I tell her: "Maybe that's enough?»
And she looks at me with big eyes, pretending he did not understand anything. Huge resentful eyes. Yes, they froze so much pain that even the breath away. I see the pain. And I can see how carefully she pulls it out of his heart, to show, and then just as gently lay back. She wears her year after year, without trying to get rid of it. She was almost forty. But in front of me again offended five year old girl.
"Maybe enough already cherish their grievances? Maybe we should take, and let them go? Or you just do not know what, then fill your heart? »
This happens often. Do not think that just with someone else. This happens to me. When I just gently fingering their grievances and carefully placed them in the same place. Because it will be useful. And be sure to come in handy. Offended be profitable.
Have grievances against another person if unties your hands. You can afford to behave abominably, as much as you allow conscience. You can ignore the person, you can swing right and punch out for themselves "bonuses" in any amount, you can muck about a man say, you can take revenge. You can just as much when you're hurt! And if this very clear resentment, what will remain? And then build relationships? Do we know how?
Bags for children grievances
The largest reservoir of our resentment - is resentment toward their parents. Not since birth, is not brought up, taught wrong. Themselves fed the wrong example, not given what could give, do not let go, do not help, then prevented, then crushed. And even in adulthood do not behave, do not, do not have to climb much and in general.
And returning to the five-year girl in front of me, which has long been forty. Why are her eyes so much pain? She was thrown? Above it mocked? She betrayed? No. She just did not buy the doll. I do not know for what reasons. Perhaps no money. Or were these dolls. Or parents just did not understand that she wants a doll. We do not buy it.
Thirty-five years. And being successful, it would have to buy every month currently on the doll. But she chooses the insult. Again and again. Decisions of her domestic situation there. because she was waiting for that last picture will change - and it will buy the doll then thirty-five years ago. And that is done today - everything will be past
Why did she do that? Because it is profitable. Advantageous to have a pet named "Offense". Conveniently. For many reasons.
In the case of the parents, it can be any of the failures blamed on them. It is they who are to blame, that I have no family, the tyrant of a husband, children do not obey, there is no work. Then I myself - white and fluffy. Then I can do nothing much to do and does not change. And let it remain on their conscience.
I remember one girl who could not get married. She is eager to prove to me that to blame my mother. I still could not understand how her mother interferes with living in another city and talking to her once a week. It turned out, my mother did not give her a proper education.
"Well, - I say - But you can get the necessary knowledge and skills to you right now. What do you do in order to learn it, to get married? Around you there are men fans? »
And it turns out that it does not do anything. It does not give a chance to anyone of those who it is interested. Do not go to the contact with men. Considers their terrible animals. It can not and does not want to communicate with them. And the blame for this mom.
And I wanted to hit her on the head (this desire I have is rare, but this is the case). Mom something to do with it. Mom this is not involved at all. It is only an excuse, a reason to do nothing and not feel guilty.
With resentment toward their parents can receive attention from other people in the form of pity and sympathy. There are people who go to a shrink for years, not having enough serious injuries, just a bunch of little obidok. But each time, savoring the details of the offense, they get sympathy and attention of another person. How, then, is to throw out the wealth.
And, you can manage with the help of resentment parents. Pushing them if they get too close, pull, if need something from them. Manipulate, get some good, not care for their parents in old age. To control them, be rude to them, to ignore, to distance ...
Yes Is it possible to give us a little hurt any children! And for a lifetime of resentment can even dial a bucket, and then the bag. Here infringed, there is hurt, there nedodali ... And then carry with you to show at the event and receive their "bonuses". Or to carry, as the "license", which unties our hands and allows you to create any nightmare shamelessly.
And you can also let go and throw out all this old stuff many years ago. Once otplakat help your inner child as something to solve this problem - and move on. Parents because we liked the way we could. Not perfect. Exactly as we deserve. And then we ourselves can make a difference in their lives. Themselves. Rewrite it, alter, change. Go and buy this stupid doll. Or even ten dolls. Or go to the Institute, which dreamed. Or go wherever really wanted once - in the same Disneyland. But it's much more complicated than simply hold on to their grievances.
It is more difficult to build relationships with parents, letting go of the past and allowing them to be alive and be wrong. It is much easier to try to cram them into their standard of living by means of manipulation. Like, behave well, and then I've got to have incriminating evidence!
Guilty husband - a useful thing in the economy
Machines husband once stumbled. For a long time, and quite seriously. No, he did not change it. He just told her that she was fat. Masha was offended (and who would not be offended). But it was fifteen years ago. Since then, Maria has changed, and her husband has repeatedly made her compliments. But. Resentment something left.
This offense is very beneficial to Masha. Every time she ends the arguments in a quarrel, she gets this wrong and waved in the face of her husband. Like, how do you do then you can say something! Masha And no arguments do not convince. Because she held a weighty argument. Resentment!
Due to this offense, after an argument, it is likely to receive an apology and flowers. Even if was wrong. Husband will be more affectionate, caring - at least for a while. What we wanted to Masha.
And because you can just simply ask. Or the husband of all this inspiration. But it is difficult and risky. And suddenly fails? And what will not, or not enough? And what if I'm in such a vulnerable position of begging, he will laugh at me, humiliate?
Resentment is - a reliable weapon. Mass destruction. With homing system. From it you can not run and can not hide. If your wife is sitting and crying nearby, and the matter is this - you want-not want, but something you begin to do. Of course, there are those who have developed immunity to such manipulation. But most of all a man needs a woman responds properly.
And it turns out that the blame for her husband on the farm is very, very useful. At the right moment just pulled out of the bins or obidki obidischu (on the situation) - and the trick is done. And accumulate grievances - is simple enough. In every marriage there are times that you can catch one, tucked away in the sleeve. It would be a desire.
This is the trump card - or even the Joker, who reveals to you so many possibilities! For example, to do what you want, but my husband does not like. He resents - and you have the Joker. Or push the husband in matters where he wants to do something on his own. On the fishing going? Here's the Joker! And Joker can materialize their dreams, expand areas of their freedom and the freedom to clamp husband. For all this to be white and fluffy, nice and "a perfect wife».
One of my friends here are so "simple" husband infidelity. Well forgive - I took back, pretending that everything is normal. But now it all possible. Because the little things - 'It's not me you cheated! ". And there are no other options for my husband - just shut your mouth and keep quiet. Even conscience does not allow to leave. Conveniently, right?
And another friend as "just" a big loss to her husband. And now the whole property is decorated on it, he did not for that does not have the right, even the car drives by proxy. Was outraged that he just can not. He is guilty. It hurt.
Again, it is possible after the relationship with her husband, "reset", truly forgive (which means not to think), let go of the past. Understand that it is also a living, it is not perfect, he is mistaken. Learning to listen to each other, to go to meet each other, to respect each other's right to ask - including attention. This is much harder than every time to get out of his sleeve Joker. To do this, you need to learn a lot - and not have to change my husband and myself. And unless someone wants to change?
And in all other respects, insults become profitable instrument for regulating relations. The way to obtain the desired, beneficial, necessary. A simple but very working tool. Hitting right on target without a miss.
Therefore be offended profitable. To not change, do not learn to be a living, not to open your heart, do not build relationships. And to have a husband, children, status, friends, parents, look good ... to have, but do not be. Control and manipulate, but not love. And do not even take offense really just playing offense. Heart is closed ...
And we choose. Either the hard way and the development of relations, a way of learning to love and forgive. Or the easy way - the game with the Joker, manipulation and simulation relations, no pangs of growth and development, there is no risk. What do you choose?
Author Olga Valyaeva chapter in the book "Healing of a woman's soul"