaviors of individuals, seen as a result of communication and therapy:
1. Manipulation in order to obtain confirmation - "bad»
How often do you meet people who came on a friendly meeting, and it turned into a black strip hopeless? A friend (girlfriend) reluctantly at first, then with increasing amplitude of emotions, said (a) that "there is no escape." And it went from meeting to meeting. At some point, you start to think that something is wrong. All suggestions and solutions to the problem, people are not trying, just say "no." "You do not understand," "Yes, I like trying to", "it does not help" - phrases like cycling, attract, and you catch yourself on a desire to escape far away. Often this idea is "read" on the face and the source said: "Oh, how I love you tortured (a), I'm sorry, I did not want to (a)" - and then wakes up feeling guilt for his "unworthy" thought
Why is this happening?
This friend (girlfriend), often unconsciously, receive the attention and permission to inactivity. Since consciousness is at all in some moment of solitude a man begins to realize that he just does not do anything with your life, and that the solution requires too much effort.
After talking to you and getting confirmation that "still bad", "friend" can safely go home and without remorse to live on in their scenario. Along the way, the narrator "leaked" to you all the accumulated negative, "recharged" with energy and tolerably well can live on.
2. Manipulation with the aim of self-affirmation.
Familiar (th) meets you and asks about life. At some point, you tell about his success, achievement or something positive happened in my life. And then there is the phrase: "you see how you are lucky", "you see how you are helping," "see what your husband (wife, friend, father)", "lucky you, you have a house (job, car, house etc.)". You begin to feel guilty. For what? Why? As a result of these conversations it becomes scared to share their lives and begin to involuntarily recall what you have is bad, not to stand out.
Why is this happening?
Again, often unconsciously, people trying to show you that your victories and achievements - undeserved. In this way, he asserts his "I", reinforces the theory of "global injustice", and disclaims any responsibility for the privacy and the position of it.
3. The manipulator is called "bad».
Such a person is very intellectually gifted, she does not positioned itself openly as a victim, and, moreover, would be offended to be treated with respect thereto. Often, in conversation, people respond to any comment or request with the phrase "I'll bad (th) that you want from me?". In respect of such partner can say "with me it does not work, I'm spoiled (a)", "you see, now you're offended (eh), I told (a)", "I'd better be the one (one), no will love this (th) I "," I'm not normal (th) ", etc. And you immediately try to dissuade the man: "No, no, you just underestimated nedolyubili" and so on, your partner just had a "fool (a fool)," and I can understand you "
Why is this happening?
This person often has positioned himself as a victim of unrequited love, circumstances, bad relations between parents. He openly claims to be sorry, aggressively reacts to a frank sympathy, yet constantly repeats that "bad". Thus he receives confirmation of its uniqueness, features, and, again, does not bear full responsibility for the relationship. After all, he once said that he was bad! What to take with him? You are to blame. Sami contacted. You've been warned. And in a sense he is right, he really has warned.
How to deal with such people?
The latter case is a very good demonstration of the game in the so-called Triangle Karpman - model of interaction between people. According to this theory, communication passes through distributed roles: rescuer - persecutor - the victim. If you are dealing with a "victim", it means that you take on the role of "rescuer" and society, life, the circumstances are
To resolve the situation, it is important to recognize their role and be willing to get out of this game. Triangle Model is dangerous because the rescuer often becomes the persecutor, rescuer the victim, the victim of a stalker, ID So, if the person in front of you a victim - somewhere he pursuer, but somewhere lifeguard, and he has all the resources to solve the problem. Your "spasatelskaya" position makes you a victim of the same person more often, as a result of the manipulations you lose your confidence, power or respect.
If you're ready to stop playing these games, then the answer to your questions:
- Why do I need this person
- What I get from this communication
- I wish I could talk to this person
- As far as possible to implement this communication differently
- Ready (and) I spend my forces to address the other person? - Why do I need to listen to his story
Important in this communication - is honesty with oneself. Only to admit their desires "rescuer" (for example), it is possible to remove the role and freed from the scenario.
Do I have to break off relations with this person? And if it is a close relative or partner? Then it is important to understand that you are responsible for the life of another, if it is not your child is under 18 years old. Each person has a vital task and you do not have the right to decide its stead, even if you think you know better solution.
If you can not give up the dialogue, then ask the other person direct questions:
- How can I help you - specifically
- You're ready to himself (and) do
Remember, our life - this is our choice, and we, and we alone bear responsibility for it.
Author: Olga Golubitskaya